Healing and Labels
Healing and Labels
I had an interesting session with my therapist yesterday. Well, more than interesting. She was guiding me to focus away from the label "narcissist" and rather refer to him as being extremely limited in his ability to love and care for me - and in no way relationship worthy.
We talked more about what I was feeling when I was with him. I could not stop crying since I left that session. I told my therapist that he was constantly saying "you are so beautiful." We talked about what that meant. She has no doubt that that is what he did see.
It's so easy for me to fall into a belief that he was manipulating me from the beginning and always had some master plan to hurt me, but I know in my heart that isn't true. It's was just so hurtful that I had believed for once . . FINALLY . . . that someone I was incredibly attracted to found my beauty - and then, easily - coldly and ruthlessly discarded me - replacing me with someone else so quickly.
It felt really good to have someone see beauty in me. To feel that special. Never experiencing that again is a painful thought. Feeling like I had been fooled into thinking that even really happened is so painful. Feeling like I am incapable or undeserving of that is horribly horribly painful.
I don't know if my ex was NPD. It would take a professional who could really know him and diagnose him for that. I know he is definitely disordered and a prescription drug addict. I know he could have never been capable of caring about me and loving me the way I need to be loved.
Focusing too much on "is he a narcissist" is an escape from feeling. It doesn't matter. It's definitely helpful to see this personality problem and seeing the traits - seeing the limitations. . . However, when healing - and maybe this is just the phase I'm in and I had to go through all the other phases - - I just wanted to share how important it is to bring it back to yourself and focus on your feelings. Not his.
It's all about you :)
kelly
Kelly
Jen
Kelly
Jen
jen79
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