Marigold's story (from which I'm still trying to heal"
Marigold's story (from which I'm still trying to heal"
I met him after finally healing from a long term relationship that ended. I was out with people I work with and he was there because he’s friends with one of my coworkers. I really wasn’t interested in him that night. I thought he was nice but a little too loud for me. We flirted a little but I didn’t think anything would come of it. A couple of weeks later I started getting messages on facebook about us all getting together again. I thought he was interested but I still didn’t see us together. After a few more flirtatious messages I started to get interested. We all met for drinks again. We talked a little, he made sure he sat by me and made sure we all had plans to have a party at my friends’ house that Saturday. He sent me a message about getting together that Friday night before the party but I said “no”. I already had plans with a friend and I didn’t want to seem too eager. We talked a lot at the party. We even stayed outside talking on my friends’ patio long after they went to bed. We made plans to get together at his house the following Wednesday. He even sent a message the next morning to say he had a good time talking to me that night. I still wasn’t sure I was attracted to him and almost cancelled, but decided to go anyway. When I got there he was so nice and attentive. He told me so many things about him and his past. He told me how he wasn’t into playing games and understood that at our age everyone came with baggage. I was starting to be really impressed with him. He told me about being engaged a few years ago and calling it off a few weeks before the wedding. I was concerned about this but I was so impressed with his honesty that I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he called it off because of a gut feeling. He said he always goes with his gut feeling. (Could that mean he calls it off when the person is no longer a good supply for his ego?) And he was married for several years and has two kids. He said he and his ex-wife just fell out of love. (???) But he was so wonderful that night and for several weeks after that I thought he must be a good and honest person. He sent me messages all of the time to let me know he was thinking about me. He would make plans for the next date before the one we were on was even over. He told me he missed me when I wasn’t around, that I made him happy, and made references to us being together in the future. I was starting to fall for him. I thought “This is it. I’m done looking”. The one thing that bothered him was when he talked about women being crazy (according to him I wasn’t crazy). I was concerned when I learned that by crazy he meant emotional. I was afraid I’d disappoint him at some point because I have my emotional moments too.
Then everything started to go downhill. We went out to a bar where he’s spent a lot of time and has a lot of friends (as in knows EVERYONE there). I was already a little nervous about meeting his friends because I’m shy. There was an incident and I snapped at him about ignoring me. I regretted it as soon as I said it. It was wrong of me and very unlike me and I told him this and apologized but it didn’t seem to matter. His attitude towards me changed after that. I was never able to relax again. I felt like I had to keep apologizing about it and was afraid if I was negative about anything he would think less of me (should have been a red flag, huh?). Even though he said everything was OK I could tell it wasn’t. He stopped saying all of the nice things and making plans in advance. If he’d cared as much as he appeared to at first we should have been able to work through it. And I did start to notice that when we went out he was very socially aggressive. Got in people faces and had to be right.
After a couple of months (with me suddenly getting in the way of things in his life where it had never been a problem before. I had always been respectful of his obligations.) I knew it was over. We would have one good day and then he’d be cold and distant. The last night I saw him I’d had enough of the guessing games. I asked him what was going on with us. He said he liked spending time with me but could go a month without seeing me and be OK and not miss me. (OUCH!!!) I got emotional and cried (of course) and he told me he didn’t need that kind of drama in his life. Because of ONE NIGHT! And after he had said something hurtful to me! He also said that at the beginning of the relationship he just wanted to see how thing went between us. This is from someone who was telling me he missed me after the first date and calling me from his vacation at the beach with his sons the weekend after the first date to talk to me and make sure we had a date the day after he got back in town. I tried to pretend it would be OK for a couple of days, but finally had to admit it was over. It was done over text message. I wanted to get together and give him a couple of his things back but he said not to worry about it. I was hoping I could say a few things to him in person and get closure but I didn’t get to. I sent him a letter (to get a few things out in the open) but he didn’t seem to get what I was saying. I’ve read and heard that one of the characteristics of narcissism is a lack of empathy. I got plenty of that. (The lack of it that is.) So now he’s out with his friends and having fun and pretending I was never part of his life. It hurts to feel like you were never really important to a person you thought really cared about you. The sad thing is that even though I don’t want him back I DESPERATELY miss the man I thought he was.
My relationship wasn’t long but it was intense and he seemed so wonderful at first. Part of me is still trying to make sense of it even thought I know there‘s no sense to be made. It’s like having emotional whiplash because things changed and went downhill over night. How can this wonderful caring person hurt me and throw me away in such a short period of time? How can he miss me and say I make him happy and a month later he wouldn’t miss me if he didn’t see me for a month. It made me feel horrible to hear that! But I’m working on healing.
I never thought about narcissism as an answer to his behavior (mainly because I didn’t know a lot about it) until a friend told me he sounded like a friend of hers who had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Then the therapist I was seeing told me that it sounded like he might have some narcissistic tendencies. I hadn’t told her what my friend had said. I started doing research after this and it all makes sense.
Sorry for the long story. I’m hoping it helps to share and discuss things with people who have been through similar situations.
@fraidythecat
Same story
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Marigold
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