share my story.

We met 16 years ago after I had put an ad on line. I was a bachelor with no kids at that time and had a stable and secure job. She was married with 2 young children. She told me she had been separate from her ex-H for several years and was waiting for the divorce to finalize. Due to financial reasons, she shared the house with her ex.

We clicked quickly on line. It turned into a romance. It was my first long term relationship. I was ready to start a family of my own. Two months later, we met. I was treated like a king. She said, " I complete her... I am her soul mate". I had not heard anybody say like that to me before. During that time, my instinct did tell me something was wrong. Her "love" for me was TOO passionate. I ignored it and thought I was too suspicious.

Two months later, she told me she wished she could move closer to me because she missed me everyday. I missed her too since we lived few hrs apart. We met only on the weekends. She couldn't move right away because of the same reason: finances. I was in love and trustworthy (and inexperienced). I offered her to move down with me after we had looked for a house that could accommodate all 4 of us. I went into the relationship with honesty, mutual respect, love and an open heart.

Prior to the move, we had had a wonderful time every weekend. She wanted to have at least 2 kids with me. She told me she would go anywhere where my next job would be...I felt great. I felt I was so lucky to find such a woman with a good heart. I did not have to find such a woman anymore. I thanked God for that. She shared with me her rough life when she grew up as a child. I hoped that with my love and respect for her, I would ease up the rough edges of her past.

Roughly one month after the move, I started to see changes in her behavior. She was overjealous with me while we were out. She accused me of checking other women we happened to pass by . She did not believe that I did not check them. We started to have arguments. She started to use the letter F...when she was angry ( I don't curse). Then she said she wouldn't move out of the state anymore because she wanted her children to be close to their father.

Initially, I wanted to use a condom since we just knew each other. She did not want to because she wanted to feel the "whole of me". She wanted to feel complete with me. I caved in. Besides I was in love and was ready for my own family.

Three or 4 months after we met, she got pregnant. I was excited. BUT she was not. She wanted an abortion. I begged her to keep it. I asked her why she changed her mind... Her reason was that she felt insecure in our relationship and did not want to raise 3 little kids by herself. Also, she wanted to move back to the city where she came from. I was completely confused. I tried everything to convince her that I was loyal and my job was secure...Nothing could change her mind. We had more arguments at the time when both of us should have been excited together.

Again in the end, I started to adopt her reasoning. I told myself that she got a point. We just met and now she was pregnant. She was insecure. I then agreed to the abortion and accepted the fact she and her children would move back. One week after the abortion, she told me she would stay with me because she "loves me"...

She got pregnant again several months later. I was excited and a little worried. Again she flipped her position again and wanted an abortion. I was devastated. I begged her to keep it. I tried everything to prove to her that I loved her and was loyal. Nothing could change her mind. She did not let me go with her to OB-GYN for an ultrasound. I did not agree with the abortion this time. One day, she told me she just went to an abortion clinic and "it was over". I was deeply hurt, confused and devastated. I packed and left ...

I had a very very hard time after I left. I thought about her every day and in my sleep. I cried. I felt that she lived under my skin and she was a part of my soul. I made a mistake at my work because of this difficult time. Fortunately I did not lose my job. I was still deeply in love with her. One month later, she called me... I responded. It did not take much for me to go back to her...

After I came back, I was treated like a king again . I was spoiled by her. She promised that the next pregnancy would not end up in an abortion. She also wanted to get married. I felt I was rushed into it. We did buy wedding rings together... (but our wedding did not materialize due to insecurities and arguments...)After her third pregnancy my son was born.

However, after his birth, there went her affection. Intimacy became less and less and zilch. No kisses, hugs or hand holdings she used to do with me. They became a memory...She started to criticize how I ate or got dressed... She complained about my snoring even with my snoring guard...She moved out of our bedroom...When we had an argument, she threatened to take our son away...She could be sweet at one point then angry and sometimes in a rage...All of us walked on eggshells around her. Initially I thought she got postpartum blues. However her dark personality did not get better over many years. She criticized my parenting. I tried to do better but nothing was good enough. She would find anything negative to make me feel guilty and low. Again I started to adopt some of her views: my rationalization was that I was not perfect and there was always room to improve. She claimed she did a lot at home. It was not true: her own children disagreed with her. I started to cook for myself and wash my own clothes. I took my son to different places and she seldom did it. When I asked her to go with us, she always had a reason to say no...

She started to tell me things I had not heard before. "It's not all about you". "not everything revolves around you". " you are controlling". Every argument with her was steered back to her own validation: I did not appreciate her contribution. The kids did not appreciate her sacrifice for them. She became upset if our kids told me things first. She wanted to be informed first...

I knew something was terribly wrong in our relationship. I thought many times about leaving. I wasn't sure if it was the right time. I hoped she might get better as time went by.... What if I was wrong?... I thought about my son growing up without a father...

Recently, with the help of her daughter, I discovered she had an affair. My heart was broken. That was a dealbreaker for me.. I ended the relationship of 16 years....After I told her that and went back to my room (we haven't shared our own bed for a while), I just realized that I have been emotionally abused for a long time. I googled "emotional abuse". There it was by different authors or by Dr Phil... To my surprise, their described signs are matching with what she did to me 90-95% of the time...

I cried that night when I broke up with her. I felt angry, betrayed and stupid...My heart hurt. I couldn't sleep, eat or drink. I was like a zombie at work...

I have prayed to God to give me strength, wisdom and acceptance. I have seen my therapist. He listened to me and got up to get a book from his shelf. He asked me to read " Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss. When he told me the word narcissistic, I did not know what it meant completely.

Since then I have read about 14 books regarding narcissism and abuse. The path forward was one of them. I read this forum every day for support. It has helped me the most in terms of healing. I even recommended it to my therapist... I watched youtube videos regarding narcissism...(the robot by the name James...)

I'm getting better now. I have been able to concentrate at work. I understand that my recovery will take some time. I accept that I will be in pain at times... My heart sinks and aches when I pass a place we used to visit... My eyes are teary when I see some of our family pictures... When snow falls or autumn leaves start to change their color, I couldn't help thinking about the time when we first met. I sobbed inside...

I start to look forward and focus on my son and myself. It's easier said than done. Sometimes,I start to go back in time and wonder what I could have done differently...

Sincerely,