La.luna's Story

I’m think a recovering Narcaholic. I still haven’t yet established no contact. I just told him I needed a break, and I do. The past two weeks we haven’t spoken have been pretty woderful. My appetitie is coming back a little bit, I’m not drinking as much wine (I was going through a big bottle every 2-3 days), I’m sleeping almost through night. I blocked him on Facebook, but I feel guilty about it and I'm thinking about reversing it.
He came on really strong in the beginning. He’s in the military. Within weeks, he was talking about how I was the one, he was making plans to be stationed close to me. He told me that he wanted us to have three kids (even though I'm not sure I want any yet). He asked me what kind of ring I wanted. At first, I thought it was amazing that I was being swept of my feet by a man i uniform. Then, it made me uncomfortable because it was so soon. I kept telling him we were moving too fast but he said I was just afraid of commitment because of my history of emotional and psychological abuse. I was running from a man who was treating me well because I didn’t know any better. He said that ll his other girlfriends were crazy and that I made him better. I noticed he always refers to me as a “delicate flower” even though I’ve asked him to stop. I hate it. I don’t want anyone to see me as a victim, but he keeps doing it. He often talks about rape and molestation a lot, but he said “that’s just how military guys talk.” He’s joked about eating my beloved dog. He told me that I should change my Halloween costume because It wasn’t “classy” enough, and I should wear something that fits more with his military uniform. When I called him out on being controlling, he said “I misunderstood.” We’re an interracial couple and he’s made inappropriate jokes about my race. Again, “that’s how we talk in the military and where I’m from and it’s not a big deal.” He tells me all the time how he masturbates while looking at my picture. I told him that that was his business and I don’t want to hear about it. It makes me feel like an object, like I’m dirty.
When he comes to visit I get panic attacks. I’m scraed to be alone with him and I think he’s starting to pick up on it. “We need to spend time alone as a couple.” I told him breakfast was time alone, I didn’t need to be in his hotel room to be alone with him. He said the reason why we were having problems is because I’m not affectionate with him like a girlfriend should be. He said that was my fear of commitment coming through.
I have a big thing about yelling in arguments. He yelled at me in an argument three times, but then he said “Nobody’s perfect.” And it’s right, no one is. But, one time, I got so frustrated I raised my voice. I’ve never done that before in an argument; I pride myself on keeping calm and being understanding because I hate to be yelled at. First, he said “Look at you, getting all aggressive. I love to see you like this. If I were there I would grab you and just hug you. You’re so cute when you’re mad.” Then he switched to, “Do you see how you’re yelling at me, and I’m okay with it? I’m not blaming you like you do with me, I accept you for who you are because I love you unconditionally.” I’m scared that there’s something wrong with me. I’m scared that he’s right and I’m a bad person. I’m judgmental. I’m pushing away someone who truly loves me and wants me and I’m just being a brat because of my past. I’m painting a picture of this villain for my friends and he’s really not THAT bad. Just socially awkward and maybe says the wrong things sometimes. It’s not out of malice, though, he just needs to be taught.
I swing back and forth between telling myself I’m ok and did nothing wrong, and thinking I’m completely out of my mind and everything he says about me is right. It’s scary. I don’t want to be a bad person. He’s in the military and he needs support. But he still talks to his ex girlfriend…a lot apparantly. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I should leave, sometimes I feel like if I could just pull it together, keep going to therapy, I’ll be able to understand him better and we won’t have so many problems. He said he’s like my mirror, revealing all the things about me that I need to change. I find myself wondering if the problem is that I’m the narcissist. I find myself using narc-speak a lot “I need space.” “I need time to heal.” I don’t call him every day like I used to or text him all the time. I’ve made some male friends at work that I really like spending time with. I’m doing all the things I can to sabotage my relationship. Part of me really thinks this is my fault. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I don ‘t know which way is up. I’m scraed I’m making this up in my mind. I know something is wrong but I don’t know how to fix it. It has to be me because I’m tainted by my past.