Random moments of anger

Most of the time, I'm good. I rarely think about the CarrotNarc, at least in terms of me and him. I have accepted that what I loved was an illusion. I miss what I thought we had, not what we really had.

But every now and then, an overwhelming anger hits me---on behalf of my son, whom he donated the sperm to help create. I struggle at those times, with accepting that my son's father is not capable of being a daddy. I struggle with the anger over being a single mom at age 37 for a baby---when I never planned on having more kids! My son doesn't even get a part time dad---at least his half siblings have a dad half of the time. I struggle with Father's day coming up and my son has a mother for a father. I hate this. This is the only area that I struggle with remaining neutral about during our limited interactions. I still want to lash out sometimes, to tell him what I think about him as a person, a father, a husband. But I'm smart enough, in control enough, even during those moments, to know that to do that would be giving him supply.

When does it stop? Why can't I get over this anger in this one area? My son doesn't know any different, why should I be upset about something that he doesn't even realize is different?