Why is NC so hard?!

I feel dumb. I did so well with no contact the first time but we ended on a bad note and I changed my #, making it easier.

Now that he's back and he's feedling me this crap, I feel sorry for him. . . I KNOW its happening. The manipulation, making me fall for him again. I thought I would be alright, now that I'm aware of npd and with the help of the birth of my daughter, have moved on. . . But why am I still excited to get a text from him? Why do I want to talk to him? Because I'm lonely?

He tells me how sorry he is, how bad he misses us... I know that it has to be b.s. he would have never left if being w us is what he wanted. Its about control. The ONLY reason he summoned me. To get to me. To get me to talk to him again and it worked.

To go back to no contact, do I just tell him? I know I shouldn't be scared of him but I know how he is when he doesn't like someone and will get back at me and I'm so scared its going to be through our daughter.

I know I shouldn't care what he thinks but I have this problem, I seriously can forgive scum of the earth and simply block out what pain thay have caused me. For years, as a child, I was raped and abused. All I had to cope was faith, God said to forgive your enemys but I think that has taken over my life. If I'm hurt by anything, I look at it as if it never happened and focus more on what is good about the person. Right now, its dragging me down. He's a horrible person. Why can't I make it stick in my brain???? I tell myself over and over, I read lisas books over and over...one day I hate him, the next I love him again.

Do I just start no contact or do I tell him? How do I stay strong? I still miss him and my daughter having a father but I don't what him for her... uuugh what the hell is wrong with me to still miss him?

Has anyone else felt this way? Has anyone "relapsed" in way? What happened or how did you fight it?