Rosey's story

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#1 Sep 18 - 4AM
RoseyRose
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Rosey's story

Hello am a 25 year old female basically homeless because am dependent on my NC. I would like to get a job and get back in school. Knowing I can't put the cart before the horse, I find myself seeking shelter. I am tired of being afraid and tired of being sick and tired.

I am ready to start my life- I can't do that without a safe place to stay a stable healthy situation to go into.

I have been chronically homeless since I was 18 released from system( group-homes foster homes " in and out of abusive relationships struggled with drinking because it would make me numb and I would black out and wouldn't have to deal with the world I live in

( When I "USE TO not anymore drink I would never become obnoxious but super chill calm not worried about anything but kept getting A-poisoning ), I have struggles with eat disorders to deal with my life filled with feeling out-of control and repeatedly getting stuck in abusive situations enough that I have been diagnosed with PTSD- FAMILY ( family who what ? )family is screwed up there not an option".

I have seen better times and some not so good times. I currently have been in and out of a unhealthy relationship with a self professed mentally ill, drug addict who is abusive mentally emotionally physically.

I have left and went back ( a cycle ). But am done with being treated "low" being demeaned and dehumanized. I have had shelter and at other times not. While I can't change my past I can change my future. I don't want to be 40 and still on and off the street in and out of bad relationships where am being dominated and controlled. I don't know if you can help me but if you can please contact me back and direct me to any resources you have. Thank you for your time and consideration.

P.S. One major setback is my lack of job skills. I haven't worked in almost 6 years. I have kinda been lost. I have struggled with drinking domestic abuse relationships and have just been jumping around alot I admit to it and haven't been as focused as I SHOULD BE am not perfect but I means something that I accept my mistakes errors and want to learn from them and make a better future for myself.

Am getting older and now have the realization I have virtually no job skills or references. I am in the same position that a out of work stay at home uneducated mom would have "nothing". At one time I even tried a job search place and they just "expected me to to go "get a job" like its as simple " there are people out of work who have college degrees and I don't even have community college" ( BUT HEED MY WORDS I WILL I WON'T GIVE UP AND I WILL BE A EDUCATED WOMEN ) when I don't have an a resume or any experience.

Thank you for taking the time. I am desperate for "real" help and real"hope" that I CAN have a future and a reason to live.

CAN ANYONE HELP IN ANY WAY ..POINT ME TO A CHURCH OR MAYBE CAN TALK TO SOMEONE AT THERE CHURCH ( AM WILLING TO RELOCATE IF THE SITUATION WILL BE HEALTHY AND STABLE )

STAYING IN MY LOCAL AREA ISN'T A OPTION

PLEASE IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO CAN HELP

Sep 19 - 6AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

More to Rosey's story

Just trying to keep Rosey's story together, so I added more of her story to this post: MOre of Rosey's story: A little bout me and why I found myself with a NC Posted September 18, 2011 - 5:02am 0Vote up!I am awake- eyes wide open- but feel drained and physically weak and tired. I need to go to sleep to rejuvenate my body. The body needs rest to replenish itself maintain it’s vitality. Maybe under normal circumstances I would be tucked away in bed snug warm feeling safe sleeping peacefully but not tonight, not here not now. I am living with a full blown drug addicted (self-proclaimed mentally ill NC- which I don’t think he thinks there is anything wrong with him- I beg the differ). I think he just says/acts the part to a) continue to qualify for high dosage prescription drugs that keep him drugged up and to b) justify the way he mistreats me sometimes) How did I get here? I hear a resounding: “You haven’t been in control of your life Rose” And I won’t dispute it. I haven’t been I have never had real focus goals or sensed a purpose in any type of way to decide which way to navigate my choices, my life. I think these feelings of being displaced started when I was younger; I was born into an environment where I was being abused dehumanized on a daily basis( my guardian was and still is a NC and was physically abusive to me when I was a baby and early childhood before I got taken away from her ). I never figured out my own identity or “purpose” unattached from “abuse” survival” ect; I never had time to be a child even a person. I was in survival mode and felt hated and despised was ( spit on literally- beat for no reason at all besides “they” felt like it )and not sure why I was alive. A question I still struggle with today. I didn’t have a healthy breeding ground to start out on. A chance to develop a healthy self-image and identity. I just have always been in survival mode and unthinking- trying to live my life from that place I started out in. I admit I need to “take control “ of my life and start being focused on what I want my life to be like and how to go about getting it. I have “ideas” that I need to turn into goals define set plans and work my butt off. Its sounds easier said than it is done. It won’t happen overnight. I have spent my “adulthood” pretty much messed up because I never dealt with my childhood “issues” that shaped who I am and how I have been functioning since then. When you go through trauma like I went through from my home to grouphomes ect you develop unhealthy patterns that can be hard to break. I need to break them but I have to face them first while at same time function and get away from my new “handler” Being in control of your life means you have goals you set and work to meet fulfill. You have some type of direction in your life. You know you are what you stand for have bouniares and some type of social ife and support network. I have faiel dhopeless at establishing my self my idnepance and order in my life. I haven’t been in sisuations ad around people who shall we say” had my best intreset at heart”. Its been a long journey and yes am 25 but I feel and have been through more than some 40 year olds. Am tired. So you can’t just look at my age and say “ well your still young”… No I am old very old and worn out but still going to try to pull through. My life has been so crazy more than what most have been through and are still functioning at a normal level. TRUST me I have beat the odds and statics ( how I don’t know but I have) But this doesn’t mean am “ok” per sa or I am unaffected. I have been in a few differnet cyles that are interconnected. I need to break free of all the cyles so there won’t be another future “ Mr. WRONG” in my life. No more two faced people ( “friends” ) .. ect I want to be a healthy stable person and need helahty stable people in my life. I think about killing myself but haven’t tried yet. I did once before someone found me before I bleed to death. I am not crazy I just feel so alone and have experienced a lot of trauma ( hence my PTSD ). Being here feeling stuck with my NC and having to force myself to stand up against any and everything he does is overwhelming and numbing and becoming too much for me. There are no easy answers.
Sep 27 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
RoseyRose
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I apologize

I apologize for incongruousness in my post. Am not lying I just usually post a draft that I typed up fast or after something has happened. There are spelling errors ect but am not a liar I just don't ( I know I should) put more time into what I post. Somethings may seem untrue but its the wording and and sometimes I don't go into detail so it leaves a lot out or I leave out other details to try and finish and post it faster. So I am a honest person if you have any questions just ask. I apologize and will work on making sure my post are up to par. Also I have worked ( see what I MEAN) but under the table or cleaning jobs I worked as a nanny . So I have worked but no refs and ect
Sep 27 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

I GOT CERTIFICATES AND A DIPLOMA ..more employable

I finished my internet business management and leadership courses and my customer service course. I have certificates for both and project development diploma. I will have it in mail in a few weeks. Its the best I can do right now. At least am working on something to make myself more employable/
Sep 18 - 8AM
Swan
Swan's picture

USED

I am proud of you for overcoming such difficult hurdles. You did it though and you did it well. Just like you, I also learned through this experience that no one is going to help me but me. So, I did everything I needed to do and got myself out of that living nightmare I was in SAFELY. I was turned away by "friends" "family" and services that were supposed to help people like me...yet here I am with a great job, safe place to live and trying my darndest to live some sort of live other than merely just existing. And I owe it all to ME! I think we all deserve recognition for all the triumphs, big or small. We need to remind ourselves of them every single day. (hugs) S
Sep 18 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
Used
Used's picture

swan

hi swan and thankyou for that....people dont even no what it feels like to have no one,and thats when our character comes into play...like you i owe to me... everyday of my life, even on a bad day...i think you done it used...my care people,used to say i was a guttersnipe and would never amount to anything...i made the mistake of telling myexnh this.....at every point he would say, i got you out of the fxxking gutter...and i used to think,yes you arsehole, but i look up and see the stars...whereever he looks it is the same abyss it has always been...i got out...and everyday i think i got away ,i am free to be me...do what i want ,go where i want....and i know that i done it on my own....and so do exnh and exn know it...they hate me for it.....revenge is so sweet...used xxxx
Sep 18 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

roseyrose

there is always an option, when you are 25 with no children...my life was similiar to yours..in care at 4years old till i was 14years old..then 3 foster homes ,the last one i just ran away,slept on streets for a while...went to my mother to stay there...no she and her current b/f said, went to my dads, no from him and his current wife..i didnt move off the doorstep...so he agreed if i behaved my self...stayed there till i was 15...he kicked me out i ended up in a remand home...met my husband ..got married at 16, big mistake..we had 3kids, when i first asked him to go...he said you will never get the kids...i stayed B/C OF MY KIDS...him in and out of prison ..never worked, never had any money, went to a womens refuge ,where their first question was havent you bought any food in, we cant afford to keep you...my exh came and got me.....I THEN KNEW I WAS ON MY OWN.... the only thing i had going for me was my SELF PRESEVATION AND SURVIVAL SKILLS ALL LEARNED IN CARE HOMES...i stayed till all my kids left home..then divorced him.... I now live a peaceful life...helped by no one but my self and my determination not to go under.....as swan said there is always an option....you say it takes an hour to get to the city...so, what diffrence does that make...you have no working skills...niether did i... i done some of the crappish jobs...cleaning toilets, packing biscuits in a factory..but when i was doing this...i read and learned....and that is what got me here today...and so can you....i dont know why you say you cant get in a shelter...and what your reason is?, but anything is better than how you feel at the moment ... i
Sep 18 - 6AM
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

I am working sometimes not sleeping trying to figure my escape

To experience confirmation of your feelings of the reality your forced to numb yourself to to and deny in order to survive IS burden lifting. You hit it right on point. Its like I feel like I should sit there like a baby doll and not speak. WHEN HE TALKS he demands wants full attention because what he says is so wise and great and ect Its so offensive for someone to "check" there nails blow on theme when your taking or " look past you i.e. watching TV or the wall- not respond or show they are even hearing you ( even thought your sitting across from them ) and to be so dismissive with you then THEN !!!!! 5 MINUTES later say something and expect you/me to listen and give him eye contact ,,hahahaahlolol He is a joke. He is rude mean dismissive and not a good person. His parents were so rich they paid for his full schooling. Let him pick teh school. When he got in they paid for whole thing. No loans or state money grants ect All he does now is pay for live web cam girls ( who do sexual things. Its liek a at home online peepshow ) He takes drugs and is mean to me .. He doesn't really do anything. I am taking classes online for this internet certificate.. Forget to tel everyone. I hope it will make me more employable but after all it is just a online course. Not associated a actually college. But its a bussiness management ecourse. If you pass teh exams it has they email you a certificate. This is best I can do since ma stuck up here right now.
Sep 18 - 6AM (Reply to #15)
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

Need to clarifiy something

He did have one job he worked as a therapist ( this is what he went to school for). But got fired and never returned to the practice. He still won't tell me why ) So he did have one job ( lol ) but lost it but didn't even need to do that cuz like I said his parents were very wealthy. Its like he is trying to train me teach me: Your opinions mean nothing rose. He is training me because I accept it and don't say anything back usually like" That is rude" or can you look at me are you listening". I stay quite because its less trouble. He understandS NEUROLINGUISTICS. He worked as a trama therapist among other people he worked with( Why was he fired I still want to know ) So he knows how to manipulate....
Sep 18 - 6AM
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

THANKS TO ALL FOR COMMENTING

Thank you for commenting. THANK ALL of you for your support. It makes me feel like am not alone. I know you didn't have to take time to comment so THANK YOU HUGS
Sep 18 - 6AM
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

AM not just joking or making up excuses

It will take to much time to explain 'WHY going to shelter isn't a option" but please know am honest am not a liar and its just unfortante circumstances. It will take to long to try to explain . Just trust me. If there was somewhere where fro me to go I would go.
Sep 18 - 5AM
Swan
Swan's picture

RoseyRose

So sorry for your situation but I do know people who can help and they are linked to many resources who can also help. Call the domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE They will give you info to your area specific program who will in turn talk about shelters, job search assistance and training, food stamps, med insurance and anthing else you need. Do it today. Don't waste another precious minute of your life. pm me if you need more specific info.
Sep 18 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

How are you doing ? I hope well

As I said in my post staying in area isn't a option for me. It would take to much time to explain. Please just take my word and trust me. I have called them before. The problem is out-of-state domestic abuse shelters won't take me because am not in there state. You can't reserve a bed lol. I can't stay in area so it makes for a hard situation. Thank you for responding. Its nice to feel like am not alone locked in my head thoughts.
Sep 18 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
Swan
Swan's picture

stay in the area shelter

stay in the area shelter temporarily and then find a way to move on to the place you need to be...don't give up.
Sep 18 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

I will try

Thank you for commenting. THANK ALL of you for your support. It makes me feel like am not alone. I know you didn't have to take time to comment so THANK YOU HUGS
Sep 18 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
RoseyRose
RoseyRose's picture

THERE ARE NO OPTIONS IN MY AREA

Its ok. Its a very unsualy and abnorablly difficult sisuation. I wish there weren't as many challenges and it was yoru sterotypical sisuation. I call a local shelter it clean nice they have a opening and I go and don't ever haev to wrroy about my ex and live happily every after ( lol I wish ). I want so desprately for a chagne to happen. I meantime am afraid of him. I never know whats going on with him or if am good rose or bad rose to him. He acts paraniod then calms down then sweet then again. He has teh nasty additude towards me and acts werid towards me. All the meds he takes ams urprised his mood isn't more stable BUT then again he TAKES 3 sometimes 4 as much as he should ( more than one medication).. and abuses other medications. So he is like taking too much maybe its having reverse effect becaue his body ahs built up a tolarance to them. I don't know. Trying to figure him out just casues me anxity becasue at then end of the day You never know why or how to respond
Sep 18 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Swan
Swan's picture

Rosey

THERE ARE ALWAYS OPTIONS. ALWAYS.
Sep 18 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
Swan
Swan's picture

options

Let one of the moderators know your area and they can hook you up with one of us that will try to be of some assistance.
Sep 18 - 4AM
freaked
freaked's picture

RosyRose, your post is

RosyRose, your post is heartbreaking but I am not going to cluck out some sympathy that would be quite useless for you at this point. What level are your qualified? You could start by searching for a job that does not require very high academic qualification, then work your way through night college/correspondence college. at 25 you are very young, please don't get so freaked out.. I can see that there is a perfectly healthy future ahead for you, but it requires some work from you. Can you get a job of a stenographer or a store attendant for a starter? Please try not to psyche yourself so much. if your narc is not threatening your life, then you are safe. I am twice your age, and care about your welbeing even though i don't know you personally. also, get hold of a local newspaper from somebody or other or at a public library, and start going through the classified adverts...you will certainly find a job opening.
Sep 18 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
RoseyRose
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NO BUS line no car

I have no ways to get to a job. I don't drive and I can barely get him to take me to the store he likes me dependent on him .Also where we live there are no buslines. We live in fancy secluded area.
Sep 18 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
RoseyRose
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We live in Suburb that is

We live in Suburb that is kinda cut off from public transportation. It takes on average a hour to get down to city from where am AT. There really aren't jobs up here and even if I did get lucky and find one I would need a way to get there. He barely will take me to grocery store let alone every day to a job. He doesn't like it when am happy and generally frowns upon any type of growth he sees in me. Its like a provoker for him.
Sep 18 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

New Home

Rosey, first of all, BIG hug and kisses, please don`t give up. Alcohol, I`ve been there too and understand it. Have you thought of taking a job where you get accomodation along with the job (household help, cleaner, housemaid, nursemaid etc.). You could Google that and you could also move completely somewhere else with relatively little effort. It may not suit you long-term, but at least it gets you out of that awful swamp you`re in right now. Do you have one or two friends you really trust? Talk things over with them (brainstorming) and get practical help too. Above all, don`t let him guess what you`re planning (use another computer if you think he reads your mail, for example). He sounds dangerous to me. Take care. Another big hug. Tigerlily