Healing and Labels

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#1 Sep 1 - 1PM
Kelly
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Healing and Labels

I had an interesting session with my therapist yesterday. Well, more than interesting. She was guiding me to focus away from the label "narcissist" and rather refer to him as being extremely limited in his ability to love and care for me - and in no way relationship worthy.

We talked more about what I was feeling when I was with him. I could not stop crying since I left that session. I told my therapist that he was constantly saying "you are so beautiful." We talked about what that meant. She has no doubt that that is what he did see.

It's so easy for me to fall into a belief that he was manipulating me from the beginning and always had some master plan to hurt me, but I know in my heart that isn't true. It's was just so hurtful that I had believed for once . . FINALLY . . . that someone I was incredibly attracted to found my beauty - and then, easily - coldly and ruthlessly discarded me - replacing me with someone else so quickly.

It felt really good to have someone see beauty in me. To feel that special. Never experiencing that again is a painful thought. Feeling like I had been fooled into thinking that even really happened is so painful. Feeling like I am incapable or undeserving of that is horribly horribly painful.

I don't know if my ex was NPD. It would take a professional who could really know him and diagnose him for that. I know he is definitely disordered and a prescription drug addict. I know he could have never been capable of caring about me and loving me the way I need to be loved.

Focusing too much on "is he a narcissist" is an escape from feeling. It doesn't matter. It's definitely helpful to see this personality problem and seeing the traits - seeing the limitations. . . However, when healing - and maybe this is just the phase I'm in and I had to go through all the other phases - - I just wanted to share how important it is to bring it back to yourself and focus on your feelings. Not his.

It's all about you :)

Sep 1 - 2PM
blueeyes
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kelly

I'm headed there now...That is what my approch is, I tell himwhat he lacks and what I need. It keeps it "normal".
Sep 1 - 2PM
jen79
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Kelly

Believe me, I have spent months with that question, was it genuine at least the very moment he said it. He made me feel so special and unique. Like I am some wonderful being. I almost went crazy over this. But I read the mails of him on his laptop, and I saw what he wrote to other "supplies"...so no, the worst of all for me was to have to deal with the FACT that everything he ever said was well calculated, manipulative, and well praciticed already and if someone would have just told me that, I would not have believed it, I struggled believeing it although I had seen the proof with my own eyes. I don't know what it is in your case, only you can know, but I just know that they are taking away from us the capability to trust our instinct and to listen to our voice through all this twisting, lies, tricks... But one thing you know, your love was real.
Sep 1 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Kelly
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Jen

Thanks for your comment. My therapist and I spoke about exactly what you said. I told her I think it's very possible and likely that he was just being calculating and trying to manipulate me from the start . . . you know, by the book. She said that it is possible, but it's highly unlikely that he could be that good of an actor. I know that we talk a lot over here about how great of a performance they put on, but something we also find here is how consistent these guys are about targeting women like us! Smart, independent, in many cases - very attractive, caring, good natured wonderful ladies like us! So many posts here have been about how similar we are and how are exes tend to go for women who have similar qualities to us. I am convinced that they do see the beauty in us - - they are just terrified that we will see the ugliness in them. Even though he may have said the same line to other women, well, they may very well be beautiful women just like you :) I think this has been the thing that I have been hurt by the most. Struggling with this question. Did he see it? Was he lying to me? If he knew how great I was, how could he let me go the way he did? How could he be so cruel to me? It was something I wanted so much and thought I finally was lucky enough to find. You're right though. My love was real. I was really falling in love. He just wasn't the right person to fall in love with.
Sep 1 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
jen79
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Kelly

I know these other women are wonderful, they all are. Compassioned, loving, caring, beautiful. And he is all toying with them. I guess you are maybe right, maybe they are really seeing the beauty in us, but they are afraid of being exposed. Sometimes I thought he wanted to proof to himself that I am a slut, or a stupid bitch, so he can justify his behaviour towards me. I just know one thing, happy people dont hurt others, just unhappy people do. And I mean happy in the real sense of the word, not this kind of western superficial understanding of it. If he would have been a happy person at peace with himself, he would have never done the things he did. Sometimes I am even a bit sad for him, sad that he cannot be the person he so desperately tries to portrait for the outside world. My P is an actor, so you never know. I just know, deep inside he is a little lost child.
Sep 1 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Kelly
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Jen

"Sometimes I thought he wanted to proof to himself that I am a slut, or a stupid bitch, so he can justify his behavior towards me." What you say here is spot on. I think they find really great women, but they are so self-loathing and screwed up, they become immediately paranoid that we are not as great as we are, so do exactly this. They try to prove to themselves that we are sluts, stupid bitches - exactly! To justify their behavior and their own paranoia. F#%'n brilliant!
Sep 1 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Used
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jen79

i told him to stop compliementing me, after relizing he says the same thing to every woman he knows.
Sep 1 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
jen79
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used

well I told him I read the mails, he knew I saw everyhing, but do you think it made him stop calling me names that he called the others as well? NO. How crazy is that, he must have thought I am stupid?