Narcissist or not my heart is broken into a million pieces HELP :(

Narcissist or not my heart is broken into a million pieces HELP :(
1

Having a rough one. Crying all day...
Despite his disorder, I truly loved him.
I didn't know he was sick. I thought he was slightly broken like me, like most of us in this world.
Unlike him, I have a heart full of love. I truly loved him. He was the love of my life -and I was his...and so I thought.
I swear I felt love from him! I could bet my life on it! Deep love!
WTF?
Are they truly that scary?
I struggle with him not capable of love and now him with this much younger girl... maybe she's the one.I know we all ask this... But what if? We don't know for sure!
Then I struggle with "maybe he isn't disordered, maybe he and I were a bad match?"
I am so messed up. I feel lost and scared that I won't ever get over him and this horrible broken heart. This is the worst pain I've ever felt.
And he is out having fun and living his life. Why does he deserve that? How is that fair?
I'm really low tonite. Needs some loving words of encouragement.
Why did he do this to me? How could he? He has completely cut me off. So cold. Can't stop crying!!!!!

:(

dudette's picture

TSLM

I cannot add to all the very sensible and true things that the other ladies have been saying here...

It is the truth, the painful one....

He is disordered and will not change. They just do not....
A million hugs to you honey. That pains sucks the life out of us like the narcs used to...
it's just not fair, is it?

x x x x

kgirl's picture

TLSM....I can just feel your

TLSM....I can just feel your pain and the depths of your despair. I have been there and I could have written that at times as well. It's so awful to realize all that wonderful love was us and what we put into it.....they are just a predator saoking it all up from us. It is such a harsh and painful realization.
You're beautiful, kind, generous....like so many of the amazing women on this board. And that's why they do it...they want those things all for themselves....they are empty inside.
I hope you slept well and feel better this morning.
Sending you vibes of strength, peace and healing....
~KG

Steph's picture

TLSM

I just found your story.

It wreaks of one VERY disordered person! And that person, is NOT you.

No. This is NOT a case of maybe you "weren't a good match".

NO NO NO.

He is a manupilative CON ARTIST. He's a psychopathic freak.

He saw your picture and thought you looked like a "wounded bird that needed to be taken care of" ?????

He's reaching out to your "vulnerable" ( which we all have) and playing you.... and by doing so implying that HE is the one that can "understand" you. CLASSIC.

You summed that up in your story by saying " He was dead on to my overly trusting character and vulnerability from a rough childhood".

You are 100% correct. Narcs/sociopaths/psychopaths...whatever we call them....can sniff out potential prey from a mile away....in your case, SEVERAL miles away, and over the internet. He's experienced.

After a week of communicating and never meeting, he convinces you to be exclusive? Again, CLASSIC.

And his ex wife ( that he cheated on for 4 years) and ex girlfriend that he left the wife for...are BOTH crazy? Oh my.

You say his stories changed and if you called him on it, you were punished with the silent treatment. You find out he was with other women in Hawaii and you get the silent treatment. Again, I have to say it, CLASSIC.

He has a party and tells you he can speak with whatever women he wants, but you can't talk to other guys...and if you do, you will no longer be invited/welcome there?

And then his OWN grown children warn you that he is "sick" and that you have been "warned".

His brother confesses to you that the "love of your life" has been cheating....with prostitues while in Mexico....and he ditched your daughters bday for this? ...and he makes you feel like you are "crazy" for talking to his brother?

This man is SICK. MANIPULATIVE and SICK. PATHOLOGICAL.

This has NOTHING to do with you.

The new girl he is with will soon become the next "crazy ex". Trust that.

You are still deprogramming from his brainwashing and what you are feeling now....the questions etc, is not uncommon or abnormal given what you have been exposed to and have been through.

Any outsider reading your story though...can see clearly that this man is a disordered. SEVERELY disordered.

I know maybe you can't trust yourself now...cuz it's too fresh....but trust those that have been through this and made it to the other side. Trust everyone here that tells you that YOU are not and never have been the problem.

HE IS NOT NORMAL.

You were conned and victimized. It happens to even the strongest of people.

Stick with NC. Stick to "getting it out" here, where you are safe to do so. And keep reading as much as you can about abusers.....whether they are Narcs/borderlines/ or whatever. Keep reading. Keep posting.

Thinking of you. You WILL get through this.

xoxoxoxo

Monica's picture

Their children....

"And then his OWN grown children warn you that he is "sick" and that you have been "warned"."

This was the hardest thing about leaving my xN. I felt so bad for his teenage children. I would have been able to offer them so much stability and normalness in their lives...something they never really had from either their mother or their father. My heart breaks for them now that I am not going to be part of their lives. xN kept me away from them for the most part (even though he met and got to know my own children, FB friends, referred to my daughter as his step-daughter, the whole thing). He said he wasn't "ready" to introduce me to his kids. (I now know he wasn't planning on keeping me around very long.) I accidentally met his oldest and we hit it off right away. The kid would ask to speak to me on the phone even though we weren't "allowed" to spend time together unless it was unplanned or accidental. Now I am gone and they are left to the craziness on their own. My heart breaks for them.

TLSM's picture

WOW SS78! I needed that!

I needed that desperately. Though it may be obvious to everyone else, I WANT to be told, that without a doubt, even though we are not Dr's, you truly and GENIUNLEY believe he is disordered.
I cannot properly have an objective point of view of my own situation. Someday I will and I am starting to see it, but there is always doubt that he knew I wasn't the one, therefor he would never make the effort. And that he was more attracted to and has more chemistry with this young girl. That maybe she is more mellow and more of a stable person than me. That is exactly how I feel. I just can't rationalize everything.
I loved everything you wrote!
Thank you for reading my story. It was sooo long and I know impossible to remember every detail!
The Freak was actually having an affair for 5 years behind his wifes back!
He didn't cheat on me in Hawaii, he was just mean and said I was boring when I planned all the excursions.
Ass! Like I said, it would be almost impossible to remember every detail that long-ass story!
Although I don't have proof, I can bet he has cheated multiple times.

The most damaging is what he did at the very end- the last D&D. That was horrid. But I know it would be worse if we were engaged to be married.
Thanks again for your awesome post!!! It kicked ass!!!
Thank you for looking out and after all of us newbies and oldies.
Looking forward to being an oldie!

xoxoxoxoxo!

Steph's picture

TLSM

"I cannot properly have an objective point of view of my own situation".....

Totally understable. It's hard enough at the best of times to look at our selves, our situations objectively....let alone when you coming out of a toxic relationship/abuse.

People that haven't been through it just don't understand why we "don't get it' he was a jerk "move on"....but those that have been through it, know it just isn't that simple.

That's why this board is so importannt. It's a safe place to "get it out" as many times as you require and have your experience validated.

What you are going through right now is a normal part of the aftermath.

Stay NC and the fog will lift. Soon you won't need to keep asking "was he this or was it me? etc".

You will know.

Hang in there!

xoxo

candy's picture

staying strong

where do you find peoples stories, i cant seem to find them, anyone help ????

michele115's picture

SHARE YOUR STORY

Ladies,

Lisa has created a new share your story thread it is at the top of this forum where the rules, and the welcome are...it is entitled "Share your Story"

Old stories have not been removed, and I ask that you kindly cut and past your old(er)Share Your Story stories...LOL I hope that makes sense...

The Old(er) Stories are also in the 1-3 forum. To locate it easily click on 1-3 forum then click Topic. That will alphabetize the list.

Then scroll down to find your story.

Then if you will, cut and paste into the new section so we have a newer thread with the members who are in the 1-3 forum. This will make it easier to access.

Of course this is optional.

Hugs!

Used's picture

MICHELLE

re storys, i dont know how to cut and paste, sorry.

michele115's picture

USED...

When you locate your story...click on your story.

Then go to your browser...and left click to highlight the link.

Once the link is highlighted in your browser, RIGHT click. this will give you another menu...what you want to do is select COPY

The link will be "imaginarily" carried I envision it as being held in the mouse...LOL

THEN click on Steps 1-3 Forum

Once back in the forum, locate the SHARE YOUR STORY THREAD it is at the top of the Forum...and is titled...SHARE YOUR STORY.

Enter Share Your story. You will see Lisa's Message explaining what Share Your Story is all about.

Scroll down to the END of LISA's message. On the bottom right you will see: Add Comment.

Click on that. When you Add the Comment, you will get the screen to Add Comment.

In the Subject Line Type Used's Story then drag your mouse into the COMMENT SECTION and click paste.

That should place the link to your story in the Comment Section.

From there, I will go in and do some other cutting and pasting so that your story is presented not as a link, but written out for others to view easily. If you still have a problem, let me know and I will see if I can locate and get your story up there.

FOR NEW MEMBERS WHO HAVE NOT POSTED A STORY YET...JUST GO TO THE SHARE YOUR STORY SECTION AND POST AWAY.

Hugs!

Used's picture

michelle

i hate to sound negative , but i dont understand any of that and wont be able to in a million years, technical i aint, computer literate i aint, narc living breathing humaniods, now that i do get...lol

michele115's picture

Used

You don't sound negative...I'll try to find your story and post it...

Hugs!

Used's picture

michelle

thank youx

michele115's picture

Used

My pleasure...and it's been posted.

Hugs!

Used's picture

my story

i have just read my story again, first time since i wrote it, and all i could think, was that it, i squashed over 31 years of marriage into that, why hadnt i wrote about all the rest of it,him not working, in and out of prison, the violence, the lies, why havent i told the whole story? b/c
i just dont care now.IT WAS WHAT IT WAS AND NOW ITS OVER.that medication and eating for england was my defences kicking in, if i had stayed looking like the high spirited girl i was at 16, i wouldnt be here now to tell the tale, i just gave up and he thought he had broken me, i cannot write any more about this, its dead and now i must bury itx

TLSM's picture

yes!?

There used to be a share your story thread. It disappeared!
Also, is the a "Search" option here?

Steph's picture

Ah, I am SO sorry you are

Ah, I am SO sorry you are having a shitty night.

What you have written, are almost identical words that I have previously written, and I think it's safe to say, everyone here has written, or if not written, definately felt.

This is a shitty time you are in, no doubt. And I know telling you "it will get better" doesn't seem possible to you right now.

Have you posted your story? I'm going to look for it again, I probably just missed it.....

Gonna go look again....but wanted to send a quick cyber hug your way first.

Will be in touch soon:)

TLSM's picture

SS78

Thank you very much!
I got a private mess from Michele and I think its wonderful how much the moderators REALLY look out for our hard times here!
I feel so safe here. Honestly, this board has been everything to me lately!!!
My story is so long! Its embarrassing.
Here is link.
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/04/09/tlsms-story

Steph's picture

thanks for the link! I found

thanks for the link! I found it after my last reply and replied above:)

xoxo

gettinbetter's picture

Its hard to believe that

Its hard to believe that these people have the emotional landscape of a serial killer. They are one rage or disaster from it. It really is true. They are absolutely capable of it. As I watched the craigslist kiler movie I rwally began to realize how dangerous these guys are. He seemed like a great kid. He had everything going for him and he sure appeared to love his fiance. All the while looking for sex with trangenders. Looking for partners to engage in submission and dominance. He had 17 pairs of womens panties under the mattress he shared with his fiance. He would do this shit and then go pick out china. It really is unbelievable and who could forget scott peterson took at that guy would anyone have believed he was capable of that heinous crime. My god he murder his wife and baby and tossed them in the water as if they were trash. Not unlike the way we have been tossed away. Only for some reason they have spared our lives. But who knows what set them off one day and caused them to all of a sudden start committing those heinous acts. I mean one day they were just narcs going about life lying and using people and then one day out of the blue it all turned very sinister. What triggered it? No one knows

Oh wait and in true narc fashion phiilp markoff markoff had to inflict one last round of pain before he committed suicide. He committed suicide on what would have been their one year wedding anniversary and wrote her name in blood all over the wall. As if he hadn't inflicted enough pain on that poor girl who never did anything but love him. You see he had to make his suicide an attempt to illicit supply. Even that was all about him and his needs. Sick sick

TLSM's picture

Yikes!

I didn't know the panties part. I need to see that movie.
Scott Peterson was the scariest of killers. I was 8 months like Laci when she went missing and they lived in same area and it really freaked me out.
That girl he had an affair with- Amber something, wrote a book and I have it and I remember her saying how perfect and wonderful he was.
Omg. I need to find that book!!!

sara-smile's picture

TLSM

I'm so sorry you are having a bad night! It seems like it's been a bad week for a lot of us!

This is from your story - Because I have been dealing with a very cunning, calculating, brainwashing evil man.
He excitedly hunts for his prey. And I was a great catch, vulnerable as hell.

He also told me his ex GF - the one he left his wife for was also crazy and stalked him. In fact, since her, all women stalk him...RED FLAG.

His stories would ALWAYS change and were never consistant. When we'd argue, he'd punish me by hanging up and ignoring me for days. Nothing EVER got resolved.

He told me that I cannot flirt, talk with any men, talk to Sugar Ray (what?), I couldn't drink because he thought that would exaggerate the flirtations he would have with these women. He said I am not to get upset if he talks to women. If I didn't obey, I couldn't come. When I got down there, I had the WORST feeling in my stomach. He was SO distant. Didnt want to have sex. He said he was preoccupied with party. I knew something was up.

My dad is a very sick man. You have been warned."

Those are just a VERY FEW things that jumped out from your story!

MAYBE HE ISN'T DISORDERED? Are you kidding me? His daughter knows he's disordered!

Maybe she's the one? No no no no no no! They don't have ONE! THe have MANY!

Why did he do this to me? Because he is a sick psycho Narc!

TLSM - YES they are TRULY this scary. Looking back on mine it scares me to DEATH! Scares me!!! They only care about themselves and they are CRUEL and emotionless MONSTERS!

You are having a bad night. You know all the answers because I've seen you post over and over to other ladies who needs help! You've been so much help to ME! I've had a rough couple of days and it happens. It probably will for a long time but you will get through this and it WILL PASS!

Go back and read your story. It might making you raging mad instead of sad!!

Hugs to you!!! Sorry you are having a bad night! :(

Arwen's picture

Yay sarah smile!

LOVED LOVED LOVED YOUR REPLY IT MADE ME FEEL Better tonight too XOXOXOXOXO

sara-smile's picture

Thanks PG

It seems like we are all a little OFF this week! Not sure what is up with all of us but I hope it passes SOON!

TLSM's picture

HA! SARA!

Thank you!
You wrote:
"Those are just a VERY FEW things that jumped out from your story! MAYBE HE ISN'T DISORDERED? Are you kidding me? His daughter knows he's disordered! "
Omg! That made me laugh out loud! This is exactly what I was asking for! I want to be told, that without a doubt, he is f*cked up AND this young girl will be screwed.
Its still hard to believe when its ME trying to accept this. I truly believe all other stupid narcs that have been mentioned, will indeed repeat patterns.
But mine? Nope. Hard for me to believe. You know what I mean, jelly-bean?

sara-smile's picture

Me too TLSM

I get that part about it's hard when it's ME! My Narc is chronic cheater and liar! He's cheated on the new GF with ME and I still think he's gonna be happy with her! Heeeeee! Maybe WE are the disordered ones because we keep thinking this CRAP!

He told me the last time I talked to him he was going to change his life and he wasn't going to cheat on her! Can I hear BULLSHIT!? He won't for awhile to prove a point but he'll get bored and he'll be jumping on the first thing that moves! I KNOW this in my head but I still have doubts! What the hell is that about?

Good Lord! They have screwed us up! We can't see the truth when it slaps us in the face OVER AND OVER!

Hang in there TLSM! It's just a shitty day and it will pass.

He IS disordered! Repeat after me......HE IS DISORDERED!

TLSM's picture

Thanks GF!

At least your ex N still wants to give you attention. I KNOW! Its NOT a good thing, but my ego is shot to hell!
The ex freak dumps this 28 year old on the phone, infront of me, next day he was going to buy me an engagement ring, backs out, I break up w him and then next day he says he wants to "try" with her. All within 3 DAYS! And cut me off as I begged for him back! UGH!
She posted pic of both of them on her fb profile pic which killed me! So now they are in love. Completely cut me off. Wants nothing to do with me after he was going to propose-something I've been praying for, for 4 years!. Now he is with her.
I'm dead to him and that hurts.

sara-smile's picture

TLSM

So now you need to be thanking God for unanswered prayers!! Can you imagine a life of his insanity? Always wondering where he is and what he's doing?

My Narc doesn't want anything to do with me anymore since I threatened his job and to tell his GF! LOL He was asking me to marry him at the same time he was asking her to marry him! Sick F-er! They are deranged and delusional!

It's best he stays away from you! If he doesn't you have to listen to his LIES and BS and it just confuses you more! I'm so much better since he FINALLY decided to leave me alone!

And by the way.......she posted that FB pic to get to YOU! She's delusional too! She'll see it soon. You know she will.

TLSM's picture

Yessssss!

I think you nailed it. She knew I saw her "liking" pics and posts on his FB business page.
I saw her liking things AFTER he dumped her and professed his love for me, on speaker phone with me listening!
Why would she do that?
She's either got it bad for him or he called her right after the dump to soften the blow -to keep her on his string.
WOW
Now Sara, this is Very childish what I did. I'm not proud of this. But!
A week after he D&D'd me,I saw what she looked like on his FB business page-which I knew nothing about!
I emailed him and said
"Wow. I saw a pic of your little twinkie. I'm sorry and this is immature, but seriously? I've been upset about that?"

I know. I embarrassed myself. He never responded to me.
So I know he told her that, so you are right. She did it to burn me.

sara-smile's picture

TLSM

Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! LOL LOL! After I saw my Narc's new GF I started calling her CHUNK! Isn't that AWFUL!? I would always say "the chunky new Gf" or anything else I could think of referring to her size. I have no idea why I was so AWFUL it wasn't her fault he found his new victim. He is all about image......HIS IMAGE so I knew that it would KILL him if I didn't think she was beautiful. I even went so far as to tell him that his friends thought the same thing. It drove him nuts. Obviously not too nuts cause he's still with her! I'm sure he tortures her about her weight and would have done that even if I hadn't said a word.

So TLSM we ALL do crazy stuff because the IDIOTS drove of crazy!!! I turned into a complete lunatic!!! I can't even post some of the things I did. Nothing illegal! Just some things to torture him! :)

She did post the FB pic to burn you so just ignore her! She's already insecure and why shouldn't she be!!?? Look what he did to her!!! Stupid Narc!

TLSM's picture

HA SS!

Chunk! LOL!!!
Ok...I also called her a bagger! You know, she's so ugly he has to put a bag on her head when he screws her.
I could've called her a double-bagger...Not only does she need to wear a bag on her head, but so does he incase hers falls off! Lol
But I didn't.
I'm pathetic for saying that because she is actually cute. Really cute- in a blonde college-party -girl kind of way and we know how thet will age.(she's not as cute as me!)
I'm sure a lot of us scorned women did crazy stuff. The narcs insanity is contagious.
I haven't looked at her profile pic or his business website in almost 2 weeks. Seeing that pic of them 2gether killed me. I don't ever want to see that again.

It was sooo immature of me! But like your ex, my ex totally worries about his image so I know it bugged him a little bit. Maybe it made him like her more? Whateva.

Deidre40's picture

{{{hugs}}} I am so very

{{{hugs}}} I am so very sorry. We all know your pain.

May I ask...is your story on here somewhere where I can read more? I just want to get the full gist of what happened between you both.

TLSM's picture

Oh Deidre!

You're so sweet to want to know my background/story.
Its a long and rushed story. Couldve done better. Oh well.
Would you give me link to yours too?

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/04/09/tlsms-story

Redhead1's picture

You didnt make him do the

You didnt make him do the things he done. He is that way on his own. My Narc was mean as heck and I never reacted crazy. I always just said you know if thats what you want, feel etc then ok. When I did call him out, he- would say I was putting my spin on it. I just learn to skate around him. He looked at that like I didnt care. I mean if he wants to go date, that's his choice. It hurt me, but I am not his mommy or his conscience. I was suppose to beg, cry and give him reasons why I was so much better than the other women. Why I didnt deserve to be ignored. Why I should be his choice. Balonie, thats childs play. You made none of his reactions what they were. You just happen to be on the receiving end of them. The next one he is in a relationship will get the same treatment. Just like, without healing and growing, I will get the silent treatment, neglect etc. I allowed him to do that, but I will not let another man do it. I have also stopped people in my family from overstepping my boundries. I am rambling, but hope you understand xoxoxo

TLSM's picture

me too!

Thank you!!!
I am making my boundries stronger where friends and family are concerned since this has happened.
I want to believe he will treat girl the same. Its very hard.