My Goodbye Letter to M
June 3, 2011 - 8:01am — goldie
As you and I both know, this relationship is no longer filling either one of our needs. The time has come to part company on all levels. This includes having you in my mind, body, and soul.
I can no longer fill your need for me to cater to your every whim, put my life on a back burner for yours, listen to your insults, lies, manipulations, mind games, cons, engage in your sexual perversions, remain in financial ruin, and sell my soul to the devil.
You no longer fill my need to mother a little boy, try to control the actions of an irresponsible wreckless self centered soul snatching coward, clean up your messes.
I no longer want to feel embarrassed in the community because of my association with you, feel less than, feel unworthy of real love, marriage, and decency, jealousy of the OW, afraid, angry, depressed, not good enough, like my thoughts are no longer my own, not a real part of your life, not young enough, not pretty enough, not as good as other woman who have great husbands and bf's, worried about finances and the home repairs, like I am both the man and woman of this home, afraid of the truth, afraid of never loving again, I am not worthy of a good life, like I want to die because you are so hateful to me, not worthy of a birthday or Christmas present, not worthy of being comfortable in my own home when you are here.
When we first met I had high hopes and have spent the past 2 years trying to understand what went wrong. I brought my own insecurities into the relationship and tried so hard to please you and make things right. No matter what I did it was to no avail. I now know that nothing would have been good enough for you and that I was wasting my time.
I had trouble letting go of the illusion of you and the false personna. I can now see you for who and what you truly are and it no longer appeals to me. I spent months crying, pleading with God, willing to do most anything to obtain your love. The love of my Daddy who was just as incapable of loving me as you are. I put all my love into you hoping that somehow I could fill that vast hole inside of me left from years of an abusive father. You reminded me of him in many ways and this had the exact same outcome as it did with my dad. When all was said and done there was still nothing there for me.
There were many time when I thought that I would not make it, that the pain was too great, that I would always feel like I wanted to die because you could not love me. I was just about willing to do most anything to gain your approval.
I came on this site and did the work and observed you with new eyes this last time and I have come too far now.
I am sorry for my part in all of this, I had no idea at the time that I was playing out all of my old tapes with you as well and that this was all part of the master plan to get me well and over my childhood trauma.
I am letting you go back into the universe and I wish you well. The lesson has been learned and for that I am grateful.
P.s. I am also letting my dad go and my need for his approval. I have been searching for this all of my life.
Dad, I am letting you go back into the universe and I wish you well. The lesson has been learned and for that I am grateful.
For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie
June 14, 2011 - 8:28pm — Simple Gifts
This is exactly what I would have said given the opportunity. And reading it helps give me strength to follow through on my convictions and not fall into the trap many women do when it comes to trying to divorce a narcissist... which is going right back to him. thank you!
That is a beautiful letter
June 3, 2011 - 4:29pm — Sparrow
That is a beautiful letter Goldie. When he responds, don't respond back! Stay strong my friend you have come so far! You were my first encounter on this site and I loved that you were there for me! I am there for you too.
June 4, 2011 - 7:07pm — Lisa E. Scott
I'm so glad you finally posted this letter! I could read it a million times and it still gives me goosebumps. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are so brave and such an inspiration!xoxo
Thank you Sparrow
June 4, 2011 - 10:53am — goldie
Your response brings tears to my eyes. I love that we are both there for each other. When I look back over my life, it has ALWAYS been women who have been there for me. There to validate me, support me, help me to pick up the pieces after a bad relationship with a man, there to hold my hand and encourage me to pick myself up, dust off the pain, and get back into the game. No man up until this point, has ever supported me in a manner even close to this. Perhaps that will change one day, I know there are good ones out there, and perhaps one day God will bless me with a healthy coupling of give and take, mutual respect, support, and working together as a team. I know today I will be o.k. regardless to whether or not this ever happens because I am alright now and I have the respect of women, friends, my son, and my community.
I did not send the letter. Maybe I will one day, maybe not. He probably would not GET IT anyway. I wrote it for me because it is a major part of our recovery. The letting go, goodby letter is essential to our recovery if we sincerely want to move on and begin our new life.
God bless you Sparrow and thank you so much for your words of encouragement, they warm my heart.
I have chills...
June 3, 2011 - 1:48pm — SusieSwizzle
because that is the letter I couldve written. And Goldie, so you know...after my ordeal with N, I too, have finally let go of my father...he too, was an extreme Narcissist...Mulitmillionaire who gave nothing to his children, but everything to his mistresses...and now he's all alone after abandoning his family. He left a message on my VM this past weekend, saying that he called to say goodbye, and that he was gonna do what he had to do..I never called him back..I dont even know if he's OK. And not so sad to say...I dont care..bc he is the reason I have looked at myself with such disillusioned eyes..You - Im sure - are a loving, caring, compassionate soul. You were actually BRED to be stronger than many..I believe that..I believe that there is good in all of this. I have to. You have to. We all have to. We needed these Ns to gain closure on another aspect of ourselves and our souls..We needed to have closure on pain we probably never confronted because we were too busy FIGHTING for unconditional love from a parent...but we were never able to win it. So we put ourselves out there to be the best we could ever be, and attracted more pitiful souls to help and heal, while all the while. All we needed to do was heal ourselves. Be blessed. I love this letter that you wrote. I plan on reading it over and over again when I feel weak. This letter makes me feel strong. You are a blessed soul. Im grateful for this board. Peace, Love & Light....Swizzle
Oh Susie, I can completely relate to your post
June 4, 2011 - 11:07am — goldie
I have lived this my entire life and your insight is amazing. I too lived with the horror of the abuse, the self doubt, the trying to find love from emotionally unavailable men. I butchered myself with this for many years. I was car jacked years ago and left in the hospital on life support in a coma for 5 days, upon my release my father was supposed to pick me up. He never showed up and I was forced to take a bus home all beat up and bruised. Everyone was staring at me. I felt humilation deep into my core, which I know you can relate to. When your own father will not accept you; who else will? It sets you up for the cycle of abuse. Another time, when my son was small I needed money to get into a new apartment and my father who had money, refused to help so, so I was forced to live in a shelter with a 2 year old. I was a good girl, honest, hardworking, not a drug addict or any of that. He has no excuse for not helping me. His only excuse was that he is a PD, incapable of caring about his own daughter and grandson. Also he never acknowledges, xmas, birthdays, holidays, it's as though I don't exist. My mother who was a great support died years ago, which has left me with no family. My heart goes out to you and all that you lived with as well. The good news is that we now have the tools to stop the insanity and learn now to love and approve of ourselve. I approve of you Susie, I can feel your heart, and your love. We are O.K. just the way we are and if anyone tells us differently we need to close that door and that old tape immediately.
God bless my sister in recovery, together we can make it to a better life, a life where we know we are o.k. and worthy of the best life has to offer.