ATM No More's story

Where to start?

I met my exNarc 2 years ago through an online site. He was a couple of years younger than me, quite attractive and his profile was impressive. We realized we both volunteered for the same organization and decided to travel together to work at an out-of-town event. I got a hotel room and he was supposed to get his room paid by the organization (he said) because he was an organizer for the event. We ended up staying together. We worked all day at the event, and he ignored me. He had several women flirting with him. At the end of the day's activities we went to get a bite to eat. He drank more than he ate. Back at the hotel we shared a bottle of wine that I bought. We had sex that night, but it was awful. The next day, he ignored me again, flirted with every woman he saw and didn't understand why I was confused. Over the next few months we didn't exactly date so much as he would come to my house to eat and sleep.

The sex was never good. He kept his own apartment, but essentially moved in. I would catch him on inconsistencies and lies. He would twist my words and tell me I didn't trust him. He needed a cell phone, I got it for him. He couldn't get it in his name due to credit issues he blamed on his ex. He told grandiose stories about his military career, his job, his singing and acting past. He would spend random time at his apartment, and was unavailable to me. When he was with me he would get texts and phone calls that he would never respond to in my presence. He would go to the far corner of the back yard to talk or text. I became suspicious and checked his phone. I rationalized that the phone was in my name. I found text messages to and from several women. I then logged into the site where we had met and found that he had kept his profile active and had messages to and from other women. I confronted him and got blasted again for not trusting him. He told me he was sending the online messages for a friend. I wanted to stand my ground, but I was more afraid I would lose him and be alone. I checked more sites and found out that he was active on a LOT of dating and sexually oriented sites. I asked him to cancel all of those and he said he would and did. Each time I would confront him with what I would learn, he would lie, tell me I was overly suspicious and that it was all in my head. Sometimes he would apologize and promise to do better (like deleting his online accounts,) and he would be a good boyfriend for what seemed like 5 minutes.

A few months later, he told me he needed to go to Alabama to see his granddaughter that he had yet to meet, because she needed surgery. I told him I didn't know whether to believe him or not. He had such a history of lying. He yelled and suggested I go with him if I didn't trust him. I backed down. Obviously, if he was willing to let me go with him, he HAD to be telling the truth, right? (wrong.) The entire time he was gone, I was miserable. He never called. I tried to call him, but got his voice mail. I texted, and got no response. I drove by his apartment, to check to see if he was there. Unfortunately, his roommate saw me and shamed me for not trusting the Narc. The day he was supposedly flying home, I expected to hear from him, but didn't. The next day, when I did hear from him, he explanation was that his phone didn't really work well in the hospital. He was so busy with family, etc. Again, I checked his phone and found out the truth. He had flown in a girl from another state and spent the long weekend with her at his apartment. When I was in the parking lot there, they had just left. His roommate knew what was going on and covered for him. Once again, when I confronted him, he said I was too untrusting..... This girl meant nothing... in fact, he said she ended up with his roommate. (more lies on top of lies.)

Again, I forgave him. I had so little self respect that I was willing to take whatever lies and BS he was willing to give me. He was terrible with his finances. He didn't have a credit card, he didn't use a checking account. (He said he didn't trust banks.) In actuality, he just wanted to carry his money around with him so he would look like he had a lot of money, and could spend it lavishly. I paid the bills and put his check in my bank account. (I have a great job and make a very nice living. He was in an entry-level sales position, making about 1/4 what I made.) He "gave" his truck to a friend and never asked his friend to pay for it. (Oh, and he had at least one DWI that he had to breathe into a breathalyzer to start his vehicle. That device went with his truck, which I'm sure was against his agreement with the police. I had paid about $1500 for his unpaid legal issues with that DWI.) I dipped into my savings to buy him not one, but two different cars. One was for him to use on a daily basis, and one was a sporty car that needed some work. He made me think he wanted to do it for me. It was a very powerful sports car that I hated driving. I had my own car that I was very proud of.

About this time, I learned that he had a "stalker." He described this woman as someone he had dated for a short time. She" had a drug problem that he had helped her with. She was stalking him and telling him she would get even with him for the wrongs she felt he had done to her". I learned that she accused him of stealing jewelry from her. Charges were pressed. He was arrested and went to court. I bailed him out. Put my home up as collateral for his bond. I paid the attorney for him. I went with him to court where he told me he was in no uncertain terms innocent of the charges, but it was in his best interest to plead guilty and get it over with. He said it would cost more in attorney fees to fight it. He was willing to take whatever probation they gave him. He was given a few years probation, with monthly meetings with his parole officer. He was to do community service as well as pay restitution (in the amount of $20,000) to the girl. He lied to me every step of the way, saying he was going to his appointments, trying to do his community service, etc. His parole office started calling me, harassing me, telling me since I had bailed him out, that I was responsible for him. If I didn't want to lose my house, I would get him to the appointments. That was not pleasant, and yet, I let him stay. (I honestly think I rationalized this by thinking if I forced him to leave, and he didn't do his probation, I would lose my home. If he was with me, I could at least try to get him to do the probation.)

He would drive my car on occasion and I learned again, that he was cheating, meeting yet another lady for drinks, etc. (I again learned this from messages and emails on his phone. He would drive my new BMW convertible to meet her and tell me he had to work late.) His lies should have been a major red flag for me. His cheating should have been a red flag. One night, he was out "shopping for Christmas for me" and in reality, he was meeting yet another woman at a bar. I would rant and rave! Tell him I deserved better. He would leave for a day or two, then call and tell me he was so sorry, He loved me. He only wanted to be with me. These other women meant nothing to him. I found messages and emails (again) with yet another woman. When he passed out one night, I picked up his phone and called this woman. She explained to me that she had met the Narc and he had told her that my address was his address. He had even gone to her house on his way to work that morning and had sex with her! I woke his a$$ up and confronted him. I told him to get out! I don't need his crap anymore! He left but again, came crawling back, all apologies and love. His mom was a lung transplant recipient, and was rejecting those lungs. I had to go on a work-related trip and while I was away he called to tell me he had lost his mom. He was obviously drunk, but it was not unexpected, since she was rejecting her lungs. I called friends back home and asked them to check on him. He got in my car and drove (drunk) toward the hospital where he said she was, but pulled over on the side of the road. He texted a friend who came to get him. They left my car on the side of the road and it was impounded. I came home to learn that his mom was ill, but very much alive. His need for drama was so severe, that he lied about her dying. He told several friends that she had died, not just me. He lost a couple of friends over that. Again, I forgave him.

We eventually decided to buy a "new" house. When I say "we," I mean me. It was my credit, my savings used for the down payment, his check was still going into the bank account, but a month after I closed on the new house, he was fired from his job. We sold his sports car and actually made some money on it. Instead of putting the money back into my savings, we used the proceeds from the car sale to do the improvements on the house. He acted like he was doing all the work, but what he was really doing was hiring day laborers to paint, put in floors, etc. I had to fire the floor installer. I had to repaint the walls the painters did. Essentially, everything he "did" I had to re-do. He took a lot of credit for the work, but never admitted to my cleanup efforts. I eventually had to tell him to stop drinking while he was doing projects. I didn't feel safe living in a home that he worked on while drunk. I didn't feel safe driving or riding in a car he had worked on while drinking. He layed around, collecting unemployment, played games online and lied about looking for work. He even lied and told he he had a job. He was getting up for a couple of weeks and leaving the house for the day. When I finally asked him where his paycheck was, he finally admitted to not really having a job. (Who DOES this?!?!) He filed a suit against his former employer for wrongful termination. He even told me and anyone else who would listen, that they offered a settlement. He said he had signed the forms to get the money... all lies. Later I found out that they had essentially told him to go away. They weren't interested in settling with him. He could take them to court. When I confronted him with that, he said I obviously didn't read it right.... that they still wanted to settle. I finally had had enough. I told him in no uncertain terms to get out! He went to a friend's house and slept on the couch. The friend was another alcoholic. His house was a dump. There was a broken window, no hot water, etc. He slept on a nasty couch with dogs. (literally) He called me and begged to come back. I let him come back but we were not in a relationship. He was here under a very specific set of rules. No alcohol, no lies, find a job, do your probation, etc. He found a job selling used cars. (appropriate.) He continued to lie and I finally decided he was an adult and was responsible for his own situation, and nothing I had done or could do for him would make him take responsibility for himself. I needed him out. He moved out. Weeks later, his need for drama again reared its ugly head. He called to tell me a friend's mom had died. (I found her on Facebook.... very much alive.) Within 2 months, he called again to tell me he had lost his job and was going to jail. He said since he had lost his job, a warrant had been issued for his arrest. He turned himself in, went to jail and was in for less than a week. He emailed me the day he got out, as if nothing was wrong. I initiated no contact that day. It's been 3 days and I often catch myself thinking about him. It's not warm thought, but he was such a fixture in my world for so long that it's almost a habit. I want to get out of this spiral. I don't know if therapy is the right path for me, or what? I'm open to suggestions!!