Michelle you are a moderator..your specific work ethic on here is to moderate..conflicts etc..now if you do not know how to moderate your own conflict..then you may be a bit off...
Your reputation has know reason to be effected..you are getting yourself into conflicts..i have nothing to do with that..
My comment on here was directed to Shortway not Michelle..you placed your reputation on the line to challenge me..
Now when I take your challenge all of a sudden your reputation is at risk..
Michelle I would be glad to retire from this conversation..specifically for your reputation..because I have never encountered such drama and over the top performance such as with you..it will be soothing to retrete..
I saw something about a apology requesting by you I beleive..i will just take that as you being under the wheather or something..because to beleive a open discussion that was created for everyone needs a apology from everyone..is displeasing and insane to even comment on.
I would sum this convo as "sureal" and incapable of growth
Get well..
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
I beleive in our way of finding relationships and longterm love that one should freely do as one please..with caution of course..if you want to be in a long distance relatiinship..do with caution if you want to date the guy next door do with caution...
Shortway.. I understand your concern..if I was privatley discussing something private and all of a sudden its on the boards..i would be alarm also..i definintly see your concern
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
I read the entire thread...never did I mention I did not..according to short way this was spoken behind the scenes and also she posted her story about it...i dont beleive I missed anything...
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
All in all.I can only hope for everyone on here to have the love I recieved from the guy I was seeing long distance..And seeing each other,travelling,meeting each other's family,keeping in contact..travelling the world to be with that ONE and only person..who distance couldn't get in the way of.I had the best most loving honest caring deep man..My family would say they loved how he was with me and that he was just enamoured the way he would LOOK at me..He saw my true colors,was so very sensitive and just loved haring my voice..This is what kept us together for 7 years and a bond that isn't and was never broken..Distance IS an illusion.I am closer to him alone then I was next to my Narc.I will forever size up any man to him
He never raised his voice to me,would get upset to see me upset,flew across the world to see me,kissed the ground I walked on.Held my hand 7 years in and would kiss my forehead all day..Treating a woman how she wshould be treated.And even though our circumstances are difficult I love him to death..i would and did anything to see and be with him adn so did he.I could only hope for others to have such a strong love..I know I will never again experience what I experienced..And as for having sex..with a long distance..Yes we did and it is possible. This is a man who would cry during making love because he loved his woman so much..So we should all be so lucky..i jsut wish that for all of us again..
What???????maybe I missed something about your story..I did not know that..Not a low blow..I didn't know that..You didn't tell me in talking...
I was trying to find like a different topic where one would become offended say if someone lived it..that was all..Not yours..
I don't roll like that..You know how I talk and I don't do digs at all...
Noting how this is a board and how by coincidence there are people that have been involved with married narcs...and then said "You know what I mean, especially since my story is posted."
I'll take you at your word Shortway...
Let's just call it a truce...but I will say, whether you agree with what I say, or what anyone else says, unless you are feeling "saturated" or "triggered" it is not helpful to you to throw your hands up and threaten leaving because you don't agree.
Bottom line, this is YOUR recovery and there are hundreds of members on this forum you can interact with.
I wouldn't let anyone including ME interefere with that.
I just didn't know anyone else spoke with you about a Long distance situation during this 24 hr.time span..i was like wtf..why is she going at my situation when she knows I'm having the worst day ever with anxiety attacks..i haven't even been on this board in a while and you know I was doing great..So I was like wtf!!....
I'm sure if you shared with me(which I really don't know why I don't remember he was married,probably because when I was reading your story I was so wrapped up in my ex-N and your pain...I missed that detail..So I just know that you would feel the same way had I the next day said"I don't get it,why do people go with married men"..Or something like that..When clearly.it doesn't resonate as something I would focus on in your story..i was focusing on your pain...So I just felt you were doing a shout-out to my stupidity for being in a long distance relationship..But I will also take your word..i guess..lol...All good..
Ummmm because I JUST posted within 24 hours about my long distance situation..and then there is a thread pertaining to it..Not being a rather common discussion for a thread on here.I guess it's like if someone was in a relationship with a married man who was an N and discolsed it with the board..then someone starts a thread saying" please tell me how it works!!"..i just don't get it..and all these other things..that's what I mean...
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about...and it doesnt have to do with other postings..anywhere else..yes I am taking a break from this board..again..
with a married man?...I'd be happy to tell you how it works...
Where shall I begin? I don't do cat fights and that was a low blow.
But I do think it is a bit of a presumption to assume that this thread centered around you.
BY THE WAY...Please note: MY STORY WITH THE MARRIED MAN is posted under MY STORY...so anyone who is curious, I would rewrite it and update, but I do have carp. tunnel syndrome.
Wondering however, if such stupidity on my part makes me less of a victim?
PS. His wife did confirm however, that their marriage had been dead for 18 months prior - she might have been a member here...nonetheless, married, not married a narc is a narc...
How you choose to handle your recovery is completely your perogative.
It seems that at times everyone has to take a break. By all means, do what you have to do and we'll all be here when you get back.
But michele...you are saying you are not referring to her because they lived together and then were distant..As I hav shared with you I met my 2 long distances..first and then we were distant...Then we made it work..Well the last time...I agree distance is an illusion..
Yes i am very offended still.Sorry..I feel I have shared my story with you personally offline and online and you just bashed it without even telling me by putting a post on how long distance relationships are this and that..
1-I didn't need that right away
2-I have massive experience in this subject and it degrading some healthy relationships people have with friends/lovers/acquaintances that are distant..It isn't our faults..I have spent alot of money and time with my ex..The best time and money I ever spent travelling and to be with him..No illusion there whatsoever.He was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Hi shortway2.
There are several people here who have had LDR, including me.
In fact, Michele115 has helped me tremendously-off the board and she is totally aware of my LDR with ex narc.
Infact, I private messaged her last night because I was having a very bad day. The LDR issue was brought up into the mix of another issue I was dealing with.
When I saw this thread today, not once did I think it was about me-even though we private messaged eachother at length. I personally think its important to discuss because it was an issue with me and without a doubt I know with other people I've responded to here and bonded with because of it.
Its great you had a good,healthy LDR! You are very lucky and blessed to have such great memories! :)
But for those who had nightmare issues, like me, it was important this be discussed. It made me realize I chose the LDR for my own intimacy issues and it was important that I face that.
Please don't take it personally. I haven't been here that long, but I believe Michelle had the best of intentions to help those who had hellish LDRs and to make us look at ourselves, like I did, that it WAS an illusion and I created prince charming in my head, when he was prince alarming the whole time!
Asshole.
Best of luck to you. It sucks we are all here, but it has save my life and I'm so grateful for all the help and advice I've received.
I think I misunderstood what you meant by bashed so I edited the post...because I misunderstood and responded accordingly...based upon my error.
You did share your story with me, that is true, but this was not about you specifically.
If you go back on the threads to time before even us and other sites, you will see this theme re-appear over and over and it seems to be something worth addressing.
If you are a proponent, and you can make it work, then you leave whatever you feel does not apply...this is not about YOUR specific situation.
Equally, you gave your input on how to establish narcdar with long distance relatinships and nobody had anything to say against your position...
SO I guess I'm trying to figure out here what you are trying to establish...is this acting out on emotion, do you feel everyone should not be down on LDR's...what is the root of this?
This is a general discussion, and not at all about you. However, I am feeling a bit defensive as what we discuss in private stays private.
You have every right to your opinion, as I do mine. I have stated very clearly this is not personal, this is not about you and I have apologized TWICE if you were offended.
I will stop at that because it seems no matter what I say, it's going to be unsatisfactory.
There really isn't much more I can do other than to say that it's not personal and we all have choices. If this triggers you, then you have the choice to elect not to read it. I am looking at the rest of the contributors to this thread and no one seems offended. I do realize you are having a bad day, and so maybe it might do better for you to step away from this thread but that is not to say butt out of it rather that it seems to really bother you.
I guess i just don't see the correlation at all.But everyone has their own opinion..
To me,I felt more distant in the same room as my ex-Narc than anywhere or anything..I just think we have these lightbulb moments that really are just a broad generaliztion..
For me at least and I believe for the LDRs who met through match.com...or other dating sites, they are a playground for narcs.
Not all men on dating sites are narcs, but there sure seems to be a lot of them there! Its the perfect situation to meet their prey! My ex N responded to my wink on match because he thought I was beautiful, but more importantly, he could tell by my profile pic, by my face, that I was a vulnerable girl, with just the right confusion. Those were his exact words!I thought wow, he KNOWS me! Its fate!
LOL!!! Duh! Predator!
Isn't that scary-creepy?
I live in N cal. My ex N lives in S cal.like I mentioned, we met on match. I winked at him first because guys here were not doing it for me(probably normal nice guys that I blew a chance with cuz I love narcs! BLAH).
Anyways, part of me liked that he lived so far away so that I could have my space while fantasizing about him!
Hello!!! illusionandidealism dot com!!!
And that is exactly what happened.
I really have to look at that!!!
And as soon as I was with him for more than an hour, my body and my instincts were SCREAMING at me that something was wrong and to run for the hills!
But I'd stay involved, because when I was away from him, I created the perfect man in my head.
He was awesome, btw!!!
So awesome, I stayed with illusion for over 4 years.
AND on top of my own created man, narc was fooling me with his pretend perfect self. Yikes. No wonder it lasted as long as it did!
We would see eachther once or twice a month. He'd fly up here and he'd fly me down there
Great at first, but the more I got involved and time went by, the more desperate I became and had to see him all the time. I became addicted to him-even though I knew something was off with him.
The more he would pull away, the more I wanted him and convinced this was the real deal.
Red flags waved all over the place starting with the first time we talked and continued for 4 years. We didn't meet until 2 weeks after initial wink. But before we met, he told me he loved me after the third or 4th day of talking!!! And sent me 3 dozen roses within 4 days.
Who does all that before meeting?
NARCS!
Bottom line, I chose to have a LDR and he did too. I couldn't move down there cuz of my daughter and he couldn't cause of his youngest daughter. We would have to wait until my daughter is 18. She is 7 now!!! It was an impossible situation.
But he wanted to marry me a month ago and have a long distance marriage...
Yeah, I bet he did! So easy for him to fuck around!
Most of LDR I have ever heard of did not work out, but some worked out.
The reason they worked out is because one of them was able to relocate as soon as they could- didn't wait for yrs to drag on - but some of us, like myself, couldn't. Plus I was dealing with Satan.
Oh yes! I read that borderlines and narcs tend to have LDR!!!
So I get Micheles post. It rings very true to my situation.
And I need to find out why I chose someone far away!
Sorry so loooong!
Mine situation was similar to TLSMs in several ways. We met online (not Match), I'm in N MI, he was in S MI, I messaged him and we emailed and phoned for a month before we met. Before I met him in person, he told me he loved me. I was sent a huge poinsettia (December). I believe he targeted me. There were the great compliments I was "hungry" for. He would visit me (drove) and stay in my duplex for several weeks (he's retired) and when he went back home, I would rest up. All that talking, chaos, drama was exhausting along with my regular duties. I had a part time job and an elderly mom in a nursing home. He talked about marriage, wanted to get me a large ring (we argued about it because I didn't want one and felt he was trying to show off), but I didn't feel he would follow thru. I told him I thought if it got right down to it, he wouldn't marry. So far, since his divorce, he has broken up with at least 6 women or they broke up with him.
Sorry to attach self-esteem issues,this and that..I am finding we just want to assoicate everything with a NArc..Oh he's 50 minutes away..THAT's it..!!..it's the distance...No..a jerk is a jerk..period..done
To me this is the most far-fetched idea possible.I have had two long distance situations because I work in two countries..I spend time in two countries.I developed the deepest,most sincere,respectful relationship I've ever had with someone long distance.When you want it to work, you will make it work no matter what..
To imply that because someone is distant there must be some sort of fantasy,illusion,magic trick going on .NO.It is called two people meeting and really connecting and being screwed because they happen to live in different places.
I've sat next to my ex- N on a sofa and felt more distant then I have ever felt with a long distance situation.If you have never had any,you really don't understand the potential of one..To me it is the opposite.YOu build a strong spiritual connection,NOT always based on the physical because you aren't judged so much for it.When it comes down to it don't you want someone who loves you for your spirit?????..not body and sex...For me I met someone abroad years ago we had the best thing anyone could ever ask for.It is by far the best thing that ever happened in my life..Distance between two people does not have to do with miles,it has to do with the distance between the heart....Haven't you ever watched you've got mail.etc..There isn't a fantasy there is a connection people can make and SHOULD make based on spiritual+their soul..
In your case you say you WORK in two different countries, so you are back and forth...so you meet you spend time and you carry it on from there.
I'm talking about someone who carries on a relationship with little opportunity for one on one quality time...
In between the space...what does one have at thier disposal to judge WHOM they're dealing with?
LOOK - flip side, I'm going to USE idealK's counter...MY NARC wasn't in my backyard - he was in MY BED EVERYNIGHT!!! for four years...and it turns out I didn't know him...
SO coming out of what we've come out of...allegedly being cautious and "learned"...how do we spot those subtle red flags with the DISTANCE factor?
I've read where your comments here have offended but I think you're absolutely onto something and glad you've posted your thoughts. I guess I should be one of the offended here as I was in a long-distance with my exN for 5 years (YES, that many!) before he lost his job and decided to move here (1/2 mile away from me now - UGGGGGHHH!!). Before I knew anything about narcissism, I got suckered into believing that he had been pining over me for 20+ years until I was finally separated from my then-husband.
But I can attest to the many many many weeks, months, years of waiting and wondering if the promises he would constantly make for "a life together" would ever happen. If I only knew then what I know now! When I remember all of the "I can't wait until we're together and spend our weeknights together, whole weekends together, go to bed together at night, etc. etc." - I feel like vomiting. Once he was here, I learned the hard way what true emotional unavailability was!! I think I might have seen more of him when we were long-distancing. And I think I was better off not having him so close.
But, since this is a common denominator among many of us, I think it can be safely listed among the common traits of the narcissistic personality disordered male. And, when I began finding evidence of the many other ex-girlfriends and other female "friends" - guess what? YES, they are all in other states!! It used to turn my stomach and make me want to scream - now happily, I can just say it makes me laugh at what a pathetic loser he is.
Anyway, great post and I agree with every bit of it!!
Our situation wsa similar in some ways, except his cheating happened nearer to him. Read my response to michele115.
I loved my narc- on the phone- which was 70percent of the time. In person? I didn't like him much at all. Attraction and sex was intense, but that was it.
Guess what...you just gave me some insight as now that I think about it...MY narc...hahhahaha..."my narc" what bullshit! anyway I digress...
HE was trolling guess where...yup LONG DISTANCE!!! for tushie...while I was resting in my self imposed stupor in the NEXT ROOM!!!
How clever of him...um hmmmm
Gee, look lightbulbs are still switching on...
I think slowly we are getting close to something...
LOL
Michelle you are a
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
I beleive in our way of
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
Imstrong
I read the entire
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
All in all.I can only hope
What???????maybe I missed
And if I took the same positon you did...
I just didn't know anyone
The olive branch
Ummmm because I JUST posted
I presume you are referring to my relationship
Shortway
But michele...you are saying
shortway2
Shortway
Shortway
Shortway
Just an FYI..I love you to
And I feel like crap I jumped the gun...
I guess i just don't see the
Shortway
There is truth to Michele115 post
I Agree!!
Sorry to attach self-esteem
To me this is the most
Shortway
I think you're spot on!
Believe in yourself!
Terri
terri
AND TERRI...
Michele I have to admit I am