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Athena's need for answers in the fog :-(

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#1 Jun 22 - 12PM
Athena
Athena's picture

Athena's need for answers in the fog :-(

My brain has never felt so mashed up in all my life. I know I won't get the answers I seek from him, but the circular agitation that I feel in trying to find them within myself is breaking me down as much if not more than he did.

I know that on trying to get clarity from him I only got more fog. My brain is scrambling to make sense out of nonsense today, I hurt less in the heart but so much in my head. Can anyone help?

So: why would he 'risk' involving his family in the news of our 'wedding', encouraging me to speak with family members of our plans if he never meant to follow through? I just don't get that.

Why would he go around telling the whole world and his wife of his intentions to marry me, if he never meant to follow through?

What is he now telling them?

Why would he do all the things he does. I just don't understand. Why would he keep trying to keep me in his life only to play me like a fool. Why?

Did anything he ever said over these past two years, ever mean anything? Was nothing true?

Why would someone do that, why?

When I finally get strong to leave him, will he really be just the same in his next relationship? The thought that he may treat her better than me, is killing me, making me feel I wasn't good enough. Even though I can't imagine him being with anyone soon after this happens. Oh God, I'm hurting so much.

As much as his actions hurt me, so now do these questions.

I'd be so grateful to any response that can ameliorate my pain.

Finally, can anyone, anyone tell me how until I break from him I can take care of myself whilst in conversation with him?

Thank you,
Athena

Jun 24 - 4AM
indenial
indenial's picture

athena

My heart goes out to you. My head is in exactly the same place as yours. It is just so hard to get those questions out of our heads. I do think the advice we are getting is correct. Its just shit to hear the cold hard facts. My soul is recoiling from the truth. I don't want to accept it !! I want to be wrong about him ! I'm stuck still looking for a glimmer of hope and he's playing that to his advantage. The hardest part to accept is that he will just move on to someone else and give them all the beautiful treatment he gave me in the beginning. That kills me even if I say to myself I know what they've got coming to them that niggling voice says but what if they don't ? God its never ending. I think it took longer with his wife than with me because he didn't have options and she played the role he needed. But what he did to her once he had her stuck in his clutches was lie and cheat and live a double life behind. Her back and she threw him out but what she never knew was that he already had me so he didn't care. But from what I've pieced together as soon as the going got too tough with me and she looked like getting her life together he drew her back and took control while all the time living a double life with me. I told her about me and from his reaction that was the end of us. But no once he realised he hadn't broken me he came back with his mask to try and finish the job and I ripped it off again. I need to get angry again. I need to feel contempt and stop loving him. Keep posting because you are doing so much for yourself and for the rest of us. Hugs xx
Jun 24 - 7PM (Reply to #24)
Athena
Athena's picture

Indenial ((((((hugs4u)))))))

Dear friend, I really felt your head and heart and can tell both churn as mine. The advice we are getting is most certainly correct, even though it may be what is so hard for us to hear. I know it is correct, because I am acting on it and the 'return' is that I am recovering myself in the process. God, I was so sorry to read of your situation and I am without doubt that if I had married my boyfriend (what a favour his fear has done me) you could be the woman that in time I would have met and known through these type of men. What pain you must be in, I can only imagine, through my own and trying to 'layer' it upon the details of yours that are so different, but so dynamically alike mine... 'Contempt' is good, it feels horrible to own because we are compassionate women who I believe like to see the good in all things, but it to face the reality of these guys and to do so squarely, does I believe allow us to feel an emotion that we are entitled to feel and as such will become as 'Spinning' wrote to me, become our ally in this process. You really touched me by what you wrote, shame is what fills me, so to think I can 'spill' it here anonymously in such a way that helps me grow strong and may also help others is a comfort to that shame. Thinking of you and thank you for writing. Athena
Jun 23 - 3PM
Athena
Athena's picture

An update

He called me tonight and I took his call. I opened conversation - lightly - speaking only of 'nothing' I 'shut my mouth and opened my ears' as has been advised. Listening gave me power. We didn't talk for long. He told me that he thinks I'm wasting my time with him. I told him I have been thinking the exact same, and that I no longer want to be with him. I told him he is unable to be accountable for his behaviour and that this has hurt me. He said 'and I never see what I'm doing so wrong to hurt you.' I said 'exactly' and that is why this isn't working. He said he was sad, I said so was I because I love him, and he said he loves me too, but that we're not working. We ended with an agreement that I feel happy with. I will get my things from him and stay with a girlfriend at her villa, it's a beautiful country so I am looking forward to a week plus on the sea with friends. He has asked me to consider that he loves me and that he wants to come back to my country when I return. I laughed and said he's got a long way to go to prove that to me. He laughed too and said he will. Doesen't matter to me whether he does or doesn't now. I told you I'd get my stuff. Athena I feel relieved.
Jun 25 - 3PM
Athena
Athena's picture

Stronger every day :-)

I'm getting me back :-)
Jun 23 - 7AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Athena, braveheart...

...I'm glad to hear this spunk. The more you learn the more you will begin to feel it. This anger will be your good friend for a while and we will help you get through it. Athena, I was totally devastated by a psycho borderline freak at an age in life (I'm now 53) where I thought I would never, ever have a chance again at anything good in terms of a relationship with a man. I am almost 8 months NC and I am here to tell you that in those early weeks I literally thought I would die from the pain, confusion, CD and PTSD. I was a walking zombie (I spent six years with the sick disordered MF'er...pardon my language). Athena, sweet brave soul, I am also here to tell you that GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING in my life because I made a commitment to do whatever it took to move on, to heal, to get past it and began doing the work. I'm still doing the work and some days I have a bit of trouble, but NOTHING like it was in the early days. It is a process but I find that once I committed to really LETTING GO it made room for good things to enter into my life. I also did things for myself and stepped outside of the comfort zone when I wasn't sure if I was ready (I forced myself at about the three month NC mark) and let me tell you IT'S LED TO GREAT THINGS. Dear Athena, you will get there! I can tell you are trying and you are beginning to turn the corner. It's a commitment to a process. It's work. You can do it and we all here will help you. It's normal to have all these questions. That's what brainwashing does. To us 'normal' feeling people, we cannot wrap our brains around the chaotic way the disordered ones operate...the lies, the manipulations that they actually 'believe' in their crazed world. Soon enough you'll see that they are all the same, quite predictable and actually QUITE BORING! You will no longer be interested! Athena, I send you a big hug and good vibes for strength and clarity. Sincerely, (not) spinning. I RESIST ALL CHAOS AND CONFUSION. IT'S MY CHOICE TO STOP!

spinning

Jun 23 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
Athena
Athena's picture

Spinning- I feel your gentle soul, feels lovely :-)

Dearest (not) Spinning, Your message here really touched me, more, it put me in touch with the good person I am, reminding me of who I am, I'm no saint, but I have always tried to live and be in my life according to a way that I believe is true and real, loving and kind. Somehow this man has turned all that back on me, and a hollowness seemed to engulf all the good that is in me. Part of where I am at and you seem to intuit with such gentle wisdom, is that part of my ache, my fears is that in this hollow place it is so hard to see 'great things' without him. Even though terrible things have been what is with him. So your message has meant so much to me, I am so grateful to you for connecting with that unspoken part of me and voicing my fears, so brilliantly and with such loving warmth and encouragement. Thank you so much, I wish you could see into my heart right now and know the part of it that you have touched. It glows again because of you. Another thing that meant a lot to me in your message, is that you have managed to maintain the truth of what I am dealing with and who I am dealing with but withot the shock and horror that I have often felt. Somehow, whilst need to be shocked and horrified at the truth, it doesn't always help because it puts me in a place of tremendous fear. To hear that this man is 'boring' rather than a potential axe-wielding murderer, actually makes me stronger, the fear only puts me further into a place of vulnerability. Somehow you have sensed what I have needed to maintain and further develop spunk. For me scaremongering has not been working. To calmly consider that this person is disorderd with a maladapted brain and as such cannot be a loving partner, leaves me feeling far more in control and empowered. All the time I am constructing a model of him as a monster, satan, it just leaves me afraid of him which clouds my ability to get my thoughts back. In a way it actually gives him more power. Thank you for saying that I am brave and that you can hear that I am trying, this means so much to me, it is so soothing and encouraging, thank you so much for providing what I need to help me recover myself. Because of what you have written my commitment to doing the work I need to do to heal feels to have doubled in strength. It also meant a lot for me to read that you feel I am turning a corner, I feel this too. Thank you so much. He is calling me tonight and I have already noticed a change in me in response to his messages today which have tripled in intensity of frequency and bullshit: 'I'm missing you so badly baby', 'where is my beautiful girlfriend?', 'thinking of you makes me so hot and hard.' 'What I wouldn't give to make love to you now, I'd wouldn't stop f*****g with you until I dropped dead.' WHAT A MANIAC- that's right he won't stop 'f*****' WITH ME until I'M DEAD, is what he's saying. He's a complete ARSEHOLE, JERK. I know why, because I have radically and I MEAN radically reduced my availabilty and contact. He actually told me the other night when he couldn't reach me 'Baby, I felt so scared to think you are not there.' Well bitch you better get used to that (Oh My God I can't believe I just wrote that, feels strangely good :-) Once I would have melted under these words, now all I find myself feeling and thinking is 'you disgusting pig- I see you, for who you are, you will fool me no longer.' I wouldn't have been able to wake up and see what I see without you all here. I am almost afraid to consider the way I was going had it not been for you all here. I am not afraid of him anymore and I am beginning to feel much clearer about what I need to do. I am so, so sorry that you experienced 6 years of pain and then more when you realised you couldn't take any more. Thank you for sharing a little of your story, again, it helped though I am sorry that you ever had to go through something like this, in order to be here for me. I also feel like a zombie, but I am beginning to feel me again and that feels like heaven. I will maybe need to write again here after we speak, hope people are not getting tired of me. Take care of you gentle soul and thank you for you. Hugs in gratitude, Athena
Jun 23 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Answers

"Fog." Verbal, emotional & psychological abuse. What occurs is the "opposite-of-communication." Go back to the computer virus analogy. He's a virus short-circuiting your emotions & thoughts. & this is his purpose & he gets his jollies off doing this. Why induce you to tell your family & why tell his? Control. "never intended to follow through." Well, maybe in the beginning when he was all pumped up with his own illusions of perfection he shared. They "share" to get attention in that moment. Personality disordered people do not think of the future consequences of their actions. They only live in the present -- and say & do what they need to get in the present what they want. Or to inflict pain in the present to get a thrill if he is a sadist. They can change in a minute if another course of behavior is more effective to get what they want. And there is no accountability for what was said or done in the past. And there is no accountability for the future (ie, following through with promises.) "Playing you the fool." Bingo! There is an element of control here. This man may be downright "evil"--one who enjoys destroying others, discards them, & then blames them for all that occurred. "Truth in his words." Well. Much of what he told about himself, his past = manufactured mythology. There may be a shred or element of truth. But the story gets twisted & manipulated to suit his need at the moment. I met the woman who replaced me & his ex-wife. So I was able to compare his 3 versions of the same story. All three of us heard the mythologies of ourslves, & were able to compare & contrast. I was absolutely stunned to learn the layer-upon-layer of deceit my "brillant academic" operated upon. Mine only wore the "mask of sanity" outside the house. But inside the home he was insane. And they are insane to the girlfriend -wife because she adopts the role of the mother who gives UNCONDITIONAL love no matter what the child does. And instead of breast feeding, these dudes want money, sex & domestic/secretarial services from a woman. It's a master-slave relationship. "Better to the next?" We need a permanent entry somewhere on this site for this question. NO. He will do the same to her. It may be a variation on the theme because the abuse is specifically tailored to the vulnerabilities of the victim. And if he stays with a woman, she will always be miserable & have wasted her life in service to a personality disorder who cares nothing for her or her needs, only how useful she is. Met the ex-wife & the woman who replaced me. And heard tales of what he did to the one I replaced & the ex-wife. Same abuse everywhere. Wrote even the same lines in his love letters! Each one of us made him "happier than any women I have ever known." So there you have it. These guys are "serial." A woman is a plug, you, me, another. It doesn't matter. It's all scripted. He needs a woman body there to fill the role. But she's just a prop. The role is an object to abuse. It is the whole point of it. They need to abuse a woman. You cannot win, you cannot protect yourself while in conversation with him. A personality disordered individual plays by NO rules. They change the playing field all the time to suit their purpose in the moment. Why are you in conversation with him? A few cases of property? Nope. There are women here who have lost HUGE sums of money. Stayed on & hoped to get some back. But all they lost was more money & precious time from their lives. BAsically, it has to STOP being all about him -- it has to be about you. What are you going to do to move on? And the first step is NO CONTACT.
Jun 23 - 5AM (Reply to #18)
Athena
Athena's picture

Agnes

Dear Agnes, Thank you so much for this message. This is what I was looking for 'answers' not as it would suggest for the reasons to find a 'way forward with him' but to help me gain knowledge which will be my power and is proving such. What you wrote about why he would 'induce' not only my family members but his and why he would do this makes absolute sense to me now. He actually rang his father the night he was here drinking champagne with my family and WAS in that moment so excited. Also, I just couldn't understand why HE ENCOURAGED me to call his cousin and on whose property sits a chapel where we were to marry. She has even found an 'intellectual' priest that was to conduct the service this September. That is what really messed with my head (at this point anyway) the fact that he went SO FAR with plans. I never thought someone who had no intention of following through would go to this extent to hook me in, running the risk of having to explain why there is now a u-turn, to friends and family, that have been asking him since we met 'why are you not marrying Athena?'. I suspect from what you have written that he will put the blame at my feet as he already has with me 'I changed my mind because we started to fight so much' not for a moment recognising that the 'fights' all started with my putting my foot down to his disgusting tones of belittling and abusive looks. So now he can tell them all it's me. I don't give a shit anymore. What you wrote about the master-slave in relationship to acting out unconscious scripts drafted upon the relationship with his mother makes ABSOLUTE SENSE. I am starting to make it about me Agnes and I will start to play by my rules. I am going to get my things back, make no mistake about that, I have numerous options to do so that will ensure my safety. Thanks to God. I am already moving on, because I am waking up. I trust myself more than I ever have before, in this moment. I am so sorry for what you experienced with your 'brilliant academic' the parallels specific to him and my (cough) boyfriend are striking. I am so sorry, but I am also encouraged to hear how strong you sound after all you have been through, it gives me such hope that I will sound like you one day. I pray to God it will come soon. Thank you Agnes, Athena
Jun 22 - 1PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

ATHENA! Have you been doing

ATHENA! Have you been doing what you were advised? Have you been educating yourslf on thi topic at all? Have you taken all the steps needed to truly educate yourself? I am afraid what is happening here, is you are waiting ever so patiently to find one person, just one on this forum, that is going to give you the "green light" to move forward with your narc. You are asking questions, that have been answered numerous times. You must be trying to read between the lines in hopes that you will get an answer that you are looking for. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, educate yourself, read all you can on the topic, there are slight differences, here and there in regards to the narc but it is PRETTY CUT AND DRY, not a lot of holes in the theory. You are putting yourself through absolute HELL and you don't need to sweetie. The facts are in front of you and the facts are not the hard part, acknowledgement and moving on towards healing is the tough part. You really are struggling with wrapping your head around this whole thing. No matter how you slice it, the result is the same. Listen to your new found friends here, we are not here to hurt you, we are here to help. THIS IS HARD, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH IT, SOME WORSE THAN OTHERS.....I am begging you to close your open, wounded heart and open your closed eyes to this and start the healing process.......it is hard, I know
Jun 22 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Athena
Athena's picture

Sparrow

Argh Sparrow gimme a break. All I have been doing is reading and reading and more reading and my head is spinning from reading here, people's stories, articles, more articles, more, more. Please trust me, I am reading, I'm just finding it so hard to believe ok. I know I a putting myself through hell. I know and this is as much a part of the hell as being with him. I knew someone would consider my questions as a plea for a way forward with him, this is not true. My questions are in a bid to find an answer that will tell me I am not so f***d up as I am now believing myself to be to have ever been with this guy in the first instance. Can you understand that. If you have been through it, which clearly you have, can you understand how hard this is for me right now. Hard and painful. I know no-one is here to hurt me, I know that, but I don't know what's up from down just now, I'm so confused. I don't mean to throw back all that is being said to me, it's just really painful to hear. I'm really trying, I really am Sparrow. But as Michele said I know the times when he has been 'true' and those when he's bullshitting, all mixed together makes it so hard to walk away.
Jun 22 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Athena, my words were not

Athena, my words were not meant to hurt, I am sorry if they did. yes, I know all too well the pain that you are suffering, as well as all the other ladies on the forum. It hurts like nothing you have ever felt before. It is horrible and I feel terrible for you. I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody in the world. I wish for you, is to find a way, a path to understanding. This is not you, nothing that you did, nothing that you can change. It is a death. Period. And we have to mourn and find the strength to move on. You are mourning right now......the answers will come to you. They will. You need to focus, find a way to sort out all that is running through your head. The next few weeks will be the hardest, and that's when you have to stay strong. Find the strength, and you will be heading down the right road. I feel for you Athena, I honestly do. if I could make the pain go away for you, I would in a New York minute. Stay strong, keep reading and reaching out. Always know, you are not lone.
Jun 23 - 4AM (Reply to #12)
Athena
Athena's picture

Sparrow

Your words did hurt, only because I know I am trying, trying to see the truth and I am trying to hear all the words I read and know that they fit with this person. As you say it is hard because I believed him for two years, so to challenge that in days of reading is both head spinning and painful, I have never known a pain like this and life has brought me that before, but never like this. I am trying to sort out my thoughts, to focus, to detach from my emotions and stay in my head. You are right strength is what I need now, not self-pity. Thank you for writing.
Jun 23 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Athena

Self pity is okay, you've been the victim of a hit and run with a mac truck and the driver is eating a cheeseburger. Self pity for a time is okay, it's another natural feeling. It's all part of the process. This is a deep wound - soul shattering and extremely confusing...
Jun 25 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ha!

OK, I know this is not a funny topic, but I also find it helps to find moments of humor in a tragic situation. "....you've been the victim of a hit and run with a mac truck and the driver is eating a cheeseburger." My exN drives a truck and his favorite food is cheeseburgers.
Jun 24 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

So true...

And the narc is saying while you're bleeding to death, "Is it just me, or are the pickles on this burger a bit too tart?"
Jun 24 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

"Self pity is okay, you've

"Self pity is okay, you've been the victim of a hit and run with a mac truck and the driver is eating a cheeseburger." Holy crap, I love this! That's exactly what it's like!!!
Jun 22 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Athena...

My brain has never felt so mashed up in all my life. I know I won't get the answers I seek from him, but the circular agitation that I feel in trying to find them within myself is breaking me down as much if not more than he did. Ruminating, Cognitive Dissonance, Obsession... http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/12/07/cognitive-dissonance-leads-obsessive-thoughts http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/19/why-we-obsess-about-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/10/16/importance-feeling I know that on trying to get clarity from him I only got more fog. My brain is scrambling to make sense out of nonsense today, I hurt less in the heart but so much in my head. Can anyone help? So: why would he 'risk' involving his family in the news of our 'wedding', encouraging me to speak with family members of our plans if he never meant to follow through? I just don't get that AT THE TIME, HE MAY HAVE FELT THAT WAY; HOWEVER, THEY DON'T LOVE AND THEY DON'T ATTACH AND THE MARRIAGE HAD IT GONE THROUGH WOULD NOT BE BASED ON LOVE BUT HIS NEED TO SECURE AN ANCHOR ON WHAT WOULD LATER BECOME SECONDARY SUPPLY AND MAINTENANCE OF AN IMAGE THAT HE WAS NORMAL. I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER WHO YESTERDAY SAID THIS, BUT IN MOST CASES, FOR NARCS...MARRIAGE IN A SENSE IS SIMPLY PUT: THE SECURING OF A HOUSE MOUSE... What is he now telling them? I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT...SHE'S TOO CRAZY...AND OF COURSE THIS IS A PROJECTION OF HIM...YOU HAVE TO JUST DISMISS AND NOT WORRY WHAT HE'S SAYING ABOUT YOU... Why would he do all the things he does. I just don't understand. Why would he keep trying to keep me in his life only to play me like a fool. Why? IT'S A GAME OF CONTROL AND POWER...HE NO LONGER HAS USE FOR YOU BUT HE LIKES TO HAVE OWNERSHIP OF ANYONE THAT ENTERS THE REALM...THEY COME BACK TWENTY YEARS LATER IF IT SUITS THEM... Did anything he ever said over these past two years, ever mean anything? Was nothing true? NONE OF IT WAS TRUE, ALTHOUGH AT THE MOMENT GIVEN THE NATURE OF THE ILLNES, HE REALLY DID BELIEVE IT...JUST DIDN'T FEEL IT...WE HAVE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE FACTS OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER...NOT THE MOTIVATIONS OF THE DISORDERED AS THAT WILL DRIVE US NUTS!...JUST THE FACTS...LIKE YOU KNOW 2 PLUS 2 EQUALS FOUR...YOU DON'T QUESTION IT, YOU JUST KNOW IT... Why would someone do that, why? READ AND EDUCATE YOURSELF...IT IS A LOT OF REPITITION BUT THE MORE YOU READ AND RESEARCH FOR YOURSELF, THE CLEARER IT WOULD BE. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND, WE HAVE TO SHARE AND GET IT OUT, BUT IT IS EASIER TO OWN THAT WHICH YOU SEEK AND LEARN FOR YOURSELF VS. GETTING IT FILTERED FROM SOMEONE ELSE. I CAN TELL YOU ALL ABOUT NARCS, AND YOU CAN TAKE ME AT MY WORD - BUT WHEN YOU DO THE RESEARCH YOURSELF YOU SEE THAT THOUSANDS OF PROFESSIONALS SAY THE SAME THING AND THAT SOMEHOW MAKES IT MORE CREDIBLE... When I finally get strong to leave him, will he really be just the same in his next relationship? The thought that he may treat her better than me, is killing me, making me feel I wasn't good enough. Even though I can't imagine him being with anyone soon after this happens. Oh God, I'm hurting so much. RESEARCH AND READ... As much as his actions hurt me, so now do these questions. I'd be so grateful to any response that can ameliorate my pain. SHARING, VENTING, FEELING YOUR FEELINGS, THIS WILL ALL IN TIME HELP THE PAIN DISSIPATE...I PROMISE! Finally, can anyone, anyone tell me how until I break from him I can take care of myself whilst in conversation with him? http://ezinearticles.com/?Narcissism-and-Caregiver-Survival---6-Top-Strategies-to-Use-When-Communicating-With-a-Narcissist&id=3190749 and THERE ARE OTHER RESOURCES ONLINE DEALING WITH HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE INDIVIDUALS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE... Hugs!
Jun 22 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Athena
Athena's picture

Michele

Thank you Michele, what you have written has made such sense to me, thnak you also for the links, I have now read them all and will do so again. You are so kind. Athena
Jun 22 - 12PM
Athena
Athena's picture

p.s. omitted question

To anyone here au fait with my story, is my boyfriend a narcissist or borderline, he appears to exhibit features of both illnesses??? Thank you all so much for your support, it's all I have. Athena
Jun 24 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Good news for you is...

both are disorders, and either incurable or at best take years and years of voluntary therapy with a huge does of willingness on the part of the patient. One in a million at best. And even then if cured maybe all the good stuff will be gone too, since the good stuff was just a projection of what he saw in you and mirrored back so that you fell in love with yourself. That's what they do, btw. So good news, he's toast either way, adios to the disordered one. You are lucky, you will see, hang in there.
Jun 23 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Athena we can't really diagnose, we're not doctors

But there is a possibility of dual diagnosis. Many of us have to do extensive research to come to a conclusion, you are not alone on this at all. It takes time to understand, grasp and then own... That's why the first few steps are all about researching then getting it out. Once you begin to understand it the "shock" is what takes you down...this is not going to be a 1-2-3- process... Hugs!
Jun 23 - 4AM (Reply to #3)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Diagnosis

The diagnosis is not relevant. What is relevant is that the man has no intention of marrying you or making a life with you. He wasted your time for TWO years! Induced you to quit your job & leave your home, family, friends and country. Who or what he is -- irrelevant. What you are is what matters here. Are you going to be a long-distance mistress? One who visits for awhile & then leaves when he needs his space? This will continue until HE decides to terminate you as his long-distance mistress. This could be days, weeks, months, or years. And he plays this game because he can & you allow it. Or, are you going to cut your losses? Start you life over again by finding a new job, a place to live, reconnect with your old friends who no longer want to hear about his assh*le because he is a waste of their time & your time. Go out eventually & find a new lover & possibly a partner to create a home & a family with. And all this may occur in your country of origin not in some other "better" geographical location.
Jun 23 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
Athena
Athena's picture

Agnes

I needed to hear this Agnes. I did not want to be in a long distance relationship any longer and as he was tied to his contract until late this autumn, I decided to come to him, it was my decision but encouraged and suppported by him, because I told him that I couldn't deal with being in a long distance relationship anymore. So I already called his game when I went in April and I see what this provoked in him. I have to acknowledge my own responsibility in the decisions I made. He did not force me to come to him, but he most certianly did encourage me. The promise of marriage seemed to 'even out' my action of shoiwng commitment, his clearly did not. You are right by having to leave because I couldn't stand to be with him a moment longer, he in effect 'set up' the return to a long distance relationship with which suits him better, not me. I know I have to cut my losses and I am resolutely commited to this in my mind, the physical 'doing' of this is the hard part, but I will get there, I know I will. I am already starting looking for jobs. Thank you for giving me hope to believe that I can get my life back and may in time, meet someone deserving of me, it's all I ever wanted, I got my career set, attained all my academic goals and was ready to put on hold explanding my career as I was ready in myself to settle down and have a family. He ticked all the boxes and he knew this is what I wanted. He has played me like a toy, but not any more. What I am going through here with you all is the mourning of all the hopes I had invested in him. I know he has no intention of marrying me. Do you know what he said to me shortly after I came back? We were talking about acquiring permanent residency in his country and he said 'the easiest thing for us to do would be to get married, but I suppose you don't want to do that now?' Sick f**k - I now realise that this was to put me in a double bind, what self-resepcting woman would want to marry a man just to acquire legal status to work and live in a country with a PIG. He knew that I would say 'of ocurse not' this supporting him beautifully in his sick game. Bastard. I hate him.
Jun 22 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Most definitely both.

Most definitely both.