Help needed

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#1 Jun 30 - 10PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Help needed

ok, now i'm sitting here wondering if I overreacted yesterday.

N came to the company. He was polite and kind to everyone.
He asked me to do business with his new company and we reviewed engineering drawings.

I told him that i wasn't sure. I don't know where our relationship should be heading because he would need to calm down on his criticism and I just was getting over my cognitive dissonance. And asked him why he wanted to work together again, since I thought he had thrown me out as yesterday's trash. A Short, calm email.

He shoots back two long, flaming emails (basically claiming drama again). As to yesterday's trash - he doesn't address that at all. He just says "can't our companies do good work together?" No I'm sorry or anything like that. (but maybe this is his way of smoothing over our relationship without really apologizing?) Also, that he can't let my dissonance interfere with an important company to him. It violates all of his boundaries/values. He was perfectly justified in his critcisms of me. (see my "ALERT" thread) And then he emailed the owner of my company today to say that his new company won't be working with mine since we have personal issues. (the owner just shrugged it all off and laughed - he gets what is going on here. and i'm sure he spared me the details of the email)

Uggh... i hate this. I still so badly want to meet with him to try to get "straight answers" to get closure - but I know I won't. But can anyone give advise on what I could say - i just feel the need to wrap things up or get answers or something!! Maybe another way of asking is, could a normal person give answers as to why certain things transpired in our relationship? Im a logical person and what happened is not logical. Could a normal person have an open conversation and discussed what happened to try to make sense of things?

Jun 30 - 11PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Another important piece of the puzzle

As to the sudden luring again. - his ties to me are officially cutoff in business; and since he has already declared that we will "have no personal relationship", he has no valid reason to contact me without a business tie; because he can't apologize for "breaking up" with me personally and can't go back on what he said previously. - and i just checked his online profile and he is no longer linked to his "fake GF" that he used as a front lady for the last two years. Must have been a nasty breakup to cause them to detach online, cause he has never done that! He keeps old supply around forever. So, he must be very, very short on supply right now.
Jun 30 - 10PM
better off
better off's picture

NO! I only read the first

NO! I only read the first sentence of your post and you are not overreacting. HE IS PLAYING YOU!! I will now read the rest, but I hope you read the comments I just made on your narcspeak thread...
Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

This is why you have to STOP

This is why you have to STOP TALKING TO HIM. He talks in complete backwards talk and until you get away from him for a while you cannot see it. You have not one single reason to maintain contact with him now... the deal is done. You already know intellectually there are no answers or closure available. Just more twisting things around. The longer you talk to him, the more he will twist things around. It only gets MORE convoluted and twisted, not less. I will translate this one too: N came to the company. He was polite and kind to everyone. As mentioned before, he was polite and kind and FAKE to EVERYONE. You wrote long posts about this. He was FAKE TO EVERYONE... He asked me to do business with his new company and we reviewed engineering drawings. I told him that i wasn't sure. I don't know where our relationship should be heading because he would need to calm down on his criticism and I just was getting over my cognitive dissonance. And asked him why he wanted to work together again, since I thought he had thrown me out as yesterday's trash. A Short, calm email. Did he then respect your feelings? At ALL? Let's read on and examine if he is respecting your feelings, or if he is engaging in a lot of projection instead: He shoots back two long, flaming emails (basically claiming drama again). You write a calm email, he fires back two long flaming emails. Who is doing drama? N is doing drama and accuses YOU of drama. As to yesterday's trash - he doesn't address that at all. Why even ACKNOWLEDGE your feelings, they don't count! He just says "can't our companies do good work together?" Can't you just keep providing me with income?? No I'm sorry or anything like that. (but maybe this is his way of smoothing over our relationship without really apologizing?) Um, that's because he's NOT sorry. Of course he wants to smooth things over without apologizing!! You seem to think that means he wants to apologize with out apologizing. He can't apologize because he never does anything wrong, it's always your fault! Maybe he can even make you apologize to HIM for HIS behavior. Also, that he can't let my dissonance interfere with an important company to him. It violates all of his boundaries/values. He was perfectly justified in his critcisms of me. (see my "ALERT" thread) Covered that there... it's total bullshit. More backwards talk: YOU are perfectly justified in your criticism of HIM. HE violates all boundaries and values of normal people. And then he emailed the owner of my company today to say that his new company won't be working with mine since we have personal issues. Now he will punish you for being out of line with him. How dare you not do what he wants. He is going to TELL ON YOU!! (the owner just shrugged it all off and laughed - he gets what is going on here. and i'm sure he spared me the details of the email) That's right! He LAUGHED. Your N is RIDICULOUS. He tried to smear you to your own boss and made a total ASS out of himself. Other people LAUGH at him. Uggh... i hate this. I still so badly want to meet with him to try to get "straight answers" to get closure - but I know I won't. But can anyone give advise on what I could say - i just feel the need to wrap things up or get answers or something!! Maybe another way of asking is, could a normal person give answers as to why certain things transpired in our relationship? Im a logical person and what happened is not logical. Could a normal person have an open conversation and discussed what happened to try to make sense of things? Okay, honey bun. You know the answer to this. Of course you want all those things so badly. You're NORMAL. We all know how you are feeling. But the answer is the simple one that we all resist, and it's NO CONTACT. Right now he finally has nothing over you and nothing you truly need.. it's time. One day at a time, one minute at a time, but it's TIME to LET.HIM.GO. Or you will be saying all these things over and over and over again... it will never change. He will only be nice to you if you only agree with him and have no feelings of your own at all times. Please stop wasting any more of your precious time and life on this worthless idiot!!!
Jun 30 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

ok

I will pay him off for the rest of his contract, which was minimal time through September. There is no deal he can mess up anymore; there is no one he can whine to about me canceling his contract who will care! Thanks.
Jul 1 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
better off
better off's picture

Big hugs to you. I know

Big hugs to you. I know this is hard. But you WILL be okay, I promise.
Jun 30 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Steph
Steph's picture

well done!

you freakin nailed it, betteroff! That's so kind of you to take the time to write all this. loveofmylife - please take betteroff's advice. NO MORE CONTACT.
Jul 1 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Betteroff

Stayingstrong is right, you nailed it! I love your narctranslations!
Jul 1 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

thx guys The thing that

thx guys The thing that really strikes me about the stupid narcspeak is his tendency to say "you're violating my boundaries" when I honest to goodness don't think he even knows what that means. Seriously. I think it really IS something he's been told by others (probably his ex-wife who had the restraining order against him), and he, in his deficient N brain, just throws that out there as some kind of response when he doesn't get his way. Because it never makes a lick of sense in the context he uses it. I seriously think it's something he parrots at people. And since loveofmylife has always been trying to honestly communicate with this person, she's left thinking, how have I done that? and starts analyzing HER behavior instead of realizing he's just full of crap and saying anything he can think of to throw it back on her. That's all they know how to do. Not answer questions, but just somehow throw it back on you to evade responsibility for ANYTHING.