Why do we do that?

34 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 11 - 9PM

bgirl

Why do we do that?

Why as women do we label each other as the floozy, slut, or the like?

Seriously...I'm sure everyone here has their own side to their story...there's always his side, her side and the truth...and by reading on here it's more likely her story, her story and the truth. I don't think his recount is ever very accurate nor conducive to resolution or closure.

I would never call anyone a slut. Ever. I tell my children (11 and 13) that this is a cop out, a form of degradation brought about mostly by ignorance.

Does anyone else cringe at the labeling. I don't think anger excuses vilification. We all say the Narc has choices. Well so do we ...

#2 Jan 12 - 9PM

Run4it

Bgirl

In my perfect world, I would like to think that I am above name calling, but in reality, I have called the OW every ugly name I could think of, in my mind and some out loud to my friends. I'm sure she has her story, as does my sick ex Narc. Am I vilifying her or him out of anger? Certainly not. He was a villain. She was a willing accomplice. They both had choices as you say: He could have split with me honorably. She could have divorced her husband. Instead, they made very harmful and hurtful decisions and thus, have the bear the consequences of those decisions. They acted with full knowledge. He is a Narc. So what is she?

#3 Jan 12 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

TNR1

She is another

She is another victim....another source of supply. It's hard to see how anyone could do such a thing and I can see how it does look purposeful from your perspective, but let's not forget who typically orchastrates the whole affair and who tends to be the master manipulator as well as the control freak. As we know..there are no happy endings with Narcs so if she is still in his life, she is bound to run across some of his less desirable traits sooner or later. I would say that is probably going to be plenty of punishment.

#4 Jan 12 - 9PM (Reply to #29)

bgirl

A human being...a woman with

A human being...a woman with a story. Nonetheless for every action there is a reaction and yes ultimately everyone suffers in one way or another...

#5 Jan 12 - 10PM (Reply to #32)

Redhead

Bgirl

You are a wonderful, caring woman....I hope you know this. You're a victim just like the rest of us. It's true that I feel such anger & hatred toward my ex-narc & ow. However, please know that this has nothing to do with you. This is something I must work through. You keep your chin up & stay strong. Hugs!

#6 Jan 12 - 10PM (Reply to #30)

Run4it

I am sorry

for the pain that all involved have to go through. I am hopeful that we can all heal through this process and it is a process. We have all made mistakes but if we can learn from them and not repeat them, then it is not in vain.

#7 Jan 12 - 10PM (Reply to #31)

bgirl

Never to be repeated...amen

Never to be repeated...amen to that. xx

#8 Jan 12 - 6PM

ValiditySeeker

Yeah, I used to call other girls that

In high school. There were good girls that a boy could bring home to his parents and date seriously and then there were the sluts. AND THEN a very narcissistic jerk/stalker pursued me for an entire year. He just kept pushing and pushing to get me to go out with him. He basically wore down my defenses I and I succumbed like a damn idiot. The "relationship" was more of the same and he was manipulative and constantly pressuring me to have sex even though I didn't want to. He tried to get me to do give him oral instead since that "wasn't sex.". I hated him. Every time I tried to dump him, he'd cry and say he'd kill himself and I'd buy it. Until the time that I didn't. I called his bluff and walked away which enraged him. He told the entire school that we had had sex, that I fellated him in my parents's bed (uhm, no) and that I had practically begged for it. By the end of the day, my reputation of a good girl was ruined and I became a slut to anyone who had heard his lies. It was horrifying. Some of the things he said were true and some weren't but either way, people enjoyed rubbing it in my face. They would point and laugh as i walked through the halls. I became so depressed and ashamed, I lost a lot of weight and Mt grades slipped from straight A's. Anyway, now I would never call a woman a slut. Maybe she didn't even do those things. Maybe she did but under duress. Or like one of my friends, maybe she just likes to have sex "like a man.". :- ) In any case, it's none of my business. I don't judge. Anyone calls a woman "a slut" is trying to tear her down for some other reason.

#9 Jan 12 - 9PM (Reply to #27)

bgirl

Validity that made me sad.

Validity that made me sad. You were so vulnerable and he took advantage of your empathy and kindness and then persecuted you. Sounds all too familiar. My path to healing has brought me to my vocational calling. I am an educator and from now on I am going to make it my mission to highlight these stories of abuse to the teenagers in our schools over here. It is rarely acknowledged and often taboo for girls in particular to talk about such things. The labeling can have a huge impact on some and so I'd like to highlight that fact. Thanks for your post xx bgirl

#10 Jan 12 - 8AM

TNR1

Wow...I want to say a few

Wow...I want to say a few things: 1. If the Narc can change or lower the boundaries of someone single....can't he do the same thing with someone who is dating/divorced/married? Just saying... 2. It has been said over and over again that the OW is inconsequential...she is just supply as everyone in the Narcs life is supply. I'm not sure why there is so much bitterness that is always expressed about the new woman, the woman he was with before or even the woman he was involved with while he was involved someone else..they are just supply. Hating them doesn't change him. 3. There are a lot of women who struggle with sharing their story because they are afraid of being judged on this site. I want them to know that I support them being here and it doesn't matter if they were married, if the N was married or if the N was dating...doesn't matter to me. I know how these men operate. I welcome all here who are trying to heal from these abusive relationships. I was an OW myself. I have made my peace with that. I don't see myself as faulty or a slut or a whore....I see myself as a caring loving person who fell for the charms of a Narcissistic man.

#11 Jan 12 - 5PM (Reply to #24)

bgirl

For me I came to this site

For me I came to this site looking for guidance, answers, clarification. I have read hundreds of stories and posts in such a short time. In every story I can feel the persons pain. To judge them without knowing would be something I couldn't contemplate. I came here as I am the common denominator in a lifetime of abuse and I want to know what is so inherently wrong with me that I seem to attract or feel comfortable with that. I was the person on high moral ground too. For 37 yrs I did not drink, smoke, engage in reckless behavior, or sex outside marriage. Then 'he' came along. I didn't think I was beautiful like he was telling me. I didn't think.it was some secret liaison to giggle and be smug about. I thought he LOVED me like I loved him. I never knew what it felt like until he came along. Never had it. Ever. I went through EVERY possible consequence of our union with him. I told my husband I was in trouble...I had feelings for this man...that nothing I had previously loved had any meaning anymore.... I talked to my children, I even expressly pleaded with him to talk to his wife tell her what he needed and I begged him not to lie to his children. He did all of that and more. He was playing us off each other and I didn't know. He was lying the whole time. I didn't know. He threatened suicide, made up illness, cried, begged, accused me of lying about my feelings and being callous if I didn't respond.....I fell for all of it. My husband watched me fade away. He said to me it was like you were in a cult...I could see what he was doing and I couldn't make you see...I have been with him for 17 yrs and I believe this N over him. No doubts at all. I trusted him implicitly. My mistake. Do I regret the hurt and pain I've caused my family? Yes I do. It is my responsibility to make amends. Do I regret the pain his children and wife must have felt because in a way I aided and abetted his cruelty and deceit? Yes I do. Does he regret the pain he has caused to all of the above? No he does not. Do I blame him? No. I have taken the entire fallout on my shoulders. I am paying for it everyday. I think it is important to be discerning of other's actions yes, but to judge the person is writing them off for maybe the one real mistake of their lives. I would hope and have has such support from my friends and complete strangers on this forum too. The one thing I could never do is wear a mask. The people I talk to and associate with know my story. I want them to know so they can choose to be my friend or not. I would never be able to present a false self...I would feel like a fraud. So it is me...like you say..take it or leave it but I always think: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

#12 Jan 12 - 6PM (Reply to #25)

bgirl

PS: and it is members on here

PS: and it is members on here who are brave enough to put their views out there that actually bring our fears and shame to the surface so they can be acknowledged...thus bringing about greater awareness and hopefully healing. I'malwaysfine you hit a nerve with me and yes I am very low and possibly hypersensitive but I can recognize a good woman when I hear one...thank you for assisting me in my self realization process. XxX Girl

#13 Jan 12 - 8AM

onwithmylife

my exnarc

called me all those names when he did not want to look at himself, i would never say that about other women as it takes two to tango,.

#14 Jan 12 - 8AM

MandyM

I had replied to this

I had replied to this explaining why I do it, but I suppose, really, even if it's justified in my mind, it's not a very nice thing to do.

#15 Jan 12 - 3AM

Im_always_fine

Why do I call the NARCS women

I don't care if other women call me a slut(or whatever) because anyone who knows me knows it doesn't stick...cause it don't apply...in MY definition of the word. If a woman wants to sleep with half the world. It's her body! It doesn't matter to me. But if she has to cheat to do it...that's a game changer. Why do I call the NARCS women skanks? Because they KNEW he was living with me and some of them have their own husbands. Is there another word for it? Am I better than them? No. Do I have different values? Yes. Can we be friends? No. I'm not even friends with my own friends if they start cheating. On their own husbands or with someone elses. I tell them that I can't support them in their choices and not to contact me as long as they are in those choices. Cheating on your husband is also cheating on your children's father. If you are sleeping a married man and a father...you are violating the whole family as well as the wife. What you do to those children if their parents break up over you is on YOUR head. It's unnatural to harm children....and participating in the break up of a family is harming the children. It's a value choice. I choose not to "get with" men who are involved. I just can't hurt other women that way. And I'm pretty frig'n rude to any attached man who would think I'm so WEAK or he's SOOO sexy that I can't resist him. I consider it a strength that I can shoot down the advances of extremely attractive(outrageously wealthy) but MARRIED men...and my personal pleasure. I don't just go around calling other women names but if she's gonna come sniffing around my man(knowing he's with me) don't expect understanding, sympathy or respect...or even mercy. Do expect some nasty words. My mom raised me that way.

#16 Jan 12 - 8AM (Reply to #20)

Redhead

I'm Always fine....

Amen....I have no use for my narc's OW. No, I'm not shifting the blame from him to her. That being said, she knew he was married...AND she pretended to be my friend. She had no respect for me or my marriage. My ex-narc's OW is a dirty skank.

#17 Jan 12 - 4AM (Reply to #17)

bgirl

Well I am weak, pathetic

Well I am weak, pathetic person. But wait...I already knew that. Case closed.

#18 Jan 12 - 5AM (Reply to #18)

bgirl

And a dirty skank.... Wow...I

And a dirty skank.... Wow...I feel like I've been hung and quartered... And I will say NO ONE knows how someone feels or how something like this affects a person. This is by far the most confronting, horrendous, painful, sickening experience of my life. When I tlk to my counsellor I always tell them that I feel such sel hatred and am deeply concerned by what transpired, even though I tried my best to a) walk away and b) tell the truth and c) handle things as best I could... But Ultimately I Will Never Allow Myself To Be Involved With Anyone Again... I would never want to be let down or let anyone down again.... So yep that's what the repercussions feel like.

#19 Jan 13 - 12AM (Reply to #19)

Im_always_fine

Wow...where did that come

bgirl, Don't take my comments personally. They were meant on a wider scale of the issue of name calling women(or men) who we might judge because of their mistakes. A mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it...it's a really hard lesson. EVERYONE who's here on this site and has been hurt by a NARC with the added complication of cheating deserves HEALING and WHOLENESS too. No one can beat them up as badly as they beat up themselves. I think it's a brilliant process for both sides...wives AND mistresses of NARCS to come together and bond and support each other. It fosters empathy and compassion....the substance of miracles. In my personal life my approach to people who are being unfaithful is simply to distance myself because it's DISHONEST and hurtful to all involved (especially children who pay the highest price) I'm not indifferent to it and I won't participate by accepting it even when my own friends do. It doesn't mean I don't love them, it just means I want better for them...and from them. When a woman KNOWINGLY(key word)cheats with MY man it's personal and I get to to have an opinion about it. MY NARC/pimp tends to cheat with a "TYPE" and nasty or skanky is an adjective that applies (they usually are in serious need of soap and dental work) Ultimately I made the choice very early on in my life NEVER to lay with another woman's man (praise God for my mother who had those discussions with me) The same as I have made a life choice to NEVER ever try or do drugs. I know AHEAD of time that should the opportunity present itself it's NEVER an option for ME...no way. No one should take my comments personally...unless they cheated with my man...

#20 Jan 12 - 4AM (Reply to #12)

mandathepanda

Nasty words don't offend me

Nasty words don't offend me I'm always fine, and everyone is free to express themselves however they choose..personally for me, I have lived in a glasshouse and therefore don't tend to throw stones. It wasnt the other woman that hurt me, it was the N we were BOTH involved with. That is certainly not to absolve myself of responsibility, and I recognise that in order to be with him I had to let my standards and values slip but I am NOT a skank or a slut...just a vunerable woman that had lost her home and her children and therefore was a prime target for the ex n. Nothing is black and white unfortunately...

#21 Jan 12 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

Im_always_fine

Maya Angelou says when we

Maya Angelou says when we know better we do better. I was very blessed to be raised by a woman who made sure I knew better. I've had friends who've "fallen" and I've asked them to leave my life. It seems to me that if their own husbands can't trust them than neither can I. As a kid I knew people who were shot and killed over adultery. Jealousy makes people CRAZY. I called one of the NARC/pimps "toys". She is married with 4 kids. She's silly and self centered. In her correspondence with him she referred fondly to herself as his,"dirty little secret" She thought it was all fun and games but her husband is a very "bad" guy(like KILL her and the NARC/pimp BAD) She (and the NARC) put us all in danger.. I got to her before the "dirty little secret" got to her husband....for her kids. They'd be motherless. And for my kids...I didn't want that man coming through MY front door! It's a lot of trouble...infidelity. Is she a "slut"? Maybe not. She's wreckless and selfish for sure.

#22 Jan 12 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

Hunter

I'm always fine

Please stop.. I'm sorry if I re call you still live with your Manipulator?? You are insulting me and others who were sucked into a vortex of manipulative psychopath.. What your saying sounds good on paper but the fact of the matter is these Narc are deep down ruthless.. The prey on a victim .. I'm glad your mother raised a woman with morals.. I would also think she raised a woman who would get out of an abusive relationship sooner than later.. We all make mistakes my self included.. We are all here for one purpose to heal from a narc attack.. How we got here is no longer important.. How we move forward to freedom is.. Hunter

#23 Jan 12 - 4AM (Reply to #13)

bgirl

I agree. Nothing is black and

I agree. Nothing is black and white....and I'm always Fine your opinion is certainly respected by me. However....the line about participating in a quest that involves hurting the children......there were children hurt, BUT whether or not there was any kind of relationship at all, the confronting realization that my world was rocked to the core by this man....already affected MY marriage and therefore our kids. I was completely honest with both my children and my husband. Do I feel bad about the sadness I am sure his children have experienced? Yes. But it was because he LIED about EVERYTHING AND NEVER INTENDED TO TELL A SOUL OR HONOUR HIS WORDS. So hindsight has made me feel guilty every day since and probably every day for the rest of my life, BUT you can bet your life he's not worried about my children at all! Also there is always a lot more to a person's situation than meets the eye. If a woman would INTENTIONALLY seek out a man and destroy his marriage then wouldn't she be a narcissit/psychopath herself? Also from a different perspective I was a child of a narcissist who had multiple affairs on my mother. He was abusive, degrading and sadistic. I never did and still don't blame any of his OW. I think he's responsible and my mother to a degree for enabling the abuse to continue for our entire childhood life! I can only guess what lies he told all of his victims and the other families he destroyed!!! Also if my husband told me had feelings for and wanted to act on them with another woman (shoe was on the other foot) I would have been hurt (it was painful and scary telling him, let me tell you) but I would have appreciated his honesty and I also realize he is not 'mine' he is his own person and I would want him to be happy. As for our children they are our world. We would never put our own agenda's (if we had one) above the welfare of our children.

#24 Jan 13 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

Im_always_fine

There definitely is more than

There definitely is more than meets the eye. I didn't know narcissists even existed. I've never been personally involved with someone who is such a lying sneaking serial adulterer. It's not an aspect of life I ever thought I'd be dealing with on such an unbelievable scale. As I've always shut such behavior out of my life (as per my mothers deeply ingrained training) These guys slither up on you like a snake. But back to name calling...I don't use the word "slut" And I think the word "skank" more defines the TYPE of woman my NARC cheats with...dirty. One thing I know for sure is that if a man calls me slut it's because he can't think of anything else. Or he's losing the argument and has nothing...it's their silver bullet when they can't win. As soon as they call me a slut I know I've confounded him.

#25 Jan 11 - 10PM

walking_on_sunshine

Slut..the extent of my x's

Slut..the extent of my x's vocab, that classy pig. I will never let anyone use the word slut around me again. Its a double standard term that misogynist pigs use and its not acceptible to me to degrade any woman period no matter who she is or what she does. Any man who calls a woman a slut will be not only red flagged but I will walk right out on the date, no explanation.

#26 Jan 12 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

bgirl

Walking on sunshine I'm with

Walking on sunshine I'm with u there....

#27 Jan 11 - 9PM

Hunter

Good point.. But is it ok to

Good point.. But is it ok to call my narc a Fucking Selfish Asshole, bald little head case? Just saying:) You're right.. Take the high road .. Hunter

#28 Jan 11 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

walking_on_sunshine

Yes but that one is true.

#29 Jan 11 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Movingforwardnow

Good point

I agree that is a good point and I am guilty of using that term..Sorry about that because....You are correct! And Hunter you always make me smile! Fucking Selfish Asshole, bald little head case. I laughed at that.

#30 Jan 11 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

bgirl

No one should apologize...I

No one should apologize...I just wanted to put that out there. Does it give us a sense of superiority over others? I just feel that we dehumanise others and when that happens I think the treatment of others becomes more degrading and for me I would feel horrible listening to that so I try not to say it.... Just a thought...

#31 Jan 11 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

bgirl

:)

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