Yikes!!

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#1 Sep 30 - 11AM
highlander
highlander's picture

Yikes!!

I am so not a person who remembers his dreams. I suppose, given my head space, that's good. I have an assigned ring attached to my ex-narc's phone number. It's always been that way. It's still that way, as there is no way in hell that i would take her call, if one ever came. This morning, as I was just waking up, I heard that specific ring so clearly that my blood ran ice cold, and I was up like a shot. It wasn't her, and my phone hadn't rung at all.

Ten months now, and I'm still going through this crap! I know that no one can answer the question of how long it will last, but JEEZ, I'm SO sick of it!!!

You guys are a big help. I think that I am morphing from sadness to disillusionment, and feeling like an idiot...

Thanks,
B

Sep 30 - 11PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It's a good year sometimes 2

It's a good year sometimes 2 years before you heal. Start focusing, on you, NOT her. She couldn't be that magnificent after all, right? She is one person...........just one. Thank God she dumped you, because now, you have the opportunity to not settle. You will find happiness, real happiness. She is a waste of time...........period.
Sep 30 - 1PM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

I'm 11 months -

B - I'm 11 months and I am just now getting to a state of calm. I'm feeling like I don't have to be on guard and have my defenses up. It's like enough distance has occurred that I have a perspective on all that happened. which is the Truth. The truth sets you free, right? I have absolutely no desire to contact him. He's gone, dead to me now. It was actually a blessing he didn't contact me again after the first (ignored) try. He validated the asshole that he was by doing that. No normal person would have gone silent that long after the relationship we had. What I work on now is: 1. continuing to make sense of him and who he was (I'm pretty much done with this now), and 2. understanding why I got pulled in as much as I did despite the numerous red flags I saw along the way. This process is taking interesting turns, and I'm starting to value what I'm discovering. Best for continued recovery. And, it's okay to feel like an idiot. My spin on that is that I think mine was an accomplished, experienced master of his pathology. That's the only credit he will EVER get from me. I "fell" for one of the best ... of the worst. That helps my ego. Plus, I am sure that I was the biggest "game" he ever preyed upon, and ultimately he saw and acknowledged my strength (by disappearing). Take That, Narc Asshole Extraordinaire!
Oct 1 - 8AM (Reply to #21)
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

Pride and Shame, that is

Pride and Shame, that is exactly how exN used to refer to himself in his songs, "He`s the best of course..of all the worst!". Funny observation of how alike they are.
Sep 30 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Pride and Shame

That's exactly right!! The Houdini Act! I think it happens when you show strength!! Rock On
Sep 30 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

The Disappearing Act

Ha Ha I meant their disappearing act because we scared them away with our strength. You read our disappearing act, because we were strong enough to get the hell out. EITHER MEAN THAT WE ARE STRONG and WE WIN!!! I like to think we vaporized them - *poof*!!
Sep 30 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
highlander
highlander's picture

Actually, I feel very good

Actually, I feel very good about my disappearing act. Throughout our relationship, when she melted down, she would disappear, and I would be the weak suck and either reach out to her, or respond to her and wag my tail. I have broken that pattern, and she knows it. She once told me that she had lost respect for me for coming back to her after the shitty way she treated me. Well, she sure as hell can't say that anymore!! I completely ignored her BS emails, about unrelated crap, a couple of months ago, and she reacted passive/aggressively on FB, even through her son's page, since she had blocked me. I do feel very empowered by this!! I will be so glad when I feel indifferent, as I see here is the ultimate goal. I'm not there yet. I'm still hoping she crawls back on her hands and knees. Given what's happening in my life, it's likely. I just hope that i have the courage to score three points after punting her through the goal posts!!!!!
Sep 30 - 7PM (Reply to #18)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

You said " I'm still hoping

You said " I'm still hoping she crawls back on her hands and knees." You will get it when you understand this...talk or respond to her at all and you are playing her game, not yours. You can try to play at her game, but she will narc you because you can be narced. She can't be narced for obvious reasons. Trying to beat a narc is like trying to outdraw yourself in a mirror gunfight, can't be done. Wanting to kick her through the posts just means your ego is still bruised, been there and got the t-shirt. Hurt hurts, and you got narc-hurt, ouch! No contact and no response if she tries is the only way, all other ways lead to engagement and chaos. Would you engage in an argument with a patient in a mental hospital? You didn't know she was mental with a disorder before, but now you do. So vent all you want, learn what you can, post what you need to, and go narc free forever starting now! ds
Sep 30 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
highlander
highlander's picture

Yeah. I'm still holding onto

Yeah. I'm still holding onto the secret hope that this has all been a huge nightmare....
Sep 30 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Your Ego, Talking

"I'm still hoping she crawls back on her hands and knees". Ha ha. That's your ego talking. I can see where you are in recovery. I bet Hunter and the other Mods can assess where we are in a heartbeat. You are right between: 1. Fantasy thinking that she will come to her senses and beg your forgiveness and you will ride off together on the white horse. (Won't happen,that's a fantasy) 2. Fantasy thinking that she will VALIDATE your feelings - say, she knows she was wrong to be so cruel and heartless, that she really did love you for all those years and will always remember you fondly, has your best interests in mind, and wishes you well in your quest to find true love. (Won't happen, she's a NARC)
Sep 30 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
highlander
highlander's picture

I know 100% that this is ALL

Hah! Hunter sees through me like a ghost!! I know 100% that this is ALL about ego. How can I be so easily replaced? How can she possibly enjoy sleeping with someone else??? All ego...
Sep 30 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I hope its Casper the

I hope its Casper the friendly Ghost!! Hunter
Sep 30 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
highlander
highlander's picture

You know it, Hunter!!

You know it, Hunter!!
Sep 30 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Here's WHY they discard us so casually ....

Because... wait for it ... first, let me preface... How can they do this to us? US? The magnificent, beautiful, handsome, super smart, creative, funny, intellectual, sexy, amazing people that we are??? No NORMAL people could possibly discard us so casually and easily replace us - the irreplaceable and unique selves that are we. It's because ... IT'S A PERSONALITY DISORDER! AND THEY HAVE IT! AND IT's NOT NORMAL! AND WE FELL FOR THEM IN SPITE OF IT - or, even because of it ... because I LOVED who I thought he was in the beginning. What he was was different from anyone I have ever known. A siren song. Love in a whole different ballpark. The man of my dreams. Seriously, you and I and all of us need to let this fact in to our consciousness. It is a damned personality disorder that we are dealing with - and it fucked up everything.
Sep 30 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
highlander
highlander's picture

Right on! So how about us

Right on! So how about us being with someone normal, who treasures us for who we are and have everything we had with those sickos? What a concept! When the little door that is open to her closes, it's going to be as tight as Fort Knox, as far as she is concerned!!
Sep 30 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Compromise

For me, I think it's about compromise. No one ever has or will ever "seem" that perfect again. "Seem" being the operative word. A lot of the time "normal" people can be boring, not mysterious, not complex, not, not, not. It's the fantasy, the golden bubble, of him that enthralled me. This is where DS or one of the mods comes in and says how great love is where there is imperfection. How honesty, respect, compassion, empathy really do trump all. I'm clearly not to that stage yet!!
Oct 1 - 1AM (Reply to #14)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Who Am I Kidding??

I re-read my Compromise from earlier today and cannot believe I really wrote that. What was I thinking? Well, I was only thinking about the first 4-6 months of the whole relationship, and had conveniently forgotten the crappy middle (18 months) and the horrific ending. See - this is where I can get hung up in my own fantasy thinking. What I selectively forgot were the sarcastic jabs, the constant criticisms, the belittling and snide remarks, always judging others negatively, impatient to the extreme, little interest in my life - oh, and the hints of other women before we were officially over. That was sure special. No genuine intimacy, nothing safe or secure, no "team" approach to anything. No authentic kindness, really, if we must be blunt. There really was nothing good at all.
Oct 1 - 9AM (Reply to #15)
highlander
highlander's picture

You know, Pride, we had both,

You know, Pride, we had both, the intimacy and team thing, and the many ups and downs. It's pretty clear that they are very good at making us feel secure and loved, so they can drop us on our asses. I think that if another guy hadn't been involved, we would have gotten back together again, however, in the 10 months, she probably would have had a couple of major meltdowns. Most likely, it's happened already with the new guy. It happened to me fairly quickly. I loved her so much that I didn't heed the red flags. This idea of NPD, and me learning about it does one thing. It certainly explains her actions. It sort of wraps it up in a neat little bow, and alleviates the wondering of why she did this or why she did that. Inside, I always felt that she had her emotional bags packed by the door. I suppose that my "fantasy thinking" keeps me wondering if the criticisms she had of me were partially true. It always takes two to dance, and I have to accept my responsibilities. During my 18 year marriage to a woman with clinical depression, (we are very good friends now) I learned to just "keep my head down" and become an excellent egg shell walker, as to avoid my wife becoming suicidal. Twenty some years of learned behavior did NOT serve me well with my narc. She recognized what I was doing, and I couldn't do anything about it. There is NO question, that how she dumped me, with an email after 5 years, cold and out of the blue, is proof that she is NPD, so whatever else there was, that was happening, and her bags were ready. "the sarcastic jabs, the constant criticisms, the belittling and snide remarks, always judging others negatively, impatient to the extreme, little interest in my life" was there, just like you say, and I kept my head down. She told me, in our last phone call, that she had lost respect for me because I tolerated so much bad behavior from her. Talk about a rock and a hard place!!!
Sep 30 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
spinning
spinning's picture

Well, I'm not sure about

the stage I'm at but there's more excitement in my life than I ever thought possible. The drama with the disordered one was so predictible and draining. I find that being treated well is preferable to being manipulated by an empty shell. That's not a compromise for me. In fact, that's the one area of my life now that I no longer compromise at all. And it's bringing great things. Bramst, once you close the door completely, it makes room for another door to open. I found that the more I swept out the debris from the disordered one, the more room there was for outstanding things (and people) to enter and give me the things I need to feel good, whole, exciting, joyful and valued. I find that when you value yourself and the outstanding adventure that life really is, all the chaos, confusion and pain no longer are very interesting or "exciting" anymore. It's boring as hell. I wouldn't go near it for a million bucks (and I'm broke.) Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND LOVING IT!

spinning

Sep 30 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Bramst

Once Count Dracula gets in your head it's takes about 18 months of NC to get out of Transylvania!! Knowledge is power!! Hunter
Sep 30 - 12PM
Used
Used's picture

bramst

maybe you should change your number, that way their is no chance of you having to talk to her? dreams are funny old things arent they? for us that have them...cos narcs dont dream apparently..
Sep 30 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
highlander
highlander's picture

I would change my number, but

I would change my number, but i have had it for many years, and way too many people have it, and in my business, I need to be in contact. Funny enough, I don't dream, but maybe only a couple of times a year. I'm glad I don't. They would all be rejection/heartbreak dreams, and I just don't need that...
Sep 30 - 11AM
going 2 be ok
going 2 be ok's picture

it can only get better

B - my heart goes out to you. I have experienced the same thing but I truly believe we have been through the worst and things can only get better... Hang in there. I'm sure the day will soon come that you wake up and feel a little lighter, see a little more sunshine in your day and the light at the end of the tunnel.