Alibi_10's story

To put this story in context, I approached a new romance from a hopeful but nervous point of view. My ex-husband (not a narc) had left me for an OW in awful circumstances, I had just had major surgery and my father had just died A a couple of weeks before. All of this I coped with and that makes it hard to understand the following:

I met the narc through online dating. His profile said he was happy, but could be happier, he was grateful for every day of his life, and wanted to avoid people who would suck the life out of him.

The first date was good, I liked him - but ignored a red flag in that he said he had nothing to with his parents, had been raised by two other family members and he despised his mother. Also ignored the fact that he said he was entirely to blame for his divorce because he had been selfish, immature and acted like an ass. We agreed to meet again. I then received a text at four in the morning saying that he had changed his mind, that he didn't know enough about me. The most sensible thing I did in this whole sorry scenario is to totally ignore the text. DELETE.

At four o clock the following morning, I received a text saying that he was worried about how his behaviour might have affected me, and could he ring me. The most stupid thing I did in this whole sorry scenario is to say yes. MISTAKE.

He called and said that he realised I was THE ONE and he did not want to let me get away, could we meet. I agreed. Sadly, I was impressed that he was worried about how his behaviour might have affected me.

We saw each other a few more times, then went away on an outdoor weekend. We got into a physical relationship after a lot of flirting, and he 'dared' me to try and kiss him. That side of things was the best ever. For both us, we agreed.

I was due to go on holiday with friends, and he asked me to call in at his house en route. He lived a few hours drive away from me, but I was on a high and agreed. Could not wait to see him. Just before I was due to set off, he called to say he had changed his mind as had something important to do, and could we actually cool things down a bit. I was very quiet, a bit shocked and he said "Have you been let down by men in the past? Are you vulnerable?" I now see I was presenting my neck to be bitten. I said yes, but did as he asked and did not contact him. He also went away on holiday, and out of the blue texted to say he was missing me, and could he come and see me when he got back. I thought it would all come right and agreed. He was due to stay for a few days, so I dashed out and bought lots of food, got myself all glammed up etc.... and the night he arrived was amazing. The next morning, he questioned where this was going - he wasn't sure about being boyfriend/girlfriend etc, and then said that he was disappointed I had slept with him, because I had 'brought too much to the banquet'.

Things continued, it was long distance, so did not see him every day, but he was very loving on the phone, and when I was away with work called me all the time - once during the middle of the night (I see now that this was because I was away with my boss and he was probably checking up). It went horribly wrong the day before my birthday - I called him, excited to be seeing him the following day. he was flat and said he wanted to kill himself. I was shocked, and then distraught. He said he didn't care about anything or anyone. I asked him if he wanted me to stay at home for my birthday and he screamed at me that he hadn't said that.

I did go, and he was very apologetic the next day, but when we went out, I could sense him withdrawing again and I got the silent treatment. When he finally spoke to me, he said it was because I had made a joke at his expense and was trying to be cocky and clever. I was starting to develop real anxiety symptoms at this stage, because I couldn't understand what I had done.

Then the nit-picking began. I was too pale, too flightly, too serious, not serious enough, my hair was too short - I let it grow, then it was too long. I slouched. My job was stupid, my friends were stupid. I spent too much time talking to my family, I was impractical. I spent too much money, I was not a great cook, I was untidy - the list went on and on. I tried to change myself, bent myself out of shape in the hope of making it all right. He went through all the cupboards in my house, looked at all the pictures and documents on my computer. When he saw photos of a guy I went out with for a while after my husband had left, he went into a rage. That guy was much younger than me and incredibly good-looking. We had stayed friends, so I never the deleted the photos. The N said I was sad and desperate, why had I gone out with that guy when he wasn't in the same ball-park as HIM in terms of looks and intelligence. In fact, the Narc broke the mould in type with me because he was very short and I have always been with very tall guys. Despite going through all my stuff, he said he thought I would try to change him, and was monitoring him all the time. Projection?

I went to stay abroad with a friend, and on my last night where we had planned a drink, nice meal etc - he texted me to ask to ring him very urgently. When I called, he said not to take offence, but had I got an STD because he had discovered a rash !!! I was absolutely horrified and incredibly upset. My friend was disgusted with him, and begged me not to have anything more to do with him. All of the examples of what he had said and done are not listed because it is already too long, but we all know the manipulation, gaslighting, crazymaking. I almost lost that friend because I continued to see HIM. Incidentally, the rash was thrush because he had not washed his manky running shorts :o)

And one day ... he called to say that he just wanted to be friends, that he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone. He said he would make a better friend than a partner. Again, I don't know why I bought this - I think the damage had been done by then in terms of brainwashing - I have a loving family, and lots of lovely friends - none of whom could stand to see what was happening to me.
His treatment of me as a 'friend' was no different to the other. Criticising, screaming fits, telling me not to challenge him, and the desperate control by telephone. Ignoring texts, then saying I hadn't texted; ignoring calls ... I used to rearrange my whole day around when he said he would call. Then he didn't, and I was so weak that when he DID call, I didn't mention it. He would say he was emotionally barren, wanted to change his life - he even wanted to leave his job to help others change their lives !

And the flip-flopping - the very thing that I ignored early on continued - he would say he wanted to visit, but wouldn't give an exact time. If I queried it, he would say I was insecure and pathetic. I only wanted to know so that I could arrange things, but he wouldn't accept that. Once, he sent a text to say he wasn't coming, so I didn't make a meal. He turned up and was disappointed there was no food. I said I would take him to the pub, he said he wasn't hungry. Then he went on and on about being starving, so I started to make the food and he said it was boring, he had eaten pasta all week. I was twisted up in knots.

Quite often, he would say he wanted to go home in the middle of the night. If he thought he was 'cornered' in a room, he would literally run out of the room. If I ever got upset or frustrated, he would yell at me to stop crying or call me a stupid fucking woman. He even screamed 'No wonder men hate women' - and what part of that misogyny passed me by? The mind games were horrendous, and yet he accused ME of playing mind games.

He talked a lot about NLP, and seemed very aware of psychological terms, analysing me and saying I needed help. The problem was I had started to become the person he accused me of being. I had to hide my continued friendship with him from some of my other friends who were getting increasing worried, and I was ashamed that I could not stand up to him. In my professional life, I have no problems with being authoritative, taking decisions, communicating but with him I became small and voiceless, such was my desire to keep him sweet. And at times, mixed in with all the bile he spewed, and the controlling, manipulative, angry times, the rewriting history - he could be like a lost child and very endearing, helpful to me in practical ways too. I just never knew which guy would turn up. And this is the guy I miss. This is the guy I can't get out of my head.

He invited me to spend a few days at his between Christmas and New Year, and this was truly awful. The night before, he said he had changed his mind (sound familiar?) and ended up screaming at me to go away. I did. He called back and was very apologetic, asked me just to get there early - not call or anything, just arrive. When I arrived, he was mad because I had not called or texted !! Said he was ill and had no food in the house. He then said he was bored with life, with me, with everything. He made me stay in one of his many spare rooms, and it was freezing. It was so uncomfortable just being there, and I resolved to just not see him again.

But the good guy returned in the new year, he visited a few times and we had some good times - then after one of his midnight flits, I cut contact. I was doing very well until I received communication saying that he wished we could have stayed friends, but he was now looking for a relationship again, but with someone that he could have a family with. I can't have kids. On the face of it, the letter seemed compassionate. Hah! I did not respond, but I did talk to him on the phone a few days ago, and that was the most spectacular own goal. He asked if I was alright with what he had said, and I got upset. We had planned to go away together at this time, and he said that he was still going. I had already paid for my flights and was a bit niggled by the fact that I had wasted that money (a subject close to his heart, because he is incredibly stingy) - he said that if I had not behaved the way I had, by monitoring him, badgering him, trying to control and manipulate him, then we would be going away on holiday - but I only had myself to blame and would have to reflect on that for the rest of my life. I was so upset - but more so when he said that he would like to be a million miles away from me, and he never wanted to hear from me ever again, would change his number if he needed to.... then put the phone down.

That last error of judgement on my behalf is the worst. I had not contacted him. I was suffering in silence, but starting to heal, and now I am back at square one. I think he wanted to have the last word, and I am left with the blame. He can skip off into the sunset and forget I ever existed.

In the great scheme of things, I do not think I suffered at his hands in anywhere near the same way as others on here, and for that I apologise. But I am unrecognisable to myself and to others. I was happy, witty, funny, intelligent, articulate and outgoing. I have become withdrawn, and have persistent panic attacks, and don't think I will ever be able to have a relationship again because I don't trust myself to make decisions or read signs, and this is a very hard thing to bear. I also feel guilty that I should have given him the chance to be the one to go NC by voicing that, even though I had done it first.

I posted on here some time ago that when I was in contact with him, I remembered how awful he was, but when I was NC I thought I had lost the love of my life.

My friends and family do not understand why I just can't forget him, and I don't understand it either, although reading posts on here is comforting. I am resolved to heal from this, I just do not know where to start.