Something I still struggle with...do you?

all the joy and love and sharing i missed out on for over 10 years...and how disconnected I am now from people - its hard to start over but I am free.

Yes, I've thought about this often. I feel that I wasted 16 years of my life in misery because of my focus on xnh. It bothers me that those could possibly have been years where I was happy. Instead, I was crying myself to sleep at night, and worrying until I was barfing up blood, about what the NEXT lying, slimy, abusive thing that xnh was going to pull on me. Xnh was SO not worth any of it. Since I cannot get those years back, and they are lost forever, the best that I can do is move on and learn from my mistakes. I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way xnh treated me EVER again, and his 16-year reign of abuse will not define me, or my future. I firmly believe that, overall, happiness is a choice. You either choose to be happy, or you choose to be unhappy. Xnh chooses to be unhappy (and he perpetually IS unhappy). However, I am normally a pretty happy person. I love. I care for others. I try to be positive as possible. I CHOOSE happiness in my life. Hardship and bad things can happen to anyone, but how you deal with it is up to you. You can choose whether to be defined by your pain, or to overcome the hardships in a positive manner DESPITE it. When it comes to emotionally dealing with the time that I wasted on xnh, I can either regret it, wish for it back (which is NOT going to happen), and I can wallow in my loss, OR I can pick myself up from the dirt, learn from my mistakes, and work on making my future happy. Xnh does NOT get to waste one more second of my time. I will never get the time back, BUT at least I won't waste any more being miserable about that narcissistic turd. Therefore, I choose happiness. Xnh's abuse will NOT define me. He does NOT get that power. I want (and deserve) to be happy. Therefore (to quote Captain Picard from Star Trek), I'm going to do my best to "make it so".

I don't struggle with it. I accept that it is as it is. I could regret all the things I did or didn't do in my life, or I could learn from them and make the most of the time I have ahead of me. Why waste even more time dwelling on unhappiness of the past, or thinking your time was "wasted"? Everything we do in life can be looked at as time wasted, or memories to be cherished, or lessons learned that make us who we are today.

Mine was a long term marriage and st times I feel I wasted over two decades with the narc and all of the insanity that goes with it. I also think about what I could have done with that time and all of the life skills, experiences and joy that I missed out on. There was some good, and those memories will have a special place in my heart. I think in many ways I'm able to make peace with what I've gone through because of where it has lead me. There is an inner strength and resilience that I know I would not have gained otherwise had I not had to go through this. My senses are heightened now and when I have a joyful experience, the joy is so deep and magnified. My optimism is stronger than ever. I'm still healing, but I'm noticing something; I free to finally be myself and there is something so priceless about this fact. In many ways, I feel like a newborn that has a second chance at life which feels exciting and full of possibilities! There are blessings and lessons in every experience. It is possible to go through something like this but then come out of it better than ever. I think that has to be your intention, though, and once you decide, just wait and see what happens - your mind opens up and you'll notice good things coming into your life. You'll notice it more, and the joy and hope you feel will keep building. We only have so much time on this earth. I don't want to waste my time with regret. Instead, I choose to make peace with it and to take the lessons learned and build a new life. Letting go of the past is the first step.

I've never really thought about it before. I guess I've been so focused on healing and getting away from him that I don't think about that. Maybe that is coming for me?? Right now I'm just so damn thankful that I'm not wasting anymore time on him!!! Look at it this way.......yes, you wasted some time obsessing and loving a disordered ass-clown BUT look at all that you've learned from it. Also, look at all the new friends you've made on this site AND look at how many of us you have helped on this site. Don't worry about the time you've lost. Look at what you gained because of that time you lost. I met one of my best friends through the Narc. We are still friends today and she never sees the Narc anymore. She has pulled me out of hell more times than I can count because she knew him and understood what was going on. I bought her a card today and in the card I wrote that I was thankful that I met the Narc so I could have her as a friend now. I know that sounds nuts but I am so thankful for her. She is precious and an amazing friend. Look at the positives and don't waste anymore time or regrets or lost time. You can make up for that now. You've done an amazing job getting through all of this and you have been a huge inspiration to me!! Hugs! Sara

This is a very interesting observation Deirdre and I think it is the last thing I'm dealing with too. I seldom feel any of the other painful emotions that were part of my recovery anymore, but I still get upset or angry about how I could let my situation get so bad before getting to the point where I could finally stop caring about HIM and start focusing on my forward movement again. Oh well, Freedom101's comment is right, we can't rewind the past, but we CAN learn from it and make better choices for our future. This very well could be one of the last phases to heal in our recovery.

We have to remind ourselves we can't change the past. Even God doesn't have a rewind button. What we can do is change today though. Every day we wake up we are given an opportunity to be the best we can be for ourselves and our loved ones. The past has taught us valuable lessons that we can use to make today and tomorrow better. Our children are resilient creatures but also they are learning something from us seeing what we have gone through. I can say for myself, my daughter is remarkable. At 14 she has seen things I have done and put up with and kept her mouth shut because she loved me and wanted me to be happy. There were times when she'd stand up to him when I wasn't and tell him he was too defensive or wrong on something he said. I would let her because inside I knew she was right. By finally ending this, I have taught my daughter she is right. I have shown her a relationship that is wrong and she knows things I didn't know at my age, so she can make healthier decisions for herself. I have sat down with her and told her she was right and that she knows more about healthy relationships than I do, and she needs to keep that sixth sense and stand up for herself in her future relationships. My son who is ten once said, I like him, but I don't like the things he says to you. I don't like it when he makes you upset. I believe my son has a strong moral compass. My walking away has shown him when someone treats me bad the consequence is the end of a relationship. With what he recognizes as bad behavior and witnessing a consequence he will make a much better boyfriend/husband one day. There were lessons there for me and many lessons there for my children. I suffered a great deal, they suffered through my absence mentally, but perhaps I will save them from the suffering of having to actually go through one of these relationships themselves because they witnessed my mistakes. It's ok. Don't look to yesterday. Look to today and give yourself a pat on the back for doing a great job.

You're helping us. You rock Hunter