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Try to put yourself inside of their head...when they give you silent treatment

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#1 Apr 14 - 5PM
Deidre40
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Try to put yourself inside of their head...when they give you silent treatment

I was driving home today, apparently...nothing to do. :P So, I started pondering about narcs...and why some of you on here, have mentioned that they do horrible things...then, cut and leave you. Without a trace. Then, they resurface again in a few months to hoover.

I was reading today on another site, an article about psychopaths and narcs. I will post it here later, if I can locate it again. It was excellent. It talked about how narcs' view of love is such that when needs/wants are met (unreasonable needs)...they view that as the person loving them. If the needs/wants are not met, they don't feel love from that person. Not for that person--FROM that person. That's key. Let me give an example.

Before breaking it off with the guy I was just with...he would OFTEN say...''If you loved me, you wouldn't have said that.'' ''If you you loved me, you would have remembered what I told you about calling me at work, and wouldn't have done it.'' See? How he equated my lack of love with my lack of doing something he asked.

So, going with this. Think about the narcs that up and disappear on you. You then go NC, but it hurts like heck because they are in essence going NC, on YOU! So, you want to reach out and so on. I truly think the reason they do this, is because their needs are not being met. Not that you are not meeting them...but they are insatiable, these people. So, they leave. They look for new supply, ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. I have seen many of you say here...I can't believe he could just dump me and take up with someone else. Keep in mind, there probably is no love with this someone else. That person is just new supply. So, once that person fails to meet their needs...they will be back. Thus the hoovering.

Thus...this is why we MUST be vigilant in not believing their lies of ...Oh, I missed you so...take me back, babe. No...they don't miss YOU. They miss old supply. Their old stand by who's always there for them, supplying them with ego stroking, sex, and what not. DON'T FALL FOR THAT. OK? I learned tons from this article today...and hoovering is nothing more than a vulture coming back to see if there's any more meat left on the carcass they left behind. Seriously.

Just food for thought ladies. Stay NC...Because he will be back hoovering you most likely...and don't take it personally. He's (or she) is just not capable of anything better. But, we deserve better! Off to work out! :=)

Apr 15 - 9AM
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Nice! What you are writing

Nice! What you are writing makes a lot of sense to me and my situation. My narc was so "clumsy" in his hoovering and wanting me back that I quickly realized it wasn't really me he wanted, just "someone" I have promised myself I will not take him back again, ever.
Apr 15 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Deidre40
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Alisa

Hi Alisa! Can you elaborate on what you mean by 'clumsy?' I have a feeling I know what you mean. Last weekend, when the breakup happened...my ex started texting like mad...calling like mad...(and he was mad lol) ...and none of the texts or vm msgs were remotely kind. I look back at that as telling. They were rather demanding. ''Stop quitting, let's work this out!'' or ''Good job, you sabotaged this whole thing on your own.'' or ''You're a quitter and a liar. You said you wouldn't quit on me, and that makes YOU a liar.'' So motivating to make one want to return, no? lol NOT! Finally...he realized that wasn't working...and said he was sorry...he loved me...and to please come back to him. It was so calculated, though. As though he really REALLY didn't want to apologize but knew he had to if I was going to ever return. That to me was clumsy. Transparent. If yours did hoovering of this nature? He could be more borderline psychopath...because they tend to go into panic mode when they are hoovering...or when their victims just break it off with them. I've learned so much about narcs and psychopaths...it's amazing. I believe all psychopaths are narcs...but not all narcs are psychos. Just an aside.
Apr 15 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

But heres the obvious thing

But heres the obvious thing Deidre... Do you realize that all you end up talking about with these people is your relationship nothing else. You dont have normal conversations with then about your day or making plans it always becomes about the behavior and the realationship always because they always want to bring it back to the game. You see talking about everyday things does nothing for them they get nothing out of that
Apr 15 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

gettinbetter

Yes!!!! That's funny you say that. I was thinking one week ago today, I broke up with him. I remember we were talking about random things...and that led into how I called him at work, and I shouldn't have...and why don't I listen to anything he ever says...and YOU'RE SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL DEE...and I mumbled I'm sorry a 1/2 dozen times...and all I wanted was a NORMAL conversation. But, they do always make it about them, what you are not doing, and how you suck, basically. lol At the end of all that nonsense last Friday night...I said...''I think we should say goodbye.'' And he screamed...FUCK YOU! I should have gone NC from that point forward, but noooo...I must like torture. *eye roll* But, I hear ya...excellent, excellent point. At first, we could talk for hours about anything. The last few weeks, it was a struggle to stay on the phone, and when we did...it was always about the relationship, and how if I could just 'try harder' to be more understanding, more loving...more more... Everytime I start missing the good stuff...I need to remind myself of how exhausting it was to be with him! Thanks for your note here! {{hugs}}
Apr 14 - 8PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

You are right on D...great

You are right on D...great work! What a good post for me to read today :) Hope you are doing well! hugs, strength and peace ~KG
Apr 14 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

KG

Oh I'm so glad dear KG! {{{hugs}}} I am proud of you...you didn't respond to that chicken soup bullshit email. haha That's what we're doing to dub it. :P It helped reading that too. My exN did not leave me high and dry...without a trace. I left him. I'd honestly say, his behavior mirrors more of a psychopath with narc tendencies, than just a pure narc. But, still. Now that he's fallen silent, I felt the need yesterday to reach out. He reached back out to me...twice. Blasting me both times...but, in reading what I read...it makes perfect sense as to why they disappear on some women, without a word. Because they realized the woman can't accomodate them. But, NO ONE CAN. They would likely go through every woman on earth, if they had that much time alive...searching for their needs to be met. In your situation. She sounds like a psychopath. Seriously, KG. Reaching out to bring back a memory--was designed to hurt you. Toy with you. Like a cat and mouse. Read the link...it even mentions a cat and mouse! lol I just think that for psychopaths, they LIKE TO HEAR that their victims are in angst. Which is why silence is deafening to them. My ex likes knowing (now that I told him) that keeping my pics up on his profile bothers me. (They are still up by the way...I looked tonight at my profile, and what's cool is there is a way to view your pics on others' profiles without going to their profiles...yay!) lol
Apr 14 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

That is so funny.....how lame

That is so funny.....how lame would that have been if I got sucked back in by a bullshit chicken soup email?!? LOL! Yes...links like that are so helpful. It's so hard for normal feeling people to understand minds so twisted. It helps me to feel that I'm not being cruel. I just don't like the idea of making someone feel as awful as I have felt....but she doesn't feel like that. They just move on to the next source! Thanks again for all the support today....and I'm so sorry that you may be losing a friend as well :( But you do what you have to for YOU...protect yourself! hug for you D! ~KG
Apr 14 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

KG

Yeah...sadly KG? They don't feel like we do. They only feel...control vs non control. And when they are in control of a situation or person--they feel no pain. When they are out of control, they feel pain. In order for you to make her feel no pain ...you'd have to respond. But, to that end...she would feel she has control again. And because they are insatiable. They need more and more control. I likened how I felt to feeling in a vice. Like being squeezed for every drop of my dignity. :=( Silence kills the psychopath's plot. She probably is seething. Think of the wild. e. coyote from the road runner cartoon when you think of this woman. lol! His plans were always getting ruined. lol Oh, I'm funny. Sadly...and I mean this. I have compassion for these people. I would love to know what on earth happened to them, that rendered them like this. Take care, and thank you for your kind words! Have a blessed night. {{hugs}}
Apr 15 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

You're funny D! My N would

You're funny D! My N would woo even Wile E. Coyote....they can go off into the sunset and have mutts together for all I care :) I agree with you.....after everything I still have compassion for her. She's sick and twisted and miserable. There's no help or cure for her and that actually makes me sad for her. She'll have no personal growth...she's incapable. I don't want to add to her misery, I don't feel vengeful. I honestly just want to be left alone at this point. That's how I feel today....never know how I'll be ten minutes from now! :) ~KG
Apr 14 - 5PM
gettinbetter
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Here's the thing Deidre if

Here's the thing Deidre if you do meet their needs consistently they will resent you and lose all respect for you. They simply cant respect anyone who would cater to likes of them. They figure you must be damaged goods and no longer have any desire for you. You simply can win with these men. Everything with them is damned if you do damned if you dont.
Apr 14 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

sick of it

You're so right, sick of it!! When I would get off the phone these past few weeks with ex N...my head would be spinning. Like there was a night I felt faint! I was at the gym, and because he had to go to bed early to get up early...I would call him from the gym. Cut into my workout, to listen to how awful I was...or what I did wrong...or he'd hang up. UGH! And there was never any warning. It would come out of the blue. Here's an example...I changed something in my workout one night. That deviated from his workout routine that he made for me. I mean...one tweak. I get the reason why you stay with the given routine. I'm pretty strict. But...one little tweak? He went nuts! Told me I 'don't ever listen.' Told me...''I'm done helping you.'' And this went on and on and on...and he made me promise to not add anything different to the workout. I did like a dummy. Then, somehow...he kicked it back into an argument...I guess wanting me to beg for forgiveness...which I was not going to do. And he hung up. (he never asked for forgiveness, but you know what they're looking for when you're in the middle of these types of fights with N's) I didn't call him back. He was frantically texting me...telling me that I break promises. It was surreal. I remember I was walking through the grocery store...looking at my phone, reading these insane texts. And thinking...what the fuck are you doing with this man, Dee? I look back at these instances as if they were last year, but they were only two weeks ago! lol I think my mind is finally separating from this man. Had it not been for you kind people here...I might be very lost still with him. I thank you all for your help and encouragement!! It's so nice to come here, and be heard...and understood.
Apr 14 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
onwithmylife
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sickofit

WELL PUT!! He said once here we are two losers, even thought piped up, i am not a loser, and once i asked him why is it whatever I do is never enough???You are right damned both ways and you can never do enough or win with these losers, they are totally screwed up.
Apr 14 - 5PM
onwithmylife
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Deidre

hope you can find that article to post for us, it sounds great!the minute you stop meeting THEIR needs ,off they go disappear and may or may not be back, mine I know will ever be back because i found out' who he is' and he knows that, before however, he did come back many times when I was still clueless.i said once to him,' why whatever I do for you, is it NEVER ENOUGH', he said nothing, did not even look at me.