A shift in rumination..

you are turning a very important corner. Keep going & don't look back! ALL I see in the memories, even the ones I thought were real compared to those when I looked at him & was like WTF is wrong with you, I see nothing but being used & lied to and I know they were all fake on his part. THAT'S A HUGE STEP IN HEALING!! At almost 19 months NC I am still processing the whole damn experience. But now I'm focusing on me & why I put up with what I did. Having to dig way down deep looking for answers. I'm getting there. I told a friend yesterday this has changed me. I will never be that person I was when this all started. But that's ok. I'm going to be better. And stronger and wiser. She told me I have always been one of the strongest women she has ever known. I was like ahh no I became very weak and I lost me. It's these AHA moments that help us to see clearly. Wanting soo much more for ouselves.

This seems really cathartic. Your tears are literally cleansing you. After the intense anger and the overwhelming loss/grief, which came and went several times, I felt what you are describing. It may even be where I am now. Situations where I was unjustly criticized, hurtful comments, belittling of my activities and accomplishments - I think I repressed them at the time and am now experiencing those feelings in full. It is exhausting, isn't it? I go to sleep worn out and it's all emotional.

You get this gig!! Just roll with it!! It's a process, it's a deep wound and it takes time to heal! Hunter

Yes. I did experience it. And I still do sometimes, but much less than before. And it definitely means you are moving on. I think the next step is to take the blame out of you and forgive yourself for not matching the person you wished you have been in this relationship. I think that the sadness and hurt inflicted by their abuse is something that we also did experience while we were with them. But we were in denial. And in order to get rid of this highly unpleasant feeling, we wanted THEM to prove us wrong. Every time they gave us a little hint that they loved us, did not abuse us, we felt immediately great, joyful and happy. That was the hook: they did inflict the pain and they did relieve it. It was not a real joy; it was just a pain relief. That is why people struggle so much with NC. They want their immediate pain relief they got used to have. But it does not come from anywhere. We realize that we need to find the resources within us. I think that this is the first shift. It is painful and scaring; we lost this ability always “relying” on them to rescue us from the pain. But again, it was the addiction and not your conscious choice to put up with his abuse. ADDICTION IS NOT A CHOICE. So, please, as much as you can try to not blame yourself, do not be so harsh to yourself. You broke the addiction, you staid NC for so long! Alone with five kids? Back to school? WOW, I mean really WOW. I have so much admiration for your strength! You have so much reason for admire and love yourself. Love Winter

Yes I can relate to that so very clearly, sadly. I think ive figured it out what exactly makes me so sad. Just this morning when reading this forum again it suddenly came clear to me of the things I've read here and of my latest experiences with my N that what our 'relationship' is really all about. What he uses me for is to project all his negative dark side on me and then 'attacking' it, but by doing that in reality attacking me, and by doing that he is able to keep his own relationship with his gf happy. So in a way I'm helping their relationship to flourish by absorbing all the evil out of it. But of course I fell for him in his idealisation stage. But he used me this way, made his own relationship better, ruining my relationship with my bf in the process, whilst he doesn't have any feelings for me whatsoever - all this realisation hurts so much, so much that I feel so sad, deep sadness that consumes all energy nothing left for hate or anger.. So sad that I let it happen to me.. I feel emotionally raped..