Abigail's Story

It's never too late

Hello, all!

Ten months ago I left a forty-two year marriage, that's right, 42 years. The "event" that spelled "enough" for me was my now ex's major drunken rage (precipitated by ? I thought we were settling in on a rainy night to view one of our favorite videos...) in which my ex-husband insulted me, insulted my family, disparaged our two, wonderful, loving grown daughters, and told me, finally, I was never the love of his life but that he knew what it was like to have a love of his life.

As he screamed at me, inserting that he didn't even care if the neighbors came knocking (he was that loud), I realized that if ever I had ever felt to blame for anything wrong with our relationship (and I own my share of immaturity and selfishness over the years), this attack was completely and totally unwarranted and, I began to feel, dangerous.

All I could think to tell him was this: "What you are telling me is extraordinarily insulting, but I know who I am, now." At one point I did start in on a apology as he was in obvious emotional pain, but I couldn't even think what I should say "sorry" for...at any rate, when I started to say just that, it enraged him only more. Seemed, in fact, to make him glad, in a twisted sort of way, and he upped the volume and the verbal attack.

I felt dizzy (was dealing with a sinus issue at the time) and said I was going for some otc meds. While at the medicine closet, it occurred to me: "You need to leave now."

Because I am a Christian (have been for forty of the forty-two years) I have been learning my value and worth in Jesus Christ, and because I have studied how to identify His "voice," if you will, not audible, but the sense of it, I knew this was the correct action to take.

I went to the kitchen, got my purse and keys, prayed he would not hear the garage door opening while I backed out (he didn't) and drove to my sister's in another town.

It took him about ten minutes to figure out what happened. He called my cell phone and declared over and over (until I got to my sister's and I ended the call) "Turn that car around right now or you will tear this marriage apart." All I said was "No."

IN A NUTSHELL
Married when he was 23, me, 19. We both came from dysfunctional families in their own ways. He was fresh out of Vietnam, I was a young, naive, emotionally needy college student. Our first years of dating/marriage (in my State)was probably typical. When we moved 2400 miles away to his State (near his family) things got rough quick.

I had never known he was an alcoholic. He hid it well until we moved back into his old "stomping ground," you might put it. Soon, he was closing the bars after work and coming home with a six pack. I was stunned. Although he was assertive and usually got the upper hand with me (I was set up well to be a rescuer/enabler, good little, at the time, submissive Catholic girl)I began to fear him and our relationship. Not that I was a saint, mind you, just naive and weak.

Although, as I said, he was assertive, he became a mean drunk...and told me at one point he was going to "break me down and make me into what he wanted me to be." But who believes such things?!

He shoved me a couple of times, slapped me, and once after breaking down the bathroom door in a completely unwarranted jealous rage, I waited until he left the house again (very drunk), packed up what I could, took our then two year-old daughter (I was also pregnant with our second daughter at the time) and fled to the home of a friend of mine.

I called a minister for some advice the next day. He said to NOT even go back unless my ex promised to come in for counseling. Nowadays I assume he would have recommended a women's shelter. I went home and, of course, he did promise, bought me a few gifts, etc. The usual drill. But, similar to stories you read here, it didn't end there...

We moved back to my State. He did stop drinking for a number of years (as far as I knew), we still had problems and he seemed to be angry a lot (the girls remember this), but at least there was no violence. In the early nineties, however, he seemed to ramp up the anger but by that time I was strong enough and knew that I did not cause nor deserve this, so I said either we get counseling or that would be it.

We found a wonderful Christian counselor and for a few months did couple and individual counseling. This made a huge positive change. My ex read his Men's study bible daily, we attended church together. EVERYONE noticed an amazing, positive difference. Wow! A miracle...

Fast forward to this past year, year and a half.

He's had some health issues, but he's very good at taking care of himself, so they are resolved and/or managed. He had started drinking hard stuff again a few years ago, which put me on alert, but he didn't seem to be getting in the mean-drunk states he used to. Until last year.

It was a train wreck of a year, family-wise. My sister was seriously assaulted in her workplace (she's on the medical staff of a hospital for the criminally insane) which had several significant ramifications. My elderly mother fell and broke her leg. She nearly died three times until finally recovering in assisted living. She just passed away in August. Meanwhile, her husband, blind, also elderly and experiencing various health issues, was having his own crises.

But I did what I could/had to do, while continuing to teach my college classes and maintain life at home and in the family.

I have not mentioned that my ex, in a way similar if not equivalent to a narcissist/controller/etc., has always felt it his right to identify my motives and thoughts, to blame me and accuse me of things not true of me, etc. But, as other Christian women may understand, I thought that perhaps I needed to continue to mature and show him my love and compassion and that would help.

Not. Apparently.

So, in the middle of all this, comes the rainy night. The rage. The old fear of physical attack back. And the "deliverance," I call it.

The divorce was final in March. Many miracles of timing, finances attached to it. Daughters are incredibly supportive and loving of us both. I have a tremendous support group, I have learned an incredible amount about the dynamics of relationships such as I was in, and I praise God daily for his guidance, comfort, and confirmation that leaving that man was the correct thing to do.

I pray for him frequently. I maintain No Contact (except for necessary paperwork or family--texting only). He came to my mother's funeral (he brought her husband whose family did not attend). Afterward, I felt it appropriate to invite the two of them to my home with the rest of the family to open sympathy cards. He was very cordial. (Indeed, if you ever met him, you would think he is the most cordial, gracious, generous individual. And he is. To all but me. Which is also something all of you can relate to.)

THAT was extraordinarily difficult for me emotionally, but the "fruit" of it was very good.

NOW
It gets better each day. When some emotion comes over me, some trigger makes it difficult, I go to God's Word, consult my support group, and make lists of what is true. I am a writer, so I write a lot as well.

Many of my colleagues have told me that I look younger and have a new glow about me. I'm a very private person, but
a few of them know I left that extraordinarily oppressive relationship. I credit anything like that to leaving that toxic marriage, too.

More later. Thanks for reading.
Abigail