My Beginning , New Present Life, My Old Life

Where do I begin....my story, my life.
I write this story with a heavy heart and hope that I may also get advice from those who share similar stories to mine.

I met my husband as an innocent, sweet, pretty young girl of 17 years old....31 years ago.
I came from a dysfunctional and abusive back ground and realise now that I was desperate for love.
I have always been a spiritual person, always believing in the good of others, helping others.... even though my life was far from that.
I met my husband on holiday in my homeland- and committed to him after only 3 weeks. He swept me off my feet and I was hooked by his charm, good looks. He would not take 'no for an answer and pursued me until I agreed to go out with him.
We wrote to each other for 3 years. He called and begged me not to leave him. I had given him my word and it never occurred to me to ever leave him. We married when I was 21 and he was 26 .
He was good to me...as long as I did what he wanted. He was romantic and made it clear in public that 'I was his women'. I was flattered by all his attention and possessiveness and thought ' how much he loves me.
He was so hard working. He never stopped working and would keep our home spotless. We both worked hard and kept our home beautiful. I juggled a full time stressful job as an accountant with being a 'perfect wife' and 'perfect mother' .Of course the furniture was mostly his choice, we entertained mostly his friends and none of my friends that ' he did not like' ...I just never realised it.
He had the temper of the 'devil'. A Jackll and Hyde personality that would chop and change like the wind. If I showered him with attention and agreed with every thing he wanted, our life was good.
We had two beautiful children who also were attentive to him in every way, did what they were told. He was a good father but always selfish. It was always about 'him' and his wants and needs.
He often had fits of rage over nothing and would swear at me, not talk to me for days, mood swings. I lived on 'egg shells'
I was so in love with him and just buried my head in the sand, devoting myself to him and the children while working full time. I lost my identity years ago with out even realising.
He was the life and soul of the party, charming, a perfect host, flirty. Every one thought the world of him..and yet in private he could be so nasty to me. I was his 'whipping boy' I kept his temper at bay with his family and friends. I took all the 'crap'. (Thankfully he did not vent his anger on the children).....only on me.
8 years ago.......my perfect bubble burst. I found out that he had had an affair (5 years ago) IN OUR HOME, with one of my best friends, while I was at work. This had been going on for about 1 year.
He is a Head chef and worked shifts so he would work evenings and meet her during the day.
I was in emotional hell and stupidly believed his lies when he begged and pleaded to forgive him. It was her fault. She came onto him and he could not break it off as she blackmailed him etc etc.
He would change and would be a better person. He loved me and the children. We were his life. It was 'one mistake'.
He begged me on his hands and knees, threatened to kill himself if I left him.
I left for a few days and went back to him.

I carried on perfecting this 'perfect family' to the outside world but was losing myself. I did not tell anyone other than my best friend.
Of course, after a few months, he was back to his moods and temper tantrums.
His story is that I did not give him enough attention. If I would just do this then he would not loose his temper and would be a better man.
What ever I did.......it was never enough.. But for the sake of the children who were now teenagers and for my own lack of courage....I remained with him and did my best to be what he wanted me to be.
Two years ago, I met with a terrible accident that left me unable to walk unaided. (I am thankfully almost recovered now)
My husband treated me so well for the first few weeks. He was attentive and loving and could not do enough for me. I thought he must have finally realised how much I meant to him. How much I did for our family. I had never depended on him before. Friends came round bringing food etc.
Then out of the blue, he told me to tell all' those people to stop coming round. They had been to see me so why did they need to keep coming'. He got into a rage.
I could not understand why....it was crazy.
He then started to be spiteful, malicious, moody with me. Told me that I was 'putting it on about my pain and injury'
I decided then that I needed help. I could not understand why I would let anyone treat me this way. I was a successful women with a good job, a lovely home, intelligent and reasonably attractive, two beautiful successful children.....yet when I came ' home' I became this 'door mat'.
I went for therapy under the pretext that it would help our sex and married life. This was the only reason he agreed. I became stronger and started to understand myself a bit better .I realised that my life was a misery, living in a shell of unhappiness and fear.
He was a bully but I was still so co-dependent on him.
he is so charming, attentive and loving when he wanted to be and I was so confused.
I started to pluck up the courage to argue back with him. His moods & temper got worse.
A few weeks ago when I told him that I was not happy and wanted a separation, He got into a mindless rage, he told me to get out. That I would not get our family home. He had slogged for 'his house'. That I better ' watch my back' if I tried to live in 'his house'.
I decided on that day that I had to do something to end my life of fear and unhappiness.
Next day he started 'love bombing' me. endless I love you texts, messages, flowers. Im sorry notes.
While in therapy, I did some research on anger management and stumbled across NPD which I believe my husband has( I am not sure and has not been diagnosed-but he ticks all the boxes about 90% ?).
This week end, I packed up and moved to my Mums. I have left every thing behind that I have lived and worked for, for the last 27 years. My life is in 30 black bags and boxes.
My family and close friends support me. My children (who are at Uni/live away), they love their Father but they have accepted my decision.
(I am not the sort of person to poison the children against their father no matter how much I wanted too).

I am emotionally and physically drained. I feel I have had 'my lifes blood sucked out from me' Will this feeling ever go.
My husband is begging me to go back. He says he cannot live without me and will kill himself. He has cried on his friends shoulders and they are trying to contact me too.
I am in turmoil and trying to keep my strength of will. I am doubting my decision. I am worried that he will harm himself....
Please help me. I would love to hear from anyone that can advise me and give me guidance........Thank you....Mangox