Long Distance Relatinships

Michele isn"t going anywhere because she knows my arse will come get her..lol..If I have to send her a DUSTPAN in the mail I will..hahah xoxoxo

i guess for me, I hardly get out because im sick all the time and I'm left with nothing but being online, so its easy for someone to suck me in. But I can say I am very happy I never met up with this person and they he was "vexed" about meeting up with me (as he put it). *** rolling eyes *** I dodged a hollow point bullet. It grazed me just a bit, but it cold have hit a vital organ This man for all I know could have been sizing me up, figuring "hmmm she just lost her father, I'm broke, so she may have had money left over to her and she has her own place". Even though I can stand here and say that would have never happened because I didn't have feelings for him, but had I not been smart and asked him about himself, that could have happened down the line. So technically I'm glad I "fished for a story", cause I found out the truth. These online relationships, which are not all bad, but you never know who or what you are meeting up with and it can be dangerous.

All the best to you michelle it is unfourtunate that after a dispute of any kind..you have to leave..all the best to you!

The good news about being in a LDR??? The narc can't come knocking on my door tonight! :P Have to look at the positives, michelle. hahaha Not sure why this thread went sideways like this...I can understand some being offended...but, just because someone would never venture into a LDR and asks why someone else would...I wouldn't get offended. Don't take things too personally, ladies...we are all here to support each other. This NC stuff is hard...let's remember we're here to get each other through. :=)

Michele, I don't want to hash it anymore because you know I luv you and we totally connect and are from the same path..So I was just a little thrown off..But that doesn't mean I think you aren't doing a good job as a moderator..I don't agree with anyone thinking that.. I don't know what else is going on here but maybe me just telling you something sister to sister triggered something else or something else was going on here before I re-signed on.. We are all having a rough time and I think we should ALL be careful how we talk to one another.If I speak for us,I can say we don't need to go head to head with each other... I honestly think a debate on here isnt good for any of us..We all have strong opinions and are trying to keep our strength together to fight other things..not each other.. you know I luv you and appreciate you and I am sorry i brought it up..i didnt think it would spiral out of control like this.. Today i'm just trying to get my strength..i showered,ate,just trying to not get triggered anymore with my thoughts.. let's all forget this happened and realize we are each other's strength..since we can't lash out on the N's I feel sometimes we lash out on each other just like family does.. I forgive you and I am sure you forgive me..Let's reach higher and let this go..xoxox

Vain Encounters is not the only forum that deals with victims of Narcissistic Abuse...I am sure we all know that. In order to try to assist, I try to read up as much as I can. We all have different experiences, so in order for me to understand some of the dynamics, it is important to me that I become as informed as I can so that I can relate. Early on, and throughout there has been commentary or better yet, ADVICE not to use dating sites because of the high incidence of pathologicals trolling the sites. It has also been advised that we not try to date too soon. In fact, I remember very clearly it being stated it takes 18 months to get over this "trauma" on other sites I have also seen themes of long distance relationships and many also advise against that. I do note the thousands of sites that offer advice on how to make long distance relationships work. This leads me to conclude that there must be many who have problems in that area simply by following the simple principals of the Law of Supply and Demand. Despite that, I witness people mentioning they're on dating sites, and doing all kinds of things well before the 18 month suggestion. In this case, suggestion is not a subtle command as we really can't control what anyone does, we can only try to help. That being said - as someone who no longer feels under the same duress I felt when I first landed here, when I read things I read them objectively. When someone is engaged in an activity that does not seem healthy for them - I think it is the right thing to do to try to open up a discussion with the hope that others as well can chime in and provide insight and/or commentary. I read my post, and yes, it was a combination of some of the things I've witnessed - BUT it did not single anyone out. It was a general discussion. While I understand there are triggers sometimes, it seems that for some reason, when I post something, it becomes a major offense to some. AND to be blunt, I cannot figure out how the hell to revise this statement so any one particular individual doesn't feel this is directed towards them, but I will say this IS NOT FOR SHORTWAY...and can't find all the other threads instructing excactly how I should formulate my words so as not to "trigger" anyone...but of course, I'm not human I can take abuse...right?...NO think again...when one points fingers, there are three pointing right back at you...consider that a parting gift from me, to whomever it applies. On the other hand, I received a number of private messages, and in a number of those private messages, members have expressed their support for what I do, the topics I raise and they say they are hesitant to post on the forum but would prefer to communicate with me in private because they don't want to get caught up with some of the "tension" that is on the board. That concerns me. While flattering to the "ego" I want the board to be in the forefront - and if any elect to comment please include the many times when I encouraged you to "GO BACK TO THE BOARD" rather than deal with me one on one. WHY? Because I have a thing against "guru's" and I don't want to be one. I want to help, but I want each of you to have as much insight and as much input from others so that YOU can make a decision that works for YOU. That is what a facilitator does. AND do not be alarmed if you find yourself wondering...is she talking about ME??? Let me say this...there is one of me and many of YOU I have interacted with...it is a general statement. I raised a concern about the climate on the board myself a few nights back - I don't think anyone responded - but to date, the "tension" continues. In fact, someone even messaged me "joking" are they still picking on you?...it is evident that things are not healthy here. AND it is my hope that that individual will refrain from identifying themselves the same way I have maintained confdentiality for every person I've discussed things with in private. BTW - I take confidentiality VERY SERIOUSLY and was rather peeved that my character by a third party decided to distort the facts not being privy to the whole story - yet somehow...I suppose I should have kept quiet, as I presume moderators just have to take crap...and I love how many times individuals have felt the need to tell me what my job is as moderator and the indirect comment about me being napoleon just takes the cake...although at this point since I'm no longer mincing my words I'd have to say it was the most classic case of projection I've ever experienced. There have been a number of times that I thought about leaving, but I chose to stay simply because I felt that there were others that would benefit from my help. The truth is, I feel more protective of the newcomers simply because they come here shell shocked having NO idea just what the heck hit them. I have made this clear to Lisa that is where my concern lies, and it is my hope that if anything has come from all of this drama...that the newcomers will be treated with a little more understanding, compassion and tenderness by some who at times showed a lot of "forgetfulness" of that stage. This to me is not a popularity contest, or a social scene. I take my recovery seriously, and am doing my best to do what needs to be done to heal. Equally, if I sense that someone is running in front of the bus, I try to get them out of the way. They have the choice of insisting to get hit, or coming to the side and arguing with me. AND I have had a number of arguments here too but you know what -I don't have an issue with an argument as long as it is respectful and we are not slinging mud. I am sickened to witness...yes, literally sickend to see some that feel a little better get off on insulting and degrading others all in an effort to feel better about themselves...and again, I'm not mincing my words here because to me, this is GOODBYE and this is only for those who have engaged in those behaviours and yes, I can risk being outspoken because this isn't my site. The worse that could happen is Lisa says: Michele you are BANNED! AND that is okay, because I have a right to defend myself and let people know I don't deserve this treatment. Equally, when I have screwed up, I have apologized. IN fact, I've written private notes to some that "claim" being offended, and they did not respond but continue to stir the pot of SHIT. That to me, is bullshit. Say what you mean and mean what you say or shut up and no one can say I never apologized or reached out when someone has said: Michele, you stepped on my toes!...I embrace being human and yea, I'm gonna screw up...A LOT! and that is perfectly okay with me. I understand that this whole situaiton causes each of us to lash out in different ways. Equally however, I have also believed it is a team effort to recover and while the question has been raised "who is the common denominator" in all of this, and the implied statements of "patterns" by others let's just say I would have respected you more had you stepped up to the plate directly and addressed the thread I created a few nights back and were woman enough to confront some of the challenges instead of keeping the bullshit going which now I will say publicly seems to be the pattern. That being the case, whether I am right, whether I am wrong, I know I've done my best to be of service to this forum to the best of my human ability. Equally, when I have seen that there were "personality" conflicts, I have made it my business to stay away and not "inflame" an already obvious sitation. I cannot say for certain that respect has been reciprocated and I do feel I have been the target of a number of snide remarks. Except when I've seen what appears to be abusive, intimidating, bullying behavior...GASP! OH MY!! HEAVENS!!! SHE WENT THERE!!! Yes I did. I won't tolerate it. I was a victim of abuse and while we all suffer trauma and act out our crap...if someone pulls your coat and says take it easy...then take it easy or detach. Do not keep it going. My behavior last night was a disgrace...to continue to go toe to toe on BULLSHIT! Yes I will openly admit that - but I have had enough! AND the only way sometimes to get people to cut their crap is to confront. AND that is what I did. AS PART OF MY RECOVERY FROM MY TRAUMA. AND lets not candy coat this and call it a trigger, no it wasn't a trigger, it was outright disrespect and someone instigating SHIT let's call a spade a spade once and for all! This is not a paid position, I am not customer service. I do my best to represent the leadership team, but when the pain outweighs the pleasure, it's time to move on. I have bitten my tongue a number of times for the morale of the board, and I find I can't do that anymore. I too am a victim of abuse, I too have the same ability to "act out my shit" but I do my best to refrain. The number of people that have thanked me, contacted me in private, and have on threads, indicated they feel they were helped, is validation for me enough that I have done a good job - but at this juncture, it seems my tenure here must come to pass. Lisa, I thank you very much for the opportunity, but more than that I thank you for my healing as well as everyone else on this board, including those who have "triggered me" WHY? Because I am finally aware, that I can speak up and defend myself and not take shit from anyone that isn't mine to own. I wish all of you the best in your journey.

Initially I jumped at Shortway because essentially in her "emotional state" she did not remember exactly what we discussed; however, I have that posting and it did not even mention her long distance relationship. I will not divulge what it was about but I do have the thread just as she does and can check. let's clear this up..In my thread 24 hours prior..I discussed with you and other my LONG DISTANCE situation..You even stated that you thought he might want a green card..My emotional state had nothing to do with that..My words are being jumbled..I said in my emotional state I didn't know your situation had to do with a man who was with someone.. Had you said"Can someone tell me how long distance relationships work,etc..isn't there an open window for narc behavior etc..Ok..then I would tell you of my 10 years experience of it.. Just the fact I posted a thread pertaining to my Long distance sitaution and how I was suffered saying 20hrs before this post.i found it ironice..ANd that is fine..But I felt you went to town... Calling then illusions.etc-Stating "If you really want a relationship, why not go the traditional route and actually try to obtain something TANGIBLE and within a reasonable distance? I mean in some cases…cross continent? How does that work? You make plans with a virtual stranger and get tied up in knots when they decide they’re not ready to leave, not their city, not their state but their COUNTRY?...no ladies, I think some of us have it wrong." When I had just stated that he was to be coming here this month from another continent and now he isn't...It was kind of harsh..and too ironic for it to be about something else. So thats that..I forgive Michele..and her and I have a good bond on and off this board which is probably why I was thrown off.I don't know anyone else's situation with her.. I have been suffering severe anxiety attacks where my mother had to come over and help me not stop breathing...I am in no shape to hear any of these words on here..I am trying to fall into a deep depression about what has happened to me in the past 6 mths.. So let's just all get along..lol

Seriously ladies......can you fight somewhere else?

I totally agree. Unless a foundation has already been laid prior to the relationship becoming long distance......the chances of the relationship having any real validity, is next to nil. I think it is a very rare circumstance where these types of relationships actually work out.

So you agree Tlsm and onlychild and others is not apart of this either? You have found a misunderstanding ..your right you can fix that..but I have not..its pretty clear to me... Tip 2: Discussions who have means of being private..should be so privatly..through private messeging.it is a very easy and efficient tool to use in these cases Now because you did not label this thread " only for shortway" This thread.is still open to me.. Again nothing was resolved on here..having proof is childish..if you have proof of something let it be a serious matter..but a discussion is unnecessary to anounce you have proof.. Fb has no connection to me... You open a thread stating long distance relationships ..allegidly speaking to all of us..thats what you received a response from all of us.. Now because you and shortway got into a conflict on the way..doesnt mean its private or a private discussion..this type of thing happens all the time on the boards..its not private.. Private is for private messeging...not public boards for all members..thats discriminating..

"Sorry..I feel I have shared my story with you personally offline and online and you just bashed it without even telling me by putting a post on how long distance relationships are this and that.." The above statement by shortway seems to sum it up..it seems like I didnt miss anything at all and it definintly is the case