Breaking up with the Narc

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#1 Jul 17 - 11AM
petal
petal's picture

Breaking up with the Narc

Hello. I'm new to the site and shared my story yesterday. I had an especially awful and traumatizing experience breaking up with my ex Narc. I'm curious to know if anyone here has had a similar experience as mine.

I dated him for a year and half and broke it off with him 8 months ago. I'm still traumatized over how awful the break up was. During the last month of our relationship it was very obvious that he did not want to continue. I tried and tried to work things out with him but to no avail. This was the love of my life, the man whom I wanted to marry. I had no idea that he was a Narc at the time. This has been a recent revelation.

So I expected him to break up with me but he made me do it instead. I had enough and asked him to call me. He wouldn't return my calls and instead kept texting me. I pleaded with him to call me. I wanted to do it the nice way, to be as gentle as possible. Instead he kept texting me, would not call me. I asked if I could come over to his place to talk in person and he replied that maybe I should just come over and pickup my shit. So that did it. I broke up with him via text. In the next 2 weeks he sent me nasty and hateful emails on a daily basis. I sent him some emails as well, mostly defending myself but stopped after a few days. I asked him again and again to please call me. And finally after 2 weeks we talked.

So he has made a villain. Has told our mutual friends that I broke up with him via text, while he was unemployed (he lost his job 3 months prior to our break up) but omits the details that he made me do it this way. He then made me feel very guilty about this, rubbed my face in it over and over. We tried after our break up to be friends. He kept bringing up the break up, even after I apologized for the way it happened. I was so traumatized, it still doesn't sit well with me that I broke up with him in this way. I felt like I had no choice.

Has anyone had a similar experience as this? If so, have you made peace with it? I'm still struggling.

Jul 17 - 6PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

petal

In my experience it is impossible to get mine to say "That's it. It's over." In the beginning he was so mean and upset about something, being of healthy mind at that point in time, I assumed okay he never wants to see me again. And I would go away. That's the difference between someone normal and these guys that are abnormal. They are not done. They are never done. It HAS to be you that ends it even if that's not what you were intending at the time. They never really cut ties with you so that when they come back in the future they can say they were "just upset" or "you misunderstood" They are impossible to deal with, unless you are the eternal cheerleader.
Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
petal
petal's picture

Wow

I am realizing all of this ruby, wow. The best is NC all the way. I worry about running into him and the thought panics me because I know he'll try to be cool and friendly with me, pretend like everything is ok. I now see him for the narc he is and would not want to be near him.
Jul 17 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

breaking off by text

mine was always threatening me with a divorce. i got fed up. he was leaving for a conference & demanded a divorce again. i finally agreed--for the first time. he was happy. then later i told him that i would be moving into another room & when he came back from his conference (in another country) we would talk divorce. then he flipped. NO HE DID NOT WANT A DIVORCE. i said fine, go to your conference. and as he left for the airport, he asked for his wedding ring back. (he was always returning his wedding ring to me. i have it to this day.) when he came back, i told him. i'm finished. it's over. he got very angry with me that i did not send him an e-mail to that effect when he was abroad. i'm thinking he's angry at me because i am NOT discussing a divorce via e-mail when he's at a conference in another country! one can never do it right with these men . they are just so contrary. if the worst smear campaign you got was an insenitive break up by text, you are doing well -- i got "severely autistic, damaged in childhood, drug addict, obsessive compulsive, unable to communicate emotion," blah - blah. one learns who one's friends are at this time. i was with him exactly 3 years. I left him two years ago. i am still traumatized. i am doing very well. i am happier than i have ever been in my life. but the mindf**k -- i don't know if i will ever get over it.
Jul 17 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
petal
petal's picture

Smear campaign

He also called me bi-polar, manic, f***cking bitch and much more. I'm not sure what exactly he is saying to his friends but I know that he is using the line - she dumped me via text, while unemployed, before the holidays. It was a month before thanksgiving and the ass left me no choice but to dump him via text. Anyhow, I understand what you mean about learning who your friends are. Some of his friends are now my friends because they saw what he did to me, how he wrecked me, and recognized a pattern. He did something very similar with his ex and the pattern repeated with me. Probably will with the OW. I feel bad for her. I'm so glad you're happy :) I am mostly happy but still have some awful days here and there. It'll get easier with time but we won't forget, never.
Jul 17 - 1PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

petal

Yes, I did, a different version, but I wrote a bit about it in another post this morning. You did everything you could! Endings with Narcs are like this. They leave you absolutely confused and feeling guilty for what is really a no-win situation. They want to come out looking & smelling like a rose and make you the bad guy. So they start this weird dance which basically leaves you mindf*cked and dizzy, after spinning you in circles. They give you no adequate closure bc they're such cowards. Mine completely blamed me and turned everything around on me. It has taken me over three months, and am I at peace? I'm getting there and am so much better today. Do read about this disorder. That helped me a lot. I'm sorry this happened to you. Welcome:)
Jul 17 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I MOCKED him for being a coward!

I know, some will say "Don't taunt them after the final D&D" (yes, I've done that *raises hand timidly with sh*t-eating grin) and "Don't mock them." When I met the ex-Psych prof's girlfriend (he publicly humiliated me for declaring my love to him, he'd give me marathon public lectures, I'd be sobbing in front of classmates&professors), I COLDLY said, "If you told me you already had a girlfriend, you could've spared me A LOT of pain." He whined, coward as he is, "YOU put me in an awkward position." Soon, I'd stand there, laughing at him, saying, "What A MAN! Not taking responsibility for his actions!" I RIDICULED his inability to give closure. The way he treated me was MOCKED in the senior skit. It offended him so much he ran out when that scene happened. Don't worry- I gave him a blow-by-blow account the next day of what he missed. His cowardice gave me ammunition against him. I was sorta like the Rose McGowan character in "PLANET TERROR." She ends up wounded, damaged, she loses a leg. She ends up with a leg that's a gun to fight zombies. It drove him nuts. I know it did. That's why I did it.
Jul 17 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Yup, a narc at work! You did

Yup, a narc at work! You did nothing! Read,Read!Read. If he try's to contact you Delete,Delete,Delete! Once you've been here a while you will realize they all do the same BS! The problem is once we know the problem its too late! Wham,Boom,Bang look out Bat man!! Be Strong Follow the steps and heal Hunter
Jul 17 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
petal
petal's picture

Thanks

Thanks for the support. I've never had an experience like this. I've had a few breakups before but never to this degree. He took no responsibility at all for his actions and said he forgave me for the way it happened. But he kept rubbing my face in it over and over. I put NC in effect a few months ago. I'm keeping strong.
Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

After my final D&D, I would

After my final D&D, I would only communicate through text until the divorce was final. I could not chance him messing with my head again. I wouldnt feel bad about breaking up by text. Its kinda like NC starting at that point. It been 13 months for me and I am doing much better. It just takes time. The thought of a relationship is still scary from the experience (20yrs), so I havent even looked in that direction yet. I am happy being me and enjoying my drama free life. With the knowledge I gained from this experience, it has made my life much better. Keep reading and stay NC. Work on yourself, making a emotionally healthy and happy YOU!
Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Petal

You found yourself as We all did a psychopath. This is not normal, Healing is a process. I promise you will be ok. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Hunter