I'm Going Down

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prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture
So it's OK that he's
So it's OK that he's threatened you, chased you, hurt you, lied to you, and all the rest, because a while ago (a LONG while ago, I'm betting) he was nice? He wanted you to listen so he scared you to do it? What's next, if he thinks you're still not listening? Will he decide to hit you to make sure he has your attention?
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
Bada, there is not much I can
Bada, there is not much I can say to you that the others have not.......but will say this...... EVERY TIME that I went back with "my eyes open" the outcome was worse than the time before that. Of course your sister is mad at you, and your sisters here are upset and concerned........you are blessed to have so many that truly care for you, and I believe you know that. No one can tell you what to do and what not to do, you are going to do what you want, period. That is the bottom line. Relationships with narcs never work, ever, and you know that. But somehow this time is different for you and you are going to give it another try. Best read up on "how to succeed in a narc realtionship" I will tell you, it can be done, but ONLY by giving up your entire self. If you are able to do that, cool, sad, but cool if thats what you want for yourself. The only purpose you will have in the relationship is MANAGING him and his disorder. A lifetime of that is a lifetime of imprisonment, no one signs up for that willingly do they? I want more than that, and so do many on here, including you.......that's all I can say. It's a sad day on the forum only because you are loved by so many, you can understand that, can't you? BADA, BACKS ARE NOT TURNING HERE, ONLY HEADS.......YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture
Oh and BTW
Bada, a man doesn't have to be VIOLENT to hurt you. In fact many personality disordered men never lay a hand on their victims, but the sexual, emotional psychological and financial mindfucking they did to them, sent them to suicide or mental hospitals or on medications and intensive therapy to get over. The pain of being objectified used and abused is often worse than being hit. At least with violence and I've experienced two psychopaths, one violent, one not, I knew what was coming. WIth this last one, he was far more subtle, dangerous and conniving.
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
No
I just wanted to clarify that he never put his hands on me or hit me that is all I wanted to do because he hasn't ever hit me and i wouldn't be with a man that did I am totally in love with him, so whatever go along with that right now - denial even I am giving him another chance and I am going to believe in the best in him
Layla
Layla's picture
There was a time I could say ............
...that my abuser never put his hands on me too. Then we got married.
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture
badabing
It is amazing to see your denial. Tell me, what will you say to us when he abuses again? You're not thinking straight, all doped up on oxytocin and a manipulative love making session. Abusive men take YEARS to recover, Bada and that's if they choose too. PD's do not. Obviously the sex sold you, as it often does. We've all learned that we don't listen to what he SAYS bada, but what he DOES. You're only listening to what he says, not what he has done and will continue to do. Your sister is not speaking to you for a reason. she is well within her right. She knows too, Bada. And she knows how bad this man is. She's not going to participate in your self sabotage. Good for her, she shouldn't, although my guess is that when he does something worse, she'll be there again. You need to understand that you can't cry wolf too many times. This is why victims are often blown off after going back over and over again. This is different, because you are MORE than aware of what's going on and who he is. Your sister probably realizes that it's not healthy to be around you when you're overdosed in oxytocin and lies out of him. I'm actually glad you told us, Bada, know why? Because even though what you're doing is highly triggering to some posters, here, I find it sad. I feel sorry for you. I really do. But it also makes me more emphatic about my NC and how that keeps me safe from my ex and any attempts to hoover me while being in a vulnerable state. YOU are extremely vulnerable. He knew that too. They can sense this stuff. I'm not only concerned now because of your denial and false belief that this man remotely loves you, and your blindness, but when he hurts you MORE this next time, I worry about your fragile state and what that will cause you to do the next D&D. Good Luck.
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
cry wolf?
Really? posting the TRUTH here about what I did? some how is compared to me crying wolf? I don't have to share anything here I don't want to, and I was doing so today but not to cry wolf fucks sake!! enough now You don't know what SOLD me again on him and honestly I don't think anyone here really cares - you will have your opinions and I will have mine
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture
SOLD
is the key word, bada, even your conscious mind knows that what you got was an oxytocin weekend love fest with a seriously dangerous, disordered individual. Nothing less than a psychopathic sales pitch that you were just SOLD on. Actions speak louder than words, Bada. His actions are horrendous. ANd now they will be much worse.
Goldie
Goldie's picture
Badabing
This post clearly illustrates the addiction aspect for us. It is similar to the drug addict. It does not matter what they have already lost or what they may still lose. They still go back for another high convinced that this time they know the way it is, this time they can take the drug in safety and won't get addicted, this time they will be able to stop, they will only do it for awhile just to get that high and everything will be fine. Everytime they go back there is more to lose; yet when in the throes of addiction they just can't see it. The loss of self respect, money, friends, family, health, and all the rest that goes along with it. I have been at this for a long time, working with addictions, drugs, relationships, ect... and it is always the same thing. You just don't understand. I know what I am doing this time. My eyes are open. This time it will be different. This time I can make it work. He would never hurt me again. He will never hit me, or cheat on me again. He has changed; he realizes now. I am in control now. My PD is different than your PD, mine really loves me. My PD makes me feel good; so good that I cannot even remember the bad stuff anymore because this time it was so great. He is so sorry; I just know it, I could see it in his face and hear it in his words. He held me so closely while I cried or we laughed together all weekend. Yes, it is always the same, until the next time he cheats, lies, steals, or completely disrespects you. Same shit; different day! PD's don't change, they can't and they don't want to anyway. They enjoy the control they can exert over us and they enjoy the game of sucking us back in so they can go another round with us and feel like they are back in control. IT IS ONLY A GAME TO THEM, as soon as you are completely sucked back in.........WHAM they slam you again. All boils down to when YOU have had enough. Do what you want or need to do Badabing. We will still be here when you are ready. We are not going anywhere. I am not going to say anything bad to you and I will embrace you when you return. I always do. We all have slips and sometimes the slip is because we just have not suffered enough or there is some aspect of this we just don't get yet, and when we do, we become more willing to end it and stop the insanity. Enjoy the high because there is always a major low to follow in the relationship with a PD. Stay safe and try to get out on go NC again before it gets too bad. Love you Badabing, you are one of our sisters in recovery, God bless, Goldie
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture
Wow Goldie!
Yes as you know I have struggled so hard with the addiction. I could/can know that the man is evil and not good for me and still crave to be with him. Dear Lord it is a horrible addiction and surely a struggle for me. It truly is one day at time for me.
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
Yes All those things
Yes
Scoop
Scoop's picture
The warning i give you is the
The warning i give you is the same as Spinnings , the last time i went back to my narc he turned violent , he bruised me so badly it took a month for the bruises to go . The FACT is a narc WILL get more abusive the more times you go back . This psychopath doesnt love you , he is creating a fairy story for you in order to get you back under his controle and once he knows he has done enough work on you BAM you will be right back to having him cheat and messing with your head , there is no happy ever after with a narc , and if you think you are going in eyes open you are wrong , the chemicals that are running through your body (oxytocin and dopamine)are practicly jummping of the page as you write , you can not by the chemicals very nature be thinking straight . Having said that and im sorry for being blunt , we will be here always for you , when he turns again we will pick you up .. again .. Scoop x
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
Thank u
I will see what happens
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture
You still have hope for him
You are brave to update us on your actions and feelings. I hope you continue to do that even though you will have various reactions from your friends here. I'm too new to your story to express an opinion. You have so much awareness now, that should help you as you continue to evaluate him and your relationship.
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture
Hi Bada, I read my fortune in
Hi Bada, I read my fortune in a fortune cookie the other day that read "Killing time murders opportunities". I saved this fortune because I thought it was applicable to my situation with the Narc.....it was going nowhere but I couldn't always see that. Just make sure there is a future....I would hate to see you waste your time.... : (
Goldie
Goldie's picture
Wow, Better than ever
I just love that, says it all doesn't it? God bless, Goldie
Hunter
Hunter's picture
You are choosing him over
You are choosing him over your sister and us! WOW!! Forget us but your sister Abd her BF who has help you at every corner! Can't say I blame her! I don't need to know what went on, he won, I'm telling you you are not thinking! You are not!! You have triggered me big time! My narc has played this game with me for 20 yrs! At least I can say I didn't know what he was at the time! Your eyes are wide open, you are doing some discarding here and to the wrong people!! Best of Luck, I know how this will end! Badly. Hunter
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
@ Hunter
In no way am I choosing him over anyone here at all!!! I have feelings FOR him Hunter that I have battled with for months now! I have done by best and I didn't think I would consider giving it another chance Maybe, I am not thinking maybe I am feeling right now I had to be honest with you all about what happened and the choice I have made to go back to him this has only been 2 days now and I haven't decided what exactly I will do now but I had to tell you the TRUTH right or wrong hate me I didn't mean to trigger anyone esp you! with telling you what happened and that I did CAVE in to him again
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture
Bada
"Hate me." Nobody hates you, Honey, but understand they are concerned for you. You say it has been 2 days, and you haven't figured out what exactly you are going to do. Huh? You WENT back. Please start figuring it out asap bc you are dealing with a narc, PD, possibly P, and they are always one step ahead of you. Walking away from my exN was the most difficult thing I've ever done, like many here I left for my safety, but in trying to heal, I realize the mental damage he did. My exN was not violent physically, but he was getting worse, and could have gone there eventually. My ex was methodical and manipulative. I can see NOW he has signs of N/P, and a malignant N at that. You, dear bada, are gambling with your mental health! Physical wounds heal faster than psychological wounds. This is the man who you said kept some old book about controlling women in a box in his closest, no? This is the man who called you "girlie" in a threatening manner. He is scary, bada. What has he DONE to change? Has he mentioned counseling? IMO, his issues are so ingrained it would take years of therapy for someone who sees he needs help. That is why they say it is incurable. You can change though, bada. You can take care of yourself, get help, find answers, look inside yourself. Your sister is rightfully concerned, as we are here, AND SHE LOVES YOU, as a real, physical person who is part of her life! My sister felt the same for me after my exN called me a b!tch and threatened me long distance. This formed a rift in our r/s. My exN tried to exploit that too. Today, I HAVE MY SISTER BACK, and I will never lose her again. I am in recovery still and by no means healed, but I am out of the woods, the deep, dark woods I felt I was running through that was the life with my N, always tripping on tree roots he put there, and branches everywhere. This is what it was REALLY like, even though the denial kept me trying. Honestly, bada, if you are so sure of your choice, why not post the specifics of what he did/said? Afterall, you posted his letter. The veterans here know what to look for. They can give you an experienced and unbiased opinion (what I mean is they are not related to you). However, as you see already, they already know without it. As one poster said, you may want to read books on living with a N. Yet, your's sounds like mine, and I knew for my mental health I HAD to leave. Once you remain with them, it only gets worse.
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
@ Caligirl
Thank u for your words today I wanted to write you and answer some of your questions. I didn't post what happened between us because I didn't want to defend it to anyone, and I didn't feel like hearing anyone tear down the words that he used,or him. And I knew it was enough to tell everyone here how he made me feel and that he was able to convince me to pick up the phone , then see him , then go out and then back home with him. Then, stayed with him the rest of the weekend. I didn't have to post all the words because I knew that was enough for anyone to understand me. Yes he called me 'little girl' and referred to me as an immature brat and we fought and he cheated and I could go on and on that I didn't know until the end. I don't know what I am doing exactly right at this point and I am glad he didn't ask me to know either. That this only just transpired and I am coming back to him. I don't have it all figured out in my head yet, any more than that I just love him.
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture
bada, you're welcome. I said these things not so
much expecting an answer, but as food for THOUGHT, as it is clear you are "feeling" with your heart (and as the majority says under the oxytocin). It is certainly your perogative not to share what he said, but it just sounds as if you are "protecting" the one who abused you (which is often done to facilitate denial in the abused). I totally get this! I didn't tell my family what mine did and said after that first incident early on bc I knew how they would react. Also, if I recall when your bf said girlie, it was not like "you're acting like a little girl" as you say above, it was more like, "Hey, girlie" or "Look, girlie," far more of a threat. He also made sex a condition for therapy. Bada, reread your post to me... He called you, you saw him, you went to dinner, back to his place, in his arms all weekend...does this sound normal how fast it moved? It would be far better to take it slow and see actions and not just words. You say he is not asking for a decision. Of course, bc until you decide, he is also free. One last thing to consider. I have a dear friend whose H cheated on her while she was pregnant with their 2nd child. It took months of therapy both couples and individuals before she found peace. He is a "normal" from what I can see, a dr. of PT, active and loving. Are you and he willing to do that? Cheating is a huge betrayal and you walked in on it...it will take therapy. Why don't you ask him, and see how he reacts. This time hopefully he will be amenable without the sex condition. His reaction might reveal something to you. I truly wish you luck and take care.
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Bada
I was the one of the only ones giving this guy a shot! I was wrong, his behavior spells Narc, Every single episode you have with him was one I could relate to! I love the Dog Whisperer more than you know, I dont think that will ever leave me, ever. He was my first love, what time has done to him makes me sick! He is sick! It's not fixable, the only thing I can to to fix this is to walk away! If I called him today he would answer, I know it, and some piece of me will always believe he loved me as much as he was capable of. Please don't be me, 20 yrs of pain because I didn't understand, you do! Hunter
Happy1
Happy1's picture
Hunter
You Loved him not love him.... past tense sister! He's a jackass!
spinning
spinning's picture
Bada, this is the last I'll
say here because you have made a choice based on your feelings. I have feelings for the disordered one I was involved with too. Part of me "feels" like I still love him. Like he was my brother. Like he was part of me. So it's really hard for me to hate him because hating him means hating a part of me, too, and I'm not so up for that any more. It was my own self-hate and self-loathing that led me to accept his poor treatment of me in the first place. I still cry over the pain and the loss. But I stay away because my "feelings" for him almost, almost destroyed me. We are all here because we at one time all had "feelings" for the disordered ones. Every last one of us battled it out. Some (including myself) still do. You haven't paid enough I suppose. It hasn't yet cost you enough (though I find that surprising). There is a pay-off here for you still. I'm here to tell you, however, it will never be enough. And you will pay and pay and pay until there's nothing left. Good luck, Bada. Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF

spinning

BadaBing
BadaBing's picture
I didn't post any specifics
I am
Layla
Layla's picture
Some of us here literally ran to save our very lives....
...me being one of them. I see nothing romantic or wonderful about this post at all. This was the guy punching your windows in your work parking garage? The sinister stalker? My husband was just like your guy.....one night, he violently raped and tried to strangle me to death.....he could "play mr-nice-guy" sometimes too....... Your call though, your life. Just being honest.
Goldie
Goldie's picture
Layla
Exactly, this is how they suck us back in. They are the masters at the: I love you so much, everything will be different now. Thank God you got out! Breaks my heart when I see a post like yours. We are supposed to be able to trust our husband's and when they completely dishonor this union and hurt you like he did, you just have to get out. So sorry he hurt you like that. God bless, Goldie
spinning
spinning's picture
This is the honest
to goodness truth. I was almost destroyed. I was so dead inside already that when I thought he was going to break my jaw I didn't even care. He grabbed me so hard by the collar that I had strangulation marks around my neck for days. This happened the day after he left my bed and left me a note saying how much he loved me, needed me and couldn't live without me. It happened because I stayed in it when I knew I had to get out. He knew I knew it too. Bada, I surely hope you don't wake up at age 53 and wonder what the hell happened to you. Peace. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF.

spinning

Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture
So true Spinning
Mine left me with the psychological scars that run deep. I didnt have your physical injuries and my heart goest out to you on each and every level it can, because you have been a constant source of inspiration to me. Because I had feelings too. My point is that mine left the very morning after hearing that "he loved me, wanted me, needed me, imagined what life would be with only me - and how we are extremely compatible and everything seems just right when we are together. We understand eachother." They say what you want to hear... and for me, it was the most special moment. Right up until he left me as an object on his shelf. I never heard from him again. He knew I had him figured out. He knew I had to leave also. Good luck Bada.......
Hunter
Hunter's picture
You are screwed! I Give it a
You are screwed! I Give it a week! Now the pain starts all over again! I also suggest you get tithe Dr. You must have forgotten about the couch and the date you saw him on! Remember exhausted? She posted the same thing! Guess where she is ?? Jobless and heartbroken AGAIN! You messed up! I'm sorry to hear this!! The worst part for me is you know it! Hunter