You Are Chasing a Shadow

Do Not Chase the Narcissist, You are Chasing a Shadow
by Crystal Evans

Writing is like therapy for me and whenever I feel as if I have arrived at a stumbling block I use my writing as a medium to vent my frustration and hopefully by the end of my article I would have sorted out my problems and garner some measure of peace within my own personal domain.

I recently met a man on line whose behavior and demeanor reflected that of my narcissistic ex that had ran my heart through a shredder. I was skeptical about conversing with this man as any woman who has ever associated with sociopaths can pinpoint one, the minute she encounters him by his behavioral symptoms.

This particular narcissist was belligerent, demanding and caustic. He spoke to me as if he knew exactly what he was talking about. I quickly deduced that my virtual friend was a farce. He had concocted an enormous scheme to associate with me by appealing to what he thought I would like. He was abusive and bellicose. My sisters often wondered why I continued to speak with this petulant, impulsive, profane avatar on the Internet. It was simply because since my first experience with the narcissist and my study of psychology I became intrigued by the personality disorder. To see the enormity of the narcissist grand scheme playing before my eyes without feeling emotionally connected which would color my analysis and affect my conclusion was a dream transpired.

But little did I know that the narcissist had a master plan in store for me. As the days rolled by, aspects of my ex personality began to emerge in the cyber path that I had met via a social network that my ex was a part of. An instinctual feeling kept telling me that there was more to this on line friend than what met the eyes. Slowly my net mate unveiled his true personality. I added personal touches to our conversation by making inferences to people and situations that my ex would react with tantrums and outburst and my on line friend took the bait and launched into rampages.

A part of me was convinced that I was dealing with someone that I knew. I felt if he was not my ex then he was a friend of my ex. Our conversations became deeper and more personal and my ex façade was slipping. It slipped until he substantiated that he was my ex by stating personal details of our last sexual encounter.

I felt betrayed and violated. I wanted to beat myself for allowing this charade to continue. I had surmised that there was a possibility that it would be him but I did not bank on it. I had let my guard down and he used the Internet to get back at me. He played the ideal of a great friend and I divulged my deepest fears, desires and weaknesses to him. He manipulated me and I had allowed it. I decided to write a letter to him:

“Morning compulsive pathological liar,

You seem to have a knack or rather gain some stimulus from saying one thing and doing the exact opposite… you lack moral responsibility and any form of social conscience. You enjoy playing these mind games on me…what do you garner from them, only a mental diagnostician above my capacity could deduce

“Anyways I need to make a few things clear to you… we are virtual friends and we will never move past that point. I enjoy your eccentric attitude, mendacity and I find your profane invectives entertaining and amusing…rest assure that our relationship will not move past the cyber play ground

I have a man and he loves me very much and I will not cheat on him with someone who will treat me worst… apparently I do not care for myself or have my best interest at heart, If I wanted anything to do with you or any of your extensions. I cannot control other people but I have an internal locus of control therefore I can control myself and what happens to me…you and I will not meet in public until I have verified who you are and whether or not ur intentions are honorable…

If because of my choices you choose to dissociate yourself from me… I have no problem with that it would apparently be in my best interest. My philosophy has always been to move forward and not backward. I am not looking back with each new defeat or glory I am looking forward aiming for higher tiers in my relations and my life. I am finished pining over a man that objectifies me and does not understand or even know how to appreciate my virtues…I deserve better than that and I can have far better than that I will not settle for mediocrity”

To add insult to injury, I attempted with the aid of my sister to search the virtual friend to deduce if there was any ounce of credibility in his statements only to have him reply “You are chasing a shadow”.

After a torrential downpour from my tear ducts, I accepted that I was chasing a shadow because it does not matter how hard you try, you will never be able to catch your shadow. It does not matter how hard you try you can never win with the narcissist.

I kept asking my self why now? He disappeared for months why is he back to now? You will be surprised based on the testimony of other narcissist victims, that it seems that the narcissist knows exactly when to resurfaced. He comes back when your life is being restored from the abuse and bludgeoning it was subjected to by him. You begin to wonder if he was timing you. Where was he waiting for you to get strong, lurking so as to know when to re-engage and destroy you again?

I was hurt by the statement that I was chasing a shadow. He made it clear to me that he was “too elusive” for me to figure out. Now I understood why throughout our conversation he kept raving and reiterating on my naiveté.

I realized that I was chasing a shadow. It does not matter what I do or say, or who I am I will never be good enough for the narcissist. He is a shadow. He is a light reflection of a man. He is not real, only a representation of a figure. I could chase my shadow my entire life and I would never catch it. I thought in my mind what a befitting analogy.

Women cease from chasing the narcissist because he is merely a shadow and it does not matter how hard you try you will never be able to catch your shadow. You will never hug, kiss or romance your shadow. Like the narcissist, your shadow remains one place, changing based on the proximity and location of light, modifying to suit the light that is being bounced off your body. The narcissist modifies to match the desires that are spouted from your lips or he perceives as your ideals.

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