Nichole's Story

Wow, I've signed up a few days ago, or so. I'm so glad I found this site. I was led here, because I'm in the process of looking for healing forums. I'm undergoing a major, yet positive life change. However, I have a few issues to work out that could sabotage my future if I don't work them out.

One of the issues is my relationships. This is where I'm at: I've come to realize and I've taken responsibility for the fact that I've been in love with different versions of the same guy.

I will share the traits that I shared with the forum mod when I signed up. The guy that I've been in love with is:

-Broken, and doesn't want to be healed

- He has mommy issues. I swear, every last one of them had/has mommy issues of some sort

- He's self-loathing

- He has no respect for himself, so he can't respect me

- He's exploitive of my weaknesses, yet jealous and threatened by my strengths.

- He either a marginal or a poor lover. Three of them flat out had ED and were really weird about it, despite my empathy**

**By the way, I'm SO GLAD that there are others out there like me who are super empathetic. It's not low self esteem, it's just a great need to be loving and feeling.

- He starts out with stars in his eyes for me, yet leaves me with disgust in his eyes for me.

- He has no personal or professional ambition, yet he's jealous of mine

- He lacks boundaries

- He betrays me and talks about me bad to his friend, MY FRIENDS (this happened once!), or to his family.

- He competes with me on some level(again, being threatened)

- He tends to be freakish in some form or fashion.

- He tends to have a spirit of sadness about him.

I could go on, but I need a break. I will continue to get it out, by posting about my individual stories about "Him". I might make up a name to differentiate the guys, but I prefer to refer to them as "Him" or "He", because really and truly, they're all different versions of the same guy.

Even more scary: They say that you wind up with your father. I came to realize as I took inventory of "Him" that my dad is a "Him" in some ways.

The last thing I wanted was my dad. Funny how I ended up with him anyway.

Okay, I'm feeling like I want to tear up, I'm feeling a bit drained. It's so hard to face yourself huh?

But thanks for reading in advance. I'm currently very single and I will be for as long as it takes for me to completely recover, because "HE" will NEVER be a part of my life again.

I'm so glad that I've found at the very least, relieve, and understanding. Although I will end up seeking professional relationship therapy in the future, I think I've really found my support/venting/safe place.