wtf

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#1 Dec 10 - 2AM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

wtf

Seriously. Everytime I think about my three years with him
I can't believe I stayed with someone who physically beat me. Verbally and emotionally battered me to unrecongnition . Compulsively lied. Got caught repeatedly. Blamed me for everything. Everything that went wrong. Everytime I questioned the lie a feeling the situation. My intuition. Grabbed my throat. Threw me. Hurt my animals in front of me.

How can this only happen with me
Was it really me
Questioning
"Accusing "
Speaking my mind

Did I make him aggressive? ??

Why do I feel he wont do this anymore
Why do I believe he is better with ow

Wtf is wrong with me
Please help me

Dec 10 - 4PM
peaches
peaches's picture

Congrats on being out!!

I am sorry you went through those terrifying experiences with that f**** bastard. You didn't deserve that abuse, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. I hope you can stay away from that creepy bastard and know you deserve a loving, caring experience with someone who adores you. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. What are you doing to stay safe now? What are you doing to take care of yourself? What kinds of things do you enjoy doing for fun? Best Wishes to you in your recovery!
Dec 10 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

peaches

i am two months nc he is in a different state already had a ow in three weeks i am taking each day slowly caring for myself and letting out when i feel the need to cry i journal alot and actually have been writing a back and some songs thank you for the support ((((((peaches)))))))
Dec 10 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

There are issues of why we

There are issues of why we stay in abusive situations that need to be addressed, but in NO WAY do we cause them to abuse - they do that because they are sick. He WILL continue abusing, have no doubt about that. An abuser who is capable of change is not the same as a narc, they seek help and do the work to address their anger issues because they CARE about hurting others and WANT to stop. They do NOT get into another relationship because they WANT to change their patterns. A narc instead ignores their own sickness and projects all the blame for their behavior out to others. You did not cause his sickness or his abuse. Whatever your issues are that kept you in the relationship for as long as they did do need addressing for sure, but not because you are guilty of anything, but because your own self esteem just wasn't strong enough to take action sooner to place your own well being above his. Put the guilt aside, forgive yourself and learn from this. You are a caring and thoughtful person worthy of showing yourself the same care you show others... believe it!! (hugs)

Journey on...

Dec 10 - 11AM
jackguy
jackguy's picture

Maybe watch this sam vaknin video blueworld if you want to

The OW WILL GET THE ABUSE too if she stays with him. You ABSOLUTELY DID NOT CAUSE the abuse. Maybe you are like me, struggling sometimes with denial of what our ex narcs really are, and how their disorder was there before we arrived and will be there long after we're gone. http://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin#p/u/11/3JLTlCl1XcU
Dec 10 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

jackguy

thank you i am finding it easier to turn inwards towards myself to be the contributer to this situation then it is to see that he is the dysfuction im trying really hard now at this stage to know and believe all the fights all the arguments name calling lying cheating emotionally < probably physically never caught him> it wasnt brought on by him and i together its hard though because i did start lying to him to have someone to even talk to i did start deleteing texts because i was reaching out to friends talking about my relationship i did start investigating his lies to make sure they were lies i did question alot of what was said and done i did not lay down very easily and i did raise my voice sometimes and yell i did walk away and say mean nasty things back after being attacked verbally i did sink to lows i never sunk to
Dec 10 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Layla
Layla's picture

Reactions to abuse

You reacted to his abuse. They bring out reactions in us we didn't even know we had. We are forced to react to insanity. How does one do this rationally? We walk away. We go No Contact. This is our ONLY solution to the unsolvable. And we owe no apologies to anyone. love~ Layla
Dec 10 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
jackguy
jackguy's picture

what you mean is you fought for your sanity

and to understand what was happening. I called my ex-narc names during our break-up rows - I promise you she never gave a shit, if anything she was thrilled that I was rowing with her and "sinking" to her level. They enjoy that sort of thing. You DID NOTHING WRONG. You need to get real about that or you're just setting yourself up to accept abuse again.
Dec 10 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

i know it isnt me

i know deep down it isnt me because i am questioning it and not only that i am so happy laughing joking feeling "free" i am feeling ..feelings again and i havent felt anything in a long time i guess really what it is is putting it together to make sense since the whole thing doesnt i tell myself everyday that i changed because of what HE did HIM and that it is only a matter of time before he pops i lived with him I know him i know what i saw i know what i heard got to keep my thoughts in and his voice out
Dec 10 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
jackguy
jackguy's picture

I know it isn't easy

just make yourself, your sanity, happiness and safety the priority.
Dec 10 - 11AM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

no one knew

No one knew what was happening. It became so. ..lonely This last Easter he decided we were moving from Denver to Vegas because he got fired from his third casino job. We got into a fight about I don't know what. I never did. Anyways I walked away from him. He came after me climbing over the dog gate we had set up. Grabbed me threw me across the bedroom on to the before. Proceeded to climb on top of me one handing my throat. Screaming swearing yelling at me about everything I have my arms up afraid and my face turned not looking in his eyes he trust forcing my hands down. Almost breaking my arm..Because I was flighting it. He hurt my arm very badly tore something in my elbow I'm screaming crying. He is just sitting There No emotion Scared if I go to er he gets arrested I'm freaking out this has happened often Then what do I do?????/ Comfort HIM consule HIM We go to Easter dinner I'm in a wall mart arm sling he tells everyone I hurt myself moving furniture I WENT ALONG WITH IT SMILING AWAY AT THE CLUMSY ME No one knew. Strangers may have sensed it but the family and friends don't know..he is so young! Make things worse I covered for HIM PROTECTED HIM took the blame as miss physcho Miss drama He has gotten away with almost murdering me Abusing our cats and puppy we had Now all that remains are lies and he is in the spot light living it up. Loved admired I think I'm done
Dec 10 - 9AM
Layla
Layla's picture

He is an abuser.

blueworld, he is an abuser. That is WHO HE IS. That is why he abused you. You did nothing to make him what he already was. I too put up with some terrible, terrible things, as did all of our other forum friends. Each of us simply needs to get to the "why" we put up with and tolerated it. For each of us, the reasons will be different, and some will be simlilar. blueworld, it's devastatingly hard sometimes to remember some of the past abuses and think to ourselves, "why didn't I just leave then??? WHY???" Therapy has helped tremendously for me. That and my faith. My faith actually hurt my situation for awhile because of seemingly rigid catholic teachings and I am married to my abuser but you know what?? When I spoke with my priest on what was going on, and what was happening, he helped me through that from our faith's perspective and I am fully confidant our Lord did not want me in that abusive situation at all. I am at peace fully now with the separation. What your abuser did to you, he had already done to others. What your abuser did to you, he WILL do to his next victim, and his next, and his next. He is an abuser. And abusers abuse. love~ Layla
Dec 10 - 6AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

He is a physical and

He is a physical and emotional abuser.. Do you have a therapist ?? The OW is in as much danger as you were., Hunter
Dec 10 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

hunter

yes i have a group i go to but i want a one on one i have no insurance to cover it and i cant get it through were i go its only a abused womans shelter so it focuses on just getting beaten i wasnt beaten i was grabbed thrown choked threatened and alot of these women have active legal cases going and to be honest it isnt all that helpful i have gotten most of my support and love here with all of you i am actively searching for one on one though
Dec 10 - 4AM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

He does not love her more or

He does not love her more or better than he did you. She is just his next target. Do you think that if he showed her the man you've seen that she wouldn't RUN? The NARC/leach in my life is now saying about me what told me about his X. He told me such LIES about her. And now he is lying about me. *The lie he told me about her; that she hit and attacked him often. That she threatened him with a knife and he threw her to the floor and broke her tail bone. *The truth after talking with her; He beat her on several occasions. She ended up with a broken tail bone and broken wrist especially when she confronted him about his affairs. *The lies that he is now telling about me; that I hit him and am violent. That he is abused by me. The fact is that we were watching Tyler Perry's Why did I Get Married,in the scene the guys were talking to one of their friends who was having affairs and they were telling him wear a condom. We had just had the same conversation. I poked him and motioned to the TV. He says I hit him. I didn't...he didn't complain at the time either but now he brings it up that I hit him then. *The truth about that; I have never hit him ever. When he first moved in he started to punch walls and slam doors which I recognized as an effort to groom me for the next stage of abuse...pushing...then hitting. I pre-empted it by telling him that he was living my house for free and had better respect it,also that if he thinks he can EVER hit me that he "has to sleep sometime" I told him the story of my friend Maxine who after a severe beating took a cast iron frying pan and put her boyfriends brains on his pillow...took her son and came home to Canada. She assumes he lived because she was never contacted or charged with murder. However since August I've been pretty confrontational about his lying and affairs and on 3 separate occasions have been faced with his fist in my face and his threats of a beating....burning down the house...and destroying the cars. I've told him,"Do it...but I'll get up again...and a phone call later you will disappear." He hates the truth now and I'm sure he hated it then when his X confronted him too. *The lie he told me about his X; that she had endless affairs. That he had a friend put a key stroke tracker on their computer and discovered 1000's of sexual messages and e-mails between her and other men. *The truth after speaking with her; He had dozens of affairs and SHE had a computer friend call up the computers history and discovered 1000's of messages and e mails between him and other women *The lies that he is now telling about me; more like to me...that I am seeing my sons boxing coach and must break up with him immediately. I can't break up with him! I don't even know him! I mean I've MET him but I really don't know him. He holds it over me that I won't break up with him...????? I have never even had a conversation with a man behind his back. *The truth about that; He has been sleeping with his remarried x wife(not the one I talked to) I caught him last December with a woman from church. I accessed 100's and 100's of his messages and e-mails and found that he was having affairs with at least 3 married women and sexual correspondence with up to 17 women in all. The lie he told me about his X; That she stole $16,000 off him. That he supported her through out the relationship. And yet she called him a "lazy cow" *The truth after speaking with her; She was bankrupt when they split. He had a car accident and didn't work for 5 years, She would come home from work and he would be sitting on the coach making HER kids fetch the remote or whatever for him. She would call him a "lazy cow." *The lies he tells about me; That he supports me and my kids. That's why he can't leave me even tho I'm "abusive" That he bought me cars. I steal from him(but won't tell me what I stole) And I don't appreciate anything he does for me. *The truth about that is; He FREELOADED off me a single mother 2 kids (one with disabilities) He never paid a dime while my bills tripled when he moved in...3 baths a day...eating like a king! He made promises to pay me as soon as he got on his feet. He has stolen my jewelry. He ran up my cell phone bill and refused to pay it. My credit is shot and I'm in debt. My kids dad supports me financially and if the truth be known the LEACH was living off me so he was living off my kids dad. He has only been paying his half since last December when I caught him with that woman from church (financial leverage to keep his foot in the door)He's NEVER done anything around here and is a lazy cow. The supposed cars he's bought me are clunkers that don't run that he has rescued from the scrap heap (free)and are piling up in the yard. I drive the car I bought. Pay very close attention to what he has accused other women of to you. You know then that he is accusing you of those things to the new woman. And when it all goes south for them...and it will...he will accuse HER of the same things. These guys are really pathetic. They go from woman to woman honing their skills...tweaking their stories...the stories don't change...they just get better at telling them. And can go longer without breaking their cover. It's not better for her. It's worse because he will be a better liar. A better abuser. Each relationship is just a dress rehearsal for the next.
Dec 10 - 3AM
faith_
faith_'s picture

Yes, Blue, you did not Make

Yes, Blue, you did not Make him aggressive. He is abusive. This is him and who he is in himself. He just showed it to you and played it out with you, because that's who he is and he became intimately involved with you. Like you said about the soda can and how it bursts at a certain point, he's got this in him and lives with himself, so of course it's there with the other woman. I too fall into that thinking that he's 'better with ow', and 'won't do this anymore' but I gotta work on that. And like Sea said, it's not even about the OW. I sometimes get this, and other times think "what if?" Nothing is wrong with you, Blue. You just got out of something so abusive that it's a process of trying to understand what just happened, and to find solid ground. They're anything BUT solid ground. All these questions of how could I have stayed, etc...your mind is trying to process it. Just keep working through it and expressing it. You're very brave and strong to be honest with yourself in working through all these feelings.
Dec 10 - 3AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Dear BW, We all know that

Dear BW, We all know that Npd are the same to every woman. The N is trying to project what you always have wanted with this ow. I am very sure this is far from the truth. He might not have hit her YET but it is coming for SURE. I was initially jealous of ow and it drives me crazy! After 35 ow, the N cant make me jealous anymore. The infatuation, abuse and d&d is a fixed pattern. 100%. I know u are hurting. I am too so i know exactly how u are feeling. I can assure u, ow is irrelevant. If its not woman A then its woman B. They never had it any better than u. Be strong. Take good care of yourself. Best revenge is to live better let the original lovely u comes alive again. The lovely u that the N was attracted to at the beginning. He will never that that away from u. Hugs!
Dec 10 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

sea

((((((HUGSSSS))))))