Yesterday morning fireworks went off in my head and it hit home that ...

Now looking back I know the "normal" or blissful, wonderful...as healthy as it can be with a N, part lasted 5 or 6 years. I had him cheating on me behind my back for about a year and then once I found out I was in the on/off...daisy...I love you, I belong with you, i am going to fix this for 2 or 3 years!! UGH!! The shit these bastards put us through! I was glad to read your post. It always good to remind myself that the "realization of it all made you/me feel sad". Me too! And they are sick disordered people! Good to have the reminder when I miss him so much at this time of year! :)

Ahh. After a period of relatively peaceful dreams my dreams of xN have suddenly "ratcheted up" too. I was wondering if it might have something to do with the moon almost full. Though I cannot recall the one from lastnight I know it was intense as I awakened from it pretty rattled. You have made some great realizations here. I am not sure about the five year mark though. My xN was in an LTR for nearly two decades. Very dsyfunctional mind you, and of course all the blame for the demise of the relationship was placed squarely on her partner. I suspect xN is guilty of the transgressions she accused the x partner of. Just an observation. Maybe you are right though, I suppose the normal part of the relationship could have only lasted 5 years and the other 14 year were total misery (at least for the poor x)

So many insights here to my endless questions: 1. "We are all just a source of supply/comfort for HIM." YES. YES. YES. This is why we can't let ourselves feel ashamed or damaged. We were used. We connected. They never did. They never will. 2. "..he is very aware that he will emotionally suck her dry and then pass by, he knows that he will evenutally move on right from the outset, so there is no reason for him to invest anything of himself in it." YES. YES. YES. He knew from the beginning. He told me he wasn't worthy. He told me the fun was in how relationships played out. When he saw me starting to figure it out and saw an awakening understanding that something was not right with him, he even said "I think this has been a long time coming." 3. "There is ALWAYS an alternative form of supply(ies) in the background so that once the current main supply is either D&D or dumps him, the NP has someone to immediately turn to." YES. YES. YES. Towards the end, he would hint at others. I thought it was to make me jealous. I actually thought he was making them up. I couldn't even imagine having other men to think about while I was dealing with all of this. Nope, there were other women. Lots of them. I think of them and hope they find this forum, too. It's not their fault. God know what he told them about his status. There are surely as ignorant as I was. More wreckage in process. 4. "Absolutely nothing was real about him or our relationship. It just stopped me in my tracks (like being kicked in the stomach) with the realisation of it all and it made me feel profoundly sad. For ME, not him." YES. YES. YES. Nothing was real. Because he was empty, I filled him up with my dreams and hopes. He was a void, neutral. I've never met anyone who I liked so much from the beginning, nothing he said offended me or made me feel I had to compromise. He let me run with my little fantasy of him, who I wanted him to be. Then he started being mean and disrespectful. Crossed boundaries that I should have enforced at the time. Won my trust and then betrayed me. If he had just shown me at the beginning who he really was, I would NEVER have been with him almost 3 years. But that wouldn't have been any fun for him.

loved your post on the one hand, on the other hand feel sad...to give your love and life to someone and relise they dont give a damn as long as the have something, someone, and it doesnt matter who it is as long as they do the job...the job beign to keep them away from their demoms...b/c they are not MAN enough to face them...i told exn he wasent man enough for me....he was the biggest and yellowish coward going...and he knew it....good to see uklady how you are becoming so aware and moving forward...xx

Dee, this is all so very true. We meant absolutely nothing to them and the sooner we realize it, the better. I am sorry that the positive and calm have left and the sadness and anxiety has returned. It is only temporary, this too shall pass. Stay strong, continue in your efforts to educate yourself on PD. You are doing a great job!

Dee, I love your posts. You are such an intelligent woman with so much love! I think once you understand that there is no future with him and you realize that your past wit him was never real.... It makes you understand that what is in the present is just a theater. I love this post Dee. Straight to the core.

I feels the same period of sadness as well. It comes and goes. I take it as part of healing like the wound would act up once and while when you accidentally touch it (triggered). I agree with what you wrote "Absolutely nothing was real about him or our relationship". This is the saddest thing I find it so hard to accept. This beats any D&D he did on me. I feels like after all I am the only person in the whole "relationship", all others are fantasy illusions. Hang in to NC, the pain comes and goes. We stay strong! Hugs