YUCK

I feel sick to my stomach. I'm so mad right now. For some god unknown reason it hit me like a lightening bolt while I was in the middle of something completely and totally not related to XN.

I knew he was full of shit even as he asked me to marry him. He proposed, and I thought 'how could I possibly marry you after what just happened?!?!'
Let me fill you in. Less then half an hour prior to the proposal I had discovered pictures that a girlfriend had sent me if her new boob job, in my msgs sent to my dear proposing boyfriends phone. When I confronted him and went through his phone, they were nowhere to be found. He used words, meaningless f$cking words, to weasel his way out of it and make me question what I had discovered. I said we were done and I was flying home the next morning (we were at his mothers). He left me get dressed as we had an engagement party to go to. He then came in and tried to kiss me on the shoulder, I told him to not even bother touching me. 30 seconds later he's on one knee proposing while his mother films it.

YUCK YUCK YUCK. Wat was I thinking. Why did I decide to escape REALITY and fall into a dangerous fantasy that was only in MY head and say yes. WTF was I thinking.

To top it off the pictures are of his now OW. The one he has left me and his then 3 month old daughter for.
He disgusts me. THEY disgust me. I disgust myself.

What a putrid empty soul. Nothing is sacred to these sick people. Everything is just a pawn in their distorted game of deception. If it didn't take more of my precious energy, I'd vomit at the thought of him. He's as fake as the fake diamond I eventually found out he gave me in the ring.

I really pity him. It must really suck to be the person looking back at him in the mirror. Lonely, scared, broken, distorted, unloved, ugly from the inside. If I was him, I'd stick a mask of arrogance on too. He always said to me in his apology speech 'I know I'm a loser, I know I f&ck everything up' blah blah blah. I thought he was searching for comfort and reassurance (or NS) with those words, which I'm sure he was, but damn, he is right. He is a loser and a f&ck up.

But what does that make me?!?! I seen the devils eyes through the holes in the mask, yet I still laid with him beside me in bed. I still wanted to believe his crap.

I'm angry. I'm angry at him. I'm angry at OW. I'm angry at his pathetic mother and sister that worship the ground he walks on. But most of all I'm angry at myself for being so stupid. He could have pinched me in the face with a big red hot flaming flag and I'd have burnt myself trying to stomp it out so I didn't have to see it.
Pathetic. That's how I feel about myself. Pathetic.
I'll certainly be sure never to make this bed again cos I'm sure as hell sick of laying in this one already.

Ps. Where did this anger come from. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. My stomach is on fire with anger.