I know it's wrong but I still have twisted hope :(
I know it's wrong but I still have twisted hope :(
Hello :) This is my first post here but I'm pretty sure I've read every article on this site. I can't thank you enough for providing these resources for those of us trying to make sense of the senseless.
I met my NDP girlfriend on a dating site and we were together for 9 months total. The romance moved very quickly in the first few months. She made me believe I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had. She was constantly saying "I love that about you" and promising me the world. Her dad was rich and I had business debts. She promised we would start a new business together that would take care of my debts (her idea). She plugged right into who I was.
Then 3 months in things started to slide. At first we would fight every second weekend. Then every weekend. Always about how I wasn't "responsible" enough, even though I was working day and night on my job and business. She called every day and interrogated me about how and why I was doing things. Then we went camping and she got drunk and threatened to throw herself from the moving car while screaming what a loser I was.
At that point I said we couldn't go on until we went to counselling. She agreed. We went to one session and everything went ok for a few weeks. Then the insults started again and worse. No-win situations. Gaslighting. Bike rides with exes, etc. Every promise was broken. Finally she exploded at me while drunk at a party. I left devastated and we broke up the next morning.
A week later I started missing her and decided there were things I could have done better to make her happy. I called her and admitted my faults and we agreed to get back together. She said she thought I was a lost cause and was glad to hear I'd matured and came around to her way of seeing things.
HUGE MISTAKE. For the next month she treated me like I was on probation and not really her boyfriend. During the last week she was basically screaming at me non-stop (when she did talk to me). Things like "all you do is d*ck around getting your haircut and going to the dentist" (which I'll admit I did do that day). I kept saying sorry and trying to make it work until she finally had a meltdown and stormed off. She called me later that night drunk and slurred "I'm sorry you couldn't grow up" and hung up.
At that point I accepted it was over. 9 days later she texted to apologize, except her apology basically said "I'm sorry for not acting with grace, but I was stressed out trying to make things work with you. I loved you with all my heart and always will" and "You're a wonderful guy just the way you are, I'm sure you'll find someone who's on board with the way you want to live your life". I responded that there was "no excuse for her behaviour, that I had loved her as best I could, no one is perfect, no hard feelings". She said "I was just trying to apologize, fine I'll never contact you again".
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since the texting, and a full month now since she stormed off. I've been in therapy every week and am feeling better slowly.
Problem is, even though I know it was messed up, I can't stop fantasizing about what I'll say if she's contacts me again. Non-stop conversations in my head and dreams about it. I keep wondering if she will contact me or not, and the stories on here give me some twisted hope that she will return as people say they always do. I haven't reached out to her at all.
Why am I hoping for her to call me? I have a good feeling she won't as she's so high on herself (personal trainer), and she is very attractive and charming so she'll easily find another. I fantasize about her actually being sorry and listening to my pain. The truth is it wouldn't work anyways. I know it's not healthy to obsess like this. Any tips on making my heart not want her anymore? It's exhausting.
Don't settle
Too true ds
If she returns, it won't be a
Normal at the beginning
We're going through the same
Everything reminds me...
Reality check time
Same thing here
Normal . . .