I'm Going Down

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prettypeeved
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Jesus, he is tightening his
Jesus, he is tightening his grip so fast! Everything here involves him gaining more and more control over you. You realise if you want to leave again, he's now made it MUCH harder for you?
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture
Couldn't agree more with
Couldn't agree more with this. Now you're saying he's ALREADY bulldozering you into moving in with him? Before you've even caught your balance? And the instant you decide maybe it's going a bit fast, he's just going to use it against you.
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture
Just a quick comment about the cheating.
I understand loving him. I actually still love my N. I haven't ever really been NC because I have children with him among other things. He's a cheater. He's constantly looking for attention from other woman. Even when he wasn't 'cheating', he was still getting attention from woman that he'd meet at work. Your N will cheat again. It's just the way they work. Staying with him, just know that. If I didn't have teenage daughters I may just go back to my N. But I want to be an example to them. My ex has been calling and showing up and emailing and wanting me back. The sex was great together. There is nothing like trusting a man with your body and heart. But I know this is his style and a cycle he loves. Create drama, selfish drama and then ride the high of making up. Good luck to you! I hope you two can get into therapy and work some things out and maybe he can pull it together and really change. I think some people can change. You need to do what's best for you.
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture
Bada You are loved and
Bada You are loved and respected here, whther you are with him or not. Whatever the outcome, please keep in touch. I truly hope things work out for you
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture
Bada
You are in it now and you will get out of it in your own time. You are one of the most amazing people posting here. I want to share that I just gave my horrible selfish N another chance after his crazy abandonment last year. I could not help but want to believe he cared after so many years - despite everything I learned. But mine promptly faded again after he left - it has been devastating having to admit to myself all over again that he does not care for me and it was an act in June to see if he could get me...believing that he is permanently disordered is so devastating as I still love him and miss him though am horrified by his lack of character. Yours is way smarter and more clever...he may be ok for a long while before he starts up again - please be careful and try to protect your heart. This pain is not fun to carry around after being abandoned twice... No one can tell you what to do - please do not be afraid to share - you may need help soon. I hope your bubble does not burst and crush your fine spirit
KeshaN
KeshaN's picture
I feel sometimes we need to
I feel sometimes we need to weed out all of the doubts. Still somewhere in you I think you want to believe he is a good person and that things will change. Don't feel bad I did this 1001 times with my husband. I kept coming back and the honeymoon phase is so magical. You feel so happy and you think things have changed. I want to tell you that I hope the same things you hope. I hope things have changed between you two but if he is truly a Narcissist then i know it hasn't. it could never change with these type of people. Eventually, after doing this over and over you will get tired of it. Me I didn't want to divorce him with any doubts in my mind of the situation. So I kept coming back to him now I am not going back I finally see he will not change but it took several times before I got to this point. I have no doubts now that he will not change. I know he will not and so lawyer here I come. So don't get down on yourself I feel that it is a process just protect yourself. Don't be easily blinded, prepare yourself and don't get your hopes up high. Expect him to not change so when he doesn't it won't hurt as much and if he does you will be even happier.
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
You may not reach BadaBing...but you sure as hell reached me!
I read every single post here...and I so needed it...Thank you. My N called 3 days ago and the addiction kicked into high gear. I did not answer nor did I return the call..but the longing and craving has been strong. and WOW! what this addict mind tells me- "he loves you", "it will be different", "it took alot for him to reach out", "he must not be with anyone else", "he only wants me" and on and on. and do you know what? there could very well be another reality- he got bored, she left him, he pissed her off, he saw me and missed our sex, he wants my adoration again, he needs more attention..... I need to be fucking brutally honest with myself , not drink the kool aid, not listen to the addict mind, and remember every God damn mean , cold, deceptive thing he has done in 8 looooooong years. Reading all of these posts for BadaBing- is MEDICINE for me. You may not reach her...but you sure as hell reached me tonight.
Used
Used's picture
strivingforhealing
well said, and i can relate so much to what you have said....omg, how can we forget the bad times?...but we do...the bad times for me well out weighed the good...
Goldie
Goldie's picture
Thank God for this Striving
God works in mysterious ways. Love you much and keep strong and stay NC, you are going to break through this, this time. I can feel it. God bless, Goldie
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Striving for healing
Always remember the shit he is putting you thru. You are working hard, yes this is a reality check. Delete! Hunter
gaizon
gaizon's picture
bada
Bada, I don't comment on here often, I've only posted a couple things but lurk here now and again to keep me on the straight and narrow. Your posts have been very eloquent and strong - and as such, I was shocked to see your recent post. That said, I understand the strong draw of the N. The pull is magnetic and when they are being charming - it's easy to fall back into their spell and into their arms. This is why NC is so adamantly endorsed. You are right, we have no idea what you and your mate talked about; nor do we know about the good times. But the nature of this website is such that the bad typically outweighs the good. One of the post upsetting posts I read on here was a post of yours where he cornered you in the parkade and wanted you to engage; when you didn't, he punched your door. Your employer caught that on video - and let's be honest, it's not good behaviour. I really hope you are right about the guy, that he has changed. But I can't help thinking that you need to be selfish and hard on yourself. The only person who can ultimately take care of you, is you. But make no mistake, we are all on your side. Before you forge forward, take a day or two to think about this...If he will rage and pummel your car door when you don't oblige...what's next? What "price" are you willing to pay for someone who has already, my your admission, displayed some very scary and damaging behaviour, and who had betrayed your union by cheating and thereby potentially putting your health at risk? I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs, G.
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture
Badabing, Alot of us have
Badabing, Alot of us have come to really care about each other here. You are one of my favorites. I have paternal feelings for you that just happen sometimes. I know you have learned so much here on the site, and that gives me peace as I read about your decision. I pray and will continue to pray for you and your boyfriend. It would be wonderful if all of our fears are unfounded. This site and alot of us will continue to be here into the future. Feel always welcome and free to check back any time you want. Your buddy and surrogate daddy, Done sourcing
Journey
Journey's picture
Bada
I've often readily given people and circumstances the benefit of the doubt. I've been willing to just go along, see what happens, decide later if it does or doesn't work for me, see if I'll be happy, if I get hurt, maybe it CAN work out. What I've learned in my life is that every time taking this course of 'non action', it has set me back somehow. I'm not even talking only about my exN. Though, of course with him for sure. We all must do what we feel/think is right for us, that is the way we learn what is and isn't. It is hard to see the forest through the trees and all of us here just want your path to be healing and safe. I know we haven't heard all the good stuff your N does, but the thing is, when it isn't real bad, we don't hear all about it here. When it isn't real bad we don't post that we need help, advice, comfort, understanding, validation, nor do we need to share so much sorrow, confusion and pain. THIS is how we know your relationship with him, so this is what we caution to you now that WE SEE IN HIM! He showed you (and us by your telling), that he is controlling, manipulative, angry, desperate, violent, a cheater and a stalker. Do you remember when many of us were advising you get a restraining order since his behavior was becoming more violent and erratic? You told us it was YOUR FEAR that stopped you because you didn't want to make things worse. What were you afraid of then that you don't still fear now? He's got you drinking the koolaide and saying all the right things in his hoover. I wish I had known about narcs when my exN hoovered at the half way point of our relationship like that... I thought I was in pain then and was so relieved when new promises were made because I was soooo in love and wanted to believe. If I had NOT believed, it would have saved me years of anguish recovering from the worst that was still to come. BTW, mine never once laid a finger on me in anger, nor did he ever loudly verbally assault me, nor did he cheat in front of me, nor did he ever stalk or frighten me physically or even mentally... I was completely fooled - he was a perfect gentlemanly narc in that respect, but no less destructive as I found out. I hope for your sake you are right about yours, that he loves you, is learning and is willing to do his part happily, to be your perfect man. I decided to believe that with mine too, so I understand how much easier that choice is. I wish you well, truly. (hugs)

Journey on...

ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
BadaBing
This honestly is the saddest, most scary post I have ever read on here. My heart is breaking. I absolutely hate this man. You deserve SO much more. That being said, I'm very glad you let us know, because we are your friends and we truly care about you. xxx, Ruby
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture
Bada, I really don't know how
Bada, I really don't know how to say this and don't mean it in a mean way. You are not loving or taking care of Bada. If you were logically thinking what is good for Bada, you wouldnt be talking to him. I was on that roller coaster for 20 years with the exNarc. I know from experience, if you loved and respected yourself, there is NO WAY you would go back to someone who did the things he did. I have finally, at 43 learn to love and respect myself and have faith that I will not let anyone abuse me again. Not sure about your background, but I know my background set me up for the narc. Please, take care of Bada. If you have always been the nurturing type, it is hard to turn it back to yourself. But, you gotta try and I think you will get there. Those honeymoon days are great, but they will end bad. xoxo
Happy1
Happy1's picture
BadaBing
I ran back to my narc quite a few times. I wish I could help someone else from doing the same mistakes I've made. I wasted a lot of time on my narc, but no one could tell me. I was so addicted to my narc and it really took him being mean to my son in December and the cheating of course for the cherry on my ice cream for him to be gone and out of my life. I don't have any mean or cruel words for you as I'm sure you have a lot of dialog in your head when you are with him. I remember so many times being with my narc and thinking to myself. So next time he breaks up with me I will do this or that. Next time... there's always a next time. Hang on to your seat bada bing because you and I know there's a next time. I wish I could make it better for you and it's frustrating as hell to see anyone return to their narc, but you are the only one walking in your shoes. I hope the dialog in your head wins and not the little girl inside that wants the fairy tale. I know I thought if I was silent enough for him and didn't try to stand up for myself when he cut me down or if I made sure his dinner was done by 6:30 or if I made sure the house was spotless or if I didn't get upset when he mentions the other women he's had or if I.... there was always an "IF I". You can never be enough for your narc. He will always stray and he will always want attention from others. That's how they function and we bore them after a period of time. I feel bad for the emotions to come. It makes me sick to my stomach because I remember when... Good luck Bada Bing
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture
badabing
We are all here for you with NO judgments, I went back and forth to my narc over the 15 years and lost count. I hope you remember if it doesn't work out for you this time, then make it the LAST time you put yourself through HELL.. Best of luck to you...........
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture
BADA
Hi There precious One Just got back from fashion week, checked in here and read your post bada the title "Im going down"..hmmmm sounds like some part of you does understand there is only one direction with PD's "down" listen look at it this way now there is no more pretense he dosent have to hide anything from you because he understands by your "actions' that you will accept him and "Love" him no matter what so,he can be with anyone do anything slice your tires terrorize you and it's ok with you..so if its ok with you its ok with me no judgements Bada if I might be really honest here you never really went totally NC with this guy it was alot of drama Emails him waiting at on your stairs for you you having interaction with the woman on your couch it was always something, some contact and that keeps the oxytocin levels very high even sitting with him on your stairs is a "hit" its exchanged internasally(nostrils) remember you saying you loved the way he smelled? thats a "hit" so Bada you dont really know what your life would really be like with out him..honestly you dont as I said..there has never been a chance for your oxytocin levels to return to normal as Dr Pat taught me, seeing smelling tasting touching hearing the voice ( she had me remove my voice from my outgoing message) so that he couldnt get as she says "a hit off of your voice" so what we are talking about here is really delicate its your whole life in the balance whatever it is he told you to as you said "sold you" is just that he sold you cookie... thats why he didnt want to go to therapy without sex first he had to be certian you were "under the influnece" his influence. first I bet that now he will go to therapy no problem hey he's just doing what a good pathological does I feel for you, bada..deeply we all do but Im so happy this isnt me and it so easily could have been Im so happy I never looked back, and treated my 2 years with DrN as his death..period did this exactly as perscribed Im so happy I endured the seemingly endless nights and days because they do end the pain does end, and oh my God..the beauty that awaits its real Im living it and as the good witch says to dorothy in the wizard of oz "YOU ALWAYS HAD THE POWER" choose wisely, Bada were talking your life...your sanity, he will kill what you could have been if you stay please reconsider...please gotta catch my flight ( short gig in vegas) be blessed k
MandyM
MandyM's picture
I don't know that there's
I don't know that there's anything I can say that the others haven't said. My ex was never violent. He never hit me, never said he would or that he wanted to. Never raged at me, except when he fought when I called him out on his crap and he naturally didn't like that, and even then, he never called me names, never belittled me, never insulted me. He never physically threatened me, never forced me to do anything sexually that I didn't want to do, never liked anything kinky or weird or twisted. He never stalked me, never harrassed me, never threatened me, never stole from me financially or otherwise. To this day, I wouldn't hesitate to be alone with him, because he never once made me feel afraid. He never broke up with me, either - he just pulled away, more and more and more until he was gone. He never told me the truth when I asked him what was going on - he lied and said "nothing." Even as he was vanishing from my life, he was willingly doing nice things for me - our very last conversation was initiated by him trying to help me with advice from friends when I lost my job. If I went by his words, I'd have thought we were still on good terms, still the "friends" he insisted we were. A part of me still loves him, even after everything he did and everything I've learned. I still remember how it felt to be with him when things were good. There are times I still miss him like hell. So I understand how easy it would be to go back, like you have. I'm not discounting that at all. But I also know, as painful as it is, that he is what he is - a very passive aggressive, very covert narcissist. I remember all the good things about him, sure, but I also remember the complete and total mindfuck that relationship was from beginning to end. The manipulation, the games, the lies, the triangulation, the hot-and-cold back-and-forth, the weariness of always, always, always feeling off-balance, the cycles of bliss followed by days of the silent treatment followed by bliss. Always wondering what the hell he was doing, what the hell was going on, why the hell he wouldn't just TELL me what was wrong every time I confronted him, why he wouldn't just LEAVE every time handed him the opportunity to walk away from me by saying, "I know this is over." Nothing was ever wrong. We were never over. He stayed, and I wondered why, when he clearly didn't seem to want to be with me. And then he'd leave. And come back. And leave. And I wound up an emotional trainwreck. I know how hard it is, Bada. I KNOW. Everyone here knows. If mine hadn't just left on his own, I honestly don't know if I ever would have had the strength and courage to do it myself. I hope I would have gotten sick enough of it eventually, but I don't know. Which is why I know I need to be strong and brave enough to stay away now. You can't see just how bad it is when you're in it. Now that I'm out of it, I can see it way too clearly. You need to give yourself that time and space and distance to see the relationship for what it really is. Please, please, please give yourself this gift.
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture
Your Sister
I think your sister is in a tough & awkward position. First, she probably agreed with you that the guy was a jerk when you were angry with him. Now, you are in love with him & life is good. In a way, she is not "splitting." Once she's committed herself to a position, she cannot easily flip back to the opposite position of his being a great guy who her sister is in love with. Second, she may feel duped. Perhaps she spent hours holding your hand, hearing all sorts of stories of his emotional/psychological abuse. This may have caused her some pain to see you suffer. And then you are now back with him happy & in love. And now expect her to be happy for you? Your sister may just feel used & that you wasted her time. She may not want to be an enabler. Or get caught in a cycle of drama. If everything works out with your man & your love grows & stabilizes. Your sister will eventually come around. Give it time. Really, you are not the one on trial here. Your man is the one on probation. It is he who must show you & your sister & everybody else that he has changed & is a good & decent man.
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
Agnes
I didn't expect this to happen honestly I didn't
Goldie
Goldie's picture
Badabing
This is good to dialog about this and for you to be honest in what you are doing, however, this is a recovery site from PD's which encourages NC as part of the recovery. You do not have to be NC to be here. You do need to respect what our members are trying to do. Like I said, we will be here for you when you have had enough. You must understand that by posting this you are going to get the responses which you have received. Loving, honest, responses concerned primarily towards your well being. Have a healthy honest dialog regarding your feelings if you would like; just please keep in mind that we will not be debating the importance of NC and we will not be tolerating any negative comments towards those who are NC and are simply trying to help you to see the truth in what you are doing. So please read the comments without debating the feedback because there is no debate here. You have already shared with us how bad it was for you with this man and we are not going to be encouraging what you are doing. God bless, Goldie
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
Just 2 days ago
Goldie I posted today to report what happened, not to have any debate either way. It JUST HAPPENED -I broke NC. I just posted on it! regarding all the extra words in your response is UNNECESSARY TO REMIND ME this has not been ON GOING so I don't really need clarification on debating when I haven't even posted before about this! I am certainly not going to post on what just happened again.. and I am not interested in any debating of what goes on in MY LIFE FOR SURE
Anabelle
Anabelle's picture
Bada I don't know you. But I
Bada I don't know you. But I can see your communication It makes me think and it raises questions. Not for us. For you. YOU are desperate. YOU DEBATE with yourself. And you try to project your fears... and got angry with the forum. The question is what makes you go into such a defensive mode to attack and prove your right? What do you want to prove and to whom? Your post called Going down... If I am in love and I am fully happy and sure about my decision, I am going actually high.... So... think about this... What is making you going down??? And if there is something, what makes you accept it??? What makes you feel so threatened by the comments? What made you post this if you knew what will be the reaction? You didn't come here for permission, did you? I understand you are not in the position to accept my comment. This is your life. So we have nothing else, but sit back and wait. And hope that you are going to be ok.... But to be honest, your comment is more calling for help, than celebrating love. Take care :) XXX
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture
Bada we are here for you
What the girls wrote is dead on, I too was struggling and thought he had changed and gave him chance after chance after chance. We want to believe they will change and will grab onto those crumbs with all our heart. I loved mine more than you know and he was always amazing, loving and generous to me and my family. There was no anger, no yelling, no name calling etc. He was a silent liar, manipulator, so good that I had no idea for a very very long time and to this day would prob have no idea. Some are masters at seeking supply. I believe you are in the idealization phase again. He may believe he will change but I believe in time you will be hurt again. Each time it gets worse because they know which buttons to push. Mine never D&D'd me, I always left him but he was very very good at what he did. He was married for 26 years to a very beautiful smart woman and I'm sure he fooled her too. We are here for you and do not want to see you hurt again, I wish you could put a wall up to not fall into his prey as it seems you have. Just protect your heart and we are all here for you. xoxo. I spent the day/night with my exN on Saturday and told him I would never ever take him back. I used him and he used me and thats all it was...as much as I would love to be back with the man I thought he was at the beginning.
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
@ Lisa 87
I knew it would be hard to post
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture
Whoa! Hang on! I just did a
Whoa! Hang on! I just did a double-take and realised I've got you mixed up with someone else! You're the gal who wanted the therapy session with the guy who sounded really angry and potentially violent, and who tried to bulldozer you into only going to the session if you had sex with him, aren't you? Wish I could delete my previous post. This guy is BAD NEWS. He's manipulated you repeatedly. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different end result - why do you think he won't manipulate you again? Why won't he be angry and nasty and use you?
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
Yes
Pretty Yes, you are correct Yes, I admit that i went back to 'that' guy
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture
This isn't a guy who's just
This isn't a guy who's just called you a few names. He's stalked you, chased you through car parks, threatened you, and manipulated you repeatedly. Why? Who go back?
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
In his way
he wanted me to listen i get it, that I only posted the bad things, the worst things here. I shared my pain and agony. I didn't share with you the years we were together that I was happy. I didn't share with you all the things I liked or that I felt he added to my life. I get it that you can't see WHY