On Missing the Narc
On Missing the Narc
If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I do not miss the Narc.
The Narc was a Royal Pain in the Ass - immature, cruel, self-centered, weak, moody, negative, abusive, a killjoy and totally devoid of anything remotely resembling humor. I had very little fun, and one helluva lot of pain, with the Narc, so it`s not the happy times I miss either, because there weren`t any.
If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I do not mourn the loss of the man I fell so deeply in love with, because that man did not exist. That "man" created himself based on subtle clues he picked up from me with the aim of sucking all the good in me out of me as fast as he could and then tossing me aside like a used condom to make space for his next "meal".
If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I do not miss sex with the Narc, because the Narc was just as ungiving and uncaring about sex as he was about everything else. Sex was only good with the Narc because I loved and trusted him so much that I gave myself to him completely.
If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I recognize that what I miss, mourn and grieve the loss of is the ME he reflected back to me, the person I could be when believing herself to be loved unconditionally, the person I AM at a level that is so deep that I rarely, if ever, tap into it - my OWN beauty, freedom, authenticity, sensuality, power, grace and humour - what I truly am.
The Narc only mirrors, he can`t do anything else. He "borrows" traits from us to mirror back during the Idealization phase. We believe we`re that. And when he devalues and discards us, we believe we`re not, and it drives us crazy.
Of course we`re that - if we weren`t, he couldn`t mirror it!
I think this is the VALUE of a relationship with a Narc. Idealization, rot. That would imply that we are not really that wonderful, and I do not believe that. We ARE that wonderful, period. They show us how beautiful and wonderful we REALLY are, and then they move on to do the same to someone else.
OK, they are sick and warped, cruel and perverted and altruism is definitely not their motive. But we can use them, and should, since they had no scruples about using us. We ARE that wonderful, otherwise they couldn`t mirror that. The devaluation, that`s them, their real picture of themselves. They dump it on us like garbage (which it is) and flee.
Throw the garbage where it belongs, which is in the garbage, or give it back to the Narc if you can find him. Personally I can`t be bothered to look. And be grateful to the Narc for the one thing he does well, which is mirror your wonderfulness. Hold onto that - that is YOU. D&D, that`s HIM. That`s showing you that you and he cannot be together, because you are a Goddess and he is a Monster.
Do not envy his next Source, but do not pity her either. She will get a reflection of her own Wonderfulness and his unspeakable Bestiality, just as you did. What she does with it is her business. What YOU do with it, is yours.
Love and hugs to all Fellow-Sufferers, Tigerlily