moving on's story

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#1 Nov 30 - 12PM
moving on
moving on's picture

moving on's story

Hello everyone!

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving weekend :0)

I have to say after reading some of your stories, my heart goes out to you all and I hope you all know that you deserve so much more and that life is too short to be stuck with these losers. I hope you read my story even though it's long because I've included almost every detail :)

I met this guy through a friend. I usually don't date guys from my own religion/culture simply because I haven't found anyone I am attracted to. This guy was the first one, so I thought it might lead to something special. From the first time we met there were red flags.

Instead of meeting halfway, he insisted I go to his area. We met in a public place and were going to catch the late show at the cinema. I show up at 10pm after a 1/2 hour drive and he shows up at 11pm after a 10-minute drive. Obviously not the most punctual person. He was so late that they shut down the theatre. We ended up going to Wal-Mart and bought some food and got some Redbox movies (I bought 2 for $2, he bought the food). We went back to his place and his room was a mess. He left me there and went to go pick up/drop off his friend who was really drunk at the club. We kissed and that was that.

I told him the following day to return the movies, he text back saying of course and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said I couldn't. The following week I get an email saying I was charged $15 because the movies were never returned. I asked him what happened and he said sorry and that he would return them and pay me back. I met up with him again and this time we got kind of physical. No sex since I'm waiting till marriage. After that I sent him an email noting all the red flags I noticed and asking if he wanted a relationship. I got no response for two weeks.

I end up going to his place after a couple of days with food since I felt bad about him being sick. I stayed with him and then left. The following day he calls asking if I can drive him to the hospital. I do and he pays me $40. I stayed with him until 4AM. His mom comes in town from NY and stays with him for 3 weeks. She called to say thanks for driving him to the hospital. I said no problem.

After about a month, we connect again and I text him saying "Hey, what's up?" He calls me and talks my ear off about how he is recovering from being sick, got fired from his job, and that he is broke and in debt. He then asks if he can rent a room at my place since I just bought a house. I said I would think about it. The next conversation we had was kind of serious and he said if he dated anyone that he would want it to be exclusive and I said I agreed. I told him I was loyal to a fault. He said that was good. He then said he had 2 girlfriends in the past that really screwed him over and that he did everything for them.

I end up being really nice to him and feeling bad for the poor guy. I let him do his laundry at my place, gave him food, gave him $300, helped him move his stuff into his car before he drove down to Houston, and basically was there for him and listened to all his woes. He seemed to be really protective over his mom and sister who live in NY. I didn't ask any questions though because I figured he would tell me if he wanted to. There were a couple of instances where he would start crying and I would then just hold him until he stopped (sounds like a baby huh?).

So he moves down to Houston and says he would probably move back here by December. I try to call him and text him, just to keep in touch. The responses were either "hey i'm busy, call you back" and he would never call back or no response at all. So I stopped. He contacted me after about 3 weeks and I ignored him because I was mad and thought he deserved a taste of his own medicine. Then a month later he contacts me on FB asking how I was a stranger and where I'd been? I said hey I have been here, whats up with you? After waiting for a response, I just said gotta go TTYL!

This whole time we were FB friends and so he knew what was going on in my life through there. Then one day I text him asking for my money back and he said that he would be coming up in December and would give it to me by then. I said ok. A few days after that I go on FB and see that he blocked all his pictures. I scroll down and click on a photo link that leads me to this girl's album. I click through and it's him and this girl on a romantic dinner date with a private booth and everything. He even comments on her photos with phrases like "Simply perfect" and stuff that he never ever said to me. I got so mad that I called him and text asking "Are you seeing someone?" An hour later he calls and I blow up on him.

I said that I had been waiting for him to return so that we could date. I said I was hurt. He said he was just dating and that we were in two different cities and that he would not do long-distance even if he found his soulmate. He said he was confused on why I was so mad since we weren't together. He said this is exactly why he doesn't want to be in a relationship, because of this drama. I was like what drama? I haven't talked to you in like 3.5 months!? I said that I have left you alone because I knew he was busy and getting his life together. He didn't even care. He said that he would call me the next day. He calls me the following morning but I don't pick up. The day after that I text him saying to send me my money through the mail and that no communication was needed after this. He says "koo" I lost it. I text him back asking "did you ever care about me?" I said I needed closure and he said he would call me later that night.

He never calls, I text him for 3 days, still no response. I decide to send him a final email and in it I say sorry for blowing up, this is how I felt even though no commitment was made, and asked if he ever appreciated anything I did for him. Then I listed what I appreciated about him and said I hope he would be happy and that he can find a girl to fulfill his needs. I then said I thought he was the one for me but that I would move on with time. Then I dedicated Sade's By Your Side video to him. I know that's gay but I told him you have to appreciate what you have in your life because you never know what tomorrow may bring.

I found out some stuff about him from a reliable source. Basically his father physically abused him, his mom, and his sister, which explains the overprotectiveness. In addition, in college he constantly cheated on girls and nobody really liked him. He apparently likes thick girls with big boobs (I don't qualify for any of this, so I guess he was using me...) and according to my friend " he is psycho, stay away from him." It's nice to know all this now. But it's weird...I feel like he needs help but he's not willing to accept his feelings...and that's something no one can help with but himself. I blocked him from FB and I'm so emotionally drained. If I think about it, the only thing he has going for him is his looks, he is really a beautiful man...not so much on the inside though. He is only 25 and my friend told me that he changed his FB status to In A Relationship right after our fight. I found this shocking since he blatantly told me he does NOT want a relationship right now. I just don't get it.

I'm trying to figure out what went wrong. When we were together, he was so sweet and so interested. He would feed me food when we went out (I paid for half), he would be affectionate with me, and was always very physically into me, etc. I thought he really liked me...but was he just using me? I am 24 and just bought a house, have a great job, and am currently pursuing my MBA. I thought a guy would want to be with me...could it be that he was intimidated because he is completely broke? I don't know...it's been 1.5 weeks since I sent him the email and no response. I don't expect him to respond but I have this feeling that he will be contacting me. And when he does, I don't know if I should totally ignore him (prob the best option) or answer and just act really happy (i do feel free now though my pride is bruised) and pretend like it doesn't bother me.

I'm so mad that he would take some stupid girl out when I was the one that did everything for him when no one was there for him...and then the silent treatment...how immature. That girl doesn't know but she is going to be treated the same way I was...feel kinda bad for her. I'm just doing my best to move on from a loser...

Jan 8 - 4AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Same here

Well what you do for them doesnt count they wont even remember my ex N was everything to me he has NC with his whole family kids no friends only his work internet porn and gaming.he got in trouble while living with his ex and 3 kids had to leave his home in a hurry to a motel i found him an apartment trough Skype (he lives in the USA me in Europe)i helped him all i could because i always believed he was somebody who just was out of luck with a very lazy girlfriend that ignored him totally(now i know why)i was in a long distance relationship with him for 2 years full of red flags but i waved them off! Me too was an independent woman good life and happy ...he did devalued me in 10 hours after i went to stay with him for 3 months withdrawing affection the silent tretment always telling me about how other woman had a nice ass and yhe sex he did have with me (2 times ) was gross and he had no desire to do anything with me whatsoever and that if i would leave he would never speak with me again....weekends he went gaming for 14 hours or more solid,watching videos with half naked women and telling me how nice thy were ..well i left after 2 mnths totally broken emotionally i never saw somebody change so fast! in 10 hours!i went from being all for him to nothing! While i was there i did and payed for all the groceries the gas the heat water because i am diabetic and he doesnt earn much (he is an Utility worker for Public Housing) even bought pans pots chairs a bed (his broke down) doesnt matter i did because i wanted to.What i mean is dont expect anything back from them not even emotionally! thats what he told me .He said i dont care if you live or die dont expect anything for me you are dead and buried.in 2 years we talked everyday for hours on Skype on fathers day and birthday and christmas i always sent him something i never got one postcard! i did really love him and still do and i cant understand why...i feel ashmed of myself that i did let him treat me like that.I am intelligent good looking Empathic ...in the begginning he did something when he was chatting with me that i thought is something wrong with this guy...but then he sent me an email asking me to forgive me and to call him and sent also his picture...a smiling Afro american guy and then i decided to forgive him because i was afraid he would think i was discriminating him!Ishould had folowed my instincts.Now i am in Therapy for already 1 year (is not working) i am very self destructive sad confused and he blocked me everywhere and NC.sometimes he let me see that he is talking to somebody else men or women (he told me recently that he is having feelings for men too)may be is just a lie to drag me down more and more.So please dont let that guy play you,for me the damage is too big already i am really trying to stay NC but is difficult because i was addicted to him ,but i will survive .They cant change we do! Love aceonelady

Aceonelady

Dec 5 - 11AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Forget the Money

I highly doubt that you will get this $300. Ns love money as much as themselves. Thank your guardian angel that this N went to Houston. Do you know how narrowly you escaped when he went to Houston instead of a room in your house? A smart & employed woman such as yourself owning her own home. You are a perfect target. If he had gotten into your house you would have been destroyed. You saw that with the movies he did not return, after he was an hour late, after you drove an hour to meet him. It was all a one way street, his way. Why should this check come your way? If the check comes in the mail, fine. Never, ever have any contact with this blood sucker again. Women have lost fortunes to these guys. Not to mention their hearts & sanity. Take it as an object lesson that cost you $300. Cheap. Read the stories here!
Jan 7 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

$300???

You got off cheap! He would have drained you of alot more than that if you would have continued with him! Believe me, it would have happened before you even knew what hit you! I would have gladly given my exN $300 just to have been spared all the other turmoil he caused me and my kids. Be glad, very glad!!! Don't think we don't know your narc...we do. They are all the same. They couldn't be any more alike if they had the same mother and father!
Dec 1 - 12PM
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh My.....RUN dont walk away from this guy

Moving On....I just read your story and you sound intelligent, caring, generous and kind in nature. Those are excellent traits to have...you deserve respect and kindness in return. You noticed the red flags and THEY ARE DEFINITELY RED FLAGS! Good for you for recognizing them. This guy is a user and maniputlator. Who knows what he has kept from you...probably scary stuff. I just went through this same dance with my Ex-Narcissist man. These parts of your story just screamed out at me: You confronted him with your concerns about his behaviors and he didn't respond to you (this is silent treatment and these men use it to avoid addressing what is wrong with them and to punish you for asking about it)-My Ex was the Master at giving me the silent treatment. Also, he told you his last 2 girlfriends screwed him over....more like they realized he was a con artist and a liar and kicked his arse to the curb. Again, my Ex told me that his relationships before me were sour. He said the "other" women used him and when they got mad at him and blew up, he would tell them once to not do that and the second time he told them to hit the road! Does that scream psycho and Narcissist or what? Finally...he told you he was busy and would get back to you? I am sorry to say, I believe this is another form of ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment. He didn't want to tell you anything else because he knew you were quickly figuring him out. He lied to you and kept you in the dark...this is the same exact thing my Ex did to me right before I told him to go to hell and I was done. This was about 3 months ago. DO NOT ALLOW THIS MAN BACK INTO YOUR LIFE! Block him off your FB page, your e-mail, IM, cell phone etc. It is not uncommon for these types of men to have 2, 3 or more women that they "play" at once. My Ex had 3 of us he was trying to control and manipulate. I exposed him to one of the other women, one woman was transferred to another base (military lady-she kicked him to the curb too) and then there was me. I gave him hell and the more I exposed him, the more he ignored me and lied. It will take time and I am sure you feel emotionally and mentally drained. I still feel this way. You will be alright!
Dec 2 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
moving on
moving on's picture

thank you

Hi Justice Seeker, Thank you so much for your kind words. It is nice to know I am not the only one out there. I can't wrap my mind around the way these guys act and think. It is truly some sort of disorder. I did block him from my FB, deleted his #, and have tried to close all other forms of communication. It has been almost 2 weeks with NC and he has not tried to contact me either. Given that he still owes me money, I am guessing I will get it in the mail. I am so hoping that he does not come up to my city this month as he mentioned before and tries to get in touch with me. He will probably say he wants to give me my money in person. In that case, I will most probably say sorry I don't have time, please send it to me in the mail as we discussed before. He will want to see if he still has power over me but once he tries to contact me and break the silent treatment, that power will be gone and he will try to regain it. I just can't let that happen!
Dec 2 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Good For You!

I hope I was able to help you out a little bit. It does seem to help when you know others have heard the same lines from these men and have gone through similar experiences. It hurts the same, but we know WE are not the crazy ones. It sounds like you are planning ahead and that is what it takes! At least I think so! I definitely understand getting your money back (in these times we all need a tight grasp on our finances!), but is there a way you could let this money go and "break" this hold he has???? This way, you don't even have to say one more word to this man. This is just a thought I wanted to throw out there. Hang in there and keep us posted!
Dec 2 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

research confirms what's wrong with them

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/11/29/lacking-guardian-angel-behavior ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Dec 2 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is where I have trouble...

Barbara, I appreciate this article. I have read about this before. My problem is that my heart tends to want to have compassion and empathy for THEM, because they may not be able to stop what they are doing. Even as I type this, I feel sick to my stomach...I always made excuses for my Ex. Even when he left me vomiting and crying, I would hurt for HIM and not me. Maybe I am nuts too???? Time has shown me that these men DO know what they are doing. This all seems so sad at times.
Dec 2 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
moving on
moving on's picture

Justice Seeker, I have the

Justice Seeker, I have the same compassionate and empathetic nature for these bloodsuckers. It sometimes is such a burden to be an emotionally available person...when you get stuck with a deviant manipulative personality that is. We sound similar. After I saw this guy's pictures with another girl, I threw up and cried. I told him that in the email - of course no remorse, no response. I have NO IDEA what he is feeling...but it's obvious he doesn't care one bit about me. And with that knowledge...it kind of makes it easier to move on because I know that I don't deserve that. And neither do you when you are such a nice person. And yes I will consider letting go of that money. Being as frugal as I am, I was surprised I lent him any in the first place. It is something I have never done before. And probably something I'll at least think twice about if considering again.
Dec 24 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
moving on
moving on's picture

update

Hello strong women! So it has been a little more than a month and I have successfully not contacted him...nor has he contacted me. I did slip a little yesterday though when I unblocked him from FB just to see his pictures. It seems he has already met the girl's family, spent Thanksgiving with them, went ice skating, went to her cousin's b-day party at Chuck E Cheese and went out to dinner numerous times. There are pictures of him kissing her on the cheek and many pictures of them holding hands blah blah blah. I couldn't sleep last night because I was just wondering how he could con this girl and her family into thinking he is normal. This is the same guy that borrowed $300 from me and hasn't paid me back. I just wonder how they would react if they knew about his past and how he treats girls. Her family seems to be pretty wealthy so I am sure he is taking advantage of that as well. I am not going to mess with it and I'm going to block him again (you have to wait 48 hours before u block the same people again). Anyway, I am mad and sad that I acted so stupidly and that he never treated me as nice as he has this girl. I plan on moving on still as I have been for the past month...
Dec 24 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
moving on
moving on's picture

update-sorry posted twice i dont know how to delete

Hello strong women! So it has been a little more than a month and I have successfully not contacted him...nor has he contacted me. I did slip a little yesterday though when I unblocked him from FB just to see his pictures. It seems he has already met the girl's family, spent Thanksgiving with them, went ice skating, went to her cousin's b-day party at Chuck E Cheese and went out to dinner numerous times. There are pictures of him kissing her on the cheek and many pictures of them holding hands blah blah blah. I couldn't sleep last night because I was just wondering how he could con this girl and her family into thinking he is normal. This is the same guy that borrowed $300 from me and hasn't paid me back. I just wonder how they would react if they knew about his past and how he treats girls. Her family seems to be pretty wealthy so I am sure he is taking advantage of that as well. I am not going to mess with it and I'm going to block him again (you have to wait 48 hours before u block the same people again). Anyway, I am mad and sad that I acted so stupidly and that he never treated me as nice as he has this girl. I plan on moving on still as I have been for the past month...
Jan 5 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
moving on
moving on's picture

Update!

Hello strong women! Last time I wrote was when I unblocked this guy from my FB. Happily, I was able to block him again and don't plan on ever unblocking him. For New Year's I went down to Austin and thought it was such a coincidence that my friends and I were going to the same club that him and his friends were. When I walked in, I was surprised to see him there but I ignored him. I know he saw me because my girlfriends told me so. He was with his girlfriend and made it a point to show that he was very happy. I didn't talk to him the whole night and just enjoyed myself. A lot of my friends asked why I didn't ask him for my money (about $300). It was because I didn't want to talk to him and get caught up again. I would love to have my money back and the fact that he doesn't care to return it pisses me off. This girlfriend of his by the way is his meal ticket. From what I know, it looks like he is using her in more ways than one. She's kind of bigger so I don't know if she is just putting up with him or if they are seriously into each other. In either case, it has nothing to do with me. My friends wondered how he could move on so fast and into a relationship. I said probably because he just wants someone to give him attention. Anyway, should I ask him for the money or just let it go at this point?
Jan 5 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Small Claims Court Is Pretty Easy

Good for you on not talking to him! I really congratulate you on that, it seems you have experienced alot of personal growth to be able to ignore him. And do teach your friends all about these personality disorders. You never know whose life you might save in the long run! Small claims court is a great idea, it's pretty easy to do, no lawyer needed, and the dollar amount limit to sue for used to be a maximum of $5,000, probably more now, so you easily fall well under that amount at $300. You might even get reimbursed for gasoline money, etc to travel down to file, just call the court and ask the clerk if you can recoup that cost too. And even if it's just "he said/ she said" without any proof, the fact you even file and show up for the court date - the judge will probably rule he pay back at least half ($150), even without you even having anything in writing stating he would repay. I know this from personal experience on the small claims court thing. Try it! It's inexpensive to at least file it in the court. You just file the complaint & paperwork, then show up on the court date. And, bring a friend or two on the court date, to give you some support if you like. Believe me, even if you don't get a penny back, it will REALLY CHAP HIS ASS that you filed - even if you just file the paperwork through the mail (if too far to travel to the court) and so he gets a letter from the small claims court saying he is being sued (send to his parents house if you dont have his address - woo hoo! parents then know all about it, too) and that alone is priceless! Good luck and hang tough! You're special guy is out there - honest and kind - keep your eyes open for him, now you are so much smarter and better able to spot the liars and psychopaths. God bless.
Jan 6 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
moving on
moving on's picture

I Slipped

Hello all, I am so embarassed. I did something retarded...I contacted him asking for my money. I told three of my friends and they all agreed I should forget about it. Two thought it was an excuse to get him to talk to me. I'm trying to figure this out. I don't want to talk to him. I even saw him on New Years and ignored him. I just want my money. How can someone not feel obligated to pay you back? I feel that way even if it's a dollar. I basically unblocked him from FB last night and sent a short message that said "Hi I saw you in Austin for new years, not sure if you saw me. I was wondering if you could send me the $300 you said you would send me by Jan...whenever you get a chance. Thx & Happy New Year" My friends said he probably won't respond and that I should move on, let it go, and start over with the NC. I don't know how I slipped, I just didn't think before I took action. I'm so embarrased. I'm glad that I can keep track of these things through this site...but I'm so embarassed. But I think I am good for it. The NC starts today 1/6/10 and lasts...forever hopefully. The only reason I would respond is if he asked for my address. Other than that, I would ignore. Is that ok?
Jan 6 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

moving on

NO!! DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR ADDRESS! HAVE HIM SEND IT TO YOUR OFFICE!!! and what part of SMALL CLAIMS COURT didn't you hear? No More Contact!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 7 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
moving on
moving on's picture

NC FOREVER!

Hi all, I am back on NC after making progress for 2 months and then slipping. I am on 1 day of NC. Sad but you gotta start over if you slip. No point on dwelling on the past which you can't control but on the future which you can. I am going to forget about the money. I do not want to go through court because it honestly shows that I care and I really don't, not about him anyway. I don't need that money. Plus he is not worth it to me to go through any hassle. The less time I spend on him the better. I realized that I go through these lulls of basically negative thoughts that make me feel down in the dumps. I'm going to try to recognize it and then change my thoughts so I can thereby change the way I feel. Looking at funny pictures or eating chocolate always boosts my mood. So I'm going to let myself be happy without all his drama. I know I didn't do anything wrong except allow myself to be used when I knew that's what was going on. Just can't do that anymore. You women are awesome! Stay strong and reading the stories on this site always makes me feel like I'm not alone. Take care!!!
Jan 7 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Don't Get Embarassed - No need to be, just hang in there with NC

Hello Moving On - please don't feel embarassed whatsoever about asking him for the money. I sense you feel overly ashamed, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You just want your money damn it! I understand, don't kick yourself about it. But Barbara is right, the small claims court is the way to go, and don't give this loser your address, that would be a bad idea..... never know when his mental problems could get worse and he decides to become a loser AND a stalker. So anyways, bottom line, DO NOT feel embarassed about asking for your money/ breaking the no contact. Hey, it's tough but it is do-able. Just keep trying to move on, be positive, and keep busy with stuff that makes you happy (yes chocolates and comedy movies are the best). God bless and do educate your friends so they won't have to suffer like you have.
Jan 5 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

moving on

do not ask HIM for the money make a file in small claims court... time to educate your friends about pathology. He moves fast because he's a Narc. Tell them to read up on it! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website