Never even got to 7... but I'm going to do 30 days

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 6 - 6PM

deecbee

Never even got to 7... but I'm going to do 30 days

I'm posting this as a thread mainly for myself- because I need to hold myself accountable for following through somehow. I'm sick and tired of this. At this point, I have no one to blame but myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the narcissist because it gets to the point where I'M hoovering HIM with all my attempts at contact when he really couldn't give a damn. I can't remember the last time I went longer than 7 days without contacting him somehow. An email, a facebook message, a text (or ten). Usually it's met with silence, but that never seems to stop my from digging myself into a deeper hole.

I've finally had it. The "friends" thing isn't working, and I knew it wasn't going to. All I did was drive him closer to his OW, erode all the progress that I had made. I had an angry, emotional outburst last night after managing to keep calm and aloof with him. I totally blew it. Now not only does he have the satisfaction of knowing how badly his actions make me feel, I am horribly depressed and ashamed at myself.

I went out with friends last night and ended up sending him a flurry of emotional texts after too many drinks. This morning, I dug myself into an even deeper hole and sent more. After no response, I sent 4 MORE about 15 minutes ago. Had I not thrown my phone into another room and logged onto this website, I'm sure I'd be about 10 texts deep by now, with no response.

I HAVE TO STOP THIS. I am a fool and even though I can give good advice on how and why to avoid these men, I can't follow it for myself. It has to end today. I'm getting very desperate and I'm tired of being the emotional, predictable bag of hormones. I'm sick of it.

I'm going for 30 days. It starts right now. It doesn't matter that he had the last word (once again) with his silence, it doesn't matter that I'm ending it on a note of defeat with him, it doesn't matter that he's over there feeling smug that I'm so distraught. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I draw the line somewhere, and that line is right

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#2 Jun 7 - 6PM

Hunter

Ok …. Ill be checking on

Ok …. Ill be checking on you. NO lies ! Hunter

#3 Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

deecbee

Lol, Hunter, I can always

Lol, Hunter, I can always count on you for a good, swift kick in the ass! :)

#4 Jun 7 - 12AM

michele115 (not verified)

You're obsessed because you were denied closure

You have Cognitive dissonance and you are fighting it, and it is manifesting in your actions...they don't call it crazymaking behavior for nothing, and PTSD is not a term that is to be taken lightly. It takes time to come out of the fog...somehow they bring out the "best" in us don't they? Hugs!

#5 Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

deecbee

Ain't that the truth. I

Ain't that the truth. I would never, ever let another man let me go to such ridiculous lengths as I have him. And I know that deep down I don't even LIKE him. It's just bizarre.

#6 Jun 6 - 9PM

wacaet

30 days is a great goal, a

30 days is a great goal, a lot can change in 30 days, especially if you spend the time educating or reminding yourself what you've learned about N's but, I know for me, sometimes it becomes a one minute at a time deal don't swear off forever, just put it off until later distract yourself, find something productive to do, come here and encourage someone else, take a bubble bath, do whatever you have to do to get your brain in a different spot it's what I had to do with alcohol and a little over 13 years of one day at a time later it's what I'm doing to get over the N

#7 Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

deecbee

Yes, it's definitely still at

Yes, it's definitely still at a "minute at a time" for me. Time crawls!

#8 Jun 6 - 9PM

gettinbetter

Geez have I struggled with

Geez have I struggled with this. It really is a horrible horrible addiction. Every time you feel the urge to contact him tell yourself HE IS A SOCIOPATH. HE WILL NOT CHANGE BECAUSE HE CANT. ITS IMPOSSIBLE.I SPEAK A LANGUAGE HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND. HE IS INCAPABLE OF GUILT REMORSE OR LOVE. SO THERE IS NO POINT IN CONTACTING HIM. and there really isnt. Many a therapist and psychiatrist have tried unsuccessfully to reform these people. They cannot be changed. I too had the urge tonite but I have gotten thru it by having that little conversation in my head. Hope it helps.

#9 Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

deecbee

That is such a good way to

That is such a good way to look at it! "Normal" people speak a completely different language that they aren't capable of understanding. Even when we're having a conversation with them... it's two totally different conversations to each person.

#10 Jun 6 - 8PM

TNR1

Be loving to yourself....

Remember that if these guys were so easy to get over we would not need boards like this one. There are several of us who have gone back to the N only to discover that the N doesn't change. Sometimes, you have to put your hand back on the stove in order to really "feel" the burn. Please, please be gentle to yourself..NC is not a goal but a journey..and each person has to get there on their own time. What you can do for yourself is to give yourself the love and caring the N never could and know that we are all here for you through your journey. HUGS

#11 Jun 6 - 6PM

ruby01 (not verified)

It's okay,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes when you try to force things (Like stopping) it seems to make them worse. It's all a process and every day is a clean slate. When the time is right it's going to happen and you really won't want to. It's not easy. Hang in there! Ruby

#12 Jun 6 - 6PM

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

deecbee

Especially after a few drinks, it is really hard to accept that anyone could be this cruel. It makes no sense. It's TOTALLY outside of the norm. I've dated some jerks in my time, but NEVER have I had to deal with someone who could sever an almost 2 year intensely loving (or so I thought) relationship in one instant without a word of warning--never to be heard from again! It's truly mind boggling. It's like shell shock. You know, you see films from the world wars of some poor soul in a psyche unit teeth chattering, repeating nonsense phrases over and over again. I think it's much the same thing. We're shell shocked and repeated texting is a bit like a hysterical reaction to trauma. One night about 2 months after the rejection I had some wine to drink and then went to bed. I started to writhe in bed, in total shock and grief...again. I did something I had never done before though. I found my hand, totally without conscious prompting reaching towards my head to pull out my hair, in fistfuls. Seriously. I've hardly cried about him but I could have torn all of my hair out if I hadn't had the presence of mind to stop myself. Stay close and don't underestimate what you have been through. This is extreme emotional torture. At least when prisoners are waterboarded it isn't done by people who claimed they loved them.

#13 Jun 6 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

deecbee

It is emotional torture.

It is emotional torture. Couple that with having a basically addictive attraction to your tormentor, and it's obviously an extremely difficult cycle to pull out of. I don't think I can drink anymore. That has been at the root of a lot of my contact with him. Even just a glass of wine weakens my resolve and drives me on a mission to set things right again. I'm just at a loss. Cried all night last night, face was red and puffy all day, and now I'm at it again.

#14 Jun 6 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

Deecbee

You have to do the "one day at a time" routine with alcohol and the narc. I never understood alcoholism before narc, I certainly know how people end up addicted to one to get over emotional trauma now. I have really grown in compassion. Try to think of even just one positive thing that came from this and it will be of great help to you. It's tough when you're deep in the sh** but it will help you get out. Bless you. Take care. ER

#15 Jun 6 - 6PM

wisdomlover

30 days

i'm new and don't really know what to say. all i know is awareness is the first step to a potential change in our distorted attitudes and behaviors. try to be kind to yourself if you can. try not to beat yourself up. you are making an attempt to stop by simply reaching out to this website and that's a bigger deal than what you think you've done wrong before. you're simply hurting and trying to find your way back to your higher self. it's okay to be where you are and to feel they way that you do. keep reading these blogs and other relevant information even way after you really get it. know that you are never alone. in the meantime, be well. take it one minute at time. then 5. then 10 and so on.

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