movingon114's story

The "Other" OW

I met my ex on a "dating" site, just over 3 years ago. I was recently separated after 17 yrs of marriage (25 together total). Looking back, I was starved for attention and affection after years of criticism and no emotional support. I was also struggling w/ codpendency issues.

After chatting on line and email for 2 weeks every night, we meet for lunch where we talk, go for a walk down by the river, hold hands and kiss. I find him attractive, charming, funny, smart and very polite. We spend a few hours together and it seems so romantic. Given the internet site we met on, there is also a strong sexual undertone. I tell him (and myself) that given my current marital situation, I am not looking for a relationship. I falsely believe this will protect me. We quickly become intimate. It does not feel right to me (because I know it's too soon to be sleeping with someone I do not know, but I tell myself I am just having "fun" after all those years of being married). I do email him and tell him I don't want to seem him again, but am not sure why. He tells me we can just hang out as friends. I agree to meet him for a movie and we end up having sex. We continue to meet at least 1x a week and we chat online every night and throughout much of the day off/on during work, including weekends and holidays. He lives 1 1/2 hrs away from me. I am flattered by all the attention, compliments he gives me, I feel so special. We share (or so I thought) intimate details of our lives. By 3 months in, I feel like I am in love with him. I have now worked out a visitation schedule for my kids. He tells me he is a full time Dad of a 9 yr old daughter so he has her every weekend, but will get a sitter so we can start going out on some weekends..and by January, we do. However, I am getting suspicious because he hasn't invited me to his house..he tells me its too messy and it was easier for him to drive to me. I catch him in a lie about his renewing his dating membership,after he had told me he no longer needs it, he met the "one" for him, blah, blah. I start doing some online investigation again ( I also did 2 months prior, but found nothing) but this time he had mentioned more about his "ex" and find out he is married.

I confront him, he denies it over and over. He denies knowing a woman by the name of "S" even though they are listed as attending the same church. He offered to show me is divorce decree even and go away with me the next weekend. He told me I was wrong about him. Deny, Deny, Deny. Finally later that night on the phone, he admitted it and told me he never expected to develop feelings for me and was afraid to tell me because he didn't want to lose me. I am devastated. He tells me he will call me the next day..he never does and wont answer my calls or emails. I write in my journal that he must be very mentall y ill or a sociopath. I email the last woman who posted on his dating profile from 3 years prior...she emails me back 3 days later and I discover she has been "dating" him for 3.5 years. She believes him to be single (does not know he has a daughter), he told her he was agoraphobic. She also reveals to me that he self harms and is bipolar. I learn his is actually divorced from a 1st marriage. I am numb.

In a move I felt justified in at the time, I call his wife and tell her. She is very calm and doesnt say much. He calls me a few minutes later and tells me he is not "mad" at me for calling her!! As if I was worried about him being mad at me! This is where I will start to question myself a thousand times..why dont i just walk away??

He tells me he never loved his current wife, he only married her because she pressured him and he wanted to live with his daughter as a family. He was doing this for his daughter. He said he was unhappy and wanted to leave, but didnt have the courage before. He hints that he loves me and will I give him a chance once he moves out? I told him I didn't know, that I of course don't trust him. He said we could work on that. He felt we had something too special to give up. He moves out and we spend every other weekend together and see each other during the week for the next 14months. There are LOTS of conflicts, issues, things that don't seem right with his "separation" . I don't trust him, and constantly questioning him, checking up on him, etc. I am unhappy when we are apart and I am lost in this relationship. He tells me he has never been happier, I am so special, he is the luckiest man alive, the best lover, etc. Every time I would question him on something, he would deny it over and over, tell me I was wrong, have some kind of explaination, I just needed to relax. There were some major events that occurred where again, I should have walked away, but did not. He eventually files for divorce. I believe things are moving forward, but can never really get rid of this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I question my morals of continuing to date this man, I feel like a homewrecker. I feel like I am losing who I once was. I am consumed with this mess and "making it right". I believe he will change, because he has so convincingly said he wants to more than anything to have a healthy relationship with me.

16 months later, his wife texts me..she believes he is going to therapy every Tues night. He goes out with me on Tuesdays. He was telling her he was working on getting better to help their marriage. We text for hours. (we previously had 2 separate email exchanges where I told her I suspected we were being told different truths. She would not respond, I took that as she just wanted him back). When he finds out we talked, he is outraged at her..screaming how she betrayed HIM! He was calling her all sorts of nasty names. ( I had heard him rage at her before and call her names - he blamed his illness) He blamed her for his actions..she was guilting him into doing this or she would not let him see their child. She said she was manipulative and demanding, she was controlling. We have a 3 way conversation where he is still denying things! We both try to tell him to get help for his mental illness. She writes me an email about that he has "chosen" me and she will not stand in the way and will always love him unconditionally ( she had said he told her she was his soulmate and he was the love of her life!). I am sick at this point..I try to end it. My house just sold and I have 6 weeks to find another and move by myself. We talk and he emails long apologetic emails full of what you would expect. In this, I would later find he was already talking to a new woman and had a date with her, while he was trying to get me to work on things with him. I should mention I also found out about yet another woman he was "dating" while he was just living with his then 2nd wife. I try unsuccessfully to end this several times. My son went through a crisis where he was hospitalized and his care became my focus for several months.

I started back in therapy in April of this year. I do not tell her all the details at first. I am concerned because I have still not yet met his daughter and we can't move forward (OMG it is painful to write this now) with things. I end things again in Sept and a week later she mentions "narcissist", I do a google search where I find this site. I read and believe what I find here has given me the strength this time to make a final break. I am at least thankful I left him. I am certain that had he moved in or we got married, I would have been discarded like his last exwife and became the target of his rages. He would also use his illness to manipulate to distract attention away from his behavior. It worked as I used to feel sorry for him.

The man who was "paralyzed with grief" from my ending this, was able to sign up for the same dating site where I met him within hours. I have been completely NC for 13 days. I am ready to do the work necessary to start the next chapter of my life. It is time.