Abuterfly's story

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#1 Mar 6 - 10PM
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Abuterfly's story

I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Wondering if I was insane or "losing it". Until about 2 weeks ago I decided to go to a marriage counsler. BY MYSELF! (he didn;t think he needed to go). I was told he is an extreme N with sociopathic tendancies. Get out. I was shocked and disheartened. I went to another. And was told to run. I was wondering what they heard me say. Why has I normalized this behavior and they are telling me to run. I have 2 small children. I really feel my marriage is over. I love him and care about him. But my love for him as a husband is gone. He cheated via internet. Nude pics, webcam, chats. Swore he wouldn't do it again. Only to be caught 5 more times. Then went to porn. Every chance he could. Literally. Treated my small kids like crud. Yelling at the baby! Every time I tried to talk to him he shut down. Watched TV and said well I think we are fine. ANd to get over the cheating. We have been intimate maybe 4 times in 2 years. Thinking of kissing him gives me the "heebie jeebies". I am lost. I am confused. I told him I want to leave and be done. He got teary eyed and said we have to make this work. I asked him why. His answer was "because". Not I love you, etc. I think I am ready to go. But I feel so bad for him. Am I nuts?? I feel like he will lose everything. And now he is on his BEST behavior. Picking up after himself. Playing with the kids. I swear in two years he has done nothing at home. Even before that nothing. NEVER a mother's day card. I never get a Valentine's, birthday, Xmas car or present. (OF course when we were dating I did). But he gets all the attention. If I buy a pair of gym shoes, he needs a pair or two. If I go out grocery shopping at night, it's wait until you put the kids to bed. But he goes out one night a week with guy friends- regardless of time.
I am sorry to ramble. I thought I was nuts, and see I am not. I feel in my head I have to leave. But my heart. I dunno. I am so friggin confused. Who can I trust to steer me in the right direction counsler wise? Is there a retreat or rebrain washing seminar I can go to for a few days and reboot my brain. I need help!

May 20 - 12AM
inrecoverynow
inrecoverynow's picture

run while you still can

You remind me of myself years ago, married to a man who wasn't at all what I thought he was. Porn addicted, a pathological liar, totally self-absorbed, and selfish to the end he spent all our money on HIS hobbies and interests. I first thought of leaving him in about 1993. Guess what? I stayed until November of 2009 after 25 years of a pathetic excuse of a marriage. Now I'm divorced, kids are grown - and have serious emotional problems - and I wish to God I would have cut my losses years ago. He kept convincing me that I was crazy, imagining things, exaggerating, etc. I developed headaches, autoimmune disorders, became seriously depressed, and it took a Herulean effort to FINALLY LEAVE HIM. I gave him the best years of my life and ended up alone, with little money, in a rental house, lonely, and yes, I STILL CAN'T GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD. I tell you this because you are obviously still young and have time to start over and rebuild your life. I strongly recommend that you NOT stick it out and ruin your life like I did. Let me tell you, the porn thing never went away and it turned into gay porn over time. I know our kids found some of it, too. I caught him dozens and dozens of times. He didn't want ME; he wanted the thrill of his secret life with porn, really sick stuff, too. It won't get better, believe me. I got so I couldn't stand to be intimate with him because I was so disgusted by the stuff I had seen. I finally had to leave to try and save what's left of my life. I wish I had known what NPD WAS at that time and had people to encourage me to run away fast. Listen to those of us who have been there. When your husband straightens up for awhile, it's a control thing. Mine did it too. NPDs get stuck somewhere between childhood and adolescence. I kept waiting for my ex to man up and take care of his family. He couldn't, because it wasn't in his toolbox. He was stuck at about age 16. Good luck to you. Protect your heart and your children. I wish to God I had taken my children and run years ago, before he damaged them. Your posting just reminded so much of me, several years ago, feeling like maybe I was the crazy one. It took years to learn what this disorder is and why my family was so dysfunctional. You're learning it early on. Keep after it, abuterfly, and good luck to you. Oh, I finally found a good counselor who understands the disorder. It took awhile to find one who did, so make sure you have someone who really knows what you're dealing with.
Mar 17 - 8PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

He Doesn't Want To Pay Child Support

He is terrified of moving out and having to pay bills and child support. That is the bottom line. Just watch the good behavior slack off in the next 6 months - year, if you think you must hang around for more of this crap from him (eventually). And the 'no cards/ no presents' thing along with the egg salad and pizza thing are all forms of abuse, I absolutely 100% guarantee it, he enjoyed pissing you off and making you miserable and not giving a damn about your wants, likes, needs, & preferences. He IS MOST DEFINITELY a Narcissist and possibly a Psychopath, I really feel sure of this, having lived it for 14 years myself with someone just like him who treated me shitty just like that. And I worked with another lady my age who had 3 kids with a similar type man who did the same thing to her for 22 years until he died suddenly with an unknown heart problem (he never would get life insurance no matter how she pleaded him too. More abuse. Now the family is really shit out of luck struggling financially when life insurance could have prevented that much). He is acting good right now, just to avoid paying child support. Next comes brainwashing the kids once they hit age 12 or so and the court determines they are legally able to pick which parent they want to live with, he will split on you, get a younger girlfriend, and braiwash the kids to move in with him and YOU WILL BE THE ONE PAYING CHILD SUPPORT TO HIM. Just a head's up, this is how they operate. Be ready. His niceness is all an act. He showed his true colors all those years he was an asshole. That's the real him, I promise you. No one can be that mean for that long, if it is not who they are at the very core of their being. All the best to you and your children.
Mar 17 - 1PM
livewpsycobabble
livewpsycobabble's picture

The Chase

Hi Abuterfly; I am new here too and it feel's like a God send. Regarding your N being on his best behavior...the chase is on. They seem to relish the chase and not the capture. Once a predator has caught their prey its nothing more than a meal to them. The only consistent thing about them is their ability to keep our life inconsistent. That's how we end up questioning our own minds. The very few times I ever got an apology from my N. (can count them on less than one hand) was always with his back turned to me while he was walking out of the room. Yet, I get a talkin' to if I don't respond to one of his stupid jokes send via e-mail. Expects an apology out of me. Pffff!
Mar 9 - 6PM
rache
rache's picture

sociopath

I think he is a sociopath,period.ALL sociopaths are NARCISSISTS.BUT,not all narcissists are sociopaths-my ex psychopath(some say sociopath and psychopath can be used interchangeably)did the LYING,CHEATING,ABUSE thing,and,they will NEVER,EVER,EVER change=they do not LOVE/nor can they love anyone.
Mar 7 - 11AM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Hello Abuterfly! So glad you found your way here!

Hello Abuterfly! I am so glad you found your way here! First and foremost for you, I am hoping that soon the emotional agony you are experiencing will ease up a bit, - just by the mere fact that you will find out from reading the other stories around here, that you are not alone. And, that his rotten, selfish, self-centered, emotionally heartbreaking abusive behavior is not your fault! By the way, withholding sex and not saying "I Love You", is big time emotional abuse! Remember that! The withholding sex will make you feel insecure, unloveable, undesireable, ugly, unwanted, and crazy. And it is his way of abusing you. Sick isn't it? On top of that, pornography is a nasty addiction. It usually snowballs (like any addiction) - they need more hardcore stuff to eventually to get off, as they become desensitized to the more normal stuff. I hope your small children aren't girls, there could be a risk down the road for them with this man. Keep an eye out for strange behavior in that area. Back to the part where he doesn't say "I Love You". If he can't say "I Love You", he needs to stop wasting your time and precious life and move on so that you can have the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone who does love you and want to be intimate with you. I can tell you what it is - he just wants to keep a roof over his head and not have to pay child support. Bottom line. When he got scared when you called him on his bad behavior, he cleaned up his act..... temporarily. But he didn't change who he is at the core of his being. He just sat up straight in his chair so the teacher wouldn't slap him on his hand with the ruler again! I lived it for 14 years too, and had 2 kids (currently ages 5 and 2) with a Narcissistic LOSER. Think of a Narcissist as a self centered, selfish, loser. Because that is what they are. Simply put. Having to buy a 2 pairs a shoes whenever you bought a pair? Mine did stuff like that all the time too. Not buying you Christmas / Valentines / Birthday gifts? Mine too. It's called abuse. And selfishness. And it's a permanent disorder within their personality. They suck. I developed cancer in the 8th year of total fraud I called a 'marriage/relationship' from the stress, agony and confusion of it all. Yes I too thought I was going insane, wondered if anyone else was going through this type of agony and loneliness. Fact is millions of spouses are, because there are millions of people walking this earth with various Personality Disorders including Compulsive Liars, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopaths, just to name a few - And these disordered people are often married to very confused and depressed spouses suffering in silence and isolation and at the end of their ropes. I tried to talk about it to friends family neighbors co-workers and yes even a variety of counselors. Those who haven't lived it, can't really understand it. Many counselors just dont get it. Remember the "you are not alone" thing I mentioned? You said you went to marriage counseling alone, for 2 weeks. I went alone, to marriage counseling, for 2 years. Along with all the other counselors along the way, looking for answers. Made the mistake of going to a religious based counselor who used the bible alot as a point of reference. You know, - pray about it. Passive stuff like that. I am now more in favor of this bible reference, if anything - "God helps those who help themselves"! Many of these counselors don't get it, because it takes more than reading about Personality Disorders in a textbook in college to understand it. You have to experience it face to face to really come to know the WEIRDNESS of it. But, it sounds like the 2 counselors you went to see, could see that this man has a major problem right away, if they advised you to leave him. Probably because the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. You told them all about his behavior thus far in the relationship with you, and they made their assessments, that he probably isn't 'fixable'. And, life is so short. Everyone around here has experienced something similar to what you and I have, and that is why their stories and advice are SO HELPFUL and INSIGHTFUL. The demands of raising young children in this situation only multiply the pain suffering and mental agony, because you are also exhausted. Thinking clearly becomes a real challenge. I know that first hand too, due to my 2 small kids running me ragged. I am an older mother, at age 40, and doing the potty training thing. The stress of it all takes a toll on your body in so many ways, lots of women turn to food for comfort also, among other things. Some people reach out and have affairs, due to feeling such complete and utter cold hearted rejection and lack of interest from their husbands at home. Gradually as the emotional agony and turmoil of feeling all alone in YOUR PERSONAL HELL lessens, the 'smoke will clear' in your brain, and you will begin to see the reality of what your husband is. The reality is, his brain is broken. And, that it IS NOT YOUR FAULT (he will try to blame it all on you of course). He has been broken for a long, long time. Since childhood at least, or even earlier, he may have been born with this personality disorder (among other mental problems). I promise you, he would have done this to ANY WOMAN he was with if he weren't with you. And he will do this to other women in the future. It's not you, it's him. His brain is broken. To answer your question about: "Is there a retreat or re-brain washing seminar I can go to for a few days to reboot my brain?" Healing takes time. There is no quick fix. The problem revealed itself over time. The pain and suffering developed over time. Therefore healing and learning what is going on, take time. The best thing you can do for yourself is try to read all you can around here for at least an hour every day. Hard with small kids, I know. I read here and there as I can. Between potty training the 2 year old, no less! (He's almost 3). Secondly, Barbara left you some great advice. It does take time to heal, 18 months is a safe bet. These quick fix seminars are just money makers in my opinion (usually cost alot). And, you know the old saying, "Rome wasnt built in a day". It's absolutely true. It took a long time for you to get to this point, its going to take a while to get back to normal - back to the person you were, before you met your husband. But here is the good news about that: once you learn ALL ABOUT these self centered people, you will be less likely to fall victim to one in the future. God bless you, hang in there, and all the best to you and your precious children.
Mar 7 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Well the witholding sex has

Well the witholding sex has been on my part, since the cheating. I don't think I can really have sex with him again. I don't care if I ever do again. I was recently diagonsed with Fibromyalgia and put on a new medication. I think that has cleared my brain enough to see I am in trouble here. That was one of the reasons I was able to withold sex for so long. The fibro pain. I told him I don't think I can get over the cheating. He says "we have to". I can't keep holding it over his head forever he says. But when I trusted him to stop he didn't. Now I know for a fact he isn't webcamming or chatting. I installed a program to track him. But he is looking at porn daily. How do I find a local counsler well versed in this issue. My problem is he is being so good right now. He is a huge charmer. My family supports me 100% in whatever I decide. But they are even getting a soft spot for him. He works with me and my family. If I leave he loses everything. His job, kids, financial stability. I will give him the house and run. But it will kill him. Is there really NO hope? I don't know why I am clinging to a lie. I will read around the boards.
Mar 9 - 6PM (Reply to #25)
rache
rache's picture

YOU

are NOT responsible for him! IT was He who violated your marriage and broke the vows and sacred covenant.Let him fend for himself-he seemed to already be checking out the other ~GREENER pastures~i divorced my psychopath 3 months in-if-i had known sooner a marriage wouldnt have happened.
Mar 7 - 4PM (Reply to #24)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Charmer = Liar

Charmer = Liar most of the time. He's being a charming good boy because he doesn't want to have to pay child support and a mortgage. If he was a nice normal guy who really cared about you he would have gone to the marriage counseling with you.** ** One footnote to that statement is if he is a Narcissist or other Personality Disorder, he'll go to the counseling only to brainwash the therapist into believing he's a good guy. I am surprised you feel you still love him and are worried about his future without you around to keep him financially stable, even in light of the fact he never bought you presents for Christmas, Valentines, Birthdays, yelled at a baby and treated the kids like crud, and cheated on you multiple times. That's amazing.
Mar 7 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

abuterfly - let go of the fantasy!

finding help: http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/searchclinic1.asp I have fibro too... 15 years of it... LET GO OF THE LIE - you do NOT have to GET OVER IT. No way, jose: PLEASE READ ALL THESE: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/10/01/there-hope http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/15/toxic-hope http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/19/should-you-stay-or-should-you-leave http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/24/your-medical-conditions-root-your-relationships http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/14/pain-stinks-dont-go-through-it-nothing http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/10/letting-go-of-fantasy-so-you-can-grab.html http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/02/04/am-i-suffering-vain ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 7 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome abuterfly

Get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - this guy's your classic Predator. Sounds like Psycho-Boy. Typical. Uses and abuses women with seductive hypnosis and mind control -- and thinks nothing of destroying you. You would have to read my story. BTW he could be a Sociopath with Narcissistic Tendencies - not the other way around. You need someone who can treat the PTSD he's given you asap: http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/help/searchclinic1.asp - Find a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, and quietly, and start the process to get him out of your & your children's lives IMMEDIATELY before things get worse. Do it NOW! YOU WILL NOT EVEN START TO HEAL UNTIL HE'S GONE. - Sandra Brown, MA has phone counselors that you could use in the meantime that I highly recommend but you can NOT 'reboot' your brain while he's still in the picture. No way. - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Please read ALL the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing classically takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) as soon as he's GONE and you will need ongoing support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Well, I went to another

Well, I went to another psycologist today for another opinion. (Don't ask why, I dunno). I guess maybe I was uncofortable with the first saying all that about my husband without even meeting him. The one today said she thinks our problems could be a lock of communication, family changes and frustration with computer sex addiction mixed in. And we should work through our feelings together in therapy. Ummm, what a difference. I am not sure I have anything left to give him. WHen I finally say I am done and want out he cried, begged and pleaded with me to please try. He never knew I was so unhappy and things were so bad. SURE>> I am sure he never heard me! I am so friggin confused.
Mar 9 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
rache
rache's picture

TESTING

Tell your husband he will have to be psychologically tested or you're going to divorce his a..,then,get it don e asap! THE TEST DO NOT LIE-you will know if its a personality disorder then....
Mar 9 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

testing

sorry rache - PDs are known to fly through those tests with flying colors. abuterfly - get away from this creature - his brainwashing is skewing your ability to think logically & rationally. READ: http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/11/01/sticking-narcissist-you-are-making-them-worse ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 9 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
rache
rache's picture

GOOD LORD!

thats even worse-for me! My ex psycho failed the test miserably,but,we all know he's so pathological it isn't funny-psycho-boy clone.
Mar 9 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
M
M's picture

I am reading abuterfly's

I am reading abuterfly's story and it sounds WAY to familiar! Go for as much custody as you can.
Mar 9 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Thanks everyone for your

Thanks everyone for your comments. I called one more doctor, from this site. She is close to me. So I told her a synopsis of my story. She is meeting with me on Saturday. Thanks Barbara for the article. I am trying. It is just so hard to wrap my head around all of this. I thought he was just a lazy a***** who thought my way or the highway. Not a whole slew of personality disorders.
Mar 10 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
rache
rache's picture

I am

looking forward to what she has to tell you about this guy...Good luck!
Mar 11 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

HELP!

I was wondering. I have been hearing the BS from my Nhusb for years. He will help me, I appreciate you (only in words), I am sorry I was trolling the internet, sorry I posted nude pics, I want to be with you and the kids, please help me. Then after our (mostly one sided talks) he acts as though we never had a diagreement. And all is wonderful with the world. Well on Valentine's Day I asked him to leave the home and stay by his parents to "clear my head". NO GO. He said he won;t leave the kids. So I went on saw 2 doctors, they both said he is a N with sociopathic tendancies, with possible borderline personality mixed in. WOW> Fun. So after talking with him about for almost 2 weeks, him always acting like we will be fine. Me planning my escape. He finds this site. Asks me what a N is. I say - read it on another site you will see. He reads it, starts tearing up saying the kids- Oh my god. I don't want them to have this because of me. Do you think I have this? Then proceeds to tell me he never realized how much he has hurt me as I cry like a toddler- barley able to verbalize what he has done to me between sobs. He says he is sooooooo sorry. He will do WHATEVER it takes to make this work. We have to make it work. He will go to counseling (never agreed the 50 times I asked in the past 2 years) Starts helping around the house. ANd the kids. My DD is 3 and now wants her daddy evey second because now he is actually paying attention to her. Just 2 small examples of control. He makes egg salad with onions- I hate onions. So I have asked him countless times to please set aside a small bowl for me and kids, then add onions. He never, ever did. Then out of the blue this weekend without being asked- made some with and without onions. Hmmmm. You never heard me before but now without asking you suddenly remember to do this? On Monday we went to his p's for dinner. My son's bday. My N wants to order pizza. Says lets order from ______. MY FAVORITE place. We ate there all the time when we were dating and when I was pregnant with my daughter. Then he read an article rating pizza joints and the #1 was his new favorite. Even though we had never eaten there before. So for almost 4 years I have been told we aren't going to _______, because he hates it. Never liked it. Doesn't want it. NOW he says lets order there. I am so confused. My question is... I have heard these promises before. What makes it so different this time, that he is acting as though he really wants to change? Why agree to couseling? Why do everything right- now. When I thought I was done in my head and planning to leave. I don't think I have anything left to give him. Please don't bash- as we all have been here, but there is a part of me that loves him. Is it the man I thought he was? WHy do we put up with all this. In 5 years of marriage I never got a birthday card, anniversary, MOTHERS day. Not even a hand made card from the kids. But he always did. WTF? What do I do. How do I know for a fact he is a N. Not just from what they tell me. I must mention one psychiatrist is my really good friend. Has met and dealt with him on many occasions and when I confided in her- told me flat out- run! She said she knew he was a N but didn't know the extent of it. And he makes her skin crawl. Ladies, I need help here. WTH am I doing? I am believeing he really wants to try. For those of you who did believe but left after he failed- what happened? How long does it take for them to fail AGAIN?
Mar 11 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
rache
rache's picture

My psychopath

ex(husband) would hear me ask for something,but,he would NOT get it,but,Every dang time he upset me enough to leave his a.. he would all ogf a sudden offer me the world-send flowers,candy,a little money etc........
Mar 11 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
dysenchanted
dysenchanted's picture

Abuterfly

Wrote: "What makes it so different this time, that he is acting as though he really wants to change? Why agree to couseling? Why do everything right- now. When I thought I was done in my head and planning to leave..." Gently...you just answered your own question. He fears that he's been exposed. He thinks you might be serious about leaving. He is manipulating you. When/if you decide to give him yet another chance...he will revert back to the same old N he always was. If he truly cared about you or the kids he would have been doing these things all along.((((abuterfly)))))
Mar 11 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

abuterfly

I wanted to give you advice, but I edited my original post. If he's looking at this site, giving you advice would be fruitless. Admin, any way to contact her off-site??
Mar 11 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Quietude

He saw the front page and then hasn't been back since Monday. I have a program on my computer that tracks everything he does. He hasn't been back. And he didn't even know I posted here.
Mar 11 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

abuterfly

READ: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/hoover-how-to-recognize-it-and-move.html Get out, get out, get out, get out Listen to his ACTIONS - never his WORDS!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 25 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Told him I want out.

I saw that new DR. She was so nice. But expensive. She isn't on my insurance and I can't pay her rates weekly. But he is now agreeing to go to counseling. Ha. After two full years of asking. I say I am done, now he will go. Now he is all nice, etc. I read about hoovers. I don't think he can keep it up. But what if he really did realize he was losing everything. And wanted to change. No bashing, I am just playing devils advocate. I am trying to see all sides here. I am like in a tunnel. Blinded. I don't think I am in love with him as a husband. Maybe as a roommate or friend. But the intimacy is gone. I pulled the plug on that after nude pics, webcam crap. But he turns the story around to suit him. The other say I asked him- "what do you think we need to work on to fix this". He smirked and said "write me a list". I asked if he was serious he laughed and that was the end of the conversation. Today is his birthday. I got him a card, from the children and a small gift- from the children. My DD knows it is his birthay and I can't do that to her. (Give him nothing from them). But Thursday nights he goies out with his guy friends from his car club. And he is planning on going tonight. I asked him- where are you guys going. He told me the resturant, then proceeded to ask me if I want to go. Um no. And why did I have to bring it up. My parents and friends say if he was really trying he wouldn't be planning a night with them. He would be with his family. I kind of get that. But he needs the attention, I think. I am stuck. I care about him- ( please don't freak). We have all been here. I can't stand the begging and crying. Then he threatens, he doesn't know what he will do to himself if I go and take the kids. WTH? Then he goes on the next day like everything is gravy. UGGHHH. Why am I doing this. Why do I choose people who manipulate. I have done this throughout my life. In all aspects. Friends, women included. Why do I want to save people, or think there is better behind the crap?
Mar 25 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

abuterfly

Good for you to take a stand. Go get your therapy, but by yourself. "Why do I choose people who manipulate" They choose you. "Why do I want to save people, or think there is better behind the crap"...because you have a lot of empathy, and likely a people pleaser. These alone are not bad qualities, but to a patholgical wolf, it makes you fresh meat. He's not even in counseling yet, and you're still getting glimpses of bad behavior. My opinion is to put blinders on and keep moving forward to freedom from this very toxic person. Most of us at one time wished ours would change too and were hopeful, then we woke up!
Mar 25 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

abuterfly

first - tell this counselor your financial issues - see if she will cut you some slack and work with you second - he's pulling a Hoover Manuever. too late. he's done. this sudden willingness to change is manipulation and PROOF HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS ABUSIVE & DID NOT CARE!! Get out now! http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/hoover-how-to-recognize-it-and-move.html if you stay - the abuse is going to worse than you can even imagine ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 27 - 3PM (Reply to #18)
lostmysoul
lostmysoul's picture

difference

what is the difference between NPD and a sociopath or psychopath?
Mar 27 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Can this be?

I have been reading others stories and the blogs. I am finding so much info that really helps me. My question is. The true to form Narc seems to like the control financially, etc. My N is opposite. He wants everything done for him. I am 100% responsible for the children (1 & 3, money, bills, plan arrangements, daycare, house, food, cars, etc! We have NO partnership. He throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way though. He said he wanted to work on things and will "get help". His birthday was Thursday. He has a standing guys night out on Thursdays with his car buddies. Well he got all showered, shaved and ready to go in a nice button down shirt (regularly wears a t-shirt). Went out and got hammered. (they drove him back home). I was asleep when he got home. Shouldn't he have stayed home with his family on his bday if he were trying? Nah, he had to feed the N. I am sure they all told him how great he is and happy birthdays all night. So can N's be so child-like and take zero responsiblity. He is also not a rager. He doesn't even yell. Just avoids situations or discussions. Says everything is fine and we're ok. He has no idea what I am talking about. Until I threatened to leave. Light bulb moment for him. Or act some more. I am so confused. Does your N not rage? Does he/she avoid discussions, and live in the twilight zone. Pretending everything is great even after being told the marriage is over? WTH?
May 19 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
abuterfly
abuterfly's picture

Moving on

Well I have since filed for divorce. I am going for full custody. He has quit his job, and expects me to foot all his bills. I will have to pay the mortgage on my own but everything else I have forwarded to his parents house, where he is staying. He has been acting nuts. I have called the police on him once. He seems to be backing off for now. I just want this all over with. I need my sanity.