i know he is a narcissist

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#1 Dec 8 - 10AM

survivalist

i know he is a narcissist

I've gotten involved with him, I see very very very clearly that he is exactly everything that everyone on this forum is describing. I know exactly what is in store for me if I get serious with him. But I still want him. What is wrong with me.

#2 Dec 10 - 4PM

Journey

Interesting, after just

Interesting, after just reading your thread about imbalance of power in relationships, it would almost seem like there is something at play here to do with that. Could it be that you are too willing to risk the hell of Narcville in order to prove you can have the power in this relationship? I could be way off base here and I apologize if this may seem offensive, none is intended. I agree in your other thread about just wanting to find a relationship where power is evenly distributed, reciprocal and healthy. Perhaps the power challenge narc presents you with is what draws you to him, vs actually wanting to be with him. No good comes from loving a narc intimately. I would highly advise you don't let yourself get any more emotionally attached to him. You have the insight to see he's a narc... no 'winning' is possible with a narc unless you are willing to turn off your feelings and become a bigger narc (if that is even possible), which I don't think is who you are or who you want to become. Ego can lead us to do things we'd be better off not doing for the sake of fooling ourselves into thinking we're in control or have the power to 'win' the game and it sounds to me like it is your ego that doesn't want to stop 'wanting' him, not your heart. If you can see clearly what will be in store for you if you become more seriously involved, why would you ever choose that path? It leads nowhere you will be happy ending up at. Journey on...

Journey on...

#3 Dec 10 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

survivalist

That's a huge possibility.

That's a huge possibility. He recently suggested I get a boob job and offered to pay for it. I thought it was laughable that he thought he could affect my self esteem by such a suggestion. I did however envision myself pretending to meekly and obediently go along with the suggestion just for the sake of getting him to shell out 8-10k, THEN going no contact...lol. I really really really do want to win and screw him over. He hasn't even done anything terrible yet, but he's antics are so transparent and I know exactly what his motives are. Like I've mentioned in other posts, it's still very early in the relationship, and I've kept him at a safe distance. He doesn't know where I live or work, hasn't met my friends, I've never spent any time with him behind closed doors, and I certainly haven't opened up to him spiritually or emotionally. It definitely is no-contact time for me, and ending it on MY TERMS can satisfy both the necessity to protect myself and my need to feel like I've won. But ps, he is sexy and no contact certainly won't be easy. But easier now than later...

#4 Dec 10 - 9PM (Reply to #34)

Journey

Survivalist, I am a MOD here

Survivalist, I am a MOD here and I feel it is my responsibility to point out to you that this site is about recovering from a relationship with a narc - not about provoking them, getting revenge or using them for OUR agenda. That just lowers us to their disordered level and it isn't helpful. I would bet that all the other members here wish they HAD known who and what they were dealing with before allowing themselves to become involved. I know I sure do. You have been given a gift of awareness which you are jokingly talking about ignoring for a boob job so you can discard HIM after. If you think for a moment he would offer to pay for it because he actually thinks his help could raise YOUR self esteem you know far less than you realize. If he is a narc, he is lying, plain and simple. Paying for your boob job is just something else for HIM to enjoy and will give him MORE power regardless if you try to walk away afterwards or not - As if you would be able to get away cleanly after such a debt as that - he will make your life a living nightmare or worse. It sounds like you don't know him well at all. He could be very dangerous and less predictable than your garden variety narc in what HE is capable of. Nothing is worth the risk you take by playing with fire you CAN NOT control and I think entertaining these ideas is unhealthy. Now, I know you are new here, so I don't know you well enough to assume you are at all serious, but what you are saying does concern me. Most of us are trying to forget our narcs and heal... not encourage 'playing' with them as you are suggesting, but instead learning how to stay no contact and rebuilding our shattered hearts and lives. Think about it. Do you really want to go down that path? No sexy psychopath is worth losing your integrity, heart and soul (and possibly more), for.

Journey on...

#5 Dec 10 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

Layla

Pardon my forwardness.....

......but this is NOT a game to us here. It's not to me. I don't think you fully understand ANY of this, or you would not be joking in this way and THINK you can power trip a narc. You think you can "win" with a narc and this is a game you can succeed at playing? You will NEVER WIN. NOT EVER. You've just been advised by a whole handful of EXPERTS as we have lived the HELL existance these non-humans throw at us to stayu away from this clown and stay no contact. And yet you are now asking in a separate thread how to tell if a man is married, and another post on power tripping in relationships. Incidently, I'VE "pretended" to be meek and submissive so I wouldn't get the shit kicked out of me by my N. NOT FUN. Humiliating, to say the least..... If you like to be verbally, sexually, emotionally and physically abused, if you like being lied to and manipulated and used constantly, and if you THINK you can win a war of hearts with a non-human that HAS NO HEART, have at it. You've been warned. Again, pardon my forwardness....you've walked into a group of really hurt and almost destroyed people that are a helluva lot stronger than YOU. Believe it. love~ Layla

#6 Dec 10 - 10PM (Reply to #31)

survivalist

I was joking. The only

I was joking. The only reason I told that story was to make the point that maybe you were right I was being motivated by power. I said I "envisioned" doing that, but made no indication, (and have no intention) of following through. In case you overlooked it, I finished the story with something along the lines of "it is definitely no-contact time for me"; meaning, I know what the right thing is to do. I think the misunderstanding lies in my use of the words "ending it on my terms"...by "my terms" I didn't mean getting a boob job and dumping him. I meant going no-contact NOW and quitting while I am ahead. In only 2 days I've learned a lot from this site and have received loads of amazing advice from so many people on this forum. I've already initiated no contact because of the support I've found here. (Deleted his number from my phone, deleted pictures, texts, emails, IMs, ignored 4 calls & 7 texts from him in the past 48 hours-all of this completely motivated by the advice & support I've received on this forum) Please don't judge me based on that one single post. And the "is he married" post was completely unrelated to him or me; I know for a fact N is not married. Not all my posts are necessarily about the N in my life. I've started to talk to a lot of friends about this topic and referred a lot of people to this site and have told them about Lisa's books. I apologize for unintentionally offending anyone. It's the last thing I would want to do considering how kind and compassionate everyone on this forum has been. If I were a moderator I probably would have privately messaged the member, discussed the importance of sensitivity in posts, and have the post deleted rather than call them out on it in front of everyone. (Especially if the member was brand new) I feel embarrassed now and probably won't post or visit anymore. Good luck to all and thank you for the kind and insightful advice.

#7 Dec 11 - 4PM (Reply to #32)

Hunter

Survivalist

Survivalist? What is your purpose here? It seems journey an Laya are onto something.. here and other posts made by you are intentions of seeking ways to manipulate a narcissist. I question you sincerity here .. Journey and layla gave advice.. Directing a moderator will not be tolerated.. Please refer to forum guidelines ...Let me pointout a section just incase you miss something.. Please don't post an entire post in ALL CAPS. It looks as if you're shouting, and it is hard to read. Occasional CAPS for emphasis are fine, however. People who abuse the forum guidelines and terms of use may be banned, as well as those who use the forum to email members with unsolicited and/or abusive messages. We understand that you are going through a situation that is very stressful. We need to vent and "Get It Out" which is why we created this site! However, please be mindful not to abuse others on the forum in the process. We have a zero tolerance policy for anyone insulting another member in our forum. If you insult or degrade another member on this site, you will be warned and if you fail to adjust your behavior, you will be blocked. It is the only way we can ensure our forum remains a safe and supportive place. Emotions are running high here, but the last thing we want anyone to do is take their anger out on other members. We have suffered enough abuse at the hands of our narc. Therefore, please note we do reserve the right to block any members we feel are creating a hostile environment here as this is not conducive to recovery or healing. Hunter

#8 Dec 11 - 6PM (Reply to #33)

Goldie

Survivalist

If you have an issue with a moderator please PM me via private message. The moderators are all extensively trained, they undergo hours of intensive training on all area's of recovery, mediation, and intervention. We are confident that they are professional. Additionally, we work together as a team and have daily team meetings. There is little on here which eludes us. Many have been working with survivors of trauma and abuse for years. Confronting a moderator's decision on the open forum goes against our guideline's. We have many on here who are in the early stages of recovery and get easily triggerd by conflict in their "safe place" and any drama creating behaviors are not acceptable. Thank you for your understanding. God bless, Goldie

#9 Dec 9 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

The bottom line

here is that you are attracted to a mentally disordered individual. That doesn't sound all that romantic does it? He has NO real emotions, It's all a game for him. Don't waste your time romanticizing something that in the end is flat out creepy.

#10 Dec 9 - 11AM

empath

survivalist

You are blessed with awareness going in,which is something that I would guess not many of us here had. Most here did not find out what NPD was until we were already entrenched. Considering that you have joined and posted this on the forum...I am interpreting your post as a cry for help. You are going to do whatever you are going to do...part of my recovery and healing from being with an abusive narcissist, was to accept that I have absolutely no control over what another person does, and I am only able to control what I do. For that reason, I also accept full responsibility for my own choices and actions, and extend that same freedom to all others. So, at the end of the day, no matter what anyone here might say to you, no matter what hard won rueful wisdom and experience might be shared with you, and no matter how many thousands of times you read that no good will come of any interactions with an N, you are going to do, what you choose to do...and not what anyone else "tells" you to do. If you are truly seeking advice and guidance to enable you to make a more informed decision, simply keep reading on this forum and elsewhere about the disorder. If you still choose to remain or become involved with someone you know is an N, it may be that you have bigger problems than he does. The advice I offer...and whether you heed it or not is up to you, as it will not be me that feels your pain if you make the unwise decision of getting involved with the N...is that you should make good use of this moment of clarity and oause that you have, to do some soul searching now. Be willing to explore that you may have family of origin issues or unresolved pain from past relationships that makes the N seem irresistible to you. The neurochemistry of our brains is very sensitive and much has been posted here on this forum about what abuse and addictive behavior does to our brains over time, and how...as addicts...we crve another "hit", even of what we know is not only toxic yet perhaps also lethal to us. I would also suggest that you examine your motives, and determine is you are a "malignant optimist", in that you think somehow an N might be "different" with you...with this being a very seductive trap to fall into, in thinking that you are going to be "special" and prove all of the clinical evidence about NPD wrong. Congratulate yourself on having your moment of awareness now, and for recognizing thst something is "wrong" about how you feel...be thankful that you are getting this wake up call now rather than later...most targets do not have that moment until substantial damage has been done. I truly hope you will heed the warning that your inner voice is sending you, as if you don't, the devastation that awaits you will be multiplied by the shame factor of having known what you were getting into with eyes wide open, and having no one to blame for your own demise and destruction except yourself. You are not a "victim" when you make yourself a "volunteer", and you won't even be able to say you were a "target" with a clear conscience, as you will know that you painted the bullseye on yourself. Again, you are responsible for what happens to you, and it seems the choice here is pretty clear...either you care about yourself to choose you and take the time to discover why you would even consider making any other choice exceot to choose you...or you avoid having to be introspective and dealing with any issues you may have, and choose the drama of being with th N who will use abuse and discard you. If you choose to avoid, realize that all you are doing is delaying...ultimately, when the N devalues and discards you, you will be faced with the choice again, although at that point you will be less well able to handle dealing with your own issues. Hoping you will make the decision to choose you.

#11 Dec 9 - 6PM (Reply to #24)

survivalist

Sobbing

Your post brought me to tears. This is a true character building moment. I've realized from your post that the question here isn't do I give into the N or not. The real question is why would I even consider making "any choice other than MYSELF". When you said that it's impossible to control others, we can only control ourselves, I thought to myself, yes, obviously, I know that. I've always known that, how come it's not helping me here? So I thought through this very simple concept slowly. I literally said out loud "Yes, I can control myself, I can walk away from him. What is the problem then? What am I not in control of?" Then it hit me. I can certainly control my actions, but I'm not controlling what I WANT. And if I want something that I know is destructive, then THAT is the real problem here. At that moment, the N became shockingly irrelevant. It's about me. Why am I drawn to something that I KNOW will hurt me? Have I exhibited addictive behaviors to other destructive things in the past? Why am I not valuing myself and my life enough to turn away from these things? I hit a foggy dead end when I ask myself these questions, but I know the answers are there. I want to clear through the fog, and dig away at the dead end to find these answers. Answers about ME, not THE N. Thank you so much for helping me shift my focus to myself. All of you ladies are truly brilliant. I really hope this discussion is as helpful to others as it is to me. No matter what stage of an N relationship someone is in, I think there is so much to learn here. Thank you again.

#12 Dec 10 - 2AM (Reply to #25)

empath

survivalist

Please...choose you. :-) Please know that being with an N. will only cause you damage. Please, don't throw yourself away on him. They all seem wonderful when you are under their spell...take some time, distance, perspective...and you will start to notice that he's not charming and sexy...he's a creepy predator with nothing to offer you except pain. The pain is not with buying into the illusion he presents to you. Please...choose you. Want better things for yourself than someone you already know is broken and disordered, before you wind up broken and disordered too.

#13 Dec 11 - 10AM (Reply to #26)

empath

survivalist

After reading your boob job comment, after all of the thoughtful advice you've been give here, it does seem your priorities are out of whack. That you would even continue speaking to someone who insulted your body, and that you would consider getting a boob job based upon his insult, reveals that you do have self esteem issues, which the N has already honed in on. When I read your posts and see how much resistance you have to doing the right thing for yourself, I can't even bring myself to feel sad for you... you are making yourself a sitting duck for the N. You're not a victim when you're a volunteer. And you're not a "survivalist" when you think and act in a manner that facilitates your own destruction. This forum is for support in ridding oneself of toxic partners, you'll not find anyone here who is going to enable you in your pursuit of one. Reading your posts is mindboggling, and your boob job comment just was over the top. You say you feel bad now, yet you would even jokingly entertain permanently mutilating your body with a boob job at the Ns request...you might as well just get a bullseye tattooed on you as well. I hope the light bulb goes off in your head before you get trapped in the dark.

#14 Dec 9 - 10AM

IncognitoBurrito

Surreal

It could be because you have already bonded with the N, and feel a connection now? Maybe there is already some level of attachment. Unfortunately, they don't exactly disclose what they are upfront. There is no warning label, like the one on cigarettes. I wish I could remember where that article is, about why bonding with an N is so much more intense than between two "normal" people. The mechanics and dynamics of the entire relationship between an N and another person are entirely warped, from the start. It's like a drug, for both parties. Except, one of you winds up constantly in withdrawal.

#15 Dec 9 - 4AM

bgirl

Read my post...he actually

Read my post...he actually got off on the power trip of destroying my marriage (which was obviously unconsciously in trouble anyway to some degree)as well as agreeing with all of my concerns with feigned sincerity and then still going along playing a game with me..he was a cat with a tiny mouse...the slightest sign of life he would whack me again! I have been suicidal...left my job, home, relocated 500 km away and almost ruined my children's future....scary, scary stuff and yep it is 9 months since I've seen him and I still have such strong feelings for himat times...at least there are a few times where it is revulsion now though....

#16 Dec 8 - 2PM

bakingfortherapy

SURVIVALIST...

BE WHAT YOU SAY...A SURVIVOR!!! RUN, RUN, RUN.. LIKE THE WIND!!!! I know its intoxicating but SOOOO not worth it. Get out NOW before you waste any more time with a man like this. They are despicable creatures who care about NO ONE else but themselves!!! Their MO is "whats in it for me" Thats it! YOU deserve so much better! Get out before you put years of your life into this relationship! Good luck to you no matter what you choose!!!

#17 Dec 8 - 12PM

dabussard

Run Don't Walk

"He's still trying hard to groom me for submission, and I'm still resistant, but like someone posted above, he's like a drug. You are exactly right with this statement... Once you comply and give him your heart... He will break it to peices... Yes, he is your drug... I have been there and fought hard and am still fighting hard with NC... He will take you down and you will feel like you are dieing inside... I fell in love and once I was in love and wanted to be with him all of the time... He pulled the rug and started the games... Run now before you are in too deep... I almost lost everything, my job, my marriage, my farm and most of all me, I almost lost me.... Run, don't walk and please girl don't look back!

#18 Dec 8 - 12PM

ReclaimingPower

The fact that you recognize

The fact that you recognize this and are stopping to ask (and have found this site to see what the consequences of future actions would be) is such a gift. Now is your opportunity to pull back and look deeper -- what you are feeling is familiarity -- something deep from your past. That neglect or abuse perhaps from childhood that you think you can resolve by winning over his love. But it can't come from him. It won't come from him. It can't come from him. Take this time now to seek out support to look at what drew you to him or him to you; are there boundaries you need to tighten; do you need to dig deeper into your past and recover your inner child or resolve issues? Whatever you do, remember who you are NOW -- respect yourself by recognizing those red flags and FLUSH HIM. Because you will lose who you are slowly like an IV drip with every moment from this point on that you spend or indulge the N. What a gift of awareness....but what matters most now is....what will you do with it? Much love and strength...

#19 Dec 8 - 12PM (Reply to #18)

survivalist

You are so kind, and have an

You are so kind, and have an amazing way with words. The idea of losing my self, like the flow of an IV drip, is so frightening. I want to be strong and envision more for myself and my future.

#20 Dec 8 - 12PM

survivalist

Besides his blatantly

Besides his blatantly narcissistic behavior, he has actually said the words "I am not a good person", "I am a horrible man", and "It would be best for you to stay away from me".

#21 Dec 8 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

spinning

Survivalist, if he has said these words...

...you must listen. He is telling you the truth. Don't choose to ignore it. Believe him. There is no reason for him to say these things in an attempt to make you want to be with him. Listen to your gut...don't diminish the voice inside you that brought you here. Save yourself pain and heartache and drama. Shift the focus off of this darkness and onto the light of the kind of good, fun, nurturing relationship you want to attract. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF

spinning

#22 Dec 8 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

sciencegirl

absolutely run for the hills!

Maya Angelou said once " when a person tells you who they are, listen to them", He told you who he is. You still have time to get out with yourself intact. Love yourself enough to do that. Lives have been ruined because of these disordered ones. It is so difficult to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives. I was so broken and when leaving my husband of 14 years I had everything to lose - and did/have. The emotional, mental and financial abuse continues as the divorce proceedings unfold. Our children are suffering by the choices of this man. I am starting over - literally in all aspects of my life, I am slowly putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Don't go there. Just don't go there. love, sciencegirl

#23 Dec 8 - 12PM

Sparrow

I think the first question to

I think the first question to you would be........are you still involved with him? If not, than the answer is pretty simple, you are wanting what you have lost, and will continue to want him for quite some time during the recovery stages. As Anari said, he is a drug to you, but after the initial withdrawal, it will become less unbearable. If you are with him still, and plan on continuing to be with him, knowing what you know......I really don't have an answer for that. Well, I do, but my manners won't allow me to write it.....I'm just trying to add a little humor there. Have you posted your story? I don't believe I have read it yet. I will search for it. :)

#24 Dec 8 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

survivalist

I haven't posted my story.

I haven't posted my story. I'm new the forum, joined last night. I've only known him for 6 months now, and I used the word "involved" because that's all it has been. He hasn't had a true chance to hurt me because I've been keeping him at a distance all this time...but I'm getting weak and I really want to give into him. Like all the narcs I've been reading about, he claimed soul-mate love two months into our relationship, said he's never felt this way about anyone before, wants to marry me...blah blah blah. I haven't ever once responded that I love him, because I actually don't. His character is deplorable, and I don't think I could genuinely love him if I tried. This is going to sound so juvenile...but his appeal is SO typical: he's mind blowingly hot, sexy, charming, fun, exciting, and intelligent. I did abandon him 3 months into our involvement with one another when he flipped out on me for "disappearing" for a weekend. It was all "Where the f*&# where you?!"..."You're lying!"...etc etc. That's when I was like, okay, this guy is crazy. When I left him and started dating a "nice guy", I got incredibly bored and longed for him again,so when he reached out to me a couple months ago, I was bored out of my mind and caved in. He's still trying hard to groom me for submission, and I'm still resistant, but like someone posted above, he's like a drug.

#25 Dec 8 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

Hope

Take your time to get to know someone...

Every smart women will take her time and get to know someone for at least two years before deciding whether they want to marry. The Narc is wanting to marry asap, before his mask slips off and you see the "real" him...it's all a FANTASY, remember that, it's not real, and you will suffer emotionally, and financially, if you have children they will suffer as well. You should go no contact with him right away, listen to what your heart is telling you. Please...

#26 Dec 8 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

Lisa87

Survivalist, what stood out

Survivalist, what stood out to me is: "When I left him and started dating a "nice guy", I got incredibly bored and longed for him again,so when he reached out to me a couple months ago, I was bored out of my mind and caved in" I also caved in after dating a few men and none gave me that high the exN gave me so I went back again and again, if you want to sell your soul to the devil, thats what you will be doing. Once he "owns" you..you will never be able to get out and the D&D's get worse and worse each time you take them back. Take your time and wait for the nice guy, don't settle for a disordered person who will take you to hell and back. The high is not worth the low - it's inevitable. Listen to yourself and the red flags are already there.

#27 Dec 8 - 12PM (Reply to #10)

Blessed

Deplorable character...

"His character is deplorable, and I don't think I could genuinely love him if I tried." Please walk away while your heart is not involved. Spend some time reading the stories here and you will begin to understand the deep heartfelt pain that will come your way once your heart is involved. Beyond that, why would you choose to invest time in a relationship with a man of 'deplorable character'? Set the bar a bit higher, please. Surely you deserve more, much more.

#28 Dec 8 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

survivalist

You are 100% right. I don't

You are 100% right. I don't understand why I am acting stupid. The difficult questions I've been asking myself are what lead me here, and I'm already so grateful to have found this amazing site. What an incredible resource, and all the women on it are AMAZING. Every single one of them are incredible at describing their experiences with so much wisdom and clarity, despite the immense emotional and psychological trauma that's been endured. What blows me away the most is how consistent everyone's experiences with narcissists have been. Is there a freaking training camp that breeds these monsters? Every little nuance of how they think, talk, and act are EXACTLY THE SAME. It's so bizarre, I can't think of any other personality type or even psychiatric disorder that is so consistently the same across the board.

#29 Dec 8 - 11AM

Anari

Look, I know its tempting.

Look, I know its tempting. But you're going to get hurt. Burned. Slothered. Finished. Don't do it.

#30 Dec 8 - 11AM

nancyh

Would you drink poision

Would you drink poision knowing it would kill you? Probably not. Would you place your hand on a hot stove knowing you would get burned? Probably not. Would you pet a dog that has bit you in the past? Probably not. DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH THE NARC. AS SURE AS I AM TYPING THIS TODAY I PROMISE YOU THAT IF YOU STAY WITH HIM HE WILL: Poision you. Burn you. and You will get bit (and hard). Love yourself. Nan

Nan

#31 Dec 8 - 11AM

Hunter

Well if you like being abused

Well if you like being abused then stay with him.. I told a member here once .. He will take you as low as he can .. He will physically abuse you and you will be left completely alone.. Guess what she said what you are now saying.. She took this as a joke and today.. She has hit rock bottom as he literally" kicked" her to the curb.. Her friends and family refuse to speak to her ..and now so does he... She identified her abuser yet continued to be abused.. She wanted that fairy tail ending. Didnt happen did it .. It didn't end happily ever after.. If ended with physical bruises, no friends,and no money.. I ask who is to blame?? It's your choice .. "Stupid is as Stupid does" Hunter

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