Trying2Overcome's Story
Trying2Overcome's Story
Hello to everyone and God Bless you all! I feel like I should stand up and say "Hi, my name is Carla, and I am an addict" What I am addicted to is a controlling, game playing, evil narcissist .. I thank God for this website and others like it because I am learning alot about myself as well as him. I feel "less" crazy now that I realize what has been going on and that there are actually other people that have experienced this and felt the same things I do .. I am amazed how many times I have read my own story on this site. I dated my N on and off for the last 2 years (immediately after I left my husband) At first, it was the most fulfilling thing I have ever experienced. He was sweet and thoughtful and charming. He LOADED me with attention and affection .. which you should know I got NONE of in my marriage. So I went from Famine to FEAST which was addicting. He knew what I needed because we had been friends/co-workers for 7 years. It all seemed to good to be true and I had found my soulmate .. it was a made for TV movie. I thought God himself had sent this man to me because he knew how lonely and love starved I was ... you get the picture. All this soon gave way to bouts of childish jealousy, unfounded accusations among other things that would either cause him to pout or rage .. he alternated, sometimes in the same pointless fight. If I didn't call when he thought I should, if I didn't text back quickly enough, if I was busy and couldn't have lunch etc. I thought "What have I done now"
He was so perfect .. it must be me that is causing this. he accused me of being selfish because I was in a "selfish" marriage where I was given nothing .. so now I was unable to give myself. Ever notice they use the very intimate hurts they know about you against you in the end? We had to be in CONSTANT contact. We talked on the way to and from work, texted all day .. as soon as I woke up in the morning it started. early on I thought .. wow .. this is a little much but hey .. the outbursts became more frequent and he began to "break up" with me, or hang up and not take calls or refuse to see me. All of it felt like he was constantly trying to "punish" me like a child for disappointing him .. and it could be something as simple as we sat close and I didn't reach over and touch him for a couple of minutes because I was looking at a magazine or I went to the grocery store and didn't tell him .. I couldn't make this stuff up you know!! He constantly complimented me and told me how much he loved me and was quick to remind me that NOONE had ever or would ever love me as he did. The thing about the praise is, in one breath he would build me up and in the next he would tear me down. I was flirty looking for attention, he thought my blouse was too revealing, I was selfish and ungiving .. all of which was usually when something didn't go his way. I stayed confused and I felt totally crazy. I found myself feeling exhausted and drained because my every waking hour was spent trying to figure out what I had done wrong and how to right it again to get the guy I fell in love with back. It was NEVER enough. No matter how much time I spent with him or what I did he found fault and reminded me that I didn't love him enough .. I caused him to be insecure. yuck Did I mention that in-between all of this I have 3 children that I was trying to care for and I barely had anything left to give them because he sucked the life and the light right out of me. The good thing about writing this here .. is I feel everyone of you reading it will understand. Everyone else thinks I am crazy and should just get over him. We broke up last summer for about 5 weeks during which time he dated someone else and still slept with me atleast once a week .. I lost 20 lbs in a month and almost had a nervous breakdown .. he had me convinced I was the problem so I begged and pleaded and became someone I do not recognize to get him back .. and so he came. Be careful what you wish for. At first it was euphoric again .. but soon gave way to the endless demands he put on me and yet was still not happy. There was something else in my gut knawing .. besides I knew something in his personality was not right .. something told me as jealous as he was and as much as he accused me of outlandish things .. I had previously thought he would NEVER cheat but suddenly I wasn't so sure .. so I began snooping and being paranoid .. much like him. To my dismay I found a few things that led me to think he had been talking to some women when we were together .. and so I kept it up .. my gut told me he had not cut contact with the girl from the summer .. and long story short .. he hadn't. The very things he accused me of .. were the very things he was doing. Swears he didn't physically see her .. even had her call me to assure me. It was innocent texts and a couple of phone calls .. mostly initiated by her .. but repsonded to by him all the same. He assured me it was "only a few times" and he barely answered ... well his phone records I hacked into said different .. and when confronted with that he raged and told me "I never said it was only a few times" hmmmmm ... who is crazy here??? Anyways ... that compounded with the fact that he that he totally flipped on his x-wife and spit on her in front of his kids as well as mine did it for me. My kids are where I had to draw the line. OF COURSE .. no relationship with the N would be complete without their return and our weakness to have them .. so that is where I am. We broke up the first of January .. but I work with him so I can't be total NC. I have to see him a couple times a week (he works out of the office) I have been weak and met him a few times .. we have have been intimate and had long talks of working it out. Of course that would be dependent on me since I am the problem. If I had given him more attention he wouldn't have felt the need to "talk" to someone else and seek other attention .. (yes, he actually said that) I keep a safe distance because I CAN'T go back .. my kids would move out on me .. they hate him. So, there is no real danger in me fully going back but why do I miss him and his attention?? I know I fell in love with someone that does not exist .. so my brain can't make sense of what my heart feels. He comes back for supply every couple of weeks .. even when we have talked or been together for a few days when my kids are gone .. I know he is talking to and seeing other women .. but I am the one he loves and he would come back and be faithful if I would committ .. the last time I went back into his phone records and saw that he had been sending pics (dirty no doubt) back and forth with someone .. so I texted the number and it was a girl he met online and had been talking to but had not met in person yet .. dirty pics first you know??!! Who is he??? not the upstanding moral honest guy he sold himself as. He is like a bad politician ... that pretty much did me in and I threw up for the next 3 days until I could gain some strength back. true to form .. its been a couple of weeks and since Friday he has been trying to contact me .. and I am proud to report that today .. he came in my office leaned all over top of me while I looked something up for him .. smelling and looking good .. wanted to know why I wouldn't look him in his eyes .. I ignored and went on to give him his answer about work .. then in his sexy voice .. he asked "Do you want to kiss me"
(deep breath) .. I said NOPE .. I think he was stunned when he asked "Why not?" To which I did look up and answer "Because I REFUSE to go backwards" he threw his papers on my desk and said "FINE" and stormed out like a child. Haven't heard from him since (secretly I wanted to .. sick huh?) it took all I had .. it was the FIRST time in over 2 years I rejected his advances .. feels kinda good!!!! I think I can do this! I pray I can. I NEED to show him .. HE AIN'T ALL THAT ... and he is losing control over me each day. btw .. I blocked his numbers from my home and cell weeks back and it was the best thing I ever did!!! It frees me somewhat when I am not at work to know he can't send a random text or call .. I don't sleep well and he is my last thought at night and the first in the morning .. but its getting better.
I am so glad I found this site and I have been reading and drinking up all the stories because it is really helping me. I have printed out a few things and keep them in my nightstand so when I feel weak I pull them out and re-read them and remind myself what an unhealthy, life-sucking danger he is. If there is one thing I can say to anyone weak like myself, who may be having a "maybe just this once" moment when you think you can get a quick fix of them and stay in control .. DO NOT lie to yourself .. it will take you 100 steps backwards .. even just once!! And they will quickly turn on you or try to control you and you will hate yourself for giving in .. If there is one thing I do not miss .. it is walking on eggshells contantly afraid to do or say the wrong thing because I will set him off and have to endure his wrath and critisism .. he undermined everything I ever knew was right and true and I struggle each and every day to get back what he stole from me .. what I ALLOWED him to steal. Once you know .. there is is strength in your knowledge and they can no longer abuse you unless YOU LET them .. do not go back .. Go NC if you have a choice .. there are better days ahead for all of us .. I just know it!!!
Much Love
Carla
what is our final breaking point?
almostlydia
your doing so well..
thank you
I give you so much credit
You are stronger than you think Sad1
thank you for your encouragement
sad1
Ending the dance
I appreciate it but I don't
I hope you are doing some
thank you trying2overcome