Zero Tolerance

gaslighting to me. Added to which the snake tried to wriggle away from the blatant evidence. Red flag, red flag, red bloody flag. You did right Daisy, if you felt uncomfortable or disrespected then you had every right to tell him, walk away and move on. Don't waste another breath. Dee x

DaisyD, you did the right thing. I am seeing many posts with the same theme. I also attempted to 'get to know' someone...and it has backfired so badly that i had to deactivate fb. and the hound is hounding me...i think i will go live in a cellar now and change my name, number, address. yeah i am being hounded by a completely loathsome creature...whom i did not encourage whatsoever...whatever gave the jerk the idea that i can be coerced into 'keeping in touch'? EGAD. i am wondering if I have gone and entered a mental space where i would be able to only have one night stands with gigolos? i don't think i can ever again have a 'r/s' it suddenly just feels so silly to 'be in love' yadda yadda. if i require the male service, i must buy it. and since i do not have any funds right now, i must not bother further. i believe i no longer need a guy to make me feel beautiful.

Men "look", and that's normal healthy male behavior...something that I would guess most of us here including myself have to become reacquainted with after an N experience. While I agree with you that it is totally disrespectful for your date to be openly ogling other women, especially if you've made it clear to him that it causes you distress....even if he doesn't understand why...I would like to just point out to you the words you used here in your post... You said you "wanted to see if the annoying behavior got worse"...not see if it got better. Also, I was kind of surprised at how you described yourself in purely physical terms...I have never come across a woman who in describing herself said "great tits". Really, step back and re-read your post and think about the perspective you are applying. It is an unsettling experience to resume dating after being with an N and very difficult to not filter things through the lens of our most painful experience. It is good that you are able to recognize red flag behaviors however it would be better if you were able to avoid putting yourself through dates from hell with creeps like this before they happen, so you are not unconsciously seeking out men who place so much importance on physical attributes....which you yourself also do. If he was giving you the willies during dinner, you should have ended the date right there and not gone to the coffee shop. If you say yes to a date with a man and are already expecting him to be a toad, to the point where you've already got an escape plan figured out and are on high alert for toady behavior, you are going to keep finding ways to prove yourself right over and over again. It is a good idea to meet at a public place for a first date and to have your own car with you so you are not obligated to continue a date that is not going well and so you are on equal footing...to bring your car "in case they turn out to be troglodites" is slightly different...you are already thinking this in the back of your mind, and your mind will obey you and prove you right every time. I hope that didn't sound too harsh...I have worked full-time in sales for many years and I believe that your mindset is the most powerful determinant of your success, above all else. I have also been very abrupt with men recently as well and have made many observations about what I was bringing to the situation...there is a delicate balance between being too open and being too closed...that middle ground is where we find happiness and "normal" in resuming relationships with men and I think we have to be brutally honest and incredibly compassionate with ourselves about our "expectations" when going back into thedating world. I don't know what your situation is with regard to your level of emotional availability, however in my own life, I was drawn to the N because I was emotionally unavailable at that time in my life...first in a dying marriage and then the subsequent divorce...I have had to learn all over again how to make myself "available" after many years of keeping to myself as a survival technique. I think it is more difficult to let the walls down, than it is to build them up. I hope you receive what I have shared here in the manner in which it was intended. If I didn't identify with what you had written so strongly, I'd not have taken the time to write. I am struggling with getting my footing back in my dating life, and hope that what I have said resonates with you and that perhaps you will also share your insight and experience too.

but i will tell you my abuser always said that i was "seeing what you want to see"

i had a similar incident for 7 dates and then when I said i was coming to his town, he lets me know he has a 'meeting' with another woman, i too am not chopped liver, cute, petite, witty, intelligence, good figure, so i said that is it and I was not looking for just friends while he ran around with other woman, and told hium i am a one guy woman and you need to get to know someone exclusively for a while to see if it will fly............he had mommy issues,lived with his 83 year old mom, did not understand women and told me' not to be manipulating and so controlling',what a jerk............

I am just not sure it is about size or whatever. I he was with a petite one, the would look at big. With blond - at brunette and so on... That's boundaries! Congrats on that! Very proud of you! It is disrespectiful to look at other girls when on date. God job! Love Winter