Wow that hurts...

So I know I made myself open to get hurt, but I think this is what I finally needed to get closure and move on.

The exN and I have been hanging out as friends the past couple of weeks. Last night we got to talking about relationships and I decide to ask him what was it about me that was so bad that he couldn't be with me anymore (he dumped me by saying he didn't feel the same anymore but didn't know why). I know I shouldn't have asked it but I realised the reason I can't get myself to move on is because I don't understand what went wrong. And I know Ns will never fully explain but his response was incredible. He said I annoyed him like no one before, nothing specific, just things I said and did... He then says to me I wasn't the same anymore as when we were friends (we were friends for a year before getting together), that I became needy, weak and soft. I've never been described as needy by boyfriends, in fact the exact opposite. I asked him what he meant by weak, and he said he hates people who don't have opinions or lives of their own. Again, I am known to be opinionated to the point of annoyance and most definitely had a life of my own, I've never given a guy as much space as I gave him. He then said I'm 'soft' again by wanting to talk about these things, i.e. feelings or as he calls it 'girly things.' So basically I got 'punished' because I opened up and acted like a normal girlfriend, which of course would be different than to when we were friends! He even said he likes cold, bitchy women and I 'was not that anymore.' Was all this projection maybe???

Then he says I don't understand my own feelings and can't read other people's feelings. I am just as shallow as him and not special. At some point he even said I bring out the worst in him. So I asked him why he wanted to stay friends, it was his idea. He said because he knows I'm lonely and was just being polite. Really, am I suppose to feel sorry for him now, what a 'great guy'?? I told him no worries, this 'friendship' is over, he just laughed and said I will 'hunt him down again' with my texts and calls. So then I lost it and when I told him to get over himself he says he's a narcissist, he'll 'never get over himself'!!! By then I had so much rage in me, I said to him his also a psychopath, to which he responds 'there are many psycopaths out there.' Wouldn't any normal person be offended or ask why or laugh it off??? Something else that was strange was a talk we had about a mutual friend who got into a horrible car crash. He said he doesn't care because the guy was drunk. I accused him of having no empathy (I'm sorry, by then I've said all the wrong things you can say to an N!), he then says of course he has empathy, he just doesn't care for this friend because he was drunk when he crashed. He said he would have empathy if, say, my dog became sick. Wouldn't a more 'appropriate' example be if I or his mother for example became sick??? Does he really think he is empathetic, could I be wrong although he doesn't come accross as empathetic?

I know this is badly written, but I needed to get the conversation of last night off my chest. He made me doubt myself all over again, making me think that I'm weak. But at the same time I am now 100% completely committed to NC as I finally realised I don't need him in my life, I always leave him feeling bad about myself. So yes, it really really hurts but in a way I have never been this grateful for his cruelty.