On Missing the Narc

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#1 Sep 9 - 1PM
Tigerlily
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On Missing the Narc

If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I do not miss the Narc.
The Narc was a Royal Pain in the Ass - immature, cruel, self-centered, weak, moody, negative, abusive, a killjoy and totally devoid of anything remotely resembling humor. I had very little fun, and one helluva lot of pain, with the Narc, so it`s not the happy times I miss either, because there weren`t any.

If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I do not mourn the loss of the man I fell so deeply in love with, because that man did not exist. That "man" created himself based on subtle clues he picked up from me with the aim of sucking all the good in me out of me as fast as he could and then tossing me aside like a used condom to make space for his next "meal".

If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I do not miss sex with the Narc, because the Narc was just as ungiving and uncaring about sex as he was about everything else. Sex was only good with the Narc because I loved and trusted him so much that I gave myself to him completely.

If I`m really honest with myself, if I look really deeply into myself, I recognize that what I miss, mourn and grieve the loss of is the ME he reflected back to me, the person I could be when believing herself to be loved unconditionally, the person I AM at a level that is so deep that I rarely, if ever, tap into it - my OWN beauty, freedom, authenticity, sensuality, power, grace and humour - what I truly am.

The Narc only mirrors, he can`t do anything else. He "borrows" traits from us to mirror back during the Idealization phase. We believe we`re that. And when he devalues and discards us, we believe we`re not, and it drives us crazy.

Of course we`re that - if we weren`t, he couldn`t mirror it!

I think this is the VALUE of a relationship with a Narc. Idealization, rot. That would imply that we are not really that wonderful, and I do not believe that. We ARE that wonderful, period. They show us how beautiful and wonderful we REALLY are, and then they move on to do the same to someone else.

OK, they are sick and warped, cruel and perverted and altruism is definitely not their motive. But we can use them, and should, since they had no scruples about using us. We ARE that wonderful, otherwise they couldn`t mirror that. The devaluation, that`s them, their real picture of themselves. They dump it on us like garbage (which it is) and flee.

Throw the garbage where it belongs, which is in the garbage, or give it back to the Narc if you can find him. Personally I can`t be bothered to look. And be grateful to the Narc for the one thing he does well, which is mirror your wonderfulness. Hold onto that - that is YOU. D&D, that`s HIM. That`s showing you that you and he cannot be together, because you are a Goddess and he is a Monster.

Do not envy his next Source, but do not pity her either. She will get a reflection of her own Wonderfulness and his unspeakable Bestiality, just as you did. What she does with it is her business. What YOU do with it, is yours.

Love and hugs to all Fellow-Sufferers, Tigerlily

Sep 9 - 11PM
Okay1150
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Right on!

Idealization is what keeps us hooked. The glimpses of the wonderful person he could be - if only - he had a heart. I know it's right to leave, it's my salvation, and it still hurts. What I thought it was, what I thought it could be - only it wasn't and it couldn't. It's hard to move forward. But we must - and we will...
Sep 10 - 12AM (Reply to #21)
Tigerlily
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You

It`s the glimpses of the wonderful person WE could be that keep us hooked. And WE have a heart! Keep moving forward. Remember YOU!! Love, Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 8PM
Layla
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I can see..........

......your beauty, your kindness, your compassion, your intelligence and your undying spirit in this post. Thank you for reminding me of mine. Blessings, and welcome to the forum. love~ Layla
Sep 9 - 4PM
sunkistbird
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our wonderfulness

This was GREAT. Loved it. It speaks volumes. Our wonderfulness.
Sep 9 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
Tigerlily
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Sunkistbird

Great name! -you don`t need a narc with a name like that! Soar to the sun, sunkistbird! And never look back! Thanx for answering! Love, Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 4PM
Anabelle
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This is the best post I have

This is the best post I have ever read here. Thank you
Sep 9 - 5PM (Reply to #15)
Tigerlily
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Thanks Anabelle.

I really appreciate all of your kindness and generosity in welcoming me the way you have. It makes me want to write more, and I will. Take care, love , Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
Anabelle
Anabelle's picture

very welcome :)

Just keep posting and keep reading. LEARN! Take this amazing opportunity to find your answers & please KEEP your positive spirit up and smile!!!!! :))) Thanks for the post. This is really a cool perspective. I think this is the way to see this whole experience. From the mirroring side before his destroying craziness took over. Lots of love`Hang on here :)
Sep 9 - 3PM
lillymarch
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From one Lilly to another...

Thank you for this post! You are EXACTLY right. I don't want this man! Why I have to keep reminding myself about it is insane. He quickly becomes the man I invented until I remind myself: he's a bad person, you don't want to me with him. Thank you, I'm going to read your post as often as I drop back down into denial.
Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
Tigerlily
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You

All he ever had going for him was his ability to show you "You" (I`m talking about the "Idealisation" Phase, naturally! Everything ugly was "Him"!). Concentrate on that "YOU" he showed you, that was his only value in your life. Live that "YOU" without him, and you will attract in droves men who REALLY are what he pretended to be. That is a promise. Men will perceive you as you perceive yourself. The Narc.in the Idealisation Phase showed you how to perceive yourself, so that a Good Man will love you as you deserve. Be grateful to the Narc. for this and Move On! Hugs Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
lillymarch
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You are a gift!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sep 9 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Tiger, your disordered one was

a stone cold FOOL to lose a gem like you! This is outstanding. This is the thought process we need to concentrate on. Shifting the focus off of THEM and onto US and our outstanding qualities where it belongs. I love this! We are way, way more interesting than those predictable, doomed, lost and empty liars, losers, manipulators and abusers! Thank you for posting this. It is outstanding and strong! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT TODAY. THE SICK FREAK IS DEAD TO ME. HE NEVER REALLY EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

spinning

Sep 9 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Tigerlily
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Yes, The sick freak never really existed.

But you did, and you still do! MILK the Narc. experience for all it`s worth. He milked you after all. Remember how beautiful, how irresistible he made you feel? That`s your True Self. He was the first undistorted mirror of your True Beauty. Remember You, forget Him, and move on. Hugs and kisses Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 2PM
Hunter
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Good job!

Good job!
Sep 9 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Tigerlily
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Thanks Hunter!

Thanx Hunter! You`re cool! What`s YOUR story? Love, Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
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Hunter

It's here somewhere! Old BF from 20 yrs ago! Finds me on FB, he's never married, gee that's a surprise! He's tied to his mom! I'm married, have to say I had no problems till this lying piece of shit returned last year! My husband doesn't know! Narc told me I was the love of his life Blah,blah.. When we were in college his fucked up mother stalked us until she tore us apart! I thought she was the reason for his departure! Turns out he's as nuts ad she is!! I still to this day believe what she did to is caused his mind to snap to the point of no return! As a highschool sophomore his father died suddenly in a plan crash all he was left with was he's insane psychopath mother! It could be a movie!! what that woman and he did to me 20yrs ago would blow you away! Hunter
Sep 9 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
Tigerlily
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More Power to Your Elbow, Hunter

Well I`m glad to see it didn`t blow YOU away, Hunter, because we narc-damaged critters need you. You`re full of piss, sorry, p**s and vinegar, I love that! More power to your elbow, although I personally prefer knees! You welcomed me when I was hurt and needy, you have a big heart. Thanx. Love Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Tiger, Join in on the fun !!

Tiger, Join in on the fun !! If you don't do the work and start whining be prepared to hear me roar! These idiots don't deserve the wonderful people we are! We deserve freedom and peace, it's possible to become whole again! NC, reading and thearpy does the trick! Hunter
Sep 9 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Yup, couldn`t agree more!

And I`d love to hear you roar! I`ve done a fair amount of roaring myself! And a couple of times my Narc. admitted to being afraid of me, probably the few times he was honest. Sometimes I did things that frightened him, even without intending to (like the time I hid in the attic, having driven my car round the corner so he would think I wasn`t there, because I felt too fragile to cope with his abuse. Problem was, I needed to pee, couldn`t hear anything so assumed he`d gone out, so lowered the ladder of the attic when he was standing more-or-less under it. I think that episode still haunts him in his nightmares; he was convinced I wanted to spy on him and NEVER believed that I was just hiding from abuse and by reasons of temperament just don`t have the patience to spy on ANYONE. The knee to his balls (without words) spoke volumes too. You`re great, Hunter. Take care. Tigerlily
Sep 9 - 1PM
Sparrow
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Aweseome post! Couldn't have

Aweseome post! Couldn't have said it better myself! You go girl!
Sep 9 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Tigerlily
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Sparrow should re-name herself "nightinggale"

Or "Bird of Paradise" maybe? Personally I love sparrows, but something tells me that "Sparrow" is rarer and more exotic than her name? Thanx for your answer, Bird of Paradise! And stay Sparrow, but for me you`re "Bird of Paradise"!! Love, Tigerlily