CLOSURE

The closure is our own - always! Self love and healing old wounds seems to be a good path from my experience and the stories of others. If you can't have a good loving relationship with a person because they are abusive, how can you can have a good, loving closure? I have had good closure from breakups, but we didn't D&D each other. Going back for closure is giving away her personal power. I am so sorry for your daughter's pain. She needs all the support she can get from people who are good to her so she doesn't scar and go back for more with another. Maybe even some counseling to keep her grounded and help her heal. She is in my prayers!

Narcs lack empathy and feelings and so they cannot connect even IF they wanted to... The second part to this is THEY don't want to because it is a key trump card in their "control" arsenal. It is about abuse and suffering and torture... Please try to get this through somehow to your daughter. It is a losing battle. It will NEVER come, or he'll use the moment to con her some more and hand her a second dose of D&D worse than before. Sorry she's suffering, but there really is nothing else that can be said. Is there a friend she might listen to? Maybe a friend could be schooled? I'm so sorry you and she are going through this. Hugs!

The ex-Psych prof REFUSED closure, even the "we're incompatible" talk... so I ended up forcing it. It's like I was shutting an elevator door... on his arm... with a smile on my face. A NORMAL guy would've apologized, given an explanation behind his actions, and yes, ended it. With Ns/Ps, they don't like endings, happy or not. Leo Tolstoy abandoned Sofia, his wife of 48 years and mother of his 13 children, without so much as a goodbye. When my Narc workplace of 5 years laid me off, all I got from the female Narc manager was "we put up with you"-talk about lack of validation. My morbidly obese Narc coworker had been written up/disciplined numerous times... I hadn't... yet I was the one being let go, and with some insult to top the injury. When it comes to lack of closure, I ran into the female Narc manager at the store last month. She mimicked me, followed me around... when I went to the cashier, she made a run for it. No normal conversation. No closure... but I wasn't expecting any.

Yes, the "closure" most assuredly is an excuse to reconnect. We will use just about anything to reconnect with our toxic drug. Have to get my things, I need to tell him something, I need closure ect.. You are right, there is no closure with a PD, only more lies. They never come clean. I could never get a straight answer from my father as to why various things went down and I tried for 30 years. I gave up about 10 years ago. The well is dry. When a Narc convinces those around you that it is in fact you not them, that you are bipolar, a psycho, crazy, a bitch, a nag, jealous, a bad girlfriend and all the rest of it, there is a natural inclination to try to prove him wrong. If I can just talk with him and make him understand that I loved him so much, that I am not crazy, please tell your friends the truth. As a woman you want to make things right, set the record straight, and get him to admit that he did in fact love you, that it was not all a game. These things are extremely difficult for anyone to sort out in their brain, let alone a young woman who has little experience under her belt. It is not uncommon for the dust to settle and for the victim to begin to want to remember things differently, he was not that bad, he had his reasons, maybe it was me too, afterall, I am not perfect either. YOu are 100% correct about this type of thinking and the sudden need for closure which is often the prelude to begining an open dialog with the Narc, at which point, it allows him to begin the manipulation process all over again, with how he didn't really mean it, he misses her so much, he'll never do it again, he is so sorry. Or he'll use the tactic of treating her like crap somemore and that set's up an obssession in the victim to try even harder to get him to understand. And thus begins the abuse cycle again and if she is not leaving for college until the fall this gives him the entire summer to suck her back in and then dump her right before she goes back to school, which of course will interfer with her studies. My narc robbed me blind and I had to drop out of school and he never mentioned it again, my well being and future was of zero interest to him. Our children are going to do what they are going to do. I don't know if it would help to explain to her some of the things we have just gone over regarding her future and how he will bring her down again and that they don't do closure, they just do more lies and betrayal. You can only try and hope and pray that she will listen and stay away from him. My best to you with this and let us know what happens and if you need any more support with this. God bless, Goldie

oh gosh, so young to be dealing with this ...i'm sorry! :=( My experience with closure. Whether it's a phone call, letter to the narc, etc. It doesn't ''work.'' It doesn't bring you closure, because the narc doesn't care about our need for closure. They don't even want closure, they want the door left open for future supply. That said. Closure to me, means...finding my own peace again. Forgiving myself for allowing someone to treat me badly. Moving forward with a life, absent of the narc, and any future potential narcs. Finding my own voice in this world. Closure is when you dig deep, and find the strength (through God) to make a new normal for yourself. And shut off avenues where the narc could potentially reach you. That's closure. She will get there. I just think a letter, etc will serve no purpose, and actually...may set her back in her recovery from this. {{hugs}} to you both!!!

I had my first D&D experience at her age. A boy that my family loved and I loved dumped me right before I went to Europe for 3 weeks, out of the blue. He said he just knew I'd cheat on him while I was gone. He told my mom it was because he was going off to college in the fall and couldn't stand the thought of being separated from me. I was so broken hearted I became pretty self-destructive. Keep a close eye on your daughter and try to get her re-involved with her friends if possible. Just knowing you care and you are there for her will make a huge difference (my own mom was oblivious!) I hope that your daughter learns about N's and grows strong and then carries the message to others!

This was me the first time I was with Jackass as young girl. Tell her to join some clubs, even if she doesn't know one person, get on with the life a 19 year old. WAHOOOOOOOO to be 19. Screw him. Tell her to find what she likes and never to take shit from any man ever. Tell her Hunter Said

I feel for you and your daughter. It would be really rough dealing with this at 19 and even more rough because her friends have turned on her. Please tell her from me that they are not her true friends any way and she will meet some amazing people when she goes off to college. Her life awaits her! Once she's at college she won't look back, him and those people truly won't matter anymore. In a way it's a good thing she's been exposed to this so young, she will hopefully make some great life choices when she has finished healing. As for her wanting 'closure' by seeing him, NO NO NO NO!! He will never give her what she needs. He will not validate, be sorry or want to change. He can't. It's impossible for him. The only closure she will get is within herself. Time and NC are unfortunately the only things that will give her that.

I agree that asking for/or feeling the need for a final meeting to get closure can be a trick played by ones ego to have a reason to see the narc once againm hoping beyond hope that the narc will magically see their error, have an awakening, and jump up and beg for forgiveness, spout platitudes of love and acceptance, and all will live in bliss happily ever after...could happen, wanna buy some cheap land? There is no closure with a person with a personality disorder. Our rules, systems, morals, sense of propriety, attitudes, empathy, sense of fairness, etc do not apply to them. They are disordered, seems to be degrees of sickness, but it just doesn't work out with these narcs. I am an alcoholic, and the only solution that works is abstinence, complete and total abstinence. Abstinence from the narc is the only thing that works, we call it no contact, period. How hard to live a sober life if I drank every so often, it just doesn't work that way, at all. It took awhile for me to get to a bottom sufficient enough for me to have that moment of clarity, and to realize that any booze was too much. One is too man, and ten is not enough. Back to narcs...they are toxic...they are the booze, we are the drunks...we will be done when we have that moment of clarity when we see the truth, that it will never be good again, and that only we can move past it. Magical thinking that the narc will change must be smashed, and I hope and pray we all get that awareness sooner rather than later. Chris