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Hoovering through my children

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#1 Dec 13 - 11PM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Hoovering through my children

I am healing

It has been very slow for me. I do not let go easily.

I am now nc for over 4 months but had messed around for over a year. He left after 14 years marriage 20 months ago.

He is now hoovering through my children. They come back saying dad still loves me and would come back if I'd let him. My children are getting angry with me that I won't talk to him to try and sort things out. They are too young to understand that he is with ow and that is unacceptable.

I did say that he had a new partner now and my son said that I should have him back and let him stay friends with ow.

Such innocence.

My nc protects me. I don't want to be crazy again. But I don't want my children to hate me. It feels unfair.

Any advice would be great

I won't break nc though...no matter what

Dec 14 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

This guy is such a piece of

This guy is such a piece of work.. UGH!! I echo Sparrow.. He will eventually stop using the kids if you don't bite!! Always document..you really are pissing this guy off .. :) Hunter
Dec 14 - 8AM
Joy2me
Joy2me's picture

My ex did the samething, used the kids.

We were separated for two years, during those two years all he told me and my daughter and grandson was that he was going to work at getting the family back together. He told them he would not stop till the day he died. We divorced and he continued his campaign to get us all back together. Then two months after the kids and I left he moved in an entirely new family into the house we had all shared. I took that as he "died" change my status on Facebook to widow! LOL This was however very confusing for the kids, my daughter was 17 at the time and it was confusing to her because I am sure she wanted her family back together again but she was old enough to know there was something very wrong with him. So she struggled with dissonance due to his games. She decided on her own to cut him out of her life. My grandson was only 4 so only understood a little. I do have to say though, once none of us had contact with him, life started to settle down for us. We have been NC now for 14 wonderful months! All they manage to do by using the kids is pushing the kids further away. Your children will see it, just don't bad mouth him in front of the kids. They need to see that you are not doing the NC as revenge or to be hateful, they need to see it is for everyone's safety to be NC. Joy2me
Dec 14 - 8AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It is a shame when one has to

It is a shame when one has to resort to using their children as tools to get what they want. Just explain to your children that it is unfair for their Father to discuss such "adult" matters as this with them and that you won't because you are the adult and know what's best for them. The only thing children should be concerned with is what Santa is bringing them, when the ice cream truck is coming, and all the fun and innocent things that come with being a child. Childhood lasts but only a very short time in ones lifetime. Allow them the simple innocence that they deserve.
Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

sparrow

Do you think that you should tell them nothing? I am inclind to think that they will make up thier own stories (its my fault dad left) if you give them nothing. If you give them basics as with sex ed then they ask questions as they are ready. In my case the N packed and my son asked him what he was doing with the suitcase, he said just moving some stuff around. When i got home from work 5 hours later they seemed normal and so I asked if they knew and of course he didnt tell them...so I had to let them know he moved out. For two days my son cried and said he lied to me, I didnt even get to say goodbye. Thats where I felt its important to tell him he thinks and works diffrent than most people and it was nothing you did or could have done. It seems if they know something is diffrent it helps. I tell them to love him for every part of him they love and to know if he acts not in the most loving way that its not thier fulat just that he works diffrently than most. I know there is that fine line between emotional incest and not but it seems like they need to know something. Thoughts?
Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

My children are 12 and 11. I

My children are 12 and 11. I tell them that daddy isn't thinking clearly and we can't do anything to make him better or different We all have breakfast together and we end with a little prayer. I have started praying for healing and recovery for him. Not because I care about him but because I want to let go of my resentment and bitterness and someone suggested praying for him would help that. I do tell them that it's complicated and that I have been really hurt and don't want any more hurt or conflict and nc protects us all from that. I also let them know he will always be their daddy and it is ok to always love him and wish things were different. On a bad day I just scream obscenities and hate his guts. Other days I weep. Progress not perfection hey?
Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

A therapist for the children,

A therapist for the children, even just a few, would be in their best interest. After all, it is abandonment issues that have created the narc you are dealing with right now. Parents back than did not have the resources we do today, and as a result, did not know how to properly guide their children and avoid them from becoming what they have become. (and in some cases, the parents did not care) It is becoming a viscious cycle unfortunately and the world is becoming abundant with this personality disorder. I would take the steps to avoid this in my children by seeking a professional opinion. Children are also "abandoned" through being spoiled. Which many parents do when divorced. Especially the parent the children don't live with. They spoil the children because they fear the children won't "like" them. It's crazy but true. We try to overcompensate out of guilt. Children can listen and tell you they understand, but really, do they? At such a young age, and inexperience with such things, how could they really? They say they understand mainly to agree with and appease the parent the are speaking with. That's my opinion though, I am not a certified professional by any means. My experience is just in the raising of the three children that I raised.......
Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

We go to therapybtogether and

We go to therapybtogether and my daughter has her one therapist. My son doesn't want to yet. His father is totally against it Znd he still desperately craves his approval but it's there if and when he is ready to engage We are a family of therapy ...whatever it takes I'll do
Dec 14 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

good for you!

Glad to hear it
Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Sparrow
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That is so good to hear

That is so good to hear Jelickuk!
Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Jelickuk

Let me tell you something!!! You Rock! Hunter
Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

That means a lot Hunter.

That means a lot Hunter.
Dec 14 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Nomoredenial, that is a very

Nomoredenial, that is a very good question and a very good point you make following. It's honestly hard to say really, because everyone parents differently. If you had asked me this question a few years ago, before I was aware of this world of narcissism, my answer would have been completly different than it is today. My answer today, for anyone raising children that have experienced life with a narc and sudden abandonment by the narc, I would be sure to enter them into council with a professional therapist. For children to have to live with physical and emotional abandonment, is a terribly delicate matter that I for one, honestly wouldn't want to steer you or anyone else in the wrong direction. It is to important of a matter. Are your children in therapy?
Dec 14 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

yes they are

I knew all along something was wrong that he should pay more attention but of course it always came back to me expecting to much. I think of all the crap we went through what bothers me the most is that they never got a dad out of the deal. The other day when my sons had to stay the night at his place because I had to work out of town i adsded if everything went ok and he said well I didnt sleep very well because its so cold (he doesnt want to pay the heat bill) and so I moved in front of the heater for when it did come on but he pulled me back away from it. I said Im sorry you had to be cold, I wish it wasnt like that (trying to make other arrangments for next time) Then I said I wish it wasnt like that. My son then said you know its wierd he doesnt really feel like a dad but its not because he doesnt live with us...he never felt like a dad. All I could say was Im sorry, It must be really hard to feel like you havent had one. I then told him he had the power to choose to be a diffrent kind of dad when he grows up and he said Yeah like Sams dad...thats what I will be like. (he is thier friends dad, they do all kinds of stuff with our kids, baseball games, canoeing ect) its awesone that he can see the diffrence. Sorry didnt mean to hyjack the thread.
Dec 14 - 12AM
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

How hold are your kids? I am

How hold are your kids? I am going through the same thing with him wanting to come back (only because hes broke and she didnt work out) my kids dont want us back together. Mine are 11 and 8, I have been very honest with them from the beginning I explained it that his brain doesnt quite work the same way, he thinks different and it makes it hard to be with him. They have noticed this on thier own so it wasnt new news. They also know he got a girlfriend soon after moving out and I just explain that I have to love myself enough to not accept being treated wrong. I always try to explain it very simply and answer thier questions. He ignored them their whole life and was rude to them and thier friends so there is a part of them that is glad he is gone which is REALLY sad.