So you think the sex was so 'intense...'
So you think the sex was so 'intense...'
I'd like to share this observation in response to a member who is struggling with feelings of sexual craving/addiction to her disordered one. Winter's response resonated with me. It was a lightbulb moment!
Following are also Goldie's observations, which I found so enlightening I just wanted to share.
This is long, but worth the read. It could change your mindset, your view of the so-called sexual 'intensity,' and maybe even notch up your recovery!
Here it is from Winter:
"Great sex does not necessarily always translate into two people in a deeply loving connection. This is clearly illustrated in the mixed messages, words not matching the actions, type of a relationship with a narcissist.
INTENSITY is often misinterpreted for many of us and perceived as a substitute for INTIMACY (love)."
Here is Goldie's outstanding awesome reply:
This intensity stems from the tension created in us by the narcissist. This tension is received in our bodies, minds, and hearts, as anxiety, emptiness, and pain triggered by the mind games (push/pull).
Wanting relief from the tension, the high we feel during this “passionate” sex is not about intimacy or love, it is more the need to have our pain and tension alleviated by their proving to us we are in fact loved, through the sexual act. Thus, sex becomes the drug which also creates our addiction to him. More of a “pain relief” as opposed to an actual true love connection.
This is the crux, of the sexual dynamic in a relationship with a narcissist and once the partner "gets this" they are on their way to a full recovery and freedom from the addiction which the sexual component created in them causing them to crave the narcissist in spite of the frequent abuse.
As long as YOU continue to tell yourself that this was the greatest sex and or connection that you ever had, frankly you are screwed.
These are the LIES (false beliefs/denial) which we use to sooth ourselves, keeping us tied to the narcissist, which in turn, keeps our addiction alive and kicking.
INTENSITY DOES NOT NOT = INTIMACY AND LOVE!!!
Think of it this way: You are "in love"/addicted to, a person who lies to you, cheats on you, puts you down, and in general causes you pain. They have a personality disorder, which won't allow them to LOVE you in anyway that is EVER going to make you happy, (selfish, self centered, manipulative, and aloof), yet, you find yourself back in the game repeatedly, to go a few more rounds.
Your body is used to relieve their own anger, fear, tension, sense of disconnection from the world and people, and feed their ego. Often, it is this turmoil, within them which feels so intense to you while engaging in the sexual act which you mistake for love and ultimately a false sense of their commitment to you.
When they sense you feeling disconnected from them, unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, used, confused, insecure in the relationship, unsure of how they feel about you and all the rest of it etc...perhaps you even attempting to pull away and break free.....due to all of this....
This is when they will throw you a bone and have SEX with you, sensing and fearing they may be losing you as supply. SEX for the narcissist is the glue that binds. IT is the ONLY glue which binds because they bring NOTHING else to the table.
So here you have two people, neither one of them is on top of their game in this relationship. The Narcissist because they are an empty hollow shell of a person, and you because you have become so damaged and needy in the relationship, you have lost clarity and perspective and no longer know which way is up or down due to all of their gas lighting and triangulation. The truth? What is the truth, you no longer trust your intuition and the truth is no clear to you.
The sexual encounter with the PD and the needy one, the one starving for love and proof that they are loved:
OF COURSE at this point, this connection (sex) is going to FEEL and APPEAR like a big thing because there is NOTHING else that you are receiving from this person, so in your mind, you put all your eggs in this basket and LIE to yourself, you say they must love me because the sex is so intense, I have never felt this way before, and so on.
You, are so starved for attention and normalcy that you FOOL yourself into believing that the SEX is some big thing, when in reality it is only a small portion of what makes a great relationship between two people and with the narcissist, it becomes EVERYTHING because this is ALL that you are getting. The contrast from the emotional abandonment to now being touched and paid attention to, is SO startling to your mind, body, and soul, that it ONLY APPEARS to be outstanding.
HOW can it be great if the rest of the relationship sucks. Thinking it is so great is how the mind of the addicted one in the relationship lies to themselves as an excuse/justification to keep the addiction and false beliefs alive.
These are the lies which you tell yourself, keeping you missing, craving, and going back to the very thing, the narcissist, which is keeping you stuck and in pain. YOUR drug, your sense of addiction is keeping you stuck. Thinking about the drug as anything short of poison is keeping you stuck. They are poison to you, the sex is poison to you, the obsessive thinking is the unhealthy part of you. Justifying, rationalizing and looking for an excuse to go back to your drug.
When you change your thinking about the sex and stop making it more important to you than the big picture of what they are and who you become when you are involved, and what you are not receiving from this connection, is when the obsession and need for him will begin to diminish.
The power lies in you, in your thoughts, your interpretations of what is real. Change your thinking and your life will also change.
This not great sex. This is not the love of your life. This is a sick, lying, manipulative disordered person who uses your body and their body to feel connected and release their own tensions. They use sex to control you and falsity their true motives. Sex for a narcissist in one of the most powerful future faking tools in their tool belt. Nothing more than this is the reality of a relationship with a narcissist
This is a tough concept for many as there is a false belief system held by some that if a person "craves" them sexually or is jonesing for a sex fix, they must love them. This concept is completely false.
The truth of the matter is that man's sexually urges are located in his lowest chakra and women's are only one level higher.
NOTE: A man¹s sexual organs are located primarily in his first chakra, so male sexual energy is usually experienced primarily as physical. A women's sexual organs are located primarily in her second chakra, so female sexual energy is usually experienced primarily as emotional. Both chakras are associated with sexual energy.
Therefore a man is quite capable of sexual urges which have nothing whatsoever to do with love, emotional connectedness or emotional commitment.
A woman generally requires an emotional connection, which by the very natural of her sexual chakra's location, requires an emotional connection. This of course does not apply to the female narcissist who's emotions are scrambled.
This is a vital piece of information necessary to absorb, in order to begin the process of deprogramming your false belief system in this area in order to understand and heal from the emotional damage and pain from an entanglement with a narcissist.
Bear in mind that a narcissist is well aware and well versed in understanding these distinct differences between men and woman.
As a male narcissist will USE this emotional/sexual connection a woman inherently feels, against her for their own advantages and for manipulation purposes, as a female narcissist will use a mans inherently primal physical sexual urges and nature against them in a similar manner.
Sex is a powerful controlling force a predator uses in order to draw in and secure their prey for not only their own personal gratification, more so in order to cement the toxic bond between you.
Sex falsifies the sense of "love" you feel towards them. These are your feelings I am speaking of here, not theirs.
You have no idea what they are feeling, you are assuming they are feeling the same as you as your feelings intensify. They are not feeling the same, rather observing your demonstration's of your feelings and interpreting this as they have now caught the fish for which the bait on the hook was sex.
Sex is one of the biggest future faking weapons in the narcissists arsenal.
You may be wondering if this process may occur before the actually sexual act and the answer is a big resounding, YES. When it comes to the intellectual/emotional foreplay used by a predator prior to the sexually act itself, they use sexual energy and intellectual word bait as well, as a prelude to hooking their catch.
This is all about how YOU are perceiving and interpreting what you think they feel, this in no way has a thing to do with what is actually going on. They are not thinking or feeling what you are, they are simply feeding you the lines and in the beginning, the actions of what they know you desire and YOU are reacting to your perceived script (preconceived notions) of what you think and want to believe is the case.
This is the very nature of the predator target relationship. They are thinking and feeling one thing and you another. You cannot see this at the time because your thinking and emotions are clouded by the future faking sexual energy being directed to you by them.
A true love connection is made on a higher plane, your higher chakra's and in that case the sex becomes the frosting on the cake, the gravy on the meat. Not the other way around.
The reason the narcissist uses sex physically and YOUR emotions against you is because it's quick and it's effective, it works. It nets results. It's a more powerful tool, in the beginning.
This is why these relationships unravel, because they were built on a cardboard foundation.
This is also why recovery is a tough fix. You are working from a place of false beliefs. You are working from a place of fantasy thinking and desperately trying to sort fact from fiction while your heart in broken into a million little pieces, as once they have caught their fish, hook line and sinker, there is no longer any need for them to pretend or expend all of this energy, aside from the occasional worm they send you whenever you try to squirm off of their hook.
The following is a member post which clearly describes the somatic narcissist:
~ gemofagirl ~
Try to identify not compare. Your details may differ. We are looking at patterns and treatment here, not just all the details lining up. Many use a detail or two differing from their story as some type of excuse to suggest that their person is not a narcissist, as was previously stated: your own denial, excuses, justification, fantasy thinking, false beliefs, are some of your own denial system where you need to become real, more right sized in your thinking lining up with the facts presented to you in your relationship with the narcissist.
"The first time we had sex, immediately afterward he blurted out "I can't believe we just f'd!". I found it so odd and he cleared it up by saying...I never f anyone this quickly. Mind you, we had already been seeing each other for 4 months almost daily...which to me wasn't "quickly". But I let it go (red flag ignored).
From that point on, the sex was the best I'd ever had in my life. It was very freeing, the communication was amazing and so was the intimacy (or the closest I had come to intimacy. I was not the most sexually experienced female in the world).
He said to me "What makes our sex and relationship so great is that we have such great communication and openness with each other". Okay, I'll buy that. It felt true.
And then he slowly started opening up about his deviant behavior and history. Messed up stuff. Truly. (Red flag)But I did not judge. I actually felt badly for him.I was happy that we could be so open with each other.
But certain other things were not right to me (which I now know are more red flags):
1. He didn't like to have intercourse. In the 10 years we were together, we only had intercourse to 'completion'....ONCE. He would look me in the eyes during intercourse and while I know he was trying to show me "love", it never felt right.
2. He seemed to think that I was this very experienced sexual being and begged to hear my wild stories while he got himself off (despite me telling him how I had had no wild stories, repeatedly). So I made a few up for entertainment purposes.
3. He was relentless in trying to get me to do things beyond my comfort level. He was subtle about it and if I stated I didn't feel comfy, he'd make me feel horrible with comments such as "forget it, you're not strong enough for it."
4. His favorite comment (though he called it a joke)was "I can't hear you unless you're naked." Puke.
5. As time went on, it was really only about he pleasuring himself orally. and I almost had to beg for anything else.
6. He HAD to have "dirty" talk or some cheesy porn video going at the same time. He constantly would say "That's you in that porn scene. I only see you" (How flattering.
Communication actually sucked between us (because again, it was all about him. There is no communication when it's only about one person). And he barely made time for anything unless it involved sex or some lame ass, freaky,turn on quickie.
Several times I told him that I felt like nothing more than a prostitute. And out of the 10 years I was with him, I will say that prostitute feeling was present for almost half those years. He would blow it off and tell me how wrong I was. Sometimes he would even spout tears and tell me "Why is it you can't see how much I adore you". Ugh.
I look back at it now and he just disgusts me. I see that the "great sex" we had was part of his love bombing. He saw what I needed and he spoon fed me it, until he had me where he wanted me. He'd promise me the things I wanted (sweet words) and never follow through."
The above is written by. ~ gemofagirl ~
The somatic narcissist may be perverted in some cases, requiring and requesting deviant acts, often prior sex addicts, some of them take their sweet time with letting you in on their dirty little secrets and PRETEND it is something between the two of you even though they do it with others, every chance they get and have for years.
It may be new to you; certainly not to them.
They lie lie lie.
Best sex, love of my life, soul mate, only do this with you, never felt this way, know you like a book, no one is as sexy as you, yadda yadda, whatever, it's all the same nonsense; different day.
Telling you that you are not strong enough or open minded enough to be their sex slave is a common scenario. Makes you more willing to please.
The formula is much the same from narcissist to narcissist with different details.
Another common question, my narcissist only wants bj's or anal:
Personally a man using my body as a disposal unit for his bodily fluids would never come under the category of better.
That's just me, it's all relative.
I am not judging what you like, just saying, to me, that is not a LOVING gesture.
I have had MANY men also agree with this (not that they don't like to do it, because it is no fuss for them; yet they also agreed, they did not think it was loving, they knew it was piggish), so just some more:
Food for thought.........on what constitutes great sex anyway?
What is Great Sex?
Well worth exploring this question in your recovery.
What is great?
I have had great talks with my son
I have had great walks with my dog
I have had great talks with my fellow Moderators
I have had great laughs over foolish mistakes I have made
I have had great breakthroughs which allow me greater peace of mind
I have had great inspirational moments with members in my support groups
I have great aha moments within my soul
Hmmm great sex great sex great sex, where does that fit into the scheme of things these days.
Somewhere between a great hike in the woods with my german shepherd and that high I get when I step on the scale and realize, I finally lost that last 10 pounds.
Great talks with my son...........great sex...........
NOT EVEN CLOSE
What are yours?
What is MOST important to you in a relationship?
Is this what you experienced with the narcissist?
Great sex and no love?
It's just not that special once your eyes are opened up to the true nature of a narcissist.
The truth sets us free,
Here is to coming out of the darkness and into the light.
To speak with Goldie directly and schedule sessions:
*** I hope this flips a lightswitch for others, too.
(not) spinning. AND MORE CERTAIN NOT TO BECAUSE OF GREAT INSIGHT LIKE THIS!