A year ago this week

It was exactly a year ago this week we broke up. I've been busy with work so haven't been able to post much. Will be going away next week so can't fall behind. Thought I would be ok with the week but thoughts have crept in. I had to actually go back and re-read my journal to remind me how it all happened. Our break up came around the time I took temp work because I needed the money. He had promised to drop me at the train the days I had to go in but pulled his disappearing act. I remember my first day I was so excited and nervous because it was over 10 years since I had worked in an office. I wanted to share my day and also wanted a little support to calm my nerves but it was a strange guy that answered the phone. He was sarcastic with me and cold. He said he'd be online later that night but never signed on. I did't hear from him the rest of the week and he wasn't around to drive me to the train. We had been having problems weeks prior to my taking the job. In fact in my journal it's noted that was the other reason for taking the job because I found myself sitting around crying most of the time. Seems he was once again treating me like crap and it was when I figured out his little online buddy's screen name. Even though I was the one that pulled the plug on the relationship it still hurt and I was a mess for months after. I still remember avoiding his calls and regretting it. It was so painful closing all the doors to him so I could once again have peace in my head. Anytime I let him back in there was nothing but pain and confusion. One minute he would be his sweet loving self; the next some cold and distant stranger who didn't seem to want to be with me. I will never understand how he could pretend to love me on the one hand but yet seem so annoyed by my presence overall. It just became a torturous existence. I never knew when it was ok to call, email or IM it always seemed like I was bothering him. That morning I stood waiting for him to give me a ride to the train I knew would be it. I had a feeling he wasn't going to show after that odd call and no show online. It was only the second day at my temp job and I knew I had to go. I walked down to the train fighting back the tears. I promised myself I'd never contact him again. Once I almost went back to him about a half year later but he dumped me just as I was starting to warm to him. So as hard as it was I broke all contact with him, it was hard but it was the best thing I did for myself. No more craziness, no more feeling bad about myself, no more trying to fix things, nor more overextending myself for someone who didn't care about me. Even though at times I think about things I no longer have any kind of feeling towards him other than anger or bewilderment. I will never understand why it all happened but no longer question it. Life is too short.

Sorry just have needed to vent, thanks for listening.