I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Wondering if I was insane or "losing it". Until about 2 weeks ago I decided to go to a marriage counsler. BY MYSELF! (he didn;t think he needed to go). I was told he is an extreme N with sociopathic tendancies. Get out. I was shocked and disheartened. I went to another. And was told to run. I was wondering what they heard me say. Why has I normalized this behavior and they are telling me to run. I have 2 small children. I really feel my marriage is over. I love him and care about him. But my love for him as a husband is gone. He cheated via internet. Nude pics, webcam, chats. Swore he wouldn't do it again. Only to be caught 5 more times. Then went to porn. Every chance he could. Literally. Treated my small kids like crud. Yelling at the baby! Every time I tried to talk to him he shut down. Watched TV and said well I think we are fine. ANd to get over the cheating. We have been intimate maybe 4 times in 2 years. Thinking of kissing him gives me the "heebie jeebies". I am lost. I am confused. I told him I want to leave and be done. He got teary eyed and said we have to make this work. I asked him why. His answer was "because". Not I love you, etc. I think I am ready to go. But I feel so bad for him. Am I nuts?? I feel like he will lose everything. And now he is on his BEST behavior. Picking up after himself. Playing with the kids. I swear in two years he has done nothing at home. Even before that nothing. NEVER a mother's day card. I never get a Valentine's, birthday, Xmas car or present. (OF course when we were dating I did). But he gets all the attention. If I buy a pair of gym shoes, he needs a pair or two. If I go out grocery shopping at night, it's wait until you put the kids to bed. But he goes out one night a week with guy friends- regardless of time.
I am sorry to ramble. I thought I was nuts, and see I am not. I feel in my head I have to leave. But my heart. I dunno. I am so friggin confused. Who can I trust to steer me in the right direction counsler wise? Is there a retreat or rebrain washing seminar I can go to for a few days and reboot my brain. I need help!