Mystified mum's story - Part 1
Mystified mum's story - Part 1
I'm not that person! Part 1
This story is a little different to the others as it is not my story it's Karens.
Her relationship with Tom lasted 2 years and when it ended the only way to describe her was broken. To try and make some sense and understand what had happened I started doing some research on the internet. NPD, gaslighting and hoovering, all new words to me but god I recognised them all. To understand a little of what she went through I will go back to the beginning.
Karen met him early in 2006 and when he asked her out she asked me what she should do as he had a reputation with the girls, I thought about it and told her that most young men of his age had a healthy interest in the opposite sex and what did she have to lose. Words I was to regret!
So at the age of 19 she became his girlgriend and they were blissfully happy for a few months. However I noticed that every time a message came through on his phone she would visibly flinch, I asked her what was wrong and she said all the messages were from girls asking to meet up with him. I always try to look at things from both sides so I pointed out that she also got messages from boys sometimes. She just looked at me and said "but the difference is I havent slept with them"
When he took her out on the town in the early days he would hold her hand until they arrived at his favourite haunt then he would let go. Numerous girls would come up to him and throw their arms around him and never once was she acknowedged nor did he introduce her as his girlfriend.
They went on holiday together for 2 weeks and she said that one night they met up with a group of young men and joined them for a drink. Tom sat bragging to them about all the girls he had slept with in front of Karen. Some of the boys even challenged him about saying those things in front of her but he just brushed it off. When they returned from the holiday he dropped her off at home and she wasn't to see him for the whole weekend as he had made plans which didn't include her. His reason for that was " I have just spent two weeks with you." She was so upset with him that she didn't see him until the following Friday afternoon at which time they had an argument but eventually talked and everything was ok. She was working that night but had arranged to meet him at 10pm in the bar for a drink. Karen had bought a new mobile phone and given the old one to her younger brother and that night he showed me a message that had came in the previous weekend, it was from Tom's best friend and he told her that Tom had kissed his ex girlfriend in front of him. She dumped him there and then but a few days later he got in touch with her crying and begging her to try again and that it mustn't have been a good kiss because he couldn't even remember it. So she forgave him and all was fine for a week or so.
She rang me in tears one night to say he was sat with her and his male friends and they were all talking about their ideal girl. Tom said his ideal girl would be blonde, petite and a size 8-10 everything in fact that she was not. Through the tears she asked me why he was with her if that's what he wanted.
No matter where she went people where coming up to her saying he had cheated on her. Karens way of coping with everything was to bury it into her subconscious mind as if it never happened. She seemed to change from the quiet shy 19 year old girl that she was into a clingy, needy jealous person.
One particular Thursday night we were sat in the kitchen when Tom rang her, telling her that they were going out on Saturday night into town dancing etc, she was so excited to be going out with him. Saturday night rolled around and about 7pm she took a call from him, next thing I knew she was grabbing her car keys and sobbing so hard she could barely breath and off she went. About an hour later she came back and explained that the plans for the evening were that she was actually going out with Toms mother and sister and she must have gotten it all wrong. I quietly pointed out that there was no possible way she could have gotten the arrangements wrong as I had heard the details of the plans myself . He did exactly whatever he wanted to do that night with Karen left looking like the crazy needy girlfriend.
Somehow they made it to their first year anniversary and they planned a meal and then onto the local sports club where he was going to watch a match with his mates and she was going to join his family in the other room for a drink. She rang me after the meal laughing saying she had knocked over the candle and set fire to the tablecloth, Tom was driving to the club by this time and I heard him say something and she ended the call abrubtly. It seems there had been some sort of accident on the route to the club and he had to find an alternative route, now he didnt want to miss any of the match so he got angry and started yelling at her saying it was all her fault. She was an emotional mess by the time they got there and actually jumped from the car before it had stopped. He just told her to sort herself out and come in when she had done that. The whole evening was ruined in her eyes so she just came home.
It's hard to explain the effect the whole situation was having on her, she loved him with all her heart but he was destroying her. She would come in from work and just lie on her bed, sleeping most of the time. She avoided social occaisions and started putting on weight. As soon as she saw him she went into a bad mood and said some nasty things to him which was so unlike her. It was difficult to talk to her most of the time but I asked her why she didn't just end it, she looked at me and said "I can't so I'm trying to make him finish with me" however that didn't work as he just hung in there.
In the summer of 2007 I think that deep down she realised that she needed a break from everything and asked him if he would mind if she went on holiday with her sister, he said ok and she jetted off for a two week holiday. She returned home looking relaxed and happy. Tom had either called or sent messages every day for two weeks telling her how much he loved her, he went up a little in our estimation for doing that, but I realised sometime after, that he was making sure that he still regained control of her emotionally, or am I being cynical? Ten days after Karens return he casually threw into the conversation that he was going away on a lads holiday the following week, she wasn't happy and I pointed out that she couldn't expect to have a holiday herself and not expect him to do the same but she said "the difference is I discussed it with him first, he just threw it into the conversation. Two days before the holiday he got a new mobile phone and told her it would be a few days before it was up and running. So off he went on holiday telling her he would ring her when his phone was connected. It was heartbreaking to watch her check for any messages from him day after day with absolutely no contact from him apart from the message he sent from his friends phone at the airport asking her to tell his mum that he had arrived safely. 8 days later and I admit to handling it all wrong I had an argument with her pointing out everything that was so wrong in the relationship. She lay on the floor of her bedroom and sobbed, we eventually talked like adults and she said she couldn't go on anymore and that she couldn't even send her boyfriend a message to tell him it was over. We then realised she could contact him via his friend which she did. The response was a call from Tom which she missed and surprise surprise it came from his own phone she tried calling him back but the number was still unavailable. Nothing more was heard from him and it was like a weight had lifted from her shoulders, but that was easy because she knew he was still away. I wish I could tell you that was it but of course the agony just went on and on.
On one occaision when she was in a club with him, he was talking to a guy he knew and Karen was dancing by herself not far from him. Two girls who had been sending him messages were in the club and obviously weren't happy that Karen was there and one of the them came up and was accidently on purpose pushing into her. Karen got upset and told Tom but he said it was her fault for getting upset.
Sorry it's such a long story but there are still so many incidents that happened but I will stop for now and continue in part two with the pivotal moment when she decided that it was over for good, the breakup and the aftermath.
Don't beat yourself too much Mom
Hi Mystified Mum.......I was
This is a typical story here
Hi Hunter,I apologise I
I'm sorry .. Yes.. This is a
I obviously didn't explain
MM
Your daughter is most likely suffering from PTSD