marriedtoanarcissist's story

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#1 Aug 28 - 7PM

admin

marriedtoanarcissist's story

I have recently realized that I married a narcissist. His narcissistic tendencies were not apparent at first - but after 2 years of marriage I am positive that this is my current situation.

I was listening to the "Narcissist and Intimacy" episode and a lot of what was said struck a chord. His sarcasm and hurtful words outside of the bedroom as well as his actions in bed have made me increasingly uncomfortable with having sex with him.

I am completely uncomfortable with some of the things he asks me to do in bed, how there's no foreplay, how there's no intimacy or emotional connection during sex, how he tells me what to say while we're having sex (e.g. "Tell me your my whore), and how he has never once asked me what feels good. Essentially, my inability to be turned on by him at this stage has made sex uncomfortable and physically painful. We haven't had sex in a year. I have an appointment with a pain specialist in a couple of days to "diagnose" the issue, but I think it's that sex is so forced and unpleasant that my body is resisting.

My husband is my first and only sexual partner, so honestly I have nothing else to compare this to. I have no idea if what I'm saying sounds crazy. If he has the right to be angry with me, making comments like, "I never thought I'd be in a sexless marriage", or "According to the Bible women are not supposed to withhold sex from men." Honestly I'm not doing any of this on purpose. I just don't feel loved, I feel no emotional connection, and surely no intimacy. How can I be turned on and have sex with someone who hurts me so often? And is he being mean, hurtful and sarcastic because we aren't having sex?

Any insight you can provide would be very much appreciated.

#2 Oct 14 - 6PM

Chloe

Sex and the narcissist

There is nothing wrong with you! Because you have been with one man---an ill equipped one who is fearful of intimacy in all ways, you have nothing to compare this to. Narcissists are cruel because of their inadequacies. My ex-N screamed at me (RAGED) when I went near him for affection. He would moan and groan, play-like, until I thought he was kidding and continued to make advances---and only then, when he shoved me so hard where I fell on the floor, did I start to wonder what the hell is wrong with this man? I did know that I was sexually healthy. Also, when he would go to the bathroom, he would lock himself in, God forbid, I should walk in on him. The running joke was, "what the hell are you doing in there, peeing gold?" But, there I was delivering his children, with parts exposed from all over, yet he locks the door on his wife, as if it's BAD that I should see him on the toilet---he's so perfectly made, he doesn't have to "do" toilets like the cartoon characters that we all are to them.

#3 Oct 14 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

4joys (not verified)

chloe

When the King is on his throne you must remember to make an appointment! Didnt you know that? lol

#4 Aug 28 - 9PM

grossot

marriedtoanarcissist

Welcome to this board!Â I havn't seen your user name before so I think you are new - at least to post.I think you've answered your question well yourself. Was sex ever good with him? Did you begin feeling uncomfortable after he began making these comments? Has he always made these comments? If you have always been uncomfortable, maybe the pain specialist is a good idea. If the discomfort started after his comments then I think you're right - your body is resisting because you don't feel loved; his words are unpleasant therefore, the act is unpleasant. Please use this site to your advantage. There is great information on here about N's. I would advise you to get a counselor. His using the Bible against you is abusive. Keep a journal. Once you've realized he's a Narc, which you now have, you will be amazed at what your eyes are opened to. Before we realize the truth, we put ourselves down and think there is something wrong with us. Sounds like you're in that stage right now! N's will do something wrong and then blame you for it. They blame shift, gaslight and make us think we are crazy! You need a good counselor who help you make sense of what you are feeling. nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#5 Aug 28 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

marriedtoanarcissist

Thank you

Thank you "grossot" for your comments. The times when the sex was good was before we were married - before the consistent hurtful comments / actions. It started to be uncomfortable when he would be say things that were hurtful and demeaning outside of the bedroom, and would ask me to do things or say things that I wasn't comfortable with in bed. To family and friends he's perfect - it's only me who sees this side of him. I'm very impressed with the site, and am already so thankful for support from those who understand.

#6 Aug 29 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

narcissists & sex

The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him. There does not exist intimacy and you will frequently feel used. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted. Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner. Here is a list of just some of these abusive behaviors: * The narcissist pretends to be sexual for you but is after her/his gratification only * Your sexual past is being torn apart * You are being told that all you want is sex (although you know this is not the case, however sex is central to the narcissist) * The narcissist instigates sex (like telling you erotic things and sending you pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides last minute that nothing is to take place * You are feeling humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated * The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game * The narcissist encourages you to have sexual relations with everybody although the narcissist has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be unfaithful * The narcissist makes fun of your sexuality after using you for his own gratification (e.g. you are fat or have ugly breasts) * The narcissist wants to try out everything possible * The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will send you explicit photos of himself ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is another form of sexual abuse. In fact, so I believe, it is the most common one, and hence it took me so long to get it. This form of abuse comes in four stages: * Firstly, the victim will be coaxed to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator. * Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense. * Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically or just cuts off the sexual relationship with no explanation, so that the victim is in constant sexual need. * Fourth, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim can be humiliated, manipulated and used. Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B

#7 Sep 5 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

hugs4cats (not verified)

part of his plan?

While we were dating, I was very clear that I did not want to be sexual. I was a born-again Christian (supposedly he was too) and wanted to wait until our wedding night. Within a month the post-date touching became too sexual for me and I asked him to stop. That didn't last long. I was weak and gave in and soon we were fully engaged in sex. We were engaged about 3 1/2 months after we met and married about 4 months later. Before the marriage, the sex was all about me. After we got married, it slowly started to feel like he didn't desire me anymore and the sex was mostly out of obligation, although never abusive or painful or kinky. Just kind of empty. Things he said that I would never ever have to do before we got married, were slowly creeping into his vocabulary and actions. Was he deceiving me all along? Debbie

#8 Sep 8 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

NanC (not verified)

Omg! They are all the same!

Omg! They are all the same! My N asked me to marry him shortly after we started dating. Thank God, I never did! After 7 yrs of his crap, and me leaving him tons of times, he finally left me and hooked up with another girl. He asked her to marry him. After only 7 months and (owing her thousands of dollars), she dumped him. Within a month or so, he finds another gf, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he asks her to marry him. I hope to God she sees the real him before she marries him. I don't wish him on anybody!Unfortunately, everytime he meets a new supply, he comes around looking for our daughter to introduce her to his new supply. (It's part of, "he's such a great guy and dad, when in reality, he only comes around to show my child off and doesn't come to get her again!)

#9 Sep 5 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

candyshopdoll

part of his plans

Your story was similar to mines. We were married 4 months after we started dating. He was passionate, and fun in the beginning. Shortly after the marriage, the sex decreased.Sex was impersonal. Never foreplay. All people are just objects. people love their cars just like N love people. You hit your car you do not expect the car to complain. Because it is a car, an object. The same with N. They do not expect criticim or anything but praise from the object, that suppose to know their superior stance. And if you do not you can be discarded, cause the spider has a wide web.

#10 Sep 5 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

a total lie

Yup he was. http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm they lie like they breathe. it was ALL a lie. ALL of it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

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