Why is UNDERSTANDING it, often, so difficult?
Step One: Understanding it (them)
When in a relationship with a PD, trying to figure it out and get to, just WHAT is going on with them, with yourself, and the relationship is often just one big bundle of confusion and pain.
We try to talk it out with them and that doesn't seem to get us anywhere.
We may ask others if they can make any sense of it, many simply say: if you are not happy or he is treating you badly, then just get out of it. Stop seeing him, move on, be done with it, he is not worth it, you deserve better, there are so many other guys out there who may really love you and be good to you.
Sounds good, YET, you may still FEEL or THINK, that there must be some answers, solutions, CURES.
Afterall, you have figured out and solved many problems in your life, WHY not this one.
You may try therapy.
The therapist may say, YES, he is screwed up, no question. This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship for YOU. You may say, yes BUT, he was great in the beginning or he had a rough childhood, or he doesn't know what he is doing or MEAN to be this way.
You may be up nights thinking about IT, crying about it, trying to appease him, do better, keep the peace.
Yet, still it is just no good. You find yourself having to get to the bottom of it.
Maybe if you check his email, his cell phone, his pockets, his car, his facebook, perhaps even follow him, talk with his family and friends, his X's, anyone, PLEASE will SOMEONE, ANYONE, HELP me to understand this?
You begin to hear and learn things in your quest, your search for the truth that you find VERY disturbing. WTF, who is this person?
You feel even worse than you did before, when you did not know, when you did not have all this information.
You are frantic, sick to your stomach, wanting to give up, wanting to fix it, find a way OUT or a way to MAKE IT WORK.
You don't like what HE has to say, you don't even believe him anymore, you don't like what othera have told you about him or what you have found out yourself, so at your witts end, you begin to GOOGLE:
Liar, cheater, thief, player, porno addict, manipulator, abuser, revenge, my boyfriend SUCKS, erectile dysfunction, self centeredness, selfishness, user, cruel, mean, evil, and all sorts of sites and articles begin to pop up on your computer screen.
Narcissist, Sociopath, Borderline, you read and read and read. You may cry, get angry, feel chills down your spine, OMG, this is HIM, he is JUST LIKE what I am reading. You mean there are OTHERS just like mine? Hundreds of them, thousands of them, dear lord, what have I got myself into here?
What can I do. You keep reading, looking for HELP, solutions, answers. Surely there MUST be something I can do.
You stumble upon THIS SITE, The Path Forward.
You begin to read and relate to the stories posted by other men and women. These people sound just like me. How is this possible? All these people are going through the same thing as me. I had no idea there were so many suffering.
You may feel like you have arrived HOME, you may feel like there is hope now. Surely these people on the site will GET IT, they will be able to help me to figure this out and decide what to do.
You may still not have decided to end it or even if this is what you want to do OR he may have ended it for you and you are left to pick up the pieces of your life and make some sense out of all of this confusion.
You may after awhile begin to question whether or not YOUR NARC is like these other Narcs, sometimes he does not seem as bad, when you are missing him or wanting it to work.
You may ask yourself if maybe it was really YOUR fault, after all, this is what he tells you. Perhaps if you learn everything there is to know about him, THEN you may be able to find a way to make it work, if you change and fix all the things you were doing wrong, and do better.
Maybe he does love the OW and it was ME who he could not or did not love, maybe this is the problem.
You being to lose that HIGH you had when you first found the site. You are questioning EVERYTHING, him, yourself, the OW, the circumstances which caused all of this to happen.
After all, you too have changed, not just him. You no longer feel like the happy person you were when you first met him.
You find yourself, suspicious, questioning him, nagging him, angry, sad, depressed. You may not even like yourself too much anymore. You don't have that spring in your step or that zest for life. You have let yourself go in certain ways. You may not be enjoying your times with your friends, the activities you used to enjoy, you may have lost weight, gained weight, you may be drinking more, engaging in activites with him which before, you may have never considered.
It is all confusing, was it me? Do I drive him to these behaviors? Or is it HIS neglect which has caused me to change who I am and what I want?
You find yourself obsessing about everything. One minute you hate him and never want to see him again and the next minute you are praying he will come back and all wil be ok, like it was in the beginning.
You have a HEAD full of knowledge about WHAT and WHO he is and a belly full of hurt, pain, heartache, confusion, self doubt, hopelessness, and yearning to make it right. I still LOVE him and MISS him.
Should I really go completely NC, that seems harsh. WHAT IF he needs to tell me something or wants me back or has changed and realized how much he loves me and how good I am to him and for him and IF I have him blocked, I will never know. I won't be able to SEE IT.
The above is a sampling of what many members have shared with me regarding UNDERSTANDING it and early recovery.
IF YOU are stuggling with any of this you are NOT alone, these are common thoughts, feelings, and struggles which many in early recovery face.
I believe that on some level we do get it and we do understand it, the problem like in the fact that even though we get it, often we do NOT want to ACCEPT it.
We want it to be different or better. We want to think that who they are cannot possibly be TRUE. There must be some MISTAKE in MY particular case.
Facing the truth and admitting ot ourselves that they are NOT going to change and this is who and what they are is NOT easy to do.
Often, unfortunately we need to go a few more rounds and get hurt a few more times, before we come back and are WILLING to accept and admit that:
WE DID NOT cause this, WE ARE NOT to blame and WE CANNOT fix or cure this.
We hope that by the time you make it to our forum here on THE Path Forward you are ready to beliieve what you see it real and true.
You have learned by now that it is the ACTIONS of a person NOT THEIR words, which count the most and that NOTHING you could have done or said would have made them any better.
They have a personality disorder which is who they are and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
A major part of their disorder is to BLAME YOU, blame others. They do NOT take responsibility for their bad.
They triangulate you with others and create smokescreens/gas lighting leaving you confused and full of self doubt.
They do NOT want you to catch on because IF YOU DO, they FEAR they will lose control over you.
Is about acceptance of who and what they are, SO that YOU may begin the process of healing and recovering from the toxic energy and destruction left in the wake of a PD.
Together we can do what we can not do alone.
Many have traveled The Path Forward before you and we do understand the struggles you may be having with Understanding it and we are here for you to help you to gain clarity, strength, and courage to find your way back on YOUR OWN PATH FORWARD.